yoon na mujhko jhutla

Ik kalam mere paas hai
ik kalam tere paas bhi hai shayad
toon apni kalam se
muqqadar likhta hai shayad
main apni kalam se
shikayat darz karta hoon

Teri kalam main dum hai shayad
jo meri ilteza ko yoon nazar andaaz karta hai

toon kaisa khuda hai
ki toon yeh nahin jaanta
ki insaan chahta kya hai
toon kaisa khuda hai
ki sirf apni marzi bayan karta hai

Thak chuka hoon,
haar chuka hoon
ro chuka hoon,
teri dehleez par lekin,
toon maanta hi nahin
ki main bhi tera banda hoon

teri ibaadat ye sab kaafir karte hain
shayad nahin jaante ki toon kya hai

main jo tujhe dhoondne ki koshish karta hoon
to ek andhera sa chaaron taraf paata hoon
jab tujhe dhoondne ki koshish apne andar karta hoon
to hameshaan, sarvada khud hi ko paata hoon

kay toon mera pratibimb hai
kya main tera pratibimb hoon
ye sawal paa kar main
asmanjas main pad jaata hoon

yahi sochta hoon ki toon hai
to kahan hai..
agar hai to saamne aa
aur agar nahin hai to
yoon na mujhko jhutla
yoon na mujhko jhutla....

Doori

Tujhe dhoondne main mujhko
sadiyan guzar jayengi
yahi sochta hoon shayad
jo dhoondta nahin hoon

Teri ek Jhalak ki Tadap,
Deewana kar deti hai
Deewanapan kabool nahin abhi
tadap ko ghont deta hoon

yoon ki ek khat bhej rakha hai
jawaab aa jaye yeh intezaar bhi
lekin is dil main umeed nahin
bas ek rookhi si aah hai

Jawaab tera dekhne ko betaab to hoon
lekin ye betaabi
kahin jaan na le jaaye
isse darta hoon main

Bhula chuka hoon tujhe main
par ab bhi kahin dhoondta hoon
tera intezaar karna
accha lage hai mujhko

teri awaaz sunne ki khatir
dastak di thi dar par
toon jo pooch leti to yeh aas bhar jaati
toon nahin thi shayad ghar par
yeh naseeb apna hi hai

Toon door hi rehna jidhar hai
yeh doori jala rahi hai
lekin sailaab se bacha hoon
jo tere paas aate aaye

Pathron ke beech main bhi
patthar sa ho gaya hoon
darta hoon tere se saaye se
pathhar pighal na jaaye

Happy Deepawali

Hi All,
This Diwali I would like to offer a prayer for all of us.....

Hey Lord, this Deepawali,
let all the darkenss inside us go away
let us all be cleansed of all our sins
let us all become aware of humanity
let us all become aware
of the true light

Let us be one with nature,
let us be one with thee.
let us be enlightened.

Wishin you all a Very Happy Diwali

--
There are things known and things unknown
And in between lie the DOORS

Bahut din hue

Bahut din hue,
ek muddat beet gayi,
bahut door chod aya us jagah ko
Jahan tum kabhi basa karte the
lekin tumhari hasi ki goonj
aaj bhi mujhe dhoonde hai uther
tumhara ithlana, sajna, aitrana
bas yaadon main reh gaya hai
kuch dhundli, na bujhne waali yaadein.

Bahut din hue
ek muddat beet gayi.

Abhi bhi tumhari nam aankhon se
chalakta woh ek akela aansoo
us ansoo main chupi dastaan
mujhe dastak deti hai
pukaarti hai.....
lekin is pukaar main mayusi nahin hai
ek kashish hai
maano yeh ansoo
meri baat jo raha ho.
shayad yeh is tarah ankahe ansune girna nahin chahta
chahta hai ki main iska astittva sweekar karooon

bahut din hue
ek muddat beet gayi.

har ek pal jo tumhare saath bitaya
woh har lamha jo tumhari maujoodgi se bhara tha
tumhara tha, poori tarah se tumhara
un lamhon ka karz
tumhari aakhiri nazar ki tadap
tumhara peeche mud kar dobara na dekhna
us gumnaan shahar ko samay ki dhool main
hamenshaan ki liye dafn kar dena
yeh kuch karz reh gaye hain tumpar
bahut din hue
ek muddat beet gayi.

--
There are things known and things unknown
And in between lie the DOORS

There she stood

There she stood
wrapped in her own misery
in a reluctant recluse
trying to hide the tears
that swelled every now and then
trying to shove away the world
that crept into her regular sobs
she knew life
as it had been meant for her
she knew life
as she had been living it
now, on the verge of breakdown
no hope flashed in front of her
all re-collections of the past
were coming through like a collage
and there she stood
perched on top of a high rise
ready to jump

~4/11/2004

woh akela hai

Door Kahin Pahadon se pare,
Ek Door se gaon main
peepul ki chaoon main
door waale kaune main
ek vridh baitha hai
woh akela hai
bahut akela...

Aisa nahin ki usne
zindagi dekhi hi nahin
jee chuak tha woh zindagi
Pachta raha tha woh zindagi
jaanta tha woh ki woh kya hai
is liye tha woh akela
bahut akela

Aaj apne saath kisi ko na paata tha
Bahut saari galtiyon ka ranjh bhari tha
apni hi aankhon main gir kar
apne gunahon ki sazaa paa raha tha
kayi jo uske sang the aaj alag the
ab bas yaadon ki kampan thi
is kampan ki jhunjhunanaht se
kahin door se aawaaz aa rahi thi
Woh akela hai

--
There are things known and things unknown
And in between lie the DOORS

paul gaugin says

> "Painting is the most beautiful of all arts. In it, all sensations are condensed; contemplating it, everyone can create a story at the will of his imagination and-with a single glance-have his soul invaded by the most profound recollections; no effort of memory, everything is summed up in one instant. -A complete art which sums up all the others and completes them. -Like music, it acts on the soul through the intermediary of the senses: harmonious colors correspond to the harmonies of sounds. But in painting a unity is obtained which is not possible in music, where the accords follow one another, so that the judgment experiences a continuous fatigue if it wants to reunite the end with the beginning. The ear is actually a sense inferior to the eye. The hearing can only grasp a single sound at a time, whereas the sight takes in everything and simultaneously simplifies it at will.
>
> "Like literature, the art of painting tells whatever it wishes, with the advantage that the reader immediately knows the prelude, the setting, and the ending. Literature and music require an effort of memory for the appreciation of the whole; the last named is the most incomplete and the least powerful of arts.
>
> "You can dream freely when you listen to music as well as when looking at a painting. When you read a book, you are a slave of the author's thought. The author is obliged to address himself to the mind before he can impress the heart, and God knows how little power a reasoned sensation has. Sight alone produced an instantaneous impulse. But then, the men of letters alone are art-critics; they alone defend themselves before the public. Their introductions are always a justification of their work, as if really good work does not defend itself on its own.
>
> "These gentlemen flutter about the world like bats which flap their wings in the twilight and whose dark mass appears to you in every direction; animals disquieted by their fate, their too heavy bodies preventing them from rising. Throw them a handkerchief full of sand and they will stupidly make a rush at it.
>
> "One must listen to them judging all human works. God has created man after his own image which, obviously, is flattering for man. "This work pleases me and is done exactly the way I should have conceived it." All art criticism is like that: to agree with the public, to seek a work after one's own image. Yes, gentlemen of letters, you are incapable of criticizing a work of art, be it even a book. Because you are already corrupt judges; you have beforehand a ready-made idea-that of the man of letters-and have too high an opinion of your own thoughts to examine those of others. You do not like blue, therefore you condemn all blue paintings. If you are a sensitive and melancholy poet, you want all compositions to be in a minor key. -Such a one likes graciousness and must have everything that way. Another one likes gaiety and does not understand a sonata.
>
> "it takes intelligence and knowledge in order to judge a book. To judge painting and music requires special sensations of nature besides intelligence and artistic science; in a word, one has to be a born artist, and few are chosen among all those who are called. Any idea can be formulated, but not so the sensation of the heart. What efforts are not needed to master fear or a moment of enthusiasm! Is not love often instantaneous and nearly always blind? And to say that thought is called spirit, whereas the instincts, the nerves, and the heart are part of matter. What irony!
>
> "The vaguest, the most undefinable, the most varied is precisely matter. Thought is a slave of sensations. I have always wondered why one speaks of "noble instincts." . . .
>
> "Above man is nature.
>
> "Literature is human thought described by words.
>
> "Whatever talent you may have in telling me how Othello appears, his heart devoured by jealousy, to kill Desdemona, my soul will never be as much impressed as when I have seen Othello with my own eyes entering the room, his forehead presaging the storm. That is why> you need the stage to complement your work.
>
> "You may describe a tempest with talent-you will never succeed in conveying to me the sensation of it.
>
> "Instrumental music as well as numbers are based on a unit. The entire musical system derives from this principle, and the ear has become used to all these divisions. The unit is established through the means of an instrument, yet you may choose some other basis and the tones, half-tones, and quarter-tones will follow each other. Outside of these you will have dissonance. The eye is used less than the ear to perceive these dissonances, but then divisions [of color] are more numerous, and for further complication there are several units.
>
> "On an instrument, you start from one tone. In painting you start from several. Thus, you begin with black and divide up to white-the first unit, the easiest and the most frequently used one, hence the best understood. But take as many units as there are colors in the rainbow, add those made up by composite colors, and you will reach a rather respectable number of units. What an accumulation of numbers, truly a Chinese puzzle! No wonder then that the colorist's science has been so little investigated by the painters and is so little understood by the public. Yet what richness of means to attain an intimate relationship with nature!
>
> "They reprove our colors which we put [unmixed] side by side. In this domain we are perforce victorious, since we are powerfully helped by nature which does not proceed otherwise. A green next to a red does not produce a reddish brown, like the mixture [of pigments], but two vibrating tones. If you put chrome yellow next to this red, you have three tones complementing each other and augmenting the intensity of the first tone: the green. Replace the yellow by a blue, you will find three different tones, though still vibrating through one another. If instead of the blue you apply a violet, the result will be a single tone, but a composite one, belonging to the reds.
>
> "The combinations are unlimited. The mixture of colors produces a dirty tone. Any color alone is a crudity and does not exist in nature. Colors exist only in an apparent rainbow, but how well rich nature took care to show them to you side by side in an established and unalterable order, as if each color was born out of another!
>
> "Yet you have fewer means than nature, and you condemn yourself to renounce all those which it puts at your disposal. Will you ever have as much light as nature, as much heat as the sun? And you speak of exaggeration-but how can you exaggerate since you remain below nature?
>
> "Ah! If you mean by exaggerated any badly balanced work, then you are right in that respect. But I must draw your attention to the fact that, although your work may be timid and pale, it will be considered exaggerated if there is a mistake of harmony in it. Is there then a science of harmony ? Yes.
>
> "In that respect the feeling of the colorist is exactly the natural harmony. Like singers, painters sometimes are out of tune, their eye has no harmony. Later there will be, through study, an entire method of harmony, unless people neglect it, as is done in the academies and most of the time also in studios. Indeed, the study of painting has been divided into two categories. One learns to draw first and then to paint, which means that one applies color within a pre-established contour, not unlike a statue that is painted after it is finished. I must admit that until now I have understood only one thing about this practice, namely that color is nothing but an accessory. I 'Sir, you must draw properly before painting"-this is said in a pedantic manner; but then, all great stupidities are said that way.
>
> "Does one wear shoes instead of gloves? Can you really make me believe that drawing does not derive from color, and vice-versa? To prove this, I commit myself to reduce or enlarge one and the same drawing, according to the color with which I fill it up. Try to draw a head by Rembrandt in his exact proportions> and then put on the colors of Rubens-you will see what misshapen product you derive, while at the same time the colors will have become unharmonious.
>
> "During the last hundred years large amounts have been spent for the propagation of drawing and the number of painters is increasing, yet no real progress has been made. Who are the painters we admire at the present? All those who reproved the schools, all those who drew their science from the personal observation of nature. Not one ..."
>
> [manuscript not completed].
>

Talking about life and death

Read you mail...
You know nothing haunts me now....
and when I say it I really mean it. I used to be haunted by Child
abuse, but not anymore, I used to feel so strongly about crime against
women, nationality patroitism, islam etc. etc.
But now I feel totally relieved and don't think about that any more. I
have finally truly accepted the world as it is. and It is very
complete.
Death has no meaning and so has life. There is no meaning in getting
born and living. there can be motive or a purpose, but no meaning.
So I have stopped trying to derive meaning out of futility........
This might sound wierd, but this is the actual truth. I have a purpose
in life, or I am trying to really find one, but there is no meaning to
my life or any body elses life.
It is not permanent and will end one day, maybe today maybe tomorrow.
and It just doesn't matter.
If we take anything and consider it on appropriate scale, it doesn't
mean a shit.
for example
I fell down from bike is nothing when compared to a gruesome car
crash, which is nothing compared to full blown war, which is nothing
compared to earth being blown to pieces by impact of a huge celestial
body, which is nothing compared to dying of sun, which is nothing
compared to dying of galaxy, which is nothing compared to vastness of
the universe.
So essentially everything is insignificant. if something is pushing
one down, he/she should take on a bigger game and soon all the sorrows
will dissapear :-)
Enough of gyan,,,,,,

--
There are things known and things unknown
And in between lie the DOORS

dilemma

I have been feeling exceptionally low today. This happens when all of
a sudden the realization of your worthlessnes daws on you every once
in a while. Only difference is that this time it is really strong.
I have been working in an industry for more that 3 years now and I
don't really suck at my job, in fact I am doing above average or maybe
even good, but the thing that always comes back to haunt me is the
fact that probably I want something else.
And the worst part is that I am not working towards it and feel bad
when something goes wrong in my work place :-)
This is a strange obsession to prove something that I don't really
want to prove, but am forcing myself to prove it anyway. It is like a
big curse.

And now I again feel like running away from everything and everyone......

Us Shahar ki woh ik shaam

Us shahar ki woh shaam yaad aati hai
us shaam main dhalte suraj ki kam pad rahi garmi
aur suraj se jhulsaayi hui jameen
jo ab aaram ki upeksha kar rahi thi
woh yaad aati hai

us tapish main ik umeed thi
raat ki umeed,
maano sari quamat ab bas araam chahti ho
suraj se tang aayi hawa ab suhani ban behna chahti
thi
sab jagah zindagi apne gupt thikano se nikal aayi
thi
us tapish main thande hone ka josh aaj yaad aata hai

shayad aaj wahi shaam ho
doosre kisi shahar main
shayad zindagi doobara panapne ke kagaar par ho
shayad insaan fir jeene ki talaash main ho


--
There are things known and things unknown
And in between lie the DOORS

Have to Write

Have been out of business for a long time now :-) Had been to Tokyo
and am back now, Am working on a travelogue will post it on the web as
soon as it is done.
Nothing major is happening apart from that.
Yes was down with flu for a week or so, Am better now. today I bought
a lot of books again :-) Just cannot resist the books.

--
There are things known and things unknown
And in between lie the DOORS

Destiny beckons you....

Destiny beckons you.............

Does it? Does it really exist
I mean the destiny.
And If it does then why does it beckon
Why doesn't it just happen????
Isn't it supposed to be that way????

No you fool you have to grab the opportunity

Why? What is there in it to grab
Except for maybe more complications and sufferings?
Why do we get fooled by this again and again?

You are hopeless pathetic looser

Oh is it so? I am more than happy
Indian culture speaks about letting go.
I have let go of basic ambitions in life
And believe me it is really blissful :-)

This too will pass

This too will pass
And you won't have a clue
Don't wait for time to do
What it can, to you.
Suffering in silence, is not one of my virtues
But to utter a silent scream, I have learnt
Fading away into oblivion
On the path to perdition
Falling into an abyss
With no echo of my requiem
Rise, thou shalt not
Fall thy shall
Fly thy shall
With thou wings clipped........
This too will pass.

Dry Leaf

As the dry leaf came down
from the binding roots
the breeze lifted
it and took it in its lair ..
and laid it
amidst the densest green ...
there to rest ...
when ....there
came a momentary storm
that shook the calm away
and there settled a
restlessness ...and
the leaf implored ..
y did u ever come

I came replied the breeze
to give another promise of life
the promise though false
made you live a moment longer
and drove you to ponder and think
think about the age old questions
questions you had shunned
maybe I came too late
and maybe I don't belong here
but belong even you not
in the dust, to be crumpled
under the feet of men and beast alike
so what if you are withered
so what if you are weak
I will raise you to the heights of heaven
and even if that heaven is short lived
you will know for sure that you deserved it

that is why I came......

One step a day

So easy to look back
So difficult to forget past
Each time I look back
I can't help but shiver at the thought
Of the fight that lies ahead
To be normal once more....
Am tired of fighting it again and again
Just want to lie down, break down and rest
Rest in peace maybe......
But then life doesn't't wait for me
Time doesn't't stand still
Everything turns a new leaf
And I head for final land of nod
One step a day..........

Dawn is not far

> Dawn is not far,
> I can feel the first rays of light
> Though not see them yet
> The wind is cold as it should be.....
> Dampness of dew is all around me
> I can almost hear the birds chirping
>
> Dawn is not far
>
> The river is flowing relentlessly
> I can see the star light in it
> Moon is somewhere beyond horizon
> I can hear some people walking
> A women returning from somewhere
> Few drunkards staggering here and there
>
> Dawn is not far
>
> The city is still sleeping
> Except for scavengers on prowl
> And some one out for nocturnal trysts
> As the dawn approaches
> Ushering in a new day
> Birds and fledglings will wake up to welcome the sun
> Sun that is source of life
>
> Dawn is not far
>
> But should I see the dawn
> Wait for another day and hope it to be new
> Maybe I would........
> Because dawn is not far.............

Innocence

I am no more innocent
but I still recall the child I was..

when I stared into the eyes of demon
and let him crumble me
me a passive entity
just trying to break free

I don't remember when I last smiled
but yes, wept I remember
every time it happened
if not my eyes
then the soul within

I was so fragile
and he trampled me
over and over
naive I was
thought it to be my fate

why was it me
I don't have the answer
but I still remember
the guilt, the fear
the restlessness
the darkness
the hopelessness

the shadows still haunt me
and will for time to come
I am and will always be fighting
the demon that lies within
to lay to rest the ghosts of past.................

I am no more innocent
but still recall the child I was.......................

I lost my innocence
but am I to blame
if I play the same game
with demons whom I know......................

Tum Yaad Aate ho

Jab saanjh dhale
apni hasti mitane
dheere dheere se suraj raat ke aagosh main kho jaaye
tub tum yaad aate ho

zindagi ke is mod par
jab thak haar kar, choor hokar
apne aap ko dhoondta hoon
tum yaad aate ho

jab kabhi apne ko akela paa kar
kisi rahgir ki tarah manzil khojta hoon
manzil tak pahunchne ki chah ko dhoondta hoon
tum yaad aate ho

jab gairo ke beech apno ko dhoondta hoon
apno ke beech begano ko
aur begane bane apno ko dekhta hoon
tum yaad aate ho

jab kabhi apne ko apahij paa kar
ummedon ka gala ghotta hoon
apne aap ko samjhata hoon
tum yaad aate ho

tum koi bhi to nahin the
na saawan, na jheth, na ashad
bas ik sapna shayad, us sapne main jab khud ko dekhta hoon
tum yaad aate ho

yeh silsila khatm ho jaye
yeh bhi to nahin
maut ke aanchal main leta jaoon
woh bhi to nahin
naam tumhara na loon
aisa bhi to nahin
tum yaad na aao
mumkin hi nahin
is chakrvyuh main abhimanyu ki tarah jab jhoojhta hoon
tum yaad aate ho

insaan hoon koi farishta to nahin
waqt ko bhula doon
yeh rutba bhi nahin
jab waqt reh reh kar dastak deta hai
tum yaad aate ho

yeh aankehin tumhein dhoondti to nahin
yeh dil tumhare liye rota to nahin
par yeh dhadkan kuch kami zaroor mahsus karti hai jab
tum yaad aate ho

Soul

Just before the darkest hour
I saw a dawn breaking
there was this angel standing
she looked withered and tired.
her wings ruffled and torn

I got up to help
but she yelled stop
don't hurt me anymore
I can't take it anymore

stunned that I was I asked
what is hurting you
and who are you
what brings you here
and what can I do....

I am your soul
and that is hurting me
you have ravished me, plundered me
raped me, murdered me
and I am here to plead stop
tell me if you don't need a soul anymore
and I will silently depart
you won't feel anything
and there will be no pain
you will be like others
living all in disdain

but if you want to keep me
stop killing me
stop killing me
stop killing me.

The Corpse

there lies the corpse
and the game is over
who won and who lost doesn't matter
because scavengers are closing in
and before they pounce on the dead
it has to be removed
so that we can at least have the remains
of what was great..................

but no one is helping me do that
victors are rejoicing
losers are shattered
observers are debating
and there lies the corpse
corpse of humanity

I am unable to make out
who the scavengers are
sometimes I see the faces of victors
with an ugly leer of lust and power
wanting to scavenge what all is left.
sometimes I see the faces of losers
with the look of hatred and revenge
wanting to unleash fury and wrath
on what is left.
the observers are blind....................
and the corpse still lies there

I try to drag it
to lift it , carry it away
but more I try
more heavy it becomes
and I feel this will be
till I become one
with the corpse......................................................................................

The Hell that is

some times I feel
it is easier to believe in Satan,
because we all have seen hell.....

but heaven we have not
accept momentarily when we sinned.............
If there is anything like sin.

see, but not smell..
smell, but not feel,
feel but not taste..
taste but not enjoy..................................

welcome to the hell

Illusions

illusions ..are so beautiful ..aren't they??
so tempting..
so alluring..
so full of promises of happiness ....

illusions built of illusions ...
that pull u so deep within ..that at one point the self becomes an
illusion .. thoughts become dreams ...

we become one among the rest ...Yes ...

Knowing the reality and accepting it is hard ...
Feeling the illusion and living it is ecstasy ..

It is each mans personal choice ...

it is your personal choice ......
yours and yours only ....

Me

Blossoms that I see
so colorful they seem
like a rainbow they give joy
but are just to be felt
not to be possessed
so am I....

I Wonder

some times I feel
that things have lost meaning
small joys don't matter any more
we all are running
to where ? we don't know.
and once in a while we pause
for someone who can't run anymore

then leave the past behind and start running again.

till when ? we don't know

Some times I just imagine
somebody standing outside this whole mêlée
trying to figure out
what running is all about
then he says
"I never thought, my creation could be so engrossing
yet so removed from reason, so futile"
and laughs out loud................................

Hero

Some times I feel disenchanted
from the ordeal that is life.

how good it would be
to let go completely
to have a free fall
or get out of the rat race
stand aside and laugh at the world
even if for a brief period of time.

to be left alone
with nobody to fend
no one looking for you
to go into a shell
even if for a brief period of time.

to put at stake
what others prize the most
life.........................
to play the risky game
without knowing the outcome..
to live like the heroes
even if for a brief period of time.

then when that moment is over
and you are still breathing
then like a phantom you rise
and go back to the world from where you came.
but what is important is..
you lived
even if for a brief period of time.

I think it is time to apologize

Humans always tend to find out new ways of explaining what is happening to them. The important fact is that all these exercises are targeted towards the basic need to communicate, to tell the truth, to try and vindicate oneself. The need to communicate is of epic proportions in Humans.....

I guess I need to apologize for a lot of things. But first things first, You mean an awful lot to me. I have never ever cried for anybody in my whole life, I did that for you. I told you this just to set the perspective right. I don't think I was ready for the wrath that I went through, the day you left. All of a sudden I was all alone with nobody to talk to, nobody who would even remotely understand what went wrong. The whole of city seemed like a big angry mob, hell bent to alienate me and make me feel your loss. Nothing had any meaning anymore. Nothing I did was complete, there was this thing, the zing for life, missing.
I tried really hard to make it go away, But it refused to go away. I for the first time fully realized what you meant to me.

I really didn't know how to react, looked for my loss to be reciprocated by you, but found someone who had moved on, someone who had adjusted :-) For the first time I couldn't adapt to the new life.

Went berserk, tried to hurt the object of my desire, never ever even thought of harming you though, just felt like hurting you. Nothing helped.

Then when nothing helps time does :-) Just cut myself off...............

Sorry for all the times I might have made you cry, or feel sad.
Sorry..........

moments of weakness

There are times when "moments of weakness" take you over, when you feel that the stand one has taken might not be the best thing to do. It is at these times that we repent whatever wrong we have done. But this is not a very common scenario, for moments of breakdown to happen one should be emotional, and above all willing to forgive or forget.
Today morning I had one such moment of weakness, I saw somebody who meant a lot to me at some point of time in my dream. It was like being zapped into a different dimension of time, where everything was still the way I wanted it to be, then suddenly the object of my obsession left me, and again I was pushed into those dark emotions. I wanted vengeance. But I am afraid that is no solution, I have realized it long time back. But these moments of weakness that drag one back in time are really dangerous.

what am i to do to make you go away

why Can't i live peacefully forgetting about you for ever... Why do i drag to bad blood whne it comes to you, you just left as was always expected, Not becasue of you but because of me maybe, but why is it that I cannot live with it still.
Did i really love you??
I don't know, but yes i do miss you,
the craving has ceased to be omnipresent
but still i miss you in a line or two
the line or two i leave as offline message
but really you and me have moved so far that there is nothing to talk.
I don't want to discuss my life with you and nor do i get happy listening to you and your hubby's exploits
Feel completely lost and uncomfortable in this nrw world of yours.
Want to live in past with the memories that still haunt me, atleast sometimes.

For most of the times I have become normal. But the times of weakness when the eternal doom of human life overwhelmes me, when i feel that there is no reason, no cause to human suffering and life. I feel that i should not amputate that part of me that still acknowledges you, maybe even longs for you.

what am i to do........ to make it all normal........

People feel lonely

here I am typing again.... It has been a long day and now I am more than tired. My thoughts are not coherent any more. All I can think of is stupid work that doesn't happen.
So what is it that drives me to do this slogging when nothing is present, I don't even have a proper manual or any idea where to start from. Things just don't work...... and on top of that I don't have a clue, why the hell are we doing it anyway.

Only Consolation is the PIZZA at the end of the day..

I realized it that some people feel lonely, they feel the need to communicate to people. It seems that these kinds cannot live without human contact.......
Good for them. as for me there are times when I dont feel like talking to anybody leave alone the sight of anybody.

Long time since i last wrote

It has been a long times since I last wrote, but nothing much has changed since. It is still the same old life, same old long hours in office and same old people to interact with.
I have been on a look out for a change for sometime now. Want to go on a vacation, maybe a long vacation. I want to recharge myself. Maybe take a brief sabbatical or something. A job like mine burns one out completely.

Anyway I don't want to make this another crib session of mine. What i want to do though is to talk about what a vacation means to me. A vacation is time spent at my own pace. When I have time to visit places, time to read, to interact with new people and there is no urgency what so ever of going anywhere or getting something done in time, or chasing a deadline. I have been planning to go to Pondicherry for a long long time now, but somehow or other it doesn't work out.

I promise myself that i will visit Pondi within next two months.

Working late again ....

So what that i am working late again.. It has become a habit now. I am waiting for some setup to be ready so that i can check out my luck.... Anyway that is not what i want to write about, I just want to have my mind off this stupid work thing.. How many of us really chose our careers?? Seriosuly how many of us are just living because fate decided to put us someplace where we don't belong, but don't have enough guts to get out?? I bet there are a lot of guys like that, I am also like that. I wanted to be an actor, director media personality all my life, but now all i can think of is working on this stupid software job.... Anyway have to leave my Pizza is here......

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Blind Pilot

Blind Pilot

All passengers were in the gate area waiting for an Air Jamaica

flight to depart.

Suddenly the Co-pilot arrived, impeccably dressed in his uniform,

wearing dark glasses and with a white cane finding his way to the

gate. The airline flight attendant explained to the passengers, that

although he is blind, he is the best co-pilot in the company.

Later, the Pilot arrived, also impeccably dressed in his uniform,

dark glasses and a white cane, and he is being assisted by two flight

attendants. The representative in charge at the waiting area assured

all passengers that although the Pilot is blind, he is the best pilot

in the company, and together with the Co-pilot, they make the best

experienced team in the cockpit.

With everyone on board, the plane start speeding on the runway,

increasing the speed more and more. The passengers are terrorized by

now. The plane keeps increasing the speed but does not take off; it

continues the run but stays on the ground. The end of the runway gets

closer and closer, and in an explosion of general hysteria the

passengers start screaming as if they are possessed.

At that very moment the plane miraculously lifted off. The Pilot

calmly turns to the Co-pilot" and said: Any day di passenger dem no

scream....wi salt!!!

Translation: "Any day the passengers do not scream ...we are

screwed!!!

Woes of staying late in office

I am Again working late, don't understand why we have to work more than 8 hours... maybe it is becasue that people in other places are not ready to work for more than 8 hours that we get this business........
Whatever it is I am getting sick of working late.
And guess what there are atleast 40% fo the team still working, some having conf calls with US colleagues, some trying to fix issues, some chasing deadlines....
but more or less it is individualistic work that keeps us late in office...

I have tried to analyze it. We come to office late and don't start working till it is evening, waste a lot of time in breaks or just fooling around. so others who like to get their work done on time suffer because of majority and have to stretch and work long hours becasue of majority...

We need to change this somehow.

Majority should not govern how the whole system behaves, we should be able to mould the majority to a more mature way of living.

What am I doing in life

Sometimes I just take out time to think what the hell I am doing with my life. Life seems to be so full of shit. people are ready to kill and dominate and what not, for their gains. It feels as if human society is doomed. As if we are heading towards total annihilation. I for one don't want Humans to just disappear from the face of earth. In fact I don't want millions of years of nature's hard work to go waste, but then how do I matter to the grand scheme of thing.
Humans have this tendency of being too individualistic. They are too self centered and mean to think above and beyond their own existence.
they don't think of humans as a race, but they think as human as an individual..

We are seriously going nowhere with this evolution.......

Starting the Blog

I just decided to have a bolg about nothing. By nothing i mean nothing in particular but everything in general.....
Will be writing about the stuff that means a lot to me, or doesn't mean at all to me :-)