I am loving it

Hope is a very strange thing and it hits you at times when it is least expected. Gives you a perspective that you never thought of, or just pulls you towards destiny that you never really believed in. I have hope now and I have really decided to take the control of my life on my terms, completely on my terms, and there is not going to be any scope of adjustment anywhere.
I have to live life king size and I have to live it my way. and I am loving it.

desert Rose

he walked into the desert, didn't carry anything with him, just walked into blazing sun and kept on walking till his legs could carry him. When he could walk no more he dragged himself as far as he could, then he lied down with his lips parched, his limbs full of blisters, his face towards the sun, which in all its unrelenting glory was beating down upon him. He lay there till he could see the vultures hovering above him, till he could hear his own heart beat, till breathing became a cumbersome task.
then a giant sandstorm rose from the bowels of the desert and made him and his signature of life, one with eternity.

SOS

Today as i sit down and try to write something, I am not able to think of anything that would be worth a mention, I have written just to much about pain and sorrow, but it still doesn't go away, I don't know how else I can paint the depth of what I feel. But a strange thing has happened now. I have stopped feeling, or at least that is what I would like to believe. I totally lack any motivation what so ever. I think I am getting addicted to all the bad things, for no rhyme or reason. In fact I am so lost right now that I don't even feel like writing anymore

New Year

It is new year again, or as all my friends and folks would like to call it, it is "Happy New Year" again. Somehow the symbolism of new year, birthday and important festivals is lost on me. I feel exceptionally gloomy on these days. New year marks the natural death of an year gone by and people look forward to a new beginning with the coming year. But I have found this idea, laced with deceit. Nothing really changes, nothing will change. So we are still living a life that stinks, still in a city that is degrading day by day.
Probably I am sick to see all the sickness around me and not do anything about it.

Lost and found

Some souls are never lost
some souls are lost to be found
some souls are lost forever
a lost soul is calling out
with all earnestness
rescue me, please.....

On the highway to hell

Day after day I am struggling real hard to keep my sanity intact, I am unusually high strung at times other times I am awfully cold. I just don't know how to respond to people and stupid things make me cry. I am becoming a nervous wreck and the funniest part is that I can actually see myself going to the dogs.
how do I get my sanity back? Well this is a question each progressing asylum inmate would have asked, unless of course in cases where they didn't get any chance to think about it.
Am I depressed, probably I am, and no real work in office is not helping me either.....
Yesterday I got a phone call from someone I care about and ever since I am disturbed :-)

--
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
~R. D. Laing

Blank

I am blank
have been this way for some time now, first there were these bouts of blankness, then things got better and I was shrouded by gloom for more time than I would care to spend brooding. So now I was completely surrounded by gloom till gloom overtook me and made me so miserable that I gave up gloom. But a strange thing happened after giving up gloom. I turned blank. I don't find any rhyme or reason to respond to anything. I want to be left alone to fend for myself, or maybe I can do with a cook, housekeeping and an assistant, who is on my beck and call.(Will prefer if it was a female, and a buxom one at that)
And I will live life comfortably never interacting with another human again.

--
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
~R. D. Laing

Aquarius

"To you, Aquarius, I give the concept of future that man might see other possibilities. You will have the pain of loneliness, for I do not allow you to personalize My Love. But, for turning man's eyes to new possibilities, I give the gift of Freedom. That is your liberty and you may continue to serve mankind wherever he needs you." ...And Aquarius stepped back into place.

--
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
~R. D. Laing

Nightingale and the Rose

What Oscar Wilde had to say about love

http://www.online-literature.com/wilde/178/

--
The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.
~Douglas Adams

What am i waiting for

A strange desperation sets in again
nothing seems right
nothing seems worthwhile
there is something amiss
the will to live is gone
whatever I stand for seems despicable
I lack belief and I lack courage
I look for a way out
and see just the fatalist one
my limbs lack energy
my voice is distant
my eyes look tired and distraught
and my body turns to lead
i want to run
run as fast I can
to where? the answer alludes me
but the feet are not ready to carry me
they remain grounded, turned into stone
what am i seeking
what do I desire
what makes me want to rebel
how do I set things right
is there anything right
am I but wrong
how do i define wrong
how do I define life
definitions are not forthcoming
and I keep looking for divine intervention
what am I waiting for
what am I waiting for
what am I waiting for

No answers

How rash can rash be
how fast can I burn out
how do i become shooting star
how do I make people see
what they don't want to see
or do I have anything to show at all
the sun feels good
breeze refreshes me
fresh air fills me up
with hope and inspiration
but what good is it
when I don't have a clue
when I am lost
and want to remain lost
moments of clarity
and discontinous periods of gloom
I get high and fall flat
I get low and rise again
nothing makes sense
nothing seems right
still I have the will to survive
still I want to live
what for, no answer

Am I paranoid

climb up the stairs
on the stairway to heaven
but i will get down
and float on the clouds
don't wanna be
what I am not
trivial it might seem
the pain that is life
love will rule
or so i believe
cause will be lost
but i do not care
cause will be found
and we start again
someone is watching
or maybe he's not
is it paranoia
am i paranoid
if there is god
is he asleep
if there is good
why can't i see
why is there death
if life is precious
why do we live
if we have to die
what good is time
that is not mine
why am i lost
in the maze of life
get me the feathers
and i will make wings
and then we will fly
to a place with no stink
you saw me wasted
and thought i am waste
you saw me dirty
and thought I am filth
maybe I am
but how come you care
is someone watching
I bet he is there
but i am agnostic
is it paranoia
Am I paranoid

Hazaar Khwaishain Aisi

Once in a while we are compelled to come out of our reveries and take stalk of what is happening around us, most of the times it is some drastic event in our lives, or at times art does play its part. The purpose of art is not to be a keep of rich and mighty but to tell the world what it is all about(the world). It is supposed to be the mirror in which we are supposed to check how deranged we have become from the concept of Humanity.
I watched a very riveting movie "Hazar Khwashain aisi" today, and it brought back a whole lot of the feelings that I thought had been buried someplace. Stellar performances and a beautiful love story woven in times of turmoil and what each one of the character goes through, lot of pain and a lot of misery and the victory of human will against it all.
And the meaning of love re-defined.
shit man it was a big dose :-)

Fly

Standing on the edge
With my arms wide open
Feeling the cold wind
Stinging my face
With eyes closed and darkness all around
And then I felt a sudden glow
Opened my eyes and saw
Sun had risen in all it's golden glory.
Experienced the warmth of first rays
Rays of hope maybe
And then I realized
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.........
 
Jumped off the edge
And began to fly............

--
The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.
~Douglas Adams

Dhundli yaadein

Aaj phir kuch ateet ki yaadein taaza ho gayi
aaj phir kisi ne us paar se pukaar liya
aaj phir paon apne aap
us anchali rah par chal diye
aaj phir woh ankahe prashna
seene par bhaari hain
aaj fir main gham se behis
apne aap ko khoye hue
us kshitij par dhoondta hoon
jis khistij par ek sandhya
maine bhagya ka suryast dekha tha


--
The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.
~Douglas Adams

hurt revisited

Some hurts are best left alone
some questions best left unanswered
some answers best left unsaid
it pricks like a million needles
it bites like a million fangs
my body seems in adequate
my heart bleeds thick blood
my eyes weep tears of misery
but they don't drown the pain
I try to assuage the suffering
and make it worse
I run to the source of agony
and embrace it in my arms
Accept it as my defeat
and wail over the loss
and then I move on

He is an Island

In a desert all alone,
where there had been life once,
allured by the radiance of  solitude,
he trudges along,
stepping on fossils,
from times gone by.
Waiting for a mirage to happen,
to seduce his senses to insanity,
so that life becomes bearable.
But the pain doesn't go away,
and he breaks down and wails,
for someone to end the misery,
but no one listens, nobody can,
for he is an island

When will she fly

have hit a writers block I guess, am not finding any inspiration to write something about the world anymore, or maybe I am concentrated too much on my own world. I have to bring order to chaos somehow, bring sanity back to my life.

when will she fly
the fledgling that is a bird now
testing out her wings
tasting the first fruits of flight
leaving behind the nest
she thought would be her home for life
she is preparing for the flight
when will she fly

there is just so much hurt one can take
and she is reaching the threshold fast
heavens will cry once more
when she takes the final flight

It had rained that night
just as someone had predicted
it had poured wild
as a million angels cried
her faith was lost
and never again will she believe
things cannot last
dreams cannot come true
at least not hers
as she looks up and asks
with the eyes of a child
why me, why me, why me
the child is not yet lost
but will soon be

Just Believe

An innocent face
redness in eyes
wild tresses
made more wild
by the blowing wind
a pained expression
smile that is lost
laughter like a brook
lost somewhere for now
lost she looks
incapable she calls herself
torn by love
she questions herself
"to what consequence"
"Why did you happen"
"why did you barge in"

All he can feel is tenderness
all he can feel is her pain
His pain is pushed back to oblivion
he is ready to die
for the tenderness that he sees in her
for the sense of belonging she brings in
for the love of his life
for his soul mate
for she made him see the beauty
for she told him what love was
for she is the precious
he doesn't want to possess her
just wants her to believe
just wants her to gather her torn wings
and take a flight
he cannot make her
she is her own master
he cannot guide her
for she knows better
he just wants her to see in herself
what she forgot as a child
he wants her to believe
believe in herself
believe in her strength
he prays for her to believe

Man in the mirror

Looked into his eyes
had the slithering look of a snake
looked at his face
had the vileness of the devil
felt his heart beat
could hear the booming loath
heard him breath
had the fire of hell in them
he was the man in the mirror
and I got scared of him
the ugliest of all that live
the scariest of all that move
the meanest of all that breath
If only I could
turn him inside out
make a hide of his skin
hang his guts to dry
let his flesh rot
let his eyes by gouged
let his heart fry
and keep him alive
to bear all this agony
would he have paid
the penance in part

How much loath can I handle

Every once in a while each one of us is forced to question the basic fabric of humanity that we claim to wrap around us. I have been forced to question the very basic aspect of my existence. Today I was forced to see the filth in me. I was forced to turn myself inside out and ponder about the only stated goal that I had for life for as long as I remember
"To grow into a good human being"
And today I found myself way short of the yard stick, I am prejudiced, jealous, full of envy and hatred. I am manipulative, cheat, hypocrite and basically an asshole.
What do I do about it? Don't know for now. Really don't know except for that fact that I am feeling like low-life scum, cheap, slutty and essentially very small. I feel the whole notion of having "inherent goodness" inside me shattered. I feel l am devil's advocate, only I am not good enough for that too.
I have not felt so loathsome about myself in ages.
And nothing seems to set it right, nothing..................................

--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin

Voyage

Have been low since yesterday, but then feeling low is relative, there are a few things that are finally dawning on me, there are a few things that I cannot push to the back burner anymore, I have to know and only then can I decide what course my life will take. Cannot have anyone decide that for me and I have to decide things considering my own limitations.

I have limitation of being Emotionally unstable and each and every time I try to overcome it, it just pushes me back to a more deep caveran. Lets see if I am triumphant this time or not :-)

 

Delhi has been OK, the audacity of the whole thing is that I am no longer interested in Delhi as a city. Another change that has come on me.

 

anyway whatever nevermind

Delhi

Am in Delhi, the city of hearts, I practically grew up in Delhi and have a special feeling for the same. I used to say

"Delhi hai dil waalon ki, albelon ki mastaano ki"

I don't know what I would be doing here for next so many days, but if I can have my way I would like to see all the places I knew as a kid, when I was growing up, the destinations include the house of my first GF (the place of pilgrimage I guess :-) ) and my school apart form the neighborhood I lived in. then i would like to visit all the monuments that I had visited as a kid, but a lot depends on my friend Smarth. He is not too keen on all this stuff I guess :-(

Probably I will let him go to office and take his Thunderbird and go grazing in Delhi :-)

--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin

Zindagi

Tanhaion ko dhoondna ek bahana hai
inmein kho jaana bas ek khwaish hai
kaun hona chahta hai asiir-e-khalwat
yeh koi shauk to nahin farmaane ke liye

chahta hoon koi dhoond le mujhko
palkon pe muza' iyan kare
mere har naaz ki parwah kare
mujhe kabhi koi zakhm na de

lekin shayad yeh mumkin nahin
lekin shayad yeh mumkni nahin

is hi wiiraane main dam tod doonga ek din
yahi maayusi mera sabab hai
yahi aawaragi meri zindagi

Chuppi

aankhein sab dekhti hain
dil sab samajhta hai
unko pata hai, humko pata hai
lekin hakikat koi bayaan nahin karta

jhulas rahe hain is aag main dono
zaban pe kuch aur dil main kuch
dhadkano main kuch
saanson main kuch
phir bhi chup hain hum tum
jhoot bhi chup
sach bhi chup
lab bhi chup
aankh bhi chup
sparsh bhi chup
muskaan bhi chup
intezaar bhi chup
khamoshi bhi chup
dhadkanein bhi chup
saansein bhi chup
gham bhi chup
khushi bhi chup

What has become of me

what has become of me
in this land of nonsense
where I trivialize myself
for the notion called love

why do I expect
what is not to be
why do I desire
what is not mine
why do I seek
what I call solace
why do I live
in a fools paradise
why do I get hurt
by frivolous gestures
why do I feel the pain
over lost causes

what has become of me
in this land of nonsense
where I hawk myself
for the fickleness of love

main aur meri tanhaai :-)

Went to railway station today after a loooooooooooong time. Or was it really long, well i don't care about that, for once I was going to see off someone. And this time the experience was different, I did not relive all the farewells I have said in life, It was OK to let go, probably because I have already let go of the person in question. But more importantly I got the feeling that life still goes on. It is one thing to say it, another to really feel it.
Tomorrow will be another day, and things that hold good today won't matter maybe. things that cling on and claw at heart won't be so bad. With passing time things tend to settle down.
Getting a grip, maybe I am
but is it worth anything, well time will surely tell.
but the Horizon looks brighter than ever and for sure it helps not to live in a world of dreams. Do what you want to do, don't dream. dreams seldom come true for there is so much left to fate, there is so much left to destiny, there is so much left to others. Act on what you believe and remember that you are all alone in your quest, what-so-ever it might be.
Lessons learnt.
1. It is OK to be alone
2. It is a bliss to be alone
3. Only alone can you do what your heart desires the most


--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin

Trying to get a grip

A part of me seems missing, eyes search for something, soul is in turmoil......
Why I ask myself, why the gloom, why this despair, why can't I be Normal anymore. Normal the word hits me. What is normal, I don't know anymore, probably I am normal right now, I am alright right now, or am I. Don't know. It is one of those days when how so ever much I write I am unable to purge myself of thoughts. thoughts that have come to haunt me. The feeling of being a vagabond is more strong than ever. The restlessness has settled in, I feel like I am on the edge, desperately waiting for someone to push me off the cliff, so that I can fall again, for falling is only thing I know to do gracefully.
Have a splitting headache, and cannot make sense out of simple things.
Have to get out of this, have to get a grip.
Don't know how, but I really have to get a grip.......
and the worst part is that I have to do it alone :-(

I am alive

The day has been ghastly
but I have survived
the desolation desperate
like a mast-less ship
at the high seas
with the anchor lost too
just waiting for fate
to toss and turn
and throw me to a shore
but the shore seems very distant
and chances of survival bleak
but for now I am alive

Requiem for a dream

a half wept tear
a silent wail
sorrow in voice
and tremor in stride
when all turns to dust
and all is washed away
the cause is lost
and so are feelings
trivial seems love
and loath rules
when darkness is effervescent
and soul drowns deep
let me sing then
requiem for a dream

there was peace
there was hope
there was love and
there was accord
the days were beautiful
the nights were starry
the wind that blew
was cool and soothing
I could see
the moon over the hillock
i could see
the sun rise from the east
there was gloom
but it was like clouds
and you were
the wind beneath my wings
i could soar high
or so I dreamed
but all that seems distant
and I am frail
am beaten and bruised
I cannot see the horizon
and fate makes me disconsolate

I still trudge along
still seek solace
but there is no hope now
just a morbid essence
of what could have been
the dream was just a dream maybe
and as i breath my last
I want to see for once
all I desired come true
but that is not to be
but that is not to be
but that is not to be

--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin