Drishtant

What is life
Life is because it is, there is nothing more to it.

How should we live
As you please, live life on your terms, totally completely. At least that is what i think as of now. I mean what the hell, there is no meaning to life anyway, and there are times when one is bound to feel bad or good about certain things. All this happens in our brains. There is no truth, but the truth we concoct in our brains. We listen to what we want to listen to, we interpret everything as per our own convenience. We blame others for all the ills that are within us. We fake everything, all the time, just to survive in a world that we hate with all our guts. Why not live for oneself then. At least this way you will be happy. But it is not as easy as it seems, for this to work, you will have to work yourself out of all your conditioning. In other words, you will have to forget a whole lot that you have learnt till now.

What is conditioning.
all of us were brought up with certain values, that constitute our Moral system. it doesn't matter what the values were, what matters is that they stick. they stick like super glue to you for the whole of your life. Girls being taught to be coy, boys conditioned to be aggressive, what is right, what is wrong, what is good, what is bad, what is beauty, what is ugliness, what is love, what is family, what is marriage, what is life, how to lead one's life, how to understand expectations, how to understand responsibilities. All of us, have been trained like "good animals" all our life to follow these edicts. Who gave these edicts?? well these edicts evolved, they evolved over centuries of living in a commune, but that doesn't mean one set of edicts is better than other. they are just different. There is nothing right or wrong, what might be casual in one culture might be totally unacceptable in other.

Once you understand this, you have a choice, you can consciously choose what you want out of life, and what you don't.
And it won't matter what others think, or what others want you to do. you will be your own master.




--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Time once again wants me to be dead

cease to exist and vanish from here

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Some Songs

Some songs have their way of getting into one's Psyche.
am posting some such songs.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Stoned i sit, with everything turned to stone

guess i have a heart somewhere

and it beats too

but it is hidden under the icy chillness of me

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Why have i stopped writing?? Do I have nothing to say anymore? Or have I started to believe that expression of thought is after all not a noble exercise. I decided to watch the movies, watched Arth and Silsila after Kaabuliwala and DDLJ , I am trying to watch all the wrong combinations I guess. Silsila left me completely unmoved, though Rekha was striking. To me it seemed like a real life psychological experiment done on Amitabh, Jaya and Rekha. It is rumoured that Amitabh was involved with Rekha at the time, Jaya came back to do this movie after a request from Yash Chopra, she was no longer active as an actress. Now think about this, Yash Chopra plans to get the Indian family together and brings Jaya and Rekha face to face on the movie sets. What happened was expected. Amitabh and Rekha never worked again :-)Arth was a better movie. Well then it is by Mahesh Bhatt isn't it.What i lied about the movie, well lets say the characters are honest and believable. Shabana Azmi in her portrayal of the wronged woman is simply superb, Smita Patil and a disturbed Praveen Babi is simply unbelievable. Kulbhushan Kharbanda is also good, but the ladies steal away the show for sure. As for directorial technique, Arth is an honest film. Actors are honest, sets are honest, story is honest.
I watched DDLJ with a very different perspective this time. I watched it from Simran's perspective. I never could understand her character, but this time around I think i got the hang of her. 

Jugulate me
when my lips touch
the ambrosia of love

With time i will understand it too
Time is the wisest counselor

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Kabuli waala

Kabuli waala is too honest for this world. he is an Afghan national, who comes to India to make some money, leaving behind his 5-6 years old daughter with her grandaunt. He misses his daughter like crazy, so much so that he decides to go back. Then he meets mini. A small gift of laughter and happines that god had chosen to bestow to a couple in the city. What follows is a very strong chemistry between Balraj Sanhi and mini. Beautifully executed on screen by Hemen Gupta, the director.
A good lesson to the world, "if you are too honest, you will just know sorrow in your life"
As for myself, I cannot imagine Kabuliwaala in today's world. Till recently i would have believed that there could be someone like him. But now i think it is too rare a phenomenon to be experienced in real life.
Real life kabuli waala would be a child lifter, or a paedophile, or a dishonest man with one good streak of a positive relationship with a kid. But he would not be larger than life.
Bimal Roy's Kabuliwaala is larger than life.
But nevertheless a beautiful movie.




--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

chariots

Thoughts have a mind of their own
they bring to me a rainbow of emotions
each hue darker than the other
each hue engulfing me in its eternity
and i keep floating through them
if only it was all real
if only thoughts were chariots
i could ride
but try I will, Try I will to have them
on my beck and call.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Task to be done

I am going to try and watch one movie a day and write up its review.
Dunno how long i would be able to carry on with this, but most of the times, I have to proclaim something to make myself do it.
Whatever i said, does it make any sense
who cares
whatever, whenever
Nevermind

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Space-dye Vest

Beautiful lyrics of a beautiful song, I was listeing to this when i got a call from someone i thought i once knew :-)
I think i am getting out of a spell.
I think i can fly again.................................................


--lyrics Begin ---------

Falling through pages of martens on angels
Feeling my heart pull west
I saw the future dressed as a stranger
Love in a space-dye vest

Love is an act of blood and Im bleeding
A pool in the shape of a heart
Beauty projection in the reflection
Always the worst way to start

But hes the sort who cant know
Anyone intimately, least of all a
Woman. he doesnt know what a woman
Is. he wants you for a possession,
Something to look at like a painting or an ivory box.
Something to own and to display. he doesnt want you to be real,
Or to think or to live. he doesnt love you, but I love you.
I want you to have your own thoughts and ideas and feelings, even when
I hold you in my arms. its our last chance... its our last chance...

Now that youre gone Im trying to take it
Learning to swallow the rage
Found a new girl I think we can make it
As long as she stays on the page

This is not how I want it to end
And Ill never be open again

...i was gonna move out...ummm...get,
Get a job, get my own place, ummm,
But... I go into the mall where i
Want to work and they tell me, im,
I was too young...

Some people, gave advice before,
About facing the facts, about
Facing reality. and this is, this
Without a doubt, is his biggest
Challenge ever. hes going to have to face it.
Youre gonna have to try, hes gonna to have to try and,
Uh, and, and, and get some help here. I mean no one can
Say they know how he feels.

That, so they say that, in ya know
Like, houston or something, youd
Say its a hundred and eighty degrees,
But its a dry heat
. in houston they say that?
Oh, maybe not. Im all mixed up.
Dry until they hit the swimming pool.

...i get up with the sun... listen.
You have your own room to sleep in,
I dont care what you do. I dont
Care when. that door gets locked,
That door gets locked at night by nine oclock.
If youre not in this house by nine oclock, then youd better find some
Place to sleep. because youre not going to be a bum in this house.
Supper is ready...

Theres no one to take my blame
If they wanted to
Theres nothing to keep me sane
And its all the same to you
Theres nowhere to set my aim
So Im everywhere
Never come near me again
Do you really think I need you

Ill never be open again, I could never be open again.
Ill never be open again, I could never be open again.

And Ill smile and Ill learn to pretend
And Ill never be open again
And Ill have no more dreams to defend
And Ill never be open again

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Leave him be

Bleak is the light
that shone once on horizon
it is dusk again
before it could be dawn
he took the flight
thinking love would heal
flew too close to sun
had not read the fable of Icarus perhaps
now strangely contended with life
in the darkness he searches
for the pieces that were him
could they be glued together
eventually they will become dust
so why give a damn now
why care for the one who is lost
leave him be
he won't be heard again

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Surging Ahead

Has it happened to you
you wanted something desperately
for the whole of your life
and when you got it
you were shit scared
because you didn't know how life would turn out
because all your life till that moment
was just about desperately wanting it
and it is very scary
to let go of what you have known
for the whole of your life
and surge ahead into unknown.

but there might be positive here too
one just has to look for it.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

getting high

Meandering through the thoughts
wisps of smoke from smouldering tobacco
formless just like the smoke
has this life been
as i walk through the moments
revisiting them again
enshrined, entombed in past
in some culvert of my mind
i see the chaos that has ruled
i see the agony that has drained me
I see the hurt i have inflicted
on to myself
again and again
without any fail
life seems like a house of horrors
It is like getting high on pot
but not knowing what to do with it


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Ankit took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offe..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Die each day,
don't let your ego live for the next day
don't carry hurt
don't carry happiness
when you go to sleep
let the slumberland engulf you
like the earth in 'dust to dust'
and wake up a new being
free from tiresome thoughts
thoughts of self doubt
of inadequacy
of freedom
of passion

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Rockstar - Modern Poetry at best

Every once in a while we come across a song that goes back to the true meaning of rock, when poetry weds music. when the artist sees the naked truth.
This is one of my current favourites

Rockstar by Nickelback

I'm through with standin' in line
at clubs I'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth
and I'm never gonna win
this life hasn't turned out
quite the way I want it to be
(Tell me what you want)

I want a brand new house
on an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub big enough
for ten plus me
--(So what you need)--

I need a a credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club
At thirty-seven thousand feet
--(Been there done that)--

I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
My own star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and
James Dean is fine for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

[CHORUS]
'Cause we all just wanna be a big rockstars and
Live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
in the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blonde hair
And well...

Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
--(I'll have the quesadilla, ha-ha)--

I'm gonna dress my ass
with the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to
blow my money for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life
For fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair
And change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
we'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
in the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blonde hair
And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary of
today's who's who
They'll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody's got a
drug dealer on speed dial, well
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

I'm gonna sing those songs
that offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills
from a Pez dispenser
Get washed-up singers writing all my songs
Lip --sync-- 'em every night so I don't get 'em wrong

Well we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in Hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
in the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair
And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary of
today's who's who
They'll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody's got a
drug dealer on speed dial, well

Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Seneca says

Begin at once to live, and count each day as a separate llife
~Seneca

A profound statement, I think i understand it :-)

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

burning star

I am the burning star
the beacon you have been looking for
I will show you the way, every day
and i will never complain
just burn all day, every day
give away my light
so that you can see
what it means to be
a burning star


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

no good without evil

look at me now
stare me in my eyes
feel the pain, do you
feel the loss of being right
wings torn and clipped
lend me some glue
let me soar up to the moon
lets party where no one has been
live for the moment
get wasted beyond senses
come down on the altar
they want their sacrifice
when the blood will flow
and trickle down to dirt
demons will rise then
gods will be appeased
they have someone to slay
to conquer to plunder
good vs evil
and good will win
but all will forget
there is no good without evil

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

The voilets and the reds
the yellows and the pinks
bloom all of you bloom
paint the town with all the hues
let the scented breeze blow
and engulf me ever so softly
in the careless whispers of time
let me revel, let me rejoice
let me be born again
let me die


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

What does deliverance mean
is there peace somewhere
hidden from naked eye
beyond the distant horizon
waiting for me as my destiny
do I have to relinquish everything
do I have to walk alone
on the path shown by seers
does it even matter
why do we want to live in make believe
why are we so desperate
why do I think
why doesn't the chatter stop


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

thoughts

Some thoughts can be liberating,
some can make you weep
thoughts bind you in chains of slavery
where you toil hard to make sense of nothing
they weigh a tonn sometimes
and sometimes float like feathers
they are the enemy within

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Random thoughts

Had a strange thought, in a way I don't even own the moments of my own life. They are shared with a lot of people. the Good, the bad and the ugly. How can I talk about those moments, without being prejudiced. The truth is that my thoughts are my own, I don't owe them to anyone. but my experiences are not just my own. If I were to write aboutmyself I will have to write about people in my life. I am not sure that it is the right time for the same. It might be right time for me, but not for them.
I have to find will once again, or maybe for the first time. I have to find a cause. I have to define a reward system for myself devoid of any pretenses.
Till now I have seen all but pretenses. I have met people trying to help others working for NGO's trying to give back something to the community. but just below the surface I have always found lurking, some in-authenticity about them. As if they were chasing a different dream, but eneded up here and are fine with it.
I am unable to do that to myself, I know that I have limitations, I know that I am obsessed with self, I know that I demand perfection from myself. But just now, I am tired, very tired and don't seem to have the will to go on, the will to wage war. And by the way, war against whom??
My enemy is as nameless and as faceless as myself.
Will love bloom??
Who am I to say after all I am not the man in charge of "Garden of Eden"

We all have vices
Vices thrive in harmony, if you have one, be assured that you have the others too, they are just hidden beneath your skin, but they are there. And it is ok for them to be there. Without them you will no longer be a Human.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Recent Trip

 

I want to write something, but the words have the way of disappearing, when you need them the most. Thoughts become a hazy collage, and I get lost in the myriad of possibilities, all that could have been, all that are wishes and desires.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Silence

Can I kill he asked
the sun had just gone down
evening promised cool breeze
and a light shower to go along
love was in the air
and he had a gun in his hand
Can I kill he asked again
wait, replied the voice
keep walking some more
feel the breeze, feel the love
cannot feel them, he replied
children had come out
playing small meaningless games
so absorbed in what they did
without a care for tomorrow
taking life for granted
he crossed them on a trot
didn't have it in him to stop
Kill Kill Kill said the voice
he walked on
It was silence once again
he came to a park
lovers holding hands
elderly gathered in groups
some using the jogging track
Kill Kill Kill said the voice
he couldn't
his hands were rocks
his legs lead
his eyes fireballs about to explode
hi breath stale and sick
Kill Kill Kill
I cannot I cannot
you have to
this is where it ends
yes this is where it ends
clouds in his mind cleared
hands lifted themselves
bang
there were some shrieks as he fell
there was silence once again

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Blabber

teary eyes with a tear drop rolling down
and the voice that said, I am fine
the smile that said it all
the touch that sealed my fate
a love for the lovelorn
a symphony of wails
a requiem for a notion
and he fades away into a golden sunset

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Question

What am I doing with my life? This question crops up every now and then and has been on my radar for such a long time now that I have a strange kind of familiarity associated with it. But really, am I looking for a solution or just whiling away my time. Close to 11 at night, and waiting to get into an offshore call with onsite bosses, I ponder over it once again.
Something has to be done, something quick, something decisive.
Cannot keep my eyes closed anymore. Have to wake up.
Listen man..... this is a wake up call.
How many more of these are you going to need, you lazy bum

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Jala hai jism jahan, dil bhi jal gaya hoga
Kuredte ho jo ab raakh, justju kya hai
~ghalib

Epitaph

No better no worse
not a sage nor a devil
not a lesser man
nor a man enough
not a loser
nor a success
not a prodigy
nor senile
a bit depressed
a bit unwell
a bit dreamy
a bit weepy
like a breeze that flows
a flicker of light
lost in the thick of dark
a bundle of thoughts
and ideas
lost in translation

mostly harmless.
 

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

I have to apologize to myself...........
for being the foul mouth I never wanted to be
for becoming what I hate the most


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Jung Revisited

I again took the Jung's test and this time around I am more of a feeling type (whatevre that crap means) am actually an ambivert (50% introvert/50% extrovert)
so I am INFP or ENFP
INFP
creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

ENFP
outgoing, social, disorganized, easily talked into doing silly things, spontaneous, wild and crazy, acts without thinking, good at getting people to have fun, pleasure seeking, irresponsible, physically affectionate, risk taker, thrill seeker, likely to have or want a tattoo, adventurous, unprepared, attention seeking, hyperactive, irrational, loves crowds, rule breaker, prone to losing things, seductive, easily distracted, open, revealing, comfortable in unfamiliar situations, attracted to strange things, non punctual, likes to stand out, likes to try new things, fun seeker, unconventional, energetic, impulsive, empathetic, dangerous, loving, attachment prone, prone to fantasy

Career options
performer, actor, entertainer, songwriter, musician, filmmaker, comedian, radio broadcaster/dj, some job related to theater/drama, poet, music journalist, work in fashion industry, singer, movie producer, playwright, bartender, comic book author, work in television, dancer, artist, record store owner, model, freelance artist, teacher (art, drama, music), writer, painter, massage therapist, costume designer, choreographer, make up artist

&

poet, painter, freelance artist, musician, writer, art therapist, teacher (art, music, drama), songwriter, art historian, library assistant, composer, work in the perfoming arts, art curator, playwrite, bookseller, cartoonist, video editor, photographer, philosopher, record store owner, digital artist, cinematographer, costume designer, film producer, philosophy professor, librarian, music therapist, enviromentalist, movie director, activist, bookstore owner, filmmaker

Disfavoured Career
business professional, manager, executive, administrator, business owner, supervisor, office manager, business analyst, financial analyst, public relations manager, ceo, executive assistant, judge, event coordinator, lawyer, office worker

&

data analyst, scientist, researcher, financial advisor, business analyst, govt employee, office manager, mathematician, investment banker, office worker, computer tech, it professional, network engineer, strategist


Dunno what to make out of it, other than the fact that I might be in the wrong profession afterall :-)

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Simple pleasures of life

• Listening to a good Rock number and being tempted to head bang along with it.
• Getting high on pot and philosophising about life
• Sitting in silence with someone you want to be with
• Being in midst of Nature, on top of a hill, with your arms opened and you let the cloud pass through, small droplets on your eye lashes, wet hair and a rejunevated soul
• Driving my car to 160 Km/h, all my mind on the road
• Riding my bike to 120 Km/h on the way to office
  
• driving non-stop for hours, no thoughts in mind, nothing except the road ahead
• Getting a call from someone having blues and letting then know that this is not the end
• Calling up someone when I have blues and talking about things totally un-related.
• Reading good humour
• Reading a book that engrosses me so much that I become a part of the characters
• Watching movies and getting lost in the celluloid dreams
• Imagining ideal relationships, ideal humans, ideal society.
• Living in future
• Living in remote past
• Being comfortable with my dark self, relishing it, to the point of modest Narcissism

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Thinking about it

Some one who is doomed,
his days left for counting,
how would you know his pain?
How would you know
million little deaths he dies
every moment worse than before
how he conquers his mind
body and soul
and set course on a life
waiting for death
how would you know
the battles that rage
in the middle of his heart
tearing him apart
making him think
what he did
what he wanted to do
there is no second chance coming
there is no life anymore

you will feel the pain
but once
before it all ceases to matter

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Quoting Ghalib

Have been listening to a lot of Ghalib these days and man as always I have no doubts that the man rocks :-)

he would have been "the" rock-star, if only he was born a century and a half later....

Phir kuch ik dil ko bekarari hai

seena jo ya hai zakhmkaari hai

fir us hi bewafa pe marte hain

fir wahi zindagi hamari hai

Bekhudi be-sabab nahin Ghalib

Kuch to hai jiski parda-daari hai
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Adrenaline

love me hate me
hold me thrill me
kiss me kill me
make be bow down
strike that chord again
all you want is darkness
all you want is hope
all places you have been pierced
and painted and loved so much
and still you live on
don't give them the death they want
don't die when you are still young
I will be your boatman on styx
I won't even charge you the fare
but wait for your time to come

break me if you have to
kill me if you have to
I will be your shadow still
don't call the bluff on them
they don't care for it
all they want is something barbarous
don't play to them
don't play for them
you are a star
go be one in your own galaxy
no one knows what you are worth
nobody cares too
live it up star
and fly as high as you can
never say never again
never say die

yes I know some of it is a U2 song, but I couldn't care less.
Come to think of it palagarism is one of the best tributes one can give.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Eerie Silence

There is a eerie silence before the storm, then the gods of wrath descend and tear apart the fabric of life, continuity, saneness, that binds us together.
and then there is eerie silence once more

It feels that the storm has not abated still
the winds can start blowing any time now
trees will be uprooted and houses torn apart
Inhabitants will become vagabonds again
heavens will open up and cry floods
lightning will strike the place we hide

Eerie silence has descended on me
the void inside me is very quiet now
waiting for the next onslaught of emotions
waiting for the fury to be unleashed
can i drown in this slush of my own making
can i sleep for sometime before I burn



--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Sometimes life seems absolutely unbearable, other times it just sucks.... :-)
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Wake up

Wake up oh sleeping giant
wake up and steer your destiny
I know slumber is comforting
don't be beholden by land of nod though
eons have passed
all memories are distant smudges
on the windshield of time
all those who were with you
all those whom you loved
all those who were your world
all of them have moved on
everyone belongs
some in palaces
some in places far away
what do you crave for still
what do you wait for still
no one is waiting
stop searching for things in past
they are buried and lost
will never happen to you again
make the present pleasent
and future will be happy
don't turn into the bitter man
you are turning into
don't be sad
people will accompany you
they will adore you too
show them the way you are going
and start moving towards that horizon
Horizon of the promises
horizon beyond which
dreams come true
everything you touch turns to gold
everything you believe becomes real
yes the people won't be same
but dreams will be
someone else will walk alongside you
but you will walk too

wake up and get going
wake up for you are late
wake up for you are alone.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Jhoote vachan sab saari baatein

"I will be the father figure for your child" <when I have time ofcourse>
"I don't believe in marriage" <but I am married ofcourse>
"I will always be there for you" <though with someone else, or maybe on a different continent>
"you can call me anytime, you want to talk" <though in slices of 15 minutes>
"I will marry you" < I will induct you in the harem>
"There will always be a room for you where I live" < though you might not feel like dropping in, for where I live>
"I will never sleep with anyone except for you" <though I might go to 1st 2nd base> <once you are done, who needs to sleep with the person anyway>
"you are the most important person in my life" < Except for my wife and some ex flames of course>
"My choices are clear" <But I have to go ask for permissions from people in my past>
"I am confused" < You are no longer the single most important thing in my life>
"I am sorry that I happened to you" <I am sorry that you happened to me>
"Life is beautiful still" <I miss you, but don't care enough to let you know>
"Please forgive if I move on" <I am desperate for your attention>
"I will have to root out a few people from my life" <But I will always be available and accesible to them>
"I cannot hurt her anymore" <She will see the better of it, and I don't trust you>

"I love you"  <With a whole lot of "if then else" clauses>


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Despondent

Have you ever felt lost
lost beyond hope
beyond comprehension
beyond care
when you don't want to be found
when hope becomes blasphemy
and something tells you
"this is how it will be, always"

Have you ever been in company
yet lonely
lonely as the oasis in desert
brimming with life
yet so out of place in desert
lonely like an island
lonely like a sheer cliff
you talk, you laugh
but all is an aberration
your mind wanders
setting its own course
through the myriad of memories
not contemplating though
just reliving the agony
again and again

have you ever been with nature
yet incomplete
when nothing seems to fill the void
nothing carries the allure anymore
with mind in state of exasperation
unknown anger brewing inside you
and the wish to smoulder
everything in line of sight
and the erudition
that there is no deliverance
no escaping the wrath
an acquiescence of doom

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

 

 

Saudade

A Portuguese word for a feeling of longing for something that one is fond of, which is gone, but might return in a distant future. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Lost in translation

What is lost, what did we gain
what was possible then
what makes it impossible now
answers lost in translation
questions re-phrased
to mean different things
feelings are still the same
thoughts wander off though
I saw a vision
and chased it
couldn't describe it maybe
but there were no contradictions
there still are none

Anything is "can do",
and will always be for me..........
maybe i missed "won't do"
or maybe I did not
you never saw it maybe

I won't grieve anymore
have grieved enough for a life time
have not made compromises
for i don't barter
I know how to give
but am a fool when it comes to ask

will give up everything
before it can be snatched away
all have stolen enough
and continue they will
don't want the hurt that follows
so give up I will.........

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Innocence

A long time lived in agony
thinking, pondering, decimating self
being overly critical
holding self responsible
for ruining lives
not wanting to be drawn
in to the brawl
all over again
and it takes just one simple word
to melt all that away
and feel tender once again

each time I let the bitterness win
the whole world conspires
to keep the innocence alive

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Laakad

Was listening to this song from Omkara, penned down by Gulzaar, and it leaves no doubts why he is the best........
wish I could write like this

Laakad jal ke koyla hoye jaaye
koyla ho jaaye khaak
jiya jale to kuch na hoye re
na dhuaan na raakh
jiya na jalaiyo re
jiya na jalaiyo re
jiya na lagaiyo re

Baraf pighal ke paani hoye jaaye re
badal ban ud jaaye
peed jiya main aisi baithi re baithi
aisi baithi re baithi
na pighle na jaayere
nadi kinaare behte sahare
naav na lagaiyo re
na lagaiyo re
jiya na lagaiyo re
jiya na jalaiyo re

jhoote vachan saari baatein
jhoote vachan sab saari baatein
rut bharkha ka paani
garaj baras sab beh jaave re
jee ne jitni maani
sawan se ye na bhujne ki
jaan na jalaiyo re
jiya na jalaiyo re
jiya na jalaiyo re

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Resurrection

some moments overwhelm so much,
that it is difficult to breath,
one such moment,
when i held my breath
for, i don't know how long,
It seemed I had passed away
had left the mortal me behind
there was nothing I wanted
nothing that I longed for
I was complete, a whole

when i am tired
and lie next to you
let my head rest
on your shoulders
and let me go
to the land of nod
where everything is magical
where everything is warm
let me rise again from slumber
and see me smile
a content smile
let me be complete, a whole

when I have lost everything
when I have lost my soul
take me into your arms then
and let me sob
let me wash away all the hurt
let me wail and let me mourn
and when I am spent
see the calm on my face
a content calm
let me have that calm
let me be complete, a whole

when i turn to ashes
take the urn
to the top of a cliff
and let me fall
let me mingle with the air
let me mix with water
let me be lost in elements
let the nature resurrect me
I would be content once again
I would be complete, a whole

Death

All things that have a beginning have an end too, then why is it that we cannot accept the end? We question it like crazy, we want to stop it from ending, we want to run back into time and salvage whatever is left of it. But we forget that it has to end. That is what life is all about.
Everything has to end one day or other.
Still we weep
still we mourn

Death is supposed to be mourned
and mourn I will................

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

gloom

dark clouds of gloom

descend on me once again

am not able to see far or near

the darkness engulfes me

and takes me on a wild ride

ride where I meet all my emotions

all my insecurities

ride where I live through my life once again

some moments that hurt

some moments that are still raw

and I am totally lost

in the eddy of time

where present seems like past

past seems like future

and there is no trace of hope

 

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Life or something like that

Some times we just stand as life passes us by. We fail to comprehend what is happening, we fail to react to the prompts thrown up by fate to shape up the script of your lives. We just stand rooted to ground, wondering why things are not going the way we would expect them to.
Some of us just can't stop being mute witness to the play of fate, (that is what they call it) for a complete lifetime.
Not able to decide what needs to be done
Not able to make out wrong from right
Not able to define the morality
Not able to define their life

Sometime I got a mail with the punch line "After all life is all about the choices we make". It couldn't have been better said. We, I repeat we have the onus of making the choice.
It is "I" who decides what happens in my life, no one else can decide that.
If I let someone else decide what happens in my life, then
I am weak,
I need crutches all the time,
I don't believe in myself.......

There is no other way of saying it.
As long as one will try to find happiness in others, happiness will allude one.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Mat ro

kis kis baat par royega
kis kis ko royega
yoon hi apne aap se bhaagta rahega
yoon hi apne se baatein karega
kaun tha jo tere saath aaya tha
kaun hai jo tere saath jayega
kyon yaad karta hai beete hue pal
kyon hain teri aankehin ateet se nam
mat ro un sab par jo chale gaye
mat ro un sab par jo jaane waale hain

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

we all want to be in one

Illusions and how we chase them
like mirage gives one the hope
often an false one though
but one who is lost
will chase them still
for that is all he has
that is what remains sane
in the insanity that surrounds him
It is alright to chase illusions
and become one with them maybe
for all is insignificant
for all will be lost anyway

like the phantom
leading one to jump off the cliff
like the oblivion
promised by the dope
like the life
given to you in womb
like the love
showered on you by beloved
like the integrity
that makes one sacrifice
like the guilt
that kills from within
everything is but illusion
and yet we like to be in one
no, we all want to be in one

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

A million little pieces

Why do I do the things I do,
and why do I feel bad after doing them,
It is as if I have a constant desire to desecrate
all that i thought sacred once
want to be a man with no land
no religion, no identity
a man without sacred earth
a man not in search of sacred earth
each unsaid rule i break
each expectation I breach
each score that I even
leaves me feeling shattered
into a million little pieces
and yet I manage to rise up again
only to fall again

I wish I could be
a million little pieces
spread all over
someones sacred earth


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Superstition

Bad dreams, omens, read correctly, interpreted wrongly...
Is this what my life has become now, waiting for things to go wrong, one after another?
Why am I becoming overtly superstitious, is it because a whole lot has already gone bad ??
but then all these are consequences of my own actions and I think I take responsibility for my actions, or do I ??
doubts cloud my judgement, like the mist in the dream, emotions cloud my reason, like the massive waves in the dream.
I think I should not think about this at all.
I think I should just be.......

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Regret

re·gretter n.

    Synonyms: regret, sorrow, grief, anguish, woe, heartache, heartbreak
    These nouns denote mental distress. Regret has the broadest range, from mere disappointment to a painful sense of dissatisfaction or self-reproach, as over something lost or done: She looked back with regret on the pain she had caused her family. Sorrow connotes sadness caused by misfortune, affliction, or loss; it can also imply contrition: sorrow for his... children, who needed his protection, and whom he could not protect (James Baldwin). Grief is deep, acute personal sorrow, as that arising from irreplaceable loss: Grief fills the room up of my absent child,/Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me (Shakespeare). Anguish implies agonizing, excruciating mental pain: I pray that our heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement (Abraham Lincoln). Woe is intense, often prolonged wretchedness or misery: the deep, unutterable woe/Which none save exiles feel ( W.E. Aytoun). Heartache most often applies to sustained private sorrow: The child's difficulties are a source of heartache to the parents. Heartbreak is overwhelming grief: Better a little chiding than a great deal of heartbreak (Shakespeare).
   
   
Do I really regret anything?? why do I grieve ?? of what consequence is sorrow? what does anguish leave me with? why the heartbreak, why the heartache??

Wish i could take these words out of Dictionary and the feelings associated with them out of my psyche.
That is the only regret I have.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Cursing the Gods

something in me has given way
have not wept still
cannot seem to weep too
something very elemental has gone missing
have missed folks before
it would feel as if a part of me was missing
but this is different
my soul is missing this time around
I am missing this time around
as if I am resurrected after the wrath of gods
but I am the only one resurrected
can't say for sure
if it is heaven or hell
don't have a bearing to measure it by
sinking in a bottomless pit doesn't describe it
feeling lost doesn't describe it
I am like a ghost, a shadow
pale and withdrawn
cursing the gods for resurrecting me
cursing the gods for making me what I am
cursing the gods...........


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Comfortably Numb

Each day brings a new turmoil
unfazed i stand
it pricks me like a needle
and i keep standing tall
don't even acknowledge the sting
am becoming numb
another threshold another day
am waiting for the moment
when i finally become
comfortably numb

my guts curdle
i breath in shallow gulps
I am not present to my surroundings
am unable to emote
unable to contemplate
am lost beyond articulation
mind turns blank
only thing i know is that I exist
where, i don't want to question
don't have it in me to question
and i wait to become
comfortably numb


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

In search of peace

why do you question
something that is understood
why do you question someone
who will not understand
why do you wail
when no one hears you scream
why do you love
when love doesn't exist
what has become of you
what have you become
why do you look up to others
when they cannot be looked up to
yes it is lonely
and yes you are lonesome
but that is how it has to be
if you desire peace
peace is an elusive whore
it will make you sell everything
you body your soul
till you turn cold and bitter
lie battered and broken
and then it will smile on you
and ask you in stingy silence
why, what for.......
don't you know nothing lasts............


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Ramblings

Untouched by words
aloof from emotions
dipped in water, but not wet
blown by air, but not dry
cold in heat, hot in cold
detached from surroundings
form less like smoke
roaming from one place to another
like a nomad, a vagabond
no abode to call his own
no land his promised land
like a hermit
he sails through time
in search of enlightenment
in search of peace
peace that will never be his
or perhaps it will be
destiny chooses not to reveal
what it engulfs in its embrace
till the time is just right
or the fate just abandoned

Nothing has come to pass
nothing ever will
for he cannot be touched
for he cannot be spoilt
for he is just a rider
hitching one ride after another
like locust he feeds off them
only to hop on and on
till he reaches where he belongs
how many sacrifices would be needed
for the journey is long
no one can say for sure
how long would it take
for a gypsy to settle down

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Some thoughts

Each end is a new beginning and each beginning is the start of a new end.

Each one of us has a responsibility to know what we are, all of us have to figure out among other things, our thoughts on faith, politic, likes dislikes, and it is our duty to understand why.

Instead of looking for a source of happiness, we should aspire to be the source ourselves

happiness can be found at just one place, within us.

Sum total of our life is Zero, all that stands will turn to dust, so each one of us has the moral responsibility of being happy and content.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Allure of solitude lies in it being perennial

What are we searching for??? Or should the question be, What am I searching for ?? I find that life in all its uncertainty is essentially meaningless, then why do I have to abide by rules, why do I have to confirm ?? Why do I have to live the fallacy ??
And If I refuse to live in this fallacy a whole world around me, formed of beliefs of people who think they matter to me, who think I matter to them, comes hurtling down to a devastating halt. But I know that this is also not permanent, eventually all of them will pick up the pieces and start afresh, or probably forget me as a bad chapter from their lives and move on. But here in lies the dilemma, I am not averse to the fact that they will move on, but I am averse to the bitter taste it will leave with them, and not all bitter tastes are cherished like chocolate. Not all of them are looked upon fondly, not all of them find a mention.
So essentially I know that I am living in an oblivion and I will fade away into oblivion one fine day, but I don't want to vanish, just now :-)
Catch-22 isn't it.
Or is it that I for one am unable to let go of people around me ?? Or I am ready for that, but don't believe that others will see it this way ?? What the hell............ Life goes on
It never stops for anyone, or anything, nothing stops, nothing is forever, except for change. I am compelled to rake out an old saying of mine...........

"Allure of solitude lies in it being perennial"

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Summer evenings - and why I hate them

Evenings have started to depress me, this is one time of the day which is not going anywhere, I mean night is when I go off to the land of nod, Mornings are when I look forward to the day, though often with a cynic resignation, but I do look forward to the day, afternoons are when I am waiting for the evening and evenings are when nothing seems right.
The sun is setting, all the birds are going to their nests, all the folks are see are getting ready to settle down. The worst memories of evenings are from Delhi, where as a child I would be returning home from some relatives place, in a bus packed to max, looking out of the window, seeing the gloom descend on the city. The birds screeching and vendors hawking there wares, all in an animated frenzy wanting to catch the last worm maybe.
The best evenings that I can remember were on Kaup beach off Udupi, where I sat and watched the sun set. I was relaxed and knew that is what I was there to do.
But back to gloomy evenings specially the summer ones, when it is still hot outside, bingo, I think I got my answer, I hate summer evenings for it is still hot and I believe Earth has no business being hot, once the sun goes down.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

True Lies

Are any lies true, well all lies are true in the sense that they are truly lies :-) Sounds confusing ?? Well it sure is. How many times have you lied, cummon we all lie and when we lie it becomes the truth, it becomes the truth because we want it to be the truth with all our hope.
Lies are the easiest way of getting around in this wild world. Without lies truth will not have its significance.
I personally don't think that there is anything right or wrong, it just depends on the perspective, but then for the folks who want to differentiate and make world a more habitable place for themselves, lies can be termed as the "dark side of the force". so get seduced by the dark side of the force, for truth might prevail in the end, but lies do take you a lot of places before the end :-)

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Some personality test on the net

INTP - "Architect". Greatest precision in thought and language. Can readily discern contradictions and inconsistencies. The world exists primarily to be understood. 3.3% of total population.

Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Main type	Variant

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||| 50% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||| 46% Type 3 Image Awareness |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 4 Sensitivity |||||||||||||| 53% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||||| 63% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 56% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||||| 56% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||| 66% Your main type is 6 Your variant is sexual

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

A missing URL - a deleted Orkut profile - a lost friend - a lost love - a lost book

There are times when we start taking things for granted, somethings, for example a URL in Internet age, or a friend who would always be there, or a book that one could always read, and then all of a sudden they disappear, and we don't know what hit us. This is a reality of life that we just cannot ignore. What you think will last forever, might be snatched away from you in a moments notice and the the worst thing is that you will not notice it going away, it will take a lot of pain and discomfort to get used to the idea of not having it in your life again.

But life always goes on, life always continues.

Nothing stops, nothing waits

so each time you get hit by this syndrome, say "what the hell" and go on :-)

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

India

Srishti se pehle satya nahi tha
asatya bhi nahin
antariksha bhi nahin
akaash bhi nahin tha
chipa tha kya
kahan,
kisne dhaka tha
us pal to,
agam atal jal bhi kahan tha

Srishti ka kaun hai karta
Karta hai va agarata
doosre akaash main rehta
sada adhyaksh bana rehta
wahi sachmuch main jaanta
ya nahin bhi jaanta
hai kisko nahin pata
hai kisiko nahin pata
nahin hai pata


This is my attempt at writing shoddily lyrics of a vedic Hymn that was translated from Sanskrit and sung for the serial Bharat Ek Khoj. I know I will be wrong on a whole lot of words here, but then, frankly I was never good at Hindi. I know, I know, that is why I am trying to discover my roots. This is beautiful, you know why, this hymn is about the agnostic belief. Something that is very unique to India, something that has not been accepted anywhere else.
We are the oldest civilization still alive, we are the most ancient of all, there is something about us that has made us survive, when other civilizations vanished from the face of the planet.....
Lets recognize that, lets understand that it is "us" that is going to make a difference here, It is us who has to take lead and correct the course of action, it is for us to awaken and say, hey I belong to a place that is so rich in Heritage that I care a damn if it was ruled for over a hundred years. No I don't identify with that India, I identify with the country that accepted me as its citizen, a country that made me what I am today, a country for whom I would cry as a kid, listening to Lata emote "Aie mere watan ke logon".
I know you will find a reason to love India too..........
People fall in love with India, because there is so much love around :-)


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Eternal Truth

It consumes everything that ever was
It was there from the start will be there till the end
No one has escaped the wrath it brings
no body escapes the jaws of time
bitter, sweet, vengeful, whatever you have been
it will tear you apart, be sure of that
all your love, all your pride, all you achieve
all you con, all you produce
all the lies that is you
will cease to exist, but time will not
you cannot win this one
no one gets out of it alive............
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Anger

A strange kind of anger is brewing inside me, It is not directed at anything or anyone, It is just there. I can feel it running through my veins, I can feel it banging against my self-control, trying to burst out, It takes quite a bit of effort to keep it under check. I am unable to function normally though.
Nothing seems right, nothing looks ok, I am angry at myself and I am angry at all the people around me. I am angry at the expectations I have, I am angry at the expectations I have of myself too.
I am full of venom and don't know whom to spew it at. I have become neelkanth or so I would like to think, though I don't think I can keep it inside me for long............

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

words

Words and words are all I have.............

thus goes the lyrics of a song dear to me. Things that we like are symbolic of our nature, we like things we can identify with. So if someone likes jazz they can identify with the music, someone who loves rock can identify with noise, someone who loves alternate rock can identify with the paranoid hyperactive mental activity, which is not directed properly, but let loose on all..... no mercy to anyone, so much so that these guys think that we are doomed...... Well enough gory details, but the fact of the matter is that.... I really do, only have words.

The glory of this world may live on
may live on the tales of valour
may there be recitals of history
may the greatness be talked of
this is the land where i belong
this is the land I was born
This is the earth that accepted me
this is the sky that saw over me
this is the water that nourished me
this is my land.
may my land's name last
for the time till humanity lives


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Setting oneself free

Delving into a very dark aspect of Human behavior. I just want to say, I am in no way suicidal at this point and time of my life..

Suicide, the Dictionary defines it as " The act or an instance of intentionally killing oneself." Further Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary says "the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally <the legalistic concept of suicide while of sound mind, which psychiatrically speaking is not possible <Year Book of Neurology, Psychiatry, & Neurosurgery>"
So essentially the medical fraternity believes that it is impossible to commit suicide while of sound mind, that is a very interesting observation. have known at least one person who killed himself.I am not a proponent of suicide, nor do I think it is a sin to commit suicide. I think of it as an option, of course the last option that one might have.

To quote from Wikipedia
"Suicide is frequently highly stigmatized, and those experiencing suicidal ideation struggle to be heard and understood. Suicidal ideation frequently results from the experience of pain outweighing the individual's coping strategies and resources for dealing with that pain."

This is something very unique to humans, no member from the animal kingdom is known to kill itself, where the intent is just one's own death.

Interestingly Suicide is viewed very differently in different cultures, religions, social and legal systems. For example Japan has "harakari" which is nothing bu suicide for upkeep of honour. Suicide as means of honourable exit is nothing new to Indians, Sati, Jauhar are glaring examples of the same.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Third Eye

Essentially nothing is essential.
I have this raging fury building up inside me and I don't know how to vent it out, without causing a catastrophe. It is much like Shiva's third eye, waiting to be opened and destroy all that was held dear by someone or another at some point or other.
man this is massive.
The irritation and restlessness is going to destroy something, what I don't know................

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Dreams

Living through the feverish sleep and dreams that occupy the land on nod, the disturbing images that float around, some of the desires that one might have, some of the fears that engulf the mortal soul, living through the panic that follows, when you see the worst of your fears becoming true and for a moment there they are absolutely true, till you realize that you are asleep.
I have been having weird dreams, dreams that have no semblance to reality or normal way of life. I see people I have not seen for a long long time, I see people I will never ever see in my life, I see them suffering, I see them happy, I see myself in Misery i see myself surrounded by temptations I see myself hurtling down the path of deceit and I see myself a winner.
But more often than not these dreams leave me with a sense of un-belonging as if I don't know true from false anymore, as if the reality and the paranormal have merged in a strange cocktail of deception and I find myself trying to look for clues to solve this puzzle.
But more often than not I find myself utterly incompetent in doing so. The sights allure me, the temptations make me yield, Sometimes I am scared to yield, sometimes I am not, some times there is a whole lot of blood and gore, and I am the perpetrator.
there used to be a time, when I would go to sleep just because i would get to dream....... will this last.......
will I always look forward to dreams.........


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Bangalore Burning

I have not been keeping well, well there is nothing new to that, I have cribbed about it enough. So this is a long weekend and I am stuck at home. Yesterday was a very very dry day. It was Bangalore Bandh and hooligans had taken over the streets. It was a sad occasion for it was the day Destiny had chosen for Dr. Rajkumar to pass over, and it was a day the crowds had chosen to go berserk.

Were they really fans?? What was the violence about ??? Did they get violent because they were just too many and the arrangement made to pay last tributes to their Hero were non-existent (I think the authorities had not considered such a big turnout). Or was there an element of Mob psychology playing its part.

The visuals on the screen were of helpless Policemen being cornered and beaten up. The faces in the crowd were not really grief stricken, they were enjoying their 5 minutes on Glory in front of the camera. Why do mobs react in this way? I don't have any answers, but I am deeply bothered by it.

One of my first experience on mob mentality is from College days, One fine day in first year, we came to know that some guys from our batch had a tiff of sorts with a tailor in a shopping complex. The shopping house had a Hotel, was Hotel Pisal. So in the evening, instigated by some old goons from our college, the guys pelted stones and broke the glasses of some of the shops. The guys on the other side retaliated and some 4-5 guys were apprehended by the Police (not all of them were actually part of the mob that went berserk). We spent that night outside the TT Nagar Police station requesting for the release of our guys. Nothing happened. after about 2-3 days it was decided to stage a protest at Roshanpura Square, This was to put pressure on the Hotel Pisal and shopping complex proprietors to take back the cases they had lodged against the students.

It went on fine for sometime, there was heavy presence of police, and the scene was a bit tense. This was my first such demonstration. All of a sudden some guys started teasing girls who were part of traffic. After some time police resorted to mild Lathi charge and dispersed the students. I for one don't blame police at all for what happened.

Not all the guys present there were actually there for a cause, they were there because they were expected to be there. Noting more than that.

I would like to add the fact that I was grossly disappointed that I was not present when the stone pelting happened, because I was one of the first to go to the scene and take account of how we can beat up the concerned guys. But my approach was different, I wanted a SWAT like attack on the premises and not something unplanned. (the way it finally happened). And i would have objected to police lathicharge and even fought for a cause (which now looks stupid), if it was not for these few stupid guys who started a chain reaction of sorts. Imagine how stupid they have to be to start teasing girls in front of such a big police gathering.

 

Second experience that took my faith away from the mob way of dealing with things happened in second year. A good friend of mine committed suicide, now why he did that is something I will never understand. Anyway in his suicide note he took names of a few students and few profs. See the issue was that this guy was expelled from college for ragging, but he maintained that he was not alone ragging the freshers, he was supposed to be back on the rolls in 2 months time when he decided to take the drastic step after his appeal for mercy didn't find favour with the faculty. All he had to do was wait for some more time. But I guess when one is desperate, reasoning does gets foggy.

College authorities provided for a bus to take his body to his hometown and about 30-40 students accompanied his body.

I did not go, for by that time I was on loggerheads with my whole batch, I was supposed to be ostracized by my whole batch back then.

After the cremation when these guys were returning, they acted like an unruly and stupid college crowd would. They laughed and made merry as if they were returning from a fun trip.

All this while I was busy making sure that the college came to a halt, we went and got everything shutdown. the whole student community assembled at the SAC (student activity centre) and we wept and gave fiery speeches. Finally the guys who had accompanied Pardhi on his final journey came back and we decided to observe a running hunger strike till our demands are met (we had asked for suspension of the concerned profs and a few more things that I don't remember now)

I really felt for the guy, though if I really reason, I don't think he was justified in what he did, but anyway a friend is a friend, so I took special permission from the so called leaders of our batch to observe the token fast.

It was quite hot those days and i sat there for close to 8 hours without food and water. But I think it was a waste. The pandal where the fasting was happening was more of a meeting ground for girls and guys. I mean by evening they had started playing antakshri, to me this was unacceptable. I mean what the hell the guy is not even dead for a week and this is the integrity these folks choose to show, the solidarity that they talked about was just a fib, nothing else.

That was the last time I ever considered being part of a big group, that was the last time I believed in people's revolution.

 

coming back to the question of Hooliganism on Bangalore streets, It was a shame to watch my beloved city burn, I think it goes to show how depraved we have become as a society, perhaps it is the angst of a perverse society, that has had enough of authority, enough of bureaucracy and enough of all other bullshit, that comes out as Hooliganism, the hooliganism we witnessed on the roads of Bangalore

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Agni

Fire rages and destroys one and all
doesn't distinguish between good or bad
beautiful or ugly, black or white
cast or creed, king or serf
one of the elemental forces, that we humans have come in contact with since the earliest times.
Agni, Atar , lokapala are some of the names it goes with.

Kurt Cobain's Suicide note

To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Nirvana

Well how do I put it, there is just one band i can swear by, only one band I sort of worshipped. Nirvana.
and Kurt Cobain was my god for some time :-)
I am ripping off his small bio from the web and posting it here, Ironically he was 27 when he ended it all. If you don't understand the irnoy part, just leave it. Don't ponder too much..............

Kurt Donald Cobain was the leader of Nirvana, the multi-platinum grunge band that redefined the sound of the nineties.

Cobain was born on the 20th of February 1967 in Hoquaim, a small town 140 kilometers south-west of Seattle. His mother was a cocktail waitress and his father was an auto mechanic. Cobain soon moved to nearby Aberdeen, a depressed and dying logging town.

Cobain was a happy child, always smiling, not being able to wait till the next day. But then matters were made worse when Cobain's parent's divorced when he was seven and by his own account Cobain said he never felt loved or secure again. He became increasingly difficult, anti-social and withdrawn after his parent's divorce. Cobain also said that his parent's traumatic split fueled a lot of the anguish in Nirvana's music.

After his parent's divorce Cobain found himself shuttled back and forth between various relatives and at one stage, he says, homeless living under a bridge, but this is not true.

When Cobain was eleven he heard and was captivated by Britain's Sex Pistols and after their self-destruction Cobain and friend Krist Novoselic continued to listen to the wave of British bands including Joy Division the nihilistic post-punk band that some say Nirvana are directly descended from in form of mood, melody and lyrical quality.

Cobain's artistry and iconoclastic attitude didn't win many friends in high school and sometimes earned him beatings from "jocks" Cobain got even by spray painting "QUEER" on their pick-up trucks. By 1985 Aberdeen was dead and Cobain's next stop was Olympia. Cobain formed and reformed a series of bands before Nirvana came to be in 1986. Nirvana was an uneasy alliance between Cobain, bassist Krist Novoselic and eventually drummer and multi-instrumentalist Dave Grohl.

By 1988 Nirvana were playing shows and had demo tapes going around. In 1989 Nirvana recorded their rough-edged first album Bleach for local Seattle independent label Sub-Pop.

In Britain Nirvana received a lot of recognition and in 1991 their contract was bought out by Geffen, they signed to the mega label, the first non-mainstream band to do so. Two and a half years after Nirvana's first C.D. Bleach was released they released Nevermind, a series of different, crunching, screaming songs that along with it's first single Smells Like Teen Spirit would propel Nirvana to mainstream stardom.

Smells Like Teen Spirit became Nirvana's most highly acclaimed and instantly recognizable song. Not many people can decipher it's exact lyrics but Cobain used a seductive hook line to hook the listener. Nevermind went on to sell ten million copies and make a reported $550 million (US) leaving Nirvana overnight millionaires. Cobain was shocked at the reception of his highly personal and passionate music repeatedly telling reporters that none of the band ever, ever expected anything like this. It quickly became obvious that the obsessively sickly and sensitive 24yr old was not going to cope well with the rock 'n' roll lifestyle. "If there was a rock star 101 course, I'd really have like to take it," Cobain once observed. Cobain fell into heroin in the early 90's, he said he used it as a shield against the rigorous demands of touring and to stop the pain of stomach ulcers or an irritated bowel. Through the touring and pressure Cobain continued to write his very personal acutely focused lyrics.

Cobain was distressed to find out that what he wrote and how it was interpreted could quite often be miles apart. He was appalled when he found out that Polly a heavily ironic anti-rape song had been sung by 2 men as they raped a young girl. He later appealed to fans on the Incesticide liner notes "If any of you don't like gays or women or blacks, please leave us the fuck alone." It was to no avail, Cobain found that as an overnight millionaire musician control was something he had very little of. Cobain also worried that his band had sold-out, that it was attracting the wrong kind of fans (i.e the type that used to beat him up).

In February 1992 Cobain skipped off to Hawaii to marry the already pregnant Courtney Love. Later in the year Nirvana released Incesticide and in August Cobain had hospital treatment for heroin abuse. Shortly after Frances Bean Cobain was born. In early 1993 In Utero was released into the top spot on the music charts. In Utero was widely acclaimed by the music press and it contains some of Cobain's most passionate work. In Utero was a lot more open than Nirvana's previous albums. Songs like All Apologies and Heart Shaped Box detailed aspects of Cobain's sometimes shaky marriage, other songs like Scentless Apprentice detailed the agonies and struggles of Cobain's experiences.

Nirvana embarked on a support tour and recorded and filmed an "unplugged" (acoustic) performance for MTV in November of 1993. Nirvana's choice to honor bands and people that had influenced them and Cobain's passionate and intense vocals especially on "Where Did You Sleep Last Night?"silenced many of their who had labeled Cobain talentless. Rumors circulated that the MTV Unplugged compilation would be Nirvana's last album and the band were splitting up.

Cobain was a gun fanatic and always had several in his possession or in various forms of confiscation. In the northern winter of 1993-94 Nirvana embarked on an extensive European tour. Twenty concerts into the tour Cobain developed throat problems and their schedule was interrupted while he recovered. While recovering Cobain flew to Rome to join his wife who was also preparing to tour with her own band.

On March the 4th Cobain was rushed to hospital in a coma after what has been labeled an unsuccessful suicide bid in which he washed down about fifty prescription painkillers with champagne. It was officially called an accident and was not even made known to close friends and associates. Several days later he returned to Seattle. Cobain's wife, friends and managers convinced Cobain, who was still in deep distress to enter a detox program in L.A. According to a missing person's report filed by Courtney Love, pretending to be Wendy O'Connor Kurt's mother, Cobain fled after only a few days of the program.

Cobain was cited in the Seattle area with a shotgun. Days later on the 5th of April Kurt Cobain went into the small room above his garage in his Seattle home and ended it all.

Cobain's body was found when an electrician visiting the house to install a security system was walking around outside when no one answered the front door and peered through windows. He thought he saw a mannequin sprawled on the floor until he noticed a splotch of blood by Cobain's ear. When police arrived on the scene they found Cobain with a shotgun still pointed at his chin and on a nearby counter a suicide note written in red ink addressed to Love and the couples then 19 month old daughter Frances Bean.

The suicide note ended with the words "I love you, I love you." Two days after Kurt Cobain's body was found about 5,000 people gathered in Seattle for a candlelight vigil. The distraught crowd filled the air with profane chants, burnt their flannel shirts and fought with police. They also listened to a tape made by Cobain's wife in which she read parts from his suicide note. Kurt Donald Cobain was 27.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Nothing at all

Setting -> Ayn Rand's Fountainhead

After having screwed up Howard Roark, and having thought that he had defeated him, Ellseworth toohey chances upon Howard Roark, at the temple that had been desecrated. Temple that howard roark had designed, EllseWorth Toohey asks him, "Well, What do you think about me" Howard Roark gets amused, smiles and says "I don't think of you at all"

All of a sudden the phrase has started looking so familiar, I know now what it means.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Nothing

1.9 × 10^33 cubic light years
- Volume of Universe

7 × 10^22
- Number of stars in observable Universe

100 Billion
- Number of Galaxies these stars are organized into

Milky way
- One of the Galaxies, about 80,000 to 100,000 light years in diameter, about 3,000 light years in thickness, and about 250-300 thousand light years in circumference. Composed of 200 to 400 billion stars. As a guide to the relative physical scale of the Milky Way, if the galaxy were reduced to 130 km (80 mi) in diameter, the solar system would be a mere 2 mm (0.08 in) in width.

Solar System
- Consists of the Sun, nine planets and their 158 currently known moons; however, a large number of other objects, including asteroids, meteoroids, planetoids, comets, and interplanetary dust, orbit the Sun as well. Astronomers are debating over the presence of a tenth planet.The star which we call "sun" is 25,000 and 28,000 light years from the galactic center.It Completes one revolution of Milky way every 226 million years.

Earth
- Earth is the third planet in the Solar system. It is the largest of its planetary system's terrestrial planets. Scientific evidence indicates that the Earth was formed around 4.57 billion (4.57×109) years ago and that its single natural satellite, the Moon, was orbiting it shortly thereafter, around 4.533 billion years ago.

Earthlings
- Earth has approximately 6,500,000,000 human inhabitants (February 24, 2006 estimate).Projections indicate that the world's human population will reach seven billion in 2013 and 9.1 billion in 2050. It is estimated that only one eighth of the surface of the Earth is suitable for humans to live on three-quarters is covered by oceans, and half of the land area is desert, high mountains or other unsuitable terrain.

Dilemma
- 99 % of Earthlings think they are significant, that they are the center of the universe, that whether they live or not makes a difference. They fail to notice just how fragile life is, they fail to notice that the odds to have life on this planet are approximately 1 in 10^415. they fail to understand that just one small, utterly insignificant event at a galactic scale, like an astray asteroid, trying to find it's way, can completely knock the daylight off the planet.

Conclusions
- Nothing
- be happy for nothing
- be satisfied for nothing
- be at peace and absorb nothing with all its nothingness.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Afghanistan

Have been reading "Kite Runner" and am falling in love with Afghanistan. somehow I feel it is one of the most beautiful place in the world, and like all beautiful places is cursed.
And by beautiful places I mean the beauty that haunts one with the sheer magnitude of magnificance and solitude. Places where you feel one with the nature and yet feel very inadequate and insignificant. Beauty that humbles one and puts the perspective of self worth right.
Like Kashmir........

sad day

Medha Patkar was arrested, admitted in a hospital and an FIR lodged against her.
What was she doing ?
she was on satyagrah, satyagrah for something she believed in, something that she has been involved in for 20+ years.
Somehow, sometimes the voices of people need to be heard,
sometimes the giants have to pause and for a second look at the lives they are trampling.
Sometimes revolution has to be started
sometimes a blood bath is needed
sometimes wheels have to be set in motion
people have to rise and become giants

Nobody should be allowed to rule us. nobody should be allowed to monitor. we have to rise above this feeling, this need, of order. Nobody wants to be killed, raped, duped, defrauded. no body wants to be ruled. If each one of us understands it, and accepts it, we will resolve all the issues we have.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Mrityorma` amritam gamaya

Unable to reach out
with arms wide spread
words escaping mouth
uttered for the benefit of ears
his own ears
no one can listen
no one can see
no one is around
it is cold and desolate
not a blade of grass
barren landscape
air is too thin to breath
sun is too hot to bear
wind is cold and bitter
his is the only soul
for miles and miles
he cries, nothing happens
he wails in horror
he screams in agony
he howls a blood curdling howl
he sings to the envy of nightingale
he laughs like the jester
he weeps like the hero
of the great tragedy
nothing happens
no one reaches out
no one says a soothing word
no one is amused
no one is around
his is perfect solitude

he wishes he was dead
he wants reprieve
he wants life
but his is perfect life
and he is banished for eternity
for he cannot be killed
for he cannot die
Mrityorma` amritam gamaya
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Blogging

Every once in a while the blog community amazes me, first the idea of push button publishing, so one doesn't really have to wait to let the world know what he/she thinks about the world and the people inhabiting the same, and their idiosyncrasies. The idea itself is a huge leap towards being argumentative in a constructive sense (please forgive me for using the term argumentative here, but cannot help it ever since I started reading what Amartya Sen has to say about Indians), so now we have people voicing what they feel and opinions flow in thick and thin.
But every once in a while I come across something that makes my day, most of the times it is humor. I firmly believe that humor is one of the most mature of human emotions, for it allows one to laugh off what otherwise is mundane and heavy stuff.
This evening I came across one post that made me laugh. And what it had to say was actually true.