More than a decade

Has been more than a decade
Wheels were set in motion
Life was to be lived
Love was to be won
Norms had to be broken
I wasn't alone, or was I
couldn't get out unscathed
yet lived on, for better or worse

now all I want is to be in the moment
scared to feel, scared to fall
constantly on guard
loss makes one understand
the true nature of yearning
and vividness of regrets
and desperateness for a time machine
and finally acceptance dawns
yet the loss is still so real
in the nightmares that visit
wake up soaked in sweat
crying and heaving still

If I could apologize, I would
If I could burn the world
I would
If I could forgive myself
I should