Every once in a while each one of us is forced to question the basic fabric of humanity that we claim to wrap around us. I have been forced to question the very basic aspect of my existence. Today I was forced to see the filth in me. I was forced to turn myself inside out and ponder about the only stated goal that I had for life for as long as I remember
"To grow into a good human being"
And today I found myself way short of the yard stick, I am prejudiced, jealous, full of envy and hatred. I am manipulative, cheat, hypocrite and basically an asshole.
What do I do about it? Don't know for now. Really don't know except for that fact that I am feeling like low-life scum, cheap, slutty and essentially very small. I feel the whole notion of having "inherent goodness" inside me shattered. I feel l am devil's advocate, only I am not good enough for that too.
I have not felt so loathsome about myself in ages.
And nothing seems to set it right, nothing..................................
--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin
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