Destiny beckons you....

Destiny beckons you.............

Does it? Does it really exist
I mean the destiny.
And If it does then why does it beckon
Why doesn't it just happen????
Isn't it supposed to be that way????

No you fool you have to grab the opportunity

Why? What is there in it to grab
Except for maybe more complications and sufferings?
Why do we get fooled by this again and again?

You are hopeless pathetic looser

Oh is it so? I am more than happy
Indian culture speaks about letting go.
I have let go of basic ambitions in life
And believe me it is really blissful :-)

This too will pass

This too will pass
And you won't have a clue
Don't wait for time to do
What it can, to you.
Suffering in silence, is not one of my virtues
But to utter a silent scream, I have learnt
Fading away into oblivion
On the path to perdition
Falling into an abyss
With no echo of my requiem
Rise, thou shalt not
Fall thy shall
Fly thy shall
With thou wings clipped........
This too will pass.

Dry Leaf

As the dry leaf came down
from the binding roots
the breeze lifted
it and took it in its lair ..
and laid it
amidst the densest green ...
there to rest ...
when ....there
came a momentary storm
that shook the calm away
and there settled a
restlessness ...and
the leaf implored ..
y did u ever come

I came replied the breeze
to give another promise of life
the promise though false
made you live a moment longer
and drove you to ponder and think
think about the age old questions
questions you had shunned
maybe I came too late
and maybe I don't belong here
but belong even you not
in the dust, to be crumpled
under the feet of men and beast alike
so what if you are withered
so what if you are weak
I will raise you to the heights of heaven
and even if that heaven is short lived
you will know for sure that you deserved it

that is why I came......

One step a day

So easy to look back
So difficult to forget past
Each time I look back
I can't help but shiver at the thought
Of the fight that lies ahead
To be normal once more....
Am tired of fighting it again and again
Just want to lie down, break down and rest
Rest in peace maybe......
But then life doesn't't wait for me
Time doesn't't stand still
Everything turns a new leaf
And I head for final land of nod
One step a day..........

Dawn is not far

> Dawn is not far,
> I can feel the first rays of light
> Though not see them yet
> The wind is cold as it should be.....
> Dampness of dew is all around me
> I can almost hear the birds chirping
>
> Dawn is not far
>
> The river is flowing relentlessly
> I can see the star light in it
> Moon is somewhere beyond horizon
> I can hear some people walking
> A women returning from somewhere
> Few drunkards staggering here and there
>
> Dawn is not far
>
> The city is still sleeping
> Except for scavengers on prowl
> And some one out for nocturnal trysts
> As the dawn approaches
> Ushering in a new day
> Birds and fledglings will wake up to welcome the sun
> Sun that is source of life
>
> Dawn is not far
>
> But should I see the dawn
> Wait for another day and hope it to be new
> Maybe I would........
> Because dawn is not far.............

Innocence

I am no more innocent
but I still recall the child I was..

when I stared into the eyes of demon
and let him crumble me
me a passive entity
just trying to break free

I don't remember when I last smiled
but yes, wept I remember
every time it happened
if not my eyes
then the soul within

I was so fragile
and he trampled me
over and over
naive I was
thought it to be my fate

why was it me
I don't have the answer
but I still remember
the guilt, the fear
the restlessness
the darkness
the hopelessness

the shadows still haunt me
and will for time to come
I am and will always be fighting
the demon that lies within
to lay to rest the ghosts of past.................

I am no more innocent
but still recall the child I was.......................

I lost my innocence
but am I to blame
if I play the same game
with demons whom I know......................

Tum Yaad Aate ho

Jab saanjh dhale
apni hasti mitane
dheere dheere se suraj raat ke aagosh main kho jaaye
tub tum yaad aate ho

zindagi ke is mod par
jab thak haar kar, choor hokar
apne aap ko dhoondta hoon
tum yaad aate ho

jab kabhi apne ko akela paa kar
kisi rahgir ki tarah manzil khojta hoon
manzil tak pahunchne ki chah ko dhoondta hoon
tum yaad aate ho

jab gairo ke beech apno ko dhoondta hoon
apno ke beech begano ko
aur begane bane apno ko dekhta hoon
tum yaad aate ho

jab kabhi apne ko apahij paa kar
ummedon ka gala ghotta hoon
apne aap ko samjhata hoon
tum yaad aate ho

tum koi bhi to nahin the
na saawan, na jheth, na ashad
bas ik sapna shayad, us sapne main jab khud ko dekhta hoon
tum yaad aate ho

yeh silsila khatm ho jaye
yeh bhi to nahin
maut ke aanchal main leta jaoon
woh bhi to nahin
naam tumhara na loon
aisa bhi to nahin
tum yaad na aao
mumkin hi nahin
is chakrvyuh main abhimanyu ki tarah jab jhoojhta hoon
tum yaad aate ho

insaan hoon koi farishta to nahin
waqt ko bhula doon
yeh rutba bhi nahin
jab waqt reh reh kar dastak deta hai
tum yaad aate ho

yeh aankehin tumhein dhoondti to nahin
yeh dil tumhare liye rota to nahin
par yeh dhadkan kuch kami zaroor mahsus karti hai jab
tum yaad aate ho

Soul

Just before the darkest hour
I saw a dawn breaking
there was this angel standing
she looked withered and tired.
her wings ruffled and torn

I got up to help
but she yelled stop
don't hurt me anymore
I can't take it anymore

stunned that I was I asked
what is hurting you
and who are you
what brings you here
and what can I do....

I am your soul
and that is hurting me
you have ravished me, plundered me
raped me, murdered me
and I am here to plead stop
tell me if you don't need a soul anymore
and I will silently depart
you won't feel anything
and there will be no pain
you will be like others
living all in disdain

but if you want to keep me
stop killing me
stop killing me
stop killing me.

The Corpse

there lies the corpse
and the game is over
who won and who lost doesn't matter
because scavengers are closing in
and before they pounce on the dead
it has to be removed
so that we can at least have the remains
of what was great..................

but no one is helping me do that
victors are rejoicing
losers are shattered
observers are debating
and there lies the corpse
corpse of humanity

I am unable to make out
who the scavengers are
sometimes I see the faces of victors
with an ugly leer of lust and power
wanting to scavenge what all is left.
sometimes I see the faces of losers
with the look of hatred and revenge
wanting to unleash fury and wrath
on what is left.
the observers are blind....................
and the corpse still lies there

I try to drag it
to lift it , carry it away
but more I try
more heavy it becomes
and I feel this will be
till I become one
with the corpse......................................................................................

The Hell that is

some times I feel
it is easier to believe in Satan,
because we all have seen hell.....

but heaven we have not
accept momentarily when we sinned.............
If there is anything like sin.

see, but not smell..
smell, but not feel,
feel but not taste..
taste but not enjoy..................................

welcome to the hell

Illusions

illusions ..are so beautiful ..aren't they??
so tempting..
so alluring..
so full of promises of happiness ....

illusions built of illusions ...
that pull u so deep within ..that at one point the self becomes an
illusion .. thoughts become dreams ...

we become one among the rest ...Yes ...

Knowing the reality and accepting it is hard ...
Feeling the illusion and living it is ecstasy ..

It is each mans personal choice ...

it is your personal choice ......
yours and yours only ....

Me

Blossoms that I see
so colorful they seem
like a rainbow they give joy
but are just to be felt
not to be possessed
so am I....

I Wonder

some times I feel
that things have lost meaning
small joys don't matter any more
we all are running
to where ? we don't know.
and once in a while we pause
for someone who can't run anymore

then leave the past behind and start running again.

till when ? we don't know

Some times I just imagine
somebody standing outside this whole mêlée
trying to figure out
what running is all about
then he says
"I never thought, my creation could be so engrossing
yet so removed from reason, so futile"
and laughs out loud................................

Hero

Some times I feel disenchanted
from the ordeal that is life.

how good it would be
to let go completely
to have a free fall
or get out of the rat race
stand aside and laugh at the world
even if for a brief period of time.

to be left alone
with nobody to fend
no one looking for you
to go into a shell
even if for a brief period of time.

to put at stake
what others prize the most
life.........................
to play the risky game
without knowing the outcome..
to live like the heroes
even if for a brief period of time.

then when that moment is over
and you are still breathing
then like a phantom you rise
and go back to the world from where you came.
but what is important is..
you lived
even if for a brief period of time.

I think it is time to apologize

Humans always tend to find out new ways of explaining what is happening to them. The important fact is that all these exercises are targeted towards the basic need to communicate, to tell the truth, to try and vindicate oneself. The need to communicate is of epic proportions in Humans.....

I guess I need to apologize for a lot of things. But first things first, You mean an awful lot to me. I have never ever cried for anybody in my whole life, I did that for you. I told you this just to set the perspective right. I don't think I was ready for the wrath that I went through, the day you left. All of a sudden I was all alone with nobody to talk to, nobody who would even remotely understand what went wrong. The whole of city seemed like a big angry mob, hell bent to alienate me and make me feel your loss. Nothing had any meaning anymore. Nothing I did was complete, there was this thing, the zing for life, missing.
I tried really hard to make it go away, But it refused to go away. I for the first time fully realized what you meant to me.

I really didn't know how to react, looked for my loss to be reciprocated by you, but found someone who had moved on, someone who had adjusted :-) For the first time I couldn't adapt to the new life.

Went berserk, tried to hurt the object of my desire, never ever even thought of harming you though, just felt like hurting you. Nothing helped.

Then when nothing helps time does :-) Just cut myself off...............

Sorry for all the times I might have made you cry, or feel sad.
Sorry..........

moments of weakness

There are times when "moments of weakness" take you over, when you feel that the stand one has taken might not be the best thing to do. It is at these times that we repent whatever wrong we have done. But this is not a very common scenario, for moments of breakdown to happen one should be emotional, and above all willing to forgive or forget.
Today morning I had one such moment of weakness, I saw somebody who meant a lot to me at some point of time in my dream. It was like being zapped into a different dimension of time, where everything was still the way I wanted it to be, then suddenly the object of my obsession left me, and again I was pushed into those dark emotions. I wanted vengeance. But I am afraid that is no solution, I have realized it long time back. But these moments of weakness that drag one back in time are really dangerous.

what am i to do to make you go away

why Can't i live peacefully forgetting about you for ever... Why do i drag to bad blood whne it comes to you, you just left as was always expected, Not becasue of you but because of me maybe, but why is it that I cannot live with it still.
Did i really love you??
I don't know, but yes i do miss you,
the craving has ceased to be omnipresent
but still i miss you in a line or two
the line or two i leave as offline message
but really you and me have moved so far that there is nothing to talk.
I don't want to discuss my life with you and nor do i get happy listening to you and your hubby's exploits
Feel completely lost and uncomfortable in this nrw world of yours.
Want to live in past with the memories that still haunt me, atleast sometimes.

For most of the times I have become normal. But the times of weakness when the eternal doom of human life overwhelmes me, when i feel that there is no reason, no cause to human suffering and life. I feel that i should not amputate that part of me that still acknowledges you, maybe even longs for you.

what am i to do........ to make it all normal........

People feel lonely

here I am typing again.... It has been a long day and now I am more than tired. My thoughts are not coherent any more. All I can think of is stupid work that doesn't happen.
So what is it that drives me to do this slogging when nothing is present, I don't even have a proper manual or any idea where to start from. Things just don't work...... and on top of that I don't have a clue, why the hell are we doing it anyway.

Only Consolation is the PIZZA at the end of the day..

I realized it that some people feel lonely, they feel the need to communicate to people. It seems that these kinds cannot live without human contact.......
Good for them. as for me there are times when I dont feel like talking to anybody leave alone the sight of anybody.

Long time since i last wrote

It has been a long times since I last wrote, but nothing much has changed since. It is still the same old life, same old long hours in office and same old people to interact with.
I have been on a look out for a change for sometime now. Want to go on a vacation, maybe a long vacation. I want to recharge myself. Maybe take a brief sabbatical or something. A job like mine burns one out completely.

Anyway I don't want to make this another crib session of mine. What i want to do though is to talk about what a vacation means to me. A vacation is time spent at my own pace. When I have time to visit places, time to read, to interact with new people and there is no urgency what so ever of going anywhere or getting something done in time, or chasing a deadline. I have been planning to go to Pondicherry for a long long time now, but somehow or other it doesn't work out.

I promise myself that i will visit Pondi within next two months.