Eerie Silence

There is a eerie silence before the storm, then the gods of wrath descend and tear apart the fabric of life, continuity, saneness, that binds us together.
and then there is eerie silence once more

It feels that the storm has not abated still
the winds can start blowing any time now
trees will be uprooted and houses torn apart
Inhabitants will become vagabonds again
heavens will open up and cry floods
lightning will strike the place we hide

Eerie silence has descended on me
the void inside me is very quiet now
waiting for the next onslaught of emotions
waiting for the fury to be unleashed
can i drown in this slush of my own making
can i sleep for sometime before I burn



--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Sometimes life seems absolutely unbearable, other times it just sucks.... :-)
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Wake up

Wake up oh sleeping giant
wake up and steer your destiny
I know slumber is comforting
don't be beholden by land of nod though
eons have passed
all memories are distant smudges
on the windshield of time
all those who were with you
all those whom you loved
all those who were your world
all of them have moved on
everyone belongs
some in palaces
some in places far away
what do you crave for still
what do you wait for still
no one is waiting
stop searching for things in past
they are buried and lost
will never happen to you again
make the present pleasent
and future will be happy
don't turn into the bitter man
you are turning into
don't be sad
people will accompany you
they will adore you too
show them the way you are going
and start moving towards that horizon
Horizon of the promises
horizon beyond which
dreams come true
everything you touch turns to gold
everything you believe becomes real
yes the people won't be same
but dreams will be
someone else will walk alongside you
but you will walk too

wake up and get going
wake up for you are late
wake up for you are alone.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Jhoote vachan sab saari baatein

"I will be the father figure for your child" <when I have time ofcourse>
"I don't believe in marriage" <but I am married ofcourse>
"I will always be there for you" <though with someone else, or maybe on a different continent>
"you can call me anytime, you want to talk" <though in slices of 15 minutes>
"I will marry you" < I will induct you in the harem>
"There will always be a room for you where I live" < though you might not feel like dropping in, for where I live>
"I will never sleep with anyone except for you" <though I might go to 1st 2nd base> <once you are done, who needs to sleep with the person anyway>
"you are the most important person in my life" < Except for my wife and some ex flames of course>
"My choices are clear" <But I have to go ask for permissions from people in my past>
"I am confused" < You are no longer the single most important thing in my life>
"I am sorry that I happened to you" <I am sorry that you happened to me>
"Life is beautiful still" <I miss you, but don't care enough to let you know>
"Please forgive if I move on" <I am desperate for your attention>
"I will have to root out a few people from my life" <But I will always be available and accesible to them>
"I cannot hurt her anymore" <She will see the better of it, and I don't trust you>

"I love you"  <With a whole lot of "if then else" clauses>


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Despondent

Have you ever felt lost
lost beyond hope
beyond comprehension
beyond care
when you don't want to be found
when hope becomes blasphemy
and something tells you
"this is how it will be, always"

Have you ever been in company
yet lonely
lonely as the oasis in desert
brimming with life
yet so out of place in desert
lonely like an island
lonely like a sheer cliff
you talk, you laugh
but all is an aberration
your mind wanders
setting its own course
through the myriad of memories
not contemplating though
just reliving the agony
again and again

have you ever been with nature
yet incomplete
when nothing seems to fill the void
nothing carries the allure anymore
with mind in state of exasperation
unknown anger brewing inside you
and the wish to smoulder
everything in line of sight
and the erudition
that there is no deliverance
no escaping the wrath
an acquiescence of doom

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

 

 

Saudade

A Portuguese word for a feeling of longing for something that one is fond of, which is gone, but might return in a distant future. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Lost in translation

What is lost, what did we gain
what was possible then
what makes it impossible now
answers lost in translation
questions re-phrased
to mean different things
feelings are still the same
thoughts wander off though
I saw a vision
and chased it
couldn't describe it maybe
but there were no contradictions
there still are none

Anything is "can do",
and will always be for me..........
maybe i missed "won't do"
or maybe I did not
you never saw it maybe

I won't grieve anymore
have grieved enough for a life time
have not made compromises
for i don't barter
I know how to give
but am a fool when it comes to ask

will give up everything
before it can be snatched away
all have stolen enough
and continue they will
don't want the hurt that follows
so give up I will.........

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Innocence

A long time lived in agony
thinking, pondering, decimating self
being overly critical
holding self responsible
for ruining lives
not wanting to be drawn
in to the brawl
all over again
and it takes just one simple word
to melt all that away
and feel tender once again

each time I let the bitterness win
the whole world conspires
to keep the innocence alive

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Laakad

Was listening to this song from Omkara, penned down by Gulzaar, and it leaves no doubts why he is the best........
wish I could write like this

Laakad jal ke koyla hoye jaaye
koyla ho jaaye khaak
jiya jale to kuch na hoye re
na dhuaan na raakh
jiya na jalaiyo re
jiya na jalaiyo re
jiya na lagaiyo re

Baraf pighal ke paani hoye jaaye re
badal ban ud jaaye
peed jiya main aisi baithi re baithi
aisi baithi re baithi
na pighle na jaayere
nadi kinaare behte sahare
naav na lagaiyo re
na lagaiyo re
jiya na lagaiyo re
jiya na jalaiyo re

jhoote vachan saari baatein
jhoote vachan sab saari baatein
rut bharkha ka paani
garaj baras sab beh jaave re
jee ne jitni maani
sawan se ye na bhujne ki
jaan na jalaiyo re
jiya na jalaiyo re
jiya na jalaiyo re

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Resurrection

some moments overwhelm so much,
that it is difficult to breath,
one such moment,
when i held my breath
for, i don't know how long,
It seemed I had passed away
had left the mortal me behind
there was nothing I wanted
nothing that I longed for
I was complete, a whole

when i am tired
and lie next to you
let my head rest
on your shoulders
and let me go
to the land of nod
where everything is magical
where everything is warm
let me rise again from slumber
and see me smile
a content smile
let me be complete, a whole

when I have lost everything
when I have lost my soul
take me into your arms then
and let me sob
let me wash away all the hurt
let me wail and let me mourn
and when I am spent
see the calm on my face
a content calm
let me have that calm
let me be complete, a whole

when i turn to ashes
take the urn
to the top of a cliff
and let me fall
let me mingle with the air
let me mix with water
let me be lost in elements
let the nature resurrect me
I would be content once again
I would be complete, a whole

Death

All things that have a beginning have an end too, then why is it that we cannot accept the end? We question it like crazy, we want to stop it from ending, we want to run back into time and salvage whatever is left of it. But we forget that it has to end. That is what life is all about.
Everything has to end one day or other.
Still we weep
still we mourn

Death is supposed to be mourned
and mourn I will................

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

gloom

dark clouds of gloom

descend on me once again

am not able to see far or near

the darkness engulfes me

and takes me on a wild ride

ride where I meet all my emotions

all my insecurities

ride where I live through my life once again

some moments that hurt

some moments that are still raw

and I am totally lost

in the eddy of time

where present seems like past

past seems like future

and there is no trace of hope

 

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Life or something like that

Some times we just stand as life passes us by. We fail to comprehend what is happening, we fail to react to the prompts thrown up by fate to shape up the script of your lives. We just stand rooted to ground, wondering why things are not going the way we would expect them to.
Some of us just can't stop being mute witness to the play of fate, (that is what they call it) for a complete lifetime.
Not able to decide what needs to be done
Not able to make out wrong from right
Not able to define the morality
Not able to define their life

Sometime I got a mail with the punch line "After all life is all about the choices we make". It couldn't have been better said. We, I repeat we have the onus of making the choice.
It is "I" who decides what happens in my life, no one else can decide that.
If I let someone else decide what happens in my life, then
I am weak,
I need crutches all the time,
I don't believe in myself.......

There is no other way of saying it.
As long as one will try to find happiness in others, happiness will allude one.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Mat ro

kis kis baat par royega
kis kis ko royega
yoon hi apne aap se bhaagta rahega
yoon hi apne se baatein karega
kaun tha jo tere saath aaya tha
kaun hai jo tere saath jayega
kyon yaad karta hai beete hue pal
kyon hain teri aankehin ateet se nam
mat ro un sab par jo chale gaye
mat ro un sab par jo jaane waale hain

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

we all want to be in one

Illusions and how we chase them
like mirage gives one the hope
often an false one though
but one who is lost
will chase them still
for that is all he has
that is what remains sane
in the insanity that surrounds him
It is alright to chase illusions
and become one with them maybe
for all is insignificant
for all will be lost anyway

like the phantom
leading one to jump off the cliff
like the oblivion
promised by the dope
like the life
given to you in womb
like the love
showered on you by beloved
like the integrity
that makes one sacrifice
like the guilt
that kills from within
everything is but illusion
and yet we like to be in one
no, we all want to be in one

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

A million little pieces

Why do I do the things I do,
and why do I feel bad after doing them,
It is as if I have a constant desire to desecrate
all that i thought sacred once
want to be a man with no land
no religion, no identity
a man without sacred earth
a man not in search of sacred earth
each unsaid rule i break
each expectation I breach
each score that I even
leaves me feeling shattered
into a million little pieces
and yet I manage to rise up again
only to fall again

I wish I could be
a million little pieces
spread all over
someones sacred earth


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Superstition

Bad dreams, omens, read correctly, interpreted wrongly...
Is this what my life has become now, waiting for things to go wrong, one after another?
Why am I becoming overtly superstitious, is it because a whole lot has already gone bad ??
but then all these are consequences of my own actions and I think I take responsibility for my actions, or do I ??
doubts cloud my judgement, like the mist in the dream, emotions cloud my reason, like the massive waves in the dream.
I think I should not think about this at all.
I think I should just be.......

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Regret

re·gretter n.

    Synonyms: regret, sorrow, grief, anguish, woe, heartache, heartbreak
    These nouns denote mental distress. Regret has the broadest range, from mere disappointment to a painful sense of dissatisfaction or self-reproach, as over something lost or done: She looked back with regret on the pain she had caused her family. Sorrow connotes sadness caused by misfortune, affliction, or loss; it can also imply contrition: sorrow for his... children, who needed his protection, and whom he could not protect (James Baldwin). Grief is deep, acute personal sorrow, as that arising from irreplaceable loss: Grief fills the room up of my absent child,/Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me (Shakespeare). Anguish implies agonizing, excruciating mental pain: I pray that our heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement (Abraham Lincoln). Woe is intense, often prolonged wretchedness or misery: the deep, unutterable woe/Which none save exiles feel ( W.E. Aytoun). Heartache most often applies to sustained private sorrow: The child's difficulties are a source of heartache to the parents. Heartbreak is overwhelming grief: Better a little chiding than a great deal of heartbreak (Shakespeare).
   
   
Do I really regret anything?? why do I grieve ?? of what consequence is sorrow? what does anguish leave me with? why the heartbreak, why the heartache??

Wish i could take these words out of Dictionary and the feelings associated with them out of my psyche.
That is the only regret I have.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Cursing the Gods

something in me has given way
have not wept still
cannot seem to weep too
something very elemental has gone missing
have missed folks before
it would feel as if a part of me was missing
but this is different
my soul is missing this time around
I am missing this time around
as if I am resurrected after the wrath of gods
but I am the only one resurrected
can't say for sure
if it is heaven or hell
don't have a bearing to measure it by
sinking in a bottomless pit doesn't describe it
feeling lost doesn't describe it
I am like a ghost, a shadow
pale and withdrawn
cursing the gods for resurrecting me
cursing the gods for making me what I am
cursing the gods...........


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Comfortably Numb

Each day brings a new turmoil
unfazed i stand
it pricks me like a needle
and i keep standing tall
don't even acknowledge the sting
am becoming numb
another threshold another day
am waiting for the moment
when i finally become
comfortably numb

my guts curdle
i breath in shallow gulps
I am not present to my surroundings
am unable to emote
unable to contemplate
am lost beyond articulation
mind turns blank
only thing i know is that I exist
where, i don't want to question
don't have it in me to question
and i wait to become
comfortably numb


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

In search of peace

why do you question
something that is understood
why do you question someone
who will not understand
why do you wail
when no one hears you scream
why do you love
when love doesn't exist
what has become of you
what have you become
why do you look up to others
when they cannot be looked up to
yes it is lonely
and yes you are lonesome
but that is how it has to be
if you desire peace
peace is an elusive whore
it will make you sell everything
you body your soul
till you turn cold and bitter
lie battered and broken
and then it will smile on you
and ask you in stingy silence
why, what for.......
don't you know nothing lasts............


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Ramblings

Untouched by words
aloof from emotions
dipped in water, but not wet
blown by air, but not dry
cold in heat, hot in cold
detached from surroundings
form less like smoke
roaming from one place to another
like a nomad, a vagabond
no abode to call his own
no land his promised land
like a hermit
he sails through time
in search of enlightenment
in search of peace
peace that will never be his
or perhaps it will be
destiny chooses not to reveal
what it engulfs in its embrace
till the time is just right
or the fate just abandoned

Nothing has come to pass
nothing ever will
for he cannot be touched
for he cannot be spoilt
for he is just a rider
hitching one ride after another
like locust he feeds off them
only to hop on and on
till he reaches where he belongs
how many sacrifices would be needed
for the journey is long
no one can say for sure
how long would it take
for a gypsy to settle down

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Some thoughts

Each end is a new beginning and each beginning is the start of a new end.

Each one of us has a responsibility to know what we are, all of us have to figure out among other things, our thoughts on faith, politic, likes dislikes, and it is our duty to understand why.

Instead of looking for a source of happiness, we should aspire to be the source ourselves

happiness can be found at just one place, within us.

Sum total of our life is Zero, all that stands will turn to dust, so each one of us has the moral responsibility of being happy and content.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Allure of solitude lies in it being perennial

What are we searching for??? Or should the question be, What am I searching for ?? I find that life in all its uncertainty is essentially meaningless, then why do I have to abide by rules, why do I have to confirm ?? Why do I have to live the fallacy ??
And If I refuse to live in this fallacy a whole world around me, formed of beliefs of people who think they matter to me, who think I matter to them, comes hurtling down to a devastating halt. But I know that this is also not permanent, eventually all of them will pick up the pieces and start afresh, or probably forget me as a bad chapter from their lives and move on. But here in lies the dilemma, I am not averse to the fact that they will move on, but I am averse to the bitter taste it will leave with them, and not all bitter tastes are cherished like chocolate. Not all of them are looked upon fondly, not all of them find a mention.
So essentially I know that I am living in an oblivion and I will fade away into oblivion one fine day, but I don't want to vanish, just now :-)
Catch-22 isn't it.
Or is it that I for one am unable to let go of people around me ?? Or I am ready for that, but don't believe that others will see it this way ?? What the hell............ Life goes on
It never stops for anyone, or anything, nothing stops, nothing is forever, except for change. I am compelled to rake out an old saying of mine...........

"Allure of solitude lies in it being perennial"

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Summer evenings - and why I hate them

Evenings have started to depress me, this is one time of the day which is not going anywhere, I mean night is when I go off to the land of nod, Mornings are when I look forward to the day, though often with a cynic resignation, but I do look forward to the day, afternoons are when I am waiting for the evening and evenings are when nothing seems right.
The sun is setting, all the birds are going to their nests, all the folks are see are getting ready to settle down. The worst memories of evenings are from Delhi, where as a child I would be returning home from some relatives place, in a bus packed to max, looking out of the window, seeing the gloom descend on the city. The birds screeching and vendors hawking there wares, all in an animated frenzy wanting to catch the last worm maybe.
The best evenings that I can remember were on Kaup beach off Udupi, where I sat and watched the sun set. I was relaxed and knew that is what I was there to do.
But back to gloomy evenings specially the summer ones, when it is still hot outside, bingo, I think I got my answer, I hate summer evenings for it is still hot and I believe Earth has no business being hot, once the sun goes down.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

True Lies

Are any lies true, well all lies are true in the sense that they are truly lies :-) Sounds confusing ?? Well it sure is. How many times have you lied, cummon we all lie and when we lie it becomes the truth, it becomes the truth because we want it to be the truth with all our hope.
Lies are the easiest way of getting around in this wild world. Without lies truth will not have its significance.
I personally don't think that there is anything right or wrong, it just depends on the perspective, but then for the folks who want to differentiate and make world a more habitable place for themselves, lies can be termed as the "dark side of the force". so get seduced by the dark side of the force, for truth might prevail in the end, but lies do take you a lot of places before the end :-)

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Some personality test on the net

INTP - "Architect". Greatest precision in thought and language. Can readily discern contradictions and inconsistencies. The world exists primarily to be understood. 3.3% of total population.

Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Main type	Variant

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||| 50% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||| 46% Type 3 Image Awareness |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 4 Sensitivity |||||||||||||| 53% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||||| 63% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 56% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||||| 56% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||| 66% Your main type is 6 Your variant is sexual

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

A missing URL - a deleted Orkut profile - a lost friend - a lost love - a lost book

There are times when we start taking things for granted, somethings, for example a URL in Internet age, or a friend who would always be there, or a book that one could always read, and then all of a sudden they disappear, and we don't know what hit us. This is a reality of life that we just cannot ignore. What you think will last forever, might be snatched away from you in a moments notice and the the worst thing is that you will not notice it going away, it will take a lot of pain and discomfort to get used to the idea of not having it in your life again.

But life always goes on, life always continues.

Nothing stops, nothing waits

so each time you get hit by this syndrome, say "what the hell" and go on :-)

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya