Pain that is love ❤️

Being in love is experiencing pain
Pain that doesn't die out
Even when love does.

Ghalib got it so right!!!

Mohabbat me nahi hai farq jeene aur marne ka
Usi ko dekh kar jeete hain, jis kaafir pe dum nikle. 


Think of it, there really is no difference between the feeling of longing for someone or a low that descends on you when depressed. Only silver lining is perhaps the fact that you can do wishful thinking while pining away and make it enjoyable (in a masochist kind of way).

Essence of Sadness

Nothing is sad till its over
Then everything is

- Dr Who

More than a decade

Has been more than a decade
Wheels were set in motion
Life was to be lived
Love was to be won
Norms had to be broken
I wasn't alone, or was I
couldn't get out unscathed
yet lived on, for better or worse

now all I want is to be in the moment
scared to feel, scared to fall
constantly on guard
loss makes one understand
the true nature of yearning
and vividness of regrets
and desperateness for a time machine
and finally acceptance dawns
yet the loss is still so real
in the nightmares that visit
wake up soaked in sweat
crying and heaving still

If I could apologize, I would
If I could burn the world
I would
If I could forgive myself
I should

Prayer

Wish I could cry out loud

All I want is to cry
To let the cathartic wave engulf me
Tears they don't flow any more
If only I could shed a few
All the low stacked up
Wants to ebb over and flow
If only it could have the passage

SAPPY

Some days, they are exceptionally bad

today being one

I know why I am low

but don't see a point to it

all I can do is listen to Sappy and feel more low.

He'll keep you in a jar,
And you'll think you're happy...
He'll give you breathing holes,
And you'll think you're happy...
He'll cover you with grass,
And you'll think you're happy...  

Such is life

To weave a story, where there is none
A malady, an anomaly
but life is such

फूँक दे

This songs reverberates so well with what I feel right now. 

जब नशा टूटता है 

कितने टुकड़े गिरे हैं

होश चुनने लगे हम 

हम भी क्या सिर फिरे हैं 

लब पर जल रही है 

वो बात फूँक दे 

होंठों से रात की 

यह राख फूँक दे 

हयात फूँक दे

हवास फूँक दे 

साँस से सिला हुआ लिबास फूँक दे। 

~ankit

_____________

sent from mobile

life as I want it

craziness should abate

life should get to normal

stoic me should prevail

don't need love

don't need malice

enough of mediocrity

no bleeding hearts

may the gushing stop

like a soft putty I shall mold

and then in inferno I shall burn

to come out strong and tall

won't give in

won't let go of life as I want it

Yearning

Soar up in the sky

leave the horizons behind

venture into the void beyond

it feels a lot like one inside of me

vast expanse of nothing

bogged down by inconsequential tidbits

but they tease me and make me yearn

make me want to want some more

beyond the first star

the second and the third

the count goes on

lost in near infinity

trying to find my way home

where is home

it used to be here but no more

it used to be there but no more

an acid trip to get back home

to get back to the love and the pain

move on now, says ground control

there is nothing to move on to

says the voice in my head

traces of a dream linger on

she had revealed the intimate secret

I saw her with vermilion

didn't register it was for me

saw two boys and a happy extended family

like heaven that would never be

and then it fades to oblivion

still fighting demons I fought

trying to be strong when I am not

brave when I am not

feet primed to run

I am rooted to the vision

a lonely oddball among stars

no unsolicited love

no solicited sorrow

just plain abstract agony

and emotions too strong

emptiness inside me that yearns

and yearns and yearns some more

Reach out

Sometimes you reach out to share, share how you feel, how everything seems futile, how you are losing the battle of sanity, how you would like to be.

Sometimes this is all one can do.

and most times there is no one to reach out to

यहीं कहीं ज़िंदा हूँ अभी

यहीं कहीं ज़िंदा हूँ अभी 

तुझे देखे की ख़ातिर शायद

दिल की धड़कने टूटी नहीं 

आँखों की आस भी बाक़ी है 

शायद एक दिन तू मिल भी जाए

साँस का रुकना बाक़ी है अभी

सुबह को तेरी याद, रात को तेरी फ़रियाद

हाथ बढ़ाऊँ और छू लूँ तुझे 

यह ख़्वाब भी बाक़ी है अभी 

सीने में समा न पायें

सब अरमान बाक़ी हैं अभी 

यहीं कहीं ज़िंदा हूँ अभी 

तेरे मिलने की उम्मीद मैं शायद 

Gold at the end of rainbow

I see you, in every breath I take

sitting next to me

oblivious of my pain

like a veiled dagger

piercing my soul

that embarrassed smile

those bright eyes

play that we make

things that I do

thoughts I wish I could project

to embrace you to oblivion

die next moment

nothing unique

nothing new

peak of intensity though

didn't know I could feel it again

was safe and forgotten wasn't I

melancholy but sane

low but balanced

broken but trudging along

lonely, yes a lot

like an acid trip kicking in

you make all this beautiful, yet unbearable

wish I could cry

tears, they dried up long time back

infatuations don't last they say

mine do and don't go away

please be gone

let me breathe easy again

let me not know what i miss

let me not worship the idea of you

cause notions are all I have chased

and none had gold at end of rainbow

Motive

Why is love so hard

why does love change at all

why do we yearn 

why is silence a premium

why do we find ourselves tied

why oh why

when life is but a fleeting moment

all you stand for will turn to dust

years from now no one will know

no one will bother

why can't we be the way we want to be

desiring someone with all you have

missing someone will all you are worth

lovers all done and gone

lovers to be in waiting

it is not that my love is fickle

I just feel and want to live a bit more

to possess someone is fleeting

to catch that fleeting moment

and live a lifetime in it is the motive