Broken Flowers

Just finished watching "Broken Flowers". It was good, a dark comedy and sad but light take at the life of a ageing bachelor, who has some reputation of being Don Juan. All of a sudden he gets a letter in Pink, from an ex-flame, saying that he is father of a 19 year old guy, who is out on a crazy road trip trying to find him. We never know who sent the letter, he never finds the son. But that is not the point of the movie.
The things to watch out for, stellar performance from Bill Murray, A short appearance from Sharon Stone (I cannot not mention her, am her big fan, after all which other star is a MENSA member and can discuss Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, on TV, wearing a see through shirt :-) ). The conflict going on in Don's (Bill Murray), how he hopes that he will find his son, how he disbelieves the letter as a prank, but something inside him wants him to believe that he belongs, something inside him desperately wants to change the situation he is in. His fear of commitment, but still his quest to find the ultimate commitment.
Don's Interaction with all his past girlfriends and what it does to them and to him, the uncomfortable silence, the uncomfortable ambiance, the feeling of not belonging to anyone from his past. The realization that past is really just past and nothing more, and yet the compulsive optimism, in fact wishful optimism of finding a future in past.
What this movie really symbolizes is what we all go through in life, chasing the demons of past, hoping for forgiveness and a calm to descend onto us, so that we can live our lives without any grudges. It also symbolizes the unrelenting hope, hope that life will turn out better, better than what it has been so far :-)

I think I am making no sense anymore.
So off I go to the land of nod.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

I am not disturbed

I am supposed to be sick, but I am in office, I am supposed to be working then, but I am goofing away my time, reading a whole lot of stuff that folks have written. And trust me some of them are good, really good :-)

I don't always brood
I don't always weep
I laugh at times
I live too
I don't worship sadness
there is happiness too
always round the corner
hiding like a wicked child
to spring out and scare
and put you off balance
at moments least expected

I don't hate
love is all I know
but then love hurts too
and I paint the place
with the love I have
and the hurt I feel
I really am not disturbed
it is the world around me
and I am just trying to take
each day as it comes

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

A promise made

I just got a call from nana. It was great talking to him. My oldest memories of affection are for him and nani. Somehow Dehradun and nani's place was a safe heaven of my childhood. I didnot like it at my paternal grandparents house. I guess it was because I had to fight too often with my aunts and uncle, I had to fight to get my point through, they would not treat me like a kid, but will fight with me and boss me around. none of this crap happened at Nani's place.
they are very old now and nana wants me to visit them once. I have promised to go down to Dehradun before April. I owe them this.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

When love hurts

Today morning I was going through an article in TOI Bangalore Times, (now a days that is the only thing i read, when news becomes gossip, then it is best to read what gossip coloumn has to offer). there was this article "When love actually hurts" a few excrepts from the same.

Mental or emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, though it is often harder to recognise, and therefore to recover from. Emotional abuse causes long term self-esteem issues and profound emotional repercussions for the partners of abusers. Abuse typically alternates with declarations of love and statements that they will change, providing a "hook" to keep the partner in the relationship. The process of 'enslavement'
• The perpetrator feels the need to humiliate, disempower, isolate and gain control over as much of their partner's life as possible
• Slowly, they start to gain control over them financially (for example, not wanting her to work), what they wear, weigh, look like, where they go and who they associate with
• They try to disconnect their partner from any social, religious or family relationships
• They're jealous of their partner's past relationships and try to make her destroy anything that reminds her of the past
• The more they can isolate their partner, the more control they'll have over them
• The abuser needs to become the most important and most powerful thing in his victim's life. They need their affirmation and demand respect, gratitude and love. Over time, they become unpredictable and erratic in their behaviour towards their partner
• Their jealousy makes them becomes violent and angry. Afterwards they feel guilty and upset, and worry that they've lost control over their partner.

It was pretty insightful, do I have the traits of a perpetrator. I guess so, so the only way I can except a relationship is if I have the upper hand ? I am not too sure about that though.
I fight against the enslavement instinct at all times. I am very sure about this.
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

back to office tomorrow - Hopefully

I will be resuming office from tomorrow. Last few days have been the most taxing on me health wise in a long long time. I have been on and off grappling with fever. I never thought that I could fall sick this way. In fact I have never been sick this way, but now I know for sure how to get a fever, just say no to pain killers for some time and lo-behold the fever comes rushing in.
Today I am feeling very very weak; but I guess another day of rest is not going to do me any good. I think I just have to stop thinking too much and bring discipline in my life. Could this sickness be because of mental stress, it might be, there is no denying that. So what do I do? Well for one I can start living for the day.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Bleeding Pen

Whatever had to be said
has been said
whatever had to be brought out
has been brought out
it had hoped for a revolution
it had orchestrated a few in past
thought this time around too
pen will be mightier than sword
but the pen is bleeding
and no one cares to look
no one cares to read

there were times when people were ready to sacrifice their lives, for a cause they believed in. Those times seems like a thing of past, only cause our generation seems to have is "get rich and comfortable, any which way". If it means trampling people, so be it. If it means leaving the nation and everybody that comprises the nation, so be it. But I cannot go on lashing out on us forever. I think the problem is that the stink is so strong, that no one among us has any idea wher to start. And again, we want results, any which way, without the will to sacrifice the comfort of our living rooms.
It is high time that we woke up to abother revolution. Revolution doesn't necessary has to have bloodshed, this time around we can have a revolution of peace, of greater consciousness. 

Don't seem to heal

It has been a week now and I show no sign of healing :-( right now I just popped some painkillers and a paracetamol (don't know if I have spelled it correctly). am running 102 F temperature. I am not sure why I get this fever. But it follows the body ache, and the ache is so bad that I am unable to move without moaning.
The doc says that I might have some allergy to the Bangalore dust and weather. I am not sure though. I plan to take control, probably by starting to go for walks as a first measure.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

An Ode to the setting sun

Why does the sun set ?
asked he of me
to rise again
to rest for the night
to let evrybody rest
to let the night in
to let the earth cool off
to die a momentary death
to signify the circle of life

I was with a friend yesterday and we were watching the sun set and she reminded me of this dialog from QSQT "Dhalte suraj ke saath photo nahin kheenhte" :-)
It was sort of cute 

Shantaram

Have started reading another big book :-)
This one is called Shantaram
Read the review http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/reviews/2004-11-17-shantaram_x.htm

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Addiction

Finished reading "A Million Little Pieces" yesterday. It is a memoir by James Frey on his fight against addiction. A Good book to read, I could associate myself with James. We are all addicted to something or other. All of us are addicts. What we are addicted to may be different.
Habits taken to extreme are addiction, though they might not be harmful, but they are phsycologically as alarming and as bad as drug addiction, yes I will be killing myself with drugs, but with other seemingly non harming addictions, I am essentially killing the free mind.
tea, coffee, love, sex, weakness of mind and body, food, books, music, movies, just about anything that we might take to obsession.
Biggest addiction of all times is religion and god. It is used as an alibi to deal with all other addictions. "If I trust in God, I will never do bad things, because some one is watching me, so I will be nice and try to please him" the sense of guilt kills all addicts, the fall from grace, the loss of self respect, the loss of standing in front of loved ones.
why are few addictions taboo and others all right.
If a fellow is addicted to sex and goes whoring around, he would be treated as a big misfit, not fit enough for the society
whereas addiction to food is alright is some ways, Obsessive need of parents to control and shape the future of kids is perfectly OK.
Doing drugs is bad, but becoming a zealot for religion is OK as long as we are not violent.

Cummon man I don't see this working, I really don't see this working. how can one form of addiction be better than another, It is all the same.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Am Sick

I am sick :-( have been down with fever for 2 days now, went to the doc and they decided to stick some needles into me. Have another appointment on Wednesday, till then I have been advised to rest and take it easy. In a way it is good, in a way it is bad, I mean that not going o office is good, but then sitting at home when one is sick is not exactly my idea of celebrating the times :-)
Will catch up a couple of movies tomorrow, and I plan to read big time. Have started reading a "Million little Pieces" it seems to be a nice book.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Roll of dice

The questions have cropped up again,
the roll of dice eminent again
what has been lost,
when nothing was gained
why the pain
when there is no conviction
why the hurt
when there is no faith



--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Let me live

Let me live
for I have a life
let me get a life
for I have discovered
what zest for living is
let me climb the mountains
let me swim the oceans
let me walk across deserts
for all can be claimed
for all can be tamed
let me live to inspire
let me live for love
let me live to live

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Ways of love struck heart

The dice were loaded right from the start
what would they roll was destiny's game
would it be love or would they roll out hate
would they lead to bliss or bitterness was the fate
strange are the chances
and the people who play them up
strange are the ways of a love struck heart

you looked into his eyes and felt wanted
he looked into yours and felt he belonged
you both vowed to keep it beautiful
you both said each one is for keeps
you both played for it to last
connived, colluded for it to last
but strange are the ways the dice rolls
and people who go by it
strange are the ways of a love struck heart

you promised her the promised land
you promised her thick and thin
she held on to your words
like the life depends on them
she asked you to come good of them
but the times were not right
strange are the ways time passes
and people who let it pass
strange are the ways of a love struck heart

you promised him yourself
you promised him a sanctuary
close to your heart
you forgot they are still chains
even though of gold
you forgot what love is
and got lost in battle to tame
strange are the ways of wild beast
and people who try to tame
strange are the ways of a love struck heart

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Rang de Basanti

Beautiful, grand, awesome and yet so life like.
A well made movie, a rich belnd of past and present and a hope for future. Oneliners that I won't forget for a long time to come. be it DJ saying "we have one feet in past and like to keep one in future, so cannot help but take a leak on present" or Sukhi and his take it easy attitude, with a strong urge to live and make it big hidden beneath it. Be it brooding Karan with a succesful dad syndrome or intense Aslam trying to define his own existence out of the conventional norm. Be it hardliner Laxman and his take on Hindutva, pseudo nationalism and his scuffles with Aslam. be it Sue with the passion and optimism to see history in present or be it Sonia with love for life. Each character is well developed and real life. You will know all of them in flesh and blood, you will identify with some of them.
Normal lost generation, generation that has taken things for granted, generation that thinks about itself, a generation waiting to be awakened.
Something will have to be done, something that will shake up everyone, a beginning has to be made, youth has to be mobilized, If we give up on our country our culture our history, we will give up on our identity. Something will have to be done to preserve the democracy, to let the sanity prevail.
A must watch for any one with seething desire to make a difference, Question yourself, introspect, we are as much a part of problem, understand that and start doing things the right way. and once we have enough of us doing it the right way, the problem will get solved :-)

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

The eternal truth

bad shape is relative to good shape
confusions happen because we are weak
illusions occur because we don't want to believe
  15:45

me says
hope depresses because we don't trust
nothing helps, because we don't want to be helped
  15:46

me says
nothing lasts because that is the only truth
we are unhappy because we want to live in fallacy
make believe helps, but just in short run
expectations hurt for they are evil
evil rules for goodness is difficult
indulgence leads to gratification, but then nothing lasts
so nothing matters
and nothing should matter
  15:48
so lets fold our wings and go to sleep because nothing matters
why dream, why wish, why want anything
me says 15:49
yes, that is what death signifies, that is what Nirvana means
and when we accept the fact, we become free
 
why give, why take, why ask, why talk, why look, why feel
me says
but it happens after a lifetime of toil
 
what do you do in the interim
me says 15:50
true, all these are again fallacies that we indulge in for gratification
just carry on, oh hopeless mortal
 

me says
or take things in your own hand and let go
let go of life and all that you think is precious
because it won't last
  15:51
there is nothing precious, that too is a fallacy a make believe
me says
yes very true
 
a desire a want a notion
just a notion
me says
there is nothing precious, we just believe something to be precious
we want to be significant, while in truth we are utterly insignificant
and to try and find significance in the insignificance is the make believe battle we fight
  15:53
and with it a whole lot of other battles
all of equal or inequal significance or insignificance
me says 15:54
no this is the only battle, every thing falls under its domain
search for love, search for success, fight against loneliness
 
yes corollaries of the first one
me says 15:55
fight against poverty, corruption, fight for life
all these are fights to re-inforce significance of life
 
yes
me says
fight to explain origin
fight to find purpose of life
 
to believe that we are alive and kicking
to tell ourselves we are not dead as yet
to cook, to eat, to bathe, to breathe
me says 15:56
we are alive and kicking, but it is insignificant
it doesn't matter
 
to celebrate to mourn, to weep
me says
we cook, eat, bath to make the insignificance easy
to live life, so that we don't suffer anymore than we are supposed to
to celebrate, to mourn and to weep is fallacy
we should celebrate at death and weep at a birth
mourn the birth for another battle has begun
celebrate the death, for there is peace at last
  15:58
I wonder if that is eternal peace though
shit a thought crossed my mind
me says
eternal peace is achievable, but difficult
 
will talk about it later
me says
that is the only truth one shall seek
what was the thought ?
  15:59
just end it all, now
i dont see much point to all this in any case
me says
have been wanting to do it for quite sometime now
true there is no point what so ever
only point is if we were to search for the only truth
one that will set the karmic cycle free
the truth that will make us finally rest in eternal peace
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Management Issue

How unfair can people get, how can they sit down and decide the fate of someone just based on perceptions they have, probably they don't know what is required for a balanced team. I will never ever have a team of geeks working for me, the team has to have people with well rounded personalities and then the manager has to groom all of them like a family. Money is just not a good enough motivator, what motivates people is you showing confidence in them and encouraging them. Believing in them and grooming them, respecting them and all their notions and convictions and still try not to change them into cynics.
Big organizations churn out cynics like crazy, the team dynamics is based on lobbying, prejudices and at times you have incompetent non-leaders sitting in leadership position, trying to work their hand at middle management.
Clueless middle management is a sure shot death of a company culture, and I can smell the rot here, Infact it has been rotting too long now. The stench is unbearable now.
I am absolutely sure the Managers here don't know strength, weaknesses and interests of folks working in the team, they are busy trying to look good in whatever they do, and most of the times looking for scapegoats.
A manager trying to delegate all he can to people under him, on the excuse that they will learn, he doesn't have visibility into what is happening and will ask sticky questions at the end, so that you can be blamed, whereas if he had shown that interest in the beginning the whole thing would have been different.



--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Politics

Was reading the newspaper yesterday and there was this article about 5 IITians starting a political party. And all of a sudden I felt that I shoudl be doing somethign about the patriot in me too :-)
hee hee hee
another unstable thought from an Aquarian mind

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Growing up

As far back as I can remember, I was never treated as a normal Indian, I was not raised up to be an Indian. The coarse rustic is just not a part of me. I was taught to be politically correct, sensitive to all, and polite. I was never taught how to abuse, or how to take abuse as a part of language. I learnt that in college though. I was never exposed to the complexity of the culture, I was never exposed to the notions and conviction of people. I lived in a rosy world, that was protected and secluded and I was provided nurturing in a fake environment. Environment where people feared God, environment where there were no scandals, where nothing bad was ever discussed, so much so that I was not even aware of scandals and shame some of my close relatives had brought on to their families. So in short I lived in a make believe world.
and this world came shattering down the day I stepped into real India. all my childhood was spent reading books about distant English children and the way they had tea parties and the way they could go cycling in country side, but this could never happen in India, because no one will let me do it. We played and interacted with other children of the same phony middle class culture, which is too high on morals and tries to kill all the ambition that you might nurture inside you, before you even hit college. Conformance was the word in that social setup. Never question, always confirm.
But the India that I live in, is very different, the culture that I see now, has hues and shades of grey that I never knew existed. The history is strewn with examples after examples of individuals making it big, just on the sheer belief in their dreams. Love is not cheap but is celebrated, it is not a wayward thing to fall in love, but it is the truth of many beautiful stories.
So why were we brought up in a fallacy?

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Waiting for spring

Want to blossom like a flower
but the winter is too severe
want the snow to thaw
but the sun is too weak
want to fly spreading my wings
but the blood is frozen
what to sing aloud
but for the shiver
when will this winter get over
when will it be spring
when will it be spring

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Seinfeld

Yesterday evening was spent watching Seinfeld with a friend, I watched three back to back episodes, and trust me I cannot have enough of this sitcom about nothing.
am planning to get the whole collection and watch it over one sitting.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Let me be

At times silly things can really take your peace of mind and make you feel awful, Things as simple as simple questions that I don't want to answer, because I don't feel like answering, and when Ia m asked the questions again and again, I get irritated, I get violently sick with this invasion of my space and then I lash out. And when I lash out I become a rebel without a cause.
Shit man I am always a rebel without a cause.
but I am not complaining, I have to live life, just on my terms, not on anyone else's, no one else.
and I will live it till I can.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Bored to death

Am finding it very hard to concentrate, Just got back from visiting the venue for the Alumni meet that is supposed to be on 22nd on this month. All of a sudden I see a reason in the Alumni thing after a long long time, think I will be writing off my saturday, Sunday and Friday evening completely to the Alumni meet. That is the least I can do for the seeds that I had sown some 2 years back. Last time I along with Venky were responsible for arranging the meet, we took initiative and finally got a whole lot of folks together.
This time it is Anil, Ramesh and Himanshu who have done all the work, and it feels really good to know what all they have achieved.
Am waiting for the Advertisment in Friday paper declaring the Alumni meet :-)
but right now sitting at my seat, I am unable to concentrate on the job at hand, It is really boring


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Taking Control

It seems I am at point of no return, have to concentrate my energies into being what I want to be, instead of getting caught up in the question "What have I been upto" I have to stop pondering over life for once and take control henceforth.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Times were not right

Times were not right, that is what his mom used to say. He grew up in an underprivileged neighbourhood, he would often complain about life and still carry on. his mom would always sit him down and narrate to him a story, her story, when the times were not right, but she still braved all and raised him up, the times were not right, because there was no money, there was no hope, there was no food. And she struggled, struggled against the very fate, learnt the lesson of life in a bitter way, but learnt it alright. times were not right.
He would look back and figure out that it couldn't get any worse, and hence stop cribbing till the next crib session.
and so they saw themselves through the times that were not right.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Take Care

Hi ,
I don't know how you will feel but had to tell you this. I was just sitting and thinking about something when it dawned on me that i would have seemed very insensitive to you, when you were feeling that you might loose your job. but the reason I was not bothered about that was the fact that I knew that no one will ever fire an employee like you. I believed in it, totally completely. never even once doubted it. you are a very good person and more than that you are a smart person, you will never ever fail in whatever endeavour you pick up, with your complete heart in it.
take care
luv


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

I am loving it

Hope is a very strange thing and it hits you at times when it is least expected. Gives you a perspective that you never thought of, or just pulls you towards destiny that you never really believed in. I have hope now and I have really decided to take the control of my life on my terms, completely on my terms, and there is not going to be any scope of adjustment anywhere.
I have to live life king size and I have to live it my way. and I am loving it.

desert Rose

he walked into the desert, didn't carry anything with him, just walked into blazing sun and kept on walking till his legs could carry him. When he could walk no more he dragged himself as far as he could, then he lied down with his lips parched, his limbs full of blisters, his face towards the sun, which in all its unrelenting glory was beating down upon him. He lay there till he could see the vultures hovering above him, till he could hear his own heart beat, till breathing became a cumbersome task.
then a giant sandstorm rose from the bowels of the desert and made him and his signature of life, one with eternity.

SOS

Today as i sit down and try to write something, I am not able to think of anything that would be worth a mention, I have written just to much about pain and sorrow, but it still doesn't go away, I don't know how else I can paint the depth of what I feel. But a strange thing has happened now. I have stopped feeling, or at least that is what I would like to believe. I totally lack any motivation what so ever. I think I am getting addicted to all the bad things, for no rhyme or reason. In fact I am so lost right now that I don't even feel like writing anymore

New Year

It is new year again, or as all my friends and folks would like to call it, it is "Happy New Year" again. Somehow the symbolism of new year, birthday and important festivals is lost on me. I feel exceptionally gloomy on these days. New year marks the natural death of an year gone by and people look forward to a new beginning with the coming year. But I have found this idea, laced with deceit. Nothing really changes, nothing will change. So we are still living a life that stinks, still in a city that is degrading day by day.
Probably I am sick to see all the sickness around me and not do anything about it.