gloom

dark clouds of gloom

descend on me once again

am not able to see far or near

the darkness engulfes me

and takes me on a wild ride

ride where I meet all my emotions

all my insecurities

ride where I live through my life once again

some moments that hurt

some moments that are still raw

and I am totally lost

in the eddy of time

where present seems like past

past seems like future

and there is no trace of hope

 

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Life or something like that

Some times we just stand as life passes us by. We fail to comprehend what is happening, we fail to react to the prompts thrown up by fate to shape up the script of your lives. We just stand rooted to ground, wondering why things are not going the way we would expect them to.
Some of us just can't stop being mute witness to the play of fate, (that is what they call it) for a complete lifetime.
Not able to decide what needs to be done
Not able to make out wrong from right
Not able to define the morality
Not able to define their life

Sometime I got a mail with the punch line "After all life is all about the choices we make". It couldn't have been better said. We, I repeat we have the onus of making the choice.
It is "I" who decides what happens in my life, no one else can decide that.
If I let someone else decide what happens in my life, then
I am weak,
I need crutches all the time,
I don't believe in myself.......

There is no other way of saying it.
As long as one will try to find happiness in others, happiness will allude one.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Mat ro

kis kis baat par royega
kis kis ko royega
yoon hi apne aap se bhaagta rahega
yoon hi apne se baatein karega
kaun tha jo tere saath aaya tha
kaun hai jo tere saath jayega
kyon yaad karta hai beete hue pal
kyon hain teri aankehin ateet se nam
mat ro un sab par jo chale gaye
mat ro un sab par jo jaane waale hain

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

we all want to be in one

Illusions and how we chase them
like mirage gives one the hope
often an false one though
but one who is lost
will chase them still
for that is all he has
that is what remains sane
in the insanity that surrounds him
It is alright to chase illusions
and become one with them maybe
for all is insignificant
for all will be lost anyway

like the phantom
leading one to jump off the cliff
like the oblivion
promised by the dope
like the life
given to you in womb
like the love
showered on you by beloved
like the integrity
that makes one sacrifice
like the guilt
that kills from within
everything is but illusion
and yet we like to be in one
no, we all want to be in one

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

A million little pieces

Why do I do the things I do,
and why do I feel bad after doing them,
It is as if I have a constant desire to desecrate
all that i thought sacred once
want to be a man with no land
no religion, no identity
a man without sacred earth
a man not in search of sacred earth
each unsaid rule i break
each expectation I breach
each score that I even
leaves me feeling shattered
into a million little pieces
and yet I manage to rise up again
only to fall again

I wish I could be
a million little pieces
spread all over
someones sacred earth


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Superstition

Bad dreams, omens, read correctly, interpreted wrongly...
Is this what my life has become now, waiting for things to go wrong, one after another?
Why am I becoming overtly superstitious, is it because a whole lot has already gone bad ??
but then all these are consequences of my own actions and I think I take responsibility for my actions, or do I ??
doubts cloud my judgement, like the mist in the dream, emotions cloud my reason, like the massive waves in the dream.
I think I should not think about this at all.
I think I should just be.......

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Regret

re·gretter n.

    Synonyms: regret, sorrow, grief, anguish, woe, heartache, heartbreak
    These nouns denote mental distress. Regret has the broadest range, from mere disappointment to a painful sense of dissatisfaction or self-reproach, as over something lost or done: She looked back with regret on the pain she had caused her family. Sorrow connotes sadness caused by misfortune, affliction, or loss; it can also imply contrition: sorrow for his... children, who needed his protection, and whom he could not protect (James Baldwin). Grief is deep, acute personal sorrow, as that arising from irreplaceable loss: Grief fills the room up of my absent child,/Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me (Shakespeare). Anguish implies agonizing, excruciating mental pain: I pray that our heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement (Abraham Lincoln). Woe is intense, often prolonged wretchedness or misery: the deep, unutterable woe/Which none save exiles feel ( W.E. Aytoun). Heartache most often applies to sustained private sorrow: The child's difficulties are a source of heartache to the parents. Heartbreak is overwhelming grief: Better a little chiding than a great deal of heartbreak (Shakespeare).
   
   
Do I really regret anything?? why do I grieve ?? of what consequence is sorrow? what does anguish leave me with? why the heartbreak, why the heartache??

Wish i could take these words out of Dictionary and the feelings associated with them out of my psyche.
That is the only regret I have.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya