hurt revisited

Some hurts are best left alone
some questions best left unanswered
some answers best left unsaid
it pricks like a million needles
it bites like a million fangs
my body seems in adequate
my heart bleeds thick blood
my eyes weep tears of misery
but they don't drown the pain
I try to assuage the suffering
and make it worse
I run to the source of agony
and embrace it in my arms
Accept it as my defeat
and wail over the loss
and then I move on

He is an Island

In a desert all alone,
where there had been life once,
allured by the radiance of  solitude,
he trudges along,
stepping on fossils,
from times gone by.
Waiting for a mirage to happen,
to seduce his senses to insanity,
so that life becomes bearable.
But the pain doesn't go away,
and he breaks down and wails,
for someone to end the misery,
but no one listens, nobody can,
for he is an island

When will she fly

have hit a writers block I guess, am not finding any inspiration to write something about the world anymore, or maybe I am concentrated too much on my own world. I have to bring order to chaos somehow, bring sanity back to my life.

when will she fly
the fledgling that is a bird now
testing out her wings
tasting the first fruits of flight
leaving behind the nest
she thought would be her home for life
she is preparing for the flight
when will she fly

there is just so much hurt one can take
and she is reaching the threshold fast
heavens will cry once more
when she takes the final flight

It had rained that night
just as someone had predicted
it had poured wild
as a million angels cried
her faith was lost
and never again will she believe
things cannot last
dreams cannot come true
at least not hers
as she looks up and asks
with the eyes of a child
why me, why me, why me
the child is not yet lost
but will soon be

Just Believe

An innocent face
redness in eyes
wild tresses
made more wild
by the blowing wind
a pained expression
smile that is lost
laughter like a brook
lost somewhere for now
lost she looks
incapable she calls herself
torn by love
she questions herself
"to what consequence"
"Why did you happen"
"why did you barge in"

All he can feel is tenderness
all he can feel is her pain
His pain is pushed back to oblivion
he is ready to die
for the tenderness that he sees in her
for the sense of belonging she brings in
for the love of his life
for his soul mate
for she made him see the beauty
for she told him what love was
for she is the precious
he doesn't want to possess her
just wants her to believe
just wants her to gather her torn wings
and take a flight
he cannot make her
she is her own master
he cannot guide her
for she knows better
he just wants her to see in herself
what she forgot as a child
he wants her to believe
believe in herself
believe in her strength
he prays for her to believe

Man in the mirror

Looked into his eyes
had the slithering look of a snake
looked at his face
had the vileness of the devil
felt his heart beat
could hear the booming loath
heard him breath
had the fire of hell in them
he was the man in the mirror
and I got scared of him
the ugliest of all that live
the scariest of all that move
the meanest of all that breath
If only I could
turn him inside out
make a hide of his skin
hang his guts to dry
let his flesh rot
let his eyes by gouged
let his heart fry
and keep him alive
to bear all this agony
would he have paid
the penance in part

How much loath can I handle

Every once in a while each one of us is forced to question the basic fabric of humanity that we claim to wrap around us. I have been forced to question the very basic aspect of my existence. Today I was forced to see the filth in me. I was forced to turn myself inside out and ponder about the only stated goal that I had for life for as long as I remember
"To grow into a good human being"
And today I found myself way short of the yard stick, I am prejudiced, jealous, full of envy and hatred. I am manipulative, cheat, hypocrite and basically an asshole.
What do I do about it? Don't know for now. Really don't know except for that fact that I am feeling like low-life scum, cheap, slutty and essentially very small. I feel the whole notion of having "inherent goodness" inside me shattered. I feel l am devil's advocate, only I am not good enough for that too.
I have not felt so loathsome about myself in ages.
And nothing seems to set it right, nothing..................................

--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin

Voyage

Have been low since yesterday, but then feeling low is relative, there are a few things that are finally dawning on me, there are a few things that I cannot push to the back burner anymore, I have to know and only then can I decide what course my life will take. Cannot have anyone decide that for me and I have to decide things considering my own limitations.

I have limitation of being Emotionally unstable and each and every time I try to overcome it, it just pushes me back to a more deep caveran. Lets see if I am triumphant this time or not :-)

 

Delhi has been OK, the audacity of the whole thing is that I am no longer interested in Delhi as a city. Another change that has come on me.

 

anyway whatever nevermind

Delhi

Am in Delhi, the city of hearts, I practically grew up in Delhi and have a special feeling for the same. I used to say

"Delhi hai dil waalon ki, albelon ki mastaano ki"

I don't know what I would be doing here for next so many days, but if I can have my way I would like to see all the places I knew as a kid, when I was growing up, the destinations include the house of my first GF (the place of pilgrimage I guess :-) ) and my school apart form the neighborhood I lived in. then i would like to visit all the monuments that I had visited as a kid, but a lot depends on my friend Smarth. He is not too keen on all this stuff I guess :-(

Probably I will let him go to office and take his Thunderbird and go grazing in Delhi :-)

--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin

Zindagi

Tanhaion ko dhoondna ek bahana hai
inmein kho jaana bas ek khwaish hai
kaun hona chahta hai asiir-e-khalwat
yeh koi shauk to nahin farmaane ke liye

chahta hoon koi dhoond le mujhko
palkon pe muza' iyan kare
mere har naaz ki parwah kare
mujhe kabhi koi zakhm na de

lekin shayad yeh mumkin nahin
lekin shayad yeh mumkni nahin

is hi wiiraane main dam tod doonga ek din
yahi maayusi mera sabab hai
yahi aawaragi meri zindagi

Chuppi

aankhein sab dekhti hain
dil sab samajhta hai
unko pata hai, humko pata hai
lekin hakikat koi bayaan nahin karta

jhulas rahe hain is aag main dono
zaban pe kuch aur dil main kuch
dhadkano main kuch
saanson main kuch
phir bhi chup hain hum tum
jhoot bhi chup
sach bhi chup
lab bhi chup
aankh bhi chup
sparsh bhi chup
muskaan bhi chup
intezaar bhi chup
khamoshi bhi chup
dhadkanein bhi chup
saansein bhi chup
gham bhi chup
khushi bhi chup

What has become of me

what has become of me
in this land of nonsense
where I trivialize myself
for the notion called love

why do I expect
what is not to be
why do I desire
what is not mine
why do I seek
what I call solace
why do I live
in a fools paradise
why do I get hurt
by frivolous gestures
why do I feel the pain
over lost causes

what has become of me
in this land of nonsense
where I hawk myself
for the fickleness of love

main aur meri tanhaai :-)

Went to railway station today after a loooooooooooong time. Or was it really long, well i don't care about that, for once I was going to see off someone. And this time the experience was different, I did not relive all the farewells I have said in life, It was OK to let go, probably because I have already let go of the person in question. But more importantly I got the feeling that life still goes on. It is one thing to say it, another to really feel it.
Tomorrow will be another day, and things that hold good today won't matter maybe. things that cling on and claw at heart won't be so bad. With passing time things tend to settle down.
Getting a grip, maybe I am
but is it worth anything, well time will surely tell.
but the Horizon looks brighter than ever and for sure it helps not to live in a world of dreams. Do what you want to do, don't dream. dreams seldom come true for there is so much left to fate, there is so much left to destiny, there is so much left to others. Act on what you believe and remember that you are all alone in your quest, what-so-ever it might be.
Lessons learnt.
1. It is OK to be alone
2. It is a bliss to be alone
3. Only alone can you do what your heart desires the most


--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin

Trying to get a grip

A part of me seems missing, eyes search for something, soul is in turmoil......
Why I ask myself, why the gloom, why this despair, why can't I be Normal anymore. Normal the word hits me. What is normal, I don't know anymore, probably I am normal right now, I am alright right now, or am I. Don't know. It is one of those days when how so ever much I write I am unable to purge myself of thoughts. thoughts that have come to haunt me. The feeling of being a vagabond is more strong than ever. The restlessness has settled in, I feel like I am on the edge, desperately waiting for someone to push me off the cliff, so that I can fall again, for falling is only thing I know to do gracefully.
Have a splitting headache, and cannot make sense out of simple things.
Have to get out of this, have to get a grip.
Don't know how, but I really have to get a grip.......
and the worst part is that I have to do it alone :-(

I am alive

The day has been ghastly
but I have survived
the desolation desperate
like a mast-less ship
at the high seas
with the anchor lost too
just waiting for fate
to toss and turn
and throw me to a shore
but the shore seems very distant
and chances of survival bleak
but for now I am alive

Requiem for a dream

a half wept tear
a silent wail
sorrow in voice
and tremor in stride
when all turns to dust
and all is washed away
the cause is lost
and so are feelings
trivial seems love
and loath rules
when darkness is effervescent
and soul drowns deep
let me sing then
requiem for a dream

there was peace
there was hope
there was love and
there was accord
the days were beautiful
the nights were starry
the wind that blew
was cool and soothing
I could see
the moon over the hillock
i could see
the sun rise from the east
there was gloom
but it was like clouds
and you were
the wind beneath my wings
i could soar high
or so I dreamed
but all that seems distant
and I am frail
am beaten and bruised
I cannot see the horizon
and fate makes me disconsolate

I still trudge along
still seek solace
but there is no hope now
just a morbid essence
of what could have been
the dream was just a dream maybe
and as i breath my last
I want to see for once
all I desired come true
but that is not to be
but that is not to be
but that is not to be

--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin

Gettting over people

I have this almost suffocating fixation with a character, and the funniest part is that he is not even from my life. I call him a character, but he is a living human, who has blessed the mother earth with his presence for quite a reasonable time. This character haunted me, questioned me, allured me to the dark side of me, but never has he let me be in peace.
The question I ask myself is "How do I kill this son of a gun" how do I make him go away, how do I exorcise his ghost? But the answers are not forthcoming.
Well today of all days, I really am not keen about wasting my time writing about him, but he catches me unawares and asks me to write about him. All I share with this guy is one common link, one common link can be devastating enough to give you sleepless nights (well no one can do that to me, cause I sleep like a log), but he has given me everything short of that.
So here I write an Obituary, I am not sure if this is right, if I am even supposed to do that, but I have to kill this guy man.
Or do I have to kill myself :-)

So here it goes...........................

Indians are the keenest of lot when it comes to celebrating a loser.
Once in a while, there comes along a loser who is all encompassing in his celebration of being a loser. Today I celebrate the loss of one such loser. The guy who believed that he had guts to say "Balls to the world", but didn't have the balls to actually do it. Our eternal hero died a thousand deaths before the final one. Each one of his death taught him something new about himself, they taught him lessons of tolerance, how to deal with humiliation, how to accept that one is a loser, how to live life meek size, how to celebrate mediocrity, how to be all accepting, how to be objective, how to sell ones soul for cheap.
He also learnt how to treat people badly, but since he couldn't go the full way he left them with mixed feelings and some of them do sympathize with the loss.
to sum it all up, I would quote from Ghalib

Kahoon kis se main ki kya hai
Shabe gham buri bala hai
mujhe kya bura tha marna
agar ek baar hota

Finally he achieved what he most longed for, perfect oblivion, perfect solitude.




--
"Poetry is not turning lose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality but an escape from personality.
But, of course, only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things."
-T.S.Eliot

Enjoy

Something is troubling me, don't know what, I guess I am at cross-roads again. There is a strong feeling that something is going to happen, and the worst part is that it might not be all pleasant. Life still goes on though, but there are moments of deep impact, when I loose all the thoughts positive or negative and just sulk, well not sulk either, I just don't know what I do. I get caught in this whirlwind of emotions where I feel that nothing in my life is right. I feel that I am stuck with something, with everything that has its own design, I am bound by so many reasons that I don't see any reason at all.
I guess it is time to bring in some learning from LandMark. This is how my life would be, this is my "certain future" I would languish like this all my life and there is nothing that I can do about it, nothing at all. I will loath myself always, I would look down upon myself always, I will always feel that I am not man enough to take control of my life. More so the thoughts and feelings that I have will also remain the same.
So if nothing is going to change I might as well enjoy the ride, there is no point of cribbing........
Does it help, well for this to help I really have to let the thought that "nothing has changed, nothing will change, nothing can change", settle down, settle down to the depth of nothingness and then once I have whole heartedly accepted it, I rise, as if from dead and become OK with life once again.
If you cannot avoid the Rape, lie down, relax and enjoy the fuck

--
Carry on oh hopeless mortal
try to live with hope of love
connive yourself into belief
collude yourself into yielding

Na main hota to kya hota

Remembered a couplet from Ghalib

Hua jab gham se yoon behis
to gham kya sar ke katne ka
na hota gar juda tan se
to zaanon par dhara hota


na tha kuch to khuda tha
kuch na hota to khuda hota
duboya mujh ko hone ne
na main hota to kya hota

hui muddat ki ghalib mar gaya
par yaad aata hai
tera har baat par kehna
ki yoon hota to kya hota

Final Call

the promise of peace
the fable of tranquility
the desolate landscape of desert
not even a single blade of grass
no life, just cold
come oh sweetheart of mine
come oh angel of death
and kiss my lips
take away all the pain
take away all the longing
make my solitude one with thee
let my soul take thou wings
and fly over the deepest of oceans
and fly into the burning bowels

oh angel of death
burn me on the pyre
and let the incense of burning flesh
fill up all my senses
bury me in the wet earth
and let me be crushed
by the weight of the mother earth
let me rot
and be pecked by scavengers
for I want to return
to the elements from where I came
dust to dust
fire to fire


be a true love I think you to be
and give me deliverance
oh angel of death

Premonition revisited

She is sick, she says that the situation is alarming; she says that she is not recovering anymore. I tell her don't get tense, just take it easy, she says that "you are there, why should I get tense". This registers with me. But I am incapable of saying anything else. I know she is in pain, deep physical pain, at times I feel like telling her to go. I feel like telling her to depart, relinquish her soul and be one with the source she so much believes in, she is religious.
I am not sure what are her expectations of me; a life lived in sorrow, pain humiliation, at hands of in laws, at hands of her husband, at hands of her son. She probably has no one who loved her without expecting anything. I have the premonition of a death. But I want it to be pleasant, pleasant for her. She should leave without feeling that there is something incomplete left behind. But am I to sacrifice myself for her, am I to feel responsible for her, I am not sure. At least I will try to be…..

Oh woman of suffering
Oh slave of destiny
Oh shadow of sorrow
Oh goddess of hope
Forgive me for all my indiscretions
forgive me for being a son
forgive me for being myself


--
Carry on oh hopeless mortal
try to live with hope of love
connive yourself into belief
collude yourself into yielding

Meaning of the word

Solitude, what does the word mean..

1. The state or quality of being alone or remote from others.
2. A lonely or secluded place.

Synonyms: solitude, isolation, seclusion, retirement

These nouns denote the state of being alone. Solitude implies the absence of all others: "The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship" (Francis Bacon). "I love tranquil solitude" (Percy Bysshe Shelley). Isolation emphasizes total separation or detachment from others: "the isolation of Crusoe, depicted by Defoe's genius" (Winston Churchill). Seclusion suggests removal, though not necessarily complete inaccessibility; the term often connotes a withdrawal from social contact: enjoyed my walk in the seclusion of the woods. Retirement suggests a withdrawal or retreat from active life, as for serenity or privacy: "an elegant sufficiency, content,/Retirement, rural quiet, friendship, books" (James Thomson).

 

Need I say more? Perfect Solitude would mean being totally removed from the world and the people therein. It would mean no expectations, no responsibilities, just plain existence, and totally free existence. Now this is something to aspire for.

Not really, will be uttered by those who don't really understand the power this will bring in. Being able to control all your negative emotions, emotions that get in your way of living life comfortably, all these would be gone and one can live life as per his/her wishes, never ever depending on someone for solace.

This is difficult to achieve, but not impossible; this is what all the seers have achieved.

--
Carry on oh hopeless mortal
try to live with hope of love
connive yourself into belief
collude yourself into yielding

in love with the word

Why am i so in love with the word Solitude. Is it because i see it as my ultimate destiny. Because I accept, unlike some others, that solitude can be bliss too. So big a solitude that you are self sufficient in it. One would be complete in its solitude.
and when having attained it, the person walks into life, he is happy, very happy, because now he is totally removed from world. He could use people if he wanted, he could have killed if he wanted, he would have the power of being emotionless. But I guess he will choose good over evil then, and be a peaceful man, trying to make people happy.
chains of solitude is my tribute to the search of solitude


--
Carry on oh hopeless mortal
try to live with hope of love
connive yourself into belief
collude yourself into yielding

nest

Love's labor lost
A deranged nest
Twigs scattered all around
The nestlings have flown off
Some died in mid flight
Some survived the ordeal
the mother looks
at the nest in shambles
with a lonesome gaze
once there were fledglings there
her own flesh and blood
now there is just a decaying smell
that nauseating smell of loneliness

--
Carry on oh hopeless mortal
try to live with hope of love
connive yourself into belief
collude yourself into yielding

Zindagi

jis jagah ka koi naam-o-nishaan na ho
jis waqt ka koi hisaab na ho
jis lahu ka rang paani se halka ho
jis dil ka zakhm nasoor ho
jis pyar ka naam maut ho
us jagah par mera gharonda ho
us waqt ke kuch lamhe main jee loon
us lahu ko baha ke qurbaan ho jaoon
us zakhm ko main sanjo ke rakhoon
us pyar main main doob jaaon

zindagi bula raahi hai
apni hari baahein failaaye
mujhe uske aagosh main
gum ho jaana hai
uski saanso main
kho jaana hai
uski abhilashaaon ki
anubhooti karni hai
mujhe abhi jeena hai
bina mare.
jab tak main zinda hoon

--
Carry on oh hopeless mortal
try to live with hope of love
connive yourself into belief
collude yourself into yielding

I am not weak

Am I weak, no I don't think so, seriously I am not, Am I emotional, yes I am but then I can see through them too. Have been having a tough time lately, but when I look around I still feel that I am the strongest of the lot. And would always be, I should probably stop looking for stronger people, there might not be any. Each one of us has vulnerabilities, and I for one can see mine quite clearly. And have consciously decided to yield to all the temptations. If that is the case then I should be ready for loneliness, and that will happen pretty soon. Now that I think of it, I feel it would be a huge relief, for once I won't have to live up to anything, I will be free like an island. And that would be so cool. Really man I am not weak at all, just have to cross one more threshold and then I will stop feeling. I will be Ok with exploitation, with abuse, with lust, with love, with hatred, with murder, with possessiveness.
I won't have company of people who expect
I will not expect myself
I could treat people like dirt
Or I could choose otherwise
I could cherish a few relations I choose
Or I could decide to be all alone
I could go see the world
I could become highest of mountain
The deepest of sea
The rarest of air
And the whitest of cloud
And can be the serpent
Venomous and dangerous
Or the holy cow
Soft, gentle and giving
I could be the Satan
And utter satanic verses
I could be God
And create a new world
I am not weak, I proclaim
I am an animal, a predator,
On the prowl
And rest I will not
Till I taste the blood
Of all that haunts me now

Things don't seem right

I am feeling totally disconnected from whatever held me for so long, It seems that the invisible hand that was guiding me has vanished. I have the premonition of a death, and I have a wild resilience towards my own fate. And I find myself getting more and more lonely. I want seclusion right now, complete, perfect seclusion.

--
The allure of Solitude lies in it being perennial

Satanic Verses

Caught in devil's vice
I ask you for deliverance
the one who is evil
one whose vileness knows no bounds
the one that is the king of beasts
I give thee my soul
and ask for eternal bliss
cause I know what hell is
and am not afraid to languish there
take my quintessence
and make me a ghost
ghost of living me
and take away the fear
that I feel

--
The allure of Solitude lies in it being perennial

Death

A strange calm on his face
A faint recollection of past
No urge to change anything
No feeling to fight it all
No emotions whatsoever
Just an eternal calm
Knowing that nothing matters
Knowing what went wrong
Knowing that he was mean
As any other human being
Knowing that everything ceases here
But only a moment before
He couldn't really accept it
And like all mortals
Tried to evade the inescapable
Tried not to believe
That everything will come to an abrupt halt
That all his memories will cease
And he will go into a deep sleep
But this is the eternal truth
And this is what will eventually
Happen to me



--
The allure of Solitude lies in it being perennial

Wail of Humanity

Wrote these a long long time ago, was going through some papers when I chanced apon these, so thought of posting them too :-)

Life was never so full
Full of enthusiasm
And sadness at the same time
Enthusiasm for what is un-conquered
The virgin territory waiting for me
All the heights I have to rise to
And saddened I am
When I see
All the blunders committed by me
All the bloodshed, all the tears
All the hypocrisy
To name some few
And I feel no right to call
Myself Humanity
'cause my past has been
anything but humane
and standing where I am today
I strongly fee and urge to end it all
But my impulses betray me
And urge me to carry on
'cause I am supposed to be optimist
'cause tomorrow might be the day
I have been looking for
For thousands of battered years.

Mother

why would one bear

if one cannot love

how would one love

if not with zeal

One of these days sitting high on pot I started talking about my childhood. Till that fateful moment I had always looked back and thought that I had a perfect childhood, but that is not the case I guess. I probably share my childhood with a whole lot of other folks, who had a similar background as mine. A generation trying to come to terms with the world around them and they bear children without thinking what would happen to these lesser mortals.

The feeling of being in-adequate,

The feeling of being insignificant,

The feeling of something being wrong,

I grew up with all of them.

 The memory that has been disturbing me most after that pot session is the beating sessions, why would someone hit a child, a child doesn't know better, a child cannot think from an adults perspective. I remember living in encompassing fear of violence, I remember waiting for the next session to happen. And somewhere down the line it just stopped mattering anymore, I still had the fear, but that never stopped me from being what I wanted to be. The vision that overwhelms me is a 6-7 year old scared kid, who is being thrown around and beaten black and blue, with all that she could lay her hands on, belt, slippers, hands.

I can feel the slaps

As they landed hard on my face

I can feel the buckle of the belt

Leave its marks on the body

But the most vivid of the remembrance

Is of her face

Which was so full of hate,

At having borne someone

Who won't understand,

The plight that was hers

The scarlet red face

The expression of annihilating anger

The way she said

"oh dead one, why don't you just die"

The moments when I will pray for death

But would be too scared to die

The way I will console myself

"she will miss me when I am gone"

The way I feared her all through my childhood

And I did leave her, she doesn't know it maybe, maybe she craves for me, on my part I understand why she was the way she was. I even think that the violent sessions were maybe on periphery of sanity. I know she wanted me to be successful, her definition of success. I know she never tried to understand me, she didn't have to.

But the screaming and ululating kid still haunts me, the scarlet red on her face and the fear and horror, with which I waited for the next dose to be served, still haunts me.

They say Mother is the supreme giver of love, a love so pure that you can go hide in its warmth.

I never had that recluse, ever.

 -- The allure of Solitude lies in it being perennial