She is sick, she says that the situation is alarming; she says that she is not recovering anymore. I tell her don't get tense, just take it easy, she says that "you are there, why should I get tense". This registers with me. But I am incapable of saying anything else. I know she is in pain, deep physical pain, at times I feel like telling her to go. I feel like telling her to depart, relinquish her soul and be one with the source she so much believes in, she is religious.
I am not sure what are her expectations of me; a life lived in sorrow, pain humiliation, at hands of in laws, at hands of her husband, at hands of her son. She probably has no one who loved her without expecting anything. I have the premonition of a death. But I want it to be pleasant, pleasant for her. She should leave without feeling that there is something incomplete left behind. But am I to sacrifice myself for her, am I to feel responsible for her, I am not sure. At least I will try to be…..
Oh woman of suffering
Oh slave of destiny
Oh shadow of sorrow
Oh goddess of hope
Forgive me for all my indiscretions
forgive me for being a son
forgive me for being myself
--
Carry on oh hopeless mortal
try to live with hope of love
connive yourself into belief
collude yourself into yielding
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