Blabber

teary eyes with a tear drop rolling down
and the voice that said, I am fine
the smile that said it all
the touch that sealed my fate
a love for the lovelorn
a symphony of wails
a requiem for a notion
and he fades away into a golden sunset

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Question

What am I doing with my life? This question crops up every now and then and has been on my radar for such a long time now that I have a strange kind of familiarity associated with it. But really, am I looking for a solution or just whiling away my time. Close to 11 at night, and waiting to get into an offshore call with onsite bosses, I ponder over it once again.
Something has to be done, something quick, something decisive.
Cannot keep my eyes closed anymore. Have to wake up.
Listen man..... this is a wake up call.
How many more of these are you going to need, you lazy bum

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Jala hai jism jahan, dil bhi jal gaya hoga
Kuredte ho jo ab raakh, justju kya hai
~ghalib

Epitaph

No better no worse
not a sage nor a devil
not a lesser man
nor a man enough
not a loser
nor a success
not a prodigy
nor senile
a bit depressed
a bit unwell
a bit dreamy
a bit weepy
like a breeze that flows
a flicker of light
lost in the thick of dark
a bundle of thoughts
and ideas
lost in translation

mostly harmless.
 

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

I have to apologize to myself...........
for being the foul mouth I never wanted to be
for becoming what I hate the most


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Jung Revisited

I again took the Jung's test and this time around I am more of a feeling type (whatevre that crap means) am actually an ambivert (50% introvert/50% extrovert)
so I am INFP or ENFP
INFP
creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

ENFP
outgoing, social, disorganized, easily talked into doing silly things, spontaneous, wild and crazy, acts without thinking, good at getting people to have fun, pleasure seeking, irresponsible, physically affectionate, risk taker, thrill seeker, likely to have or want a tattoo, adventurous, unprepared, attention seeking, hyperactive, irrational, loves crowds, rule breaker, prone to losing things, seductive, easily distracted, open, revealing, comfortable in unfamiliar situations, attracted to strange things, non punctual, likes to stand out, likes to try new things, fun seeker, unconventional, energetic, impulsive, empathetic, dangerous, loving, attachment prone, prone to fantasy

Career options
performer, actor, entertainer, songwriter, musician, filmmaker, comedian, radio broadcaster/dj, some job related to theater/drama, poet, music journalist, work in fashion industry, singer, movie producer, playwright, bartender, comic book author, work in television, dancer, artist, record store owner, model, freelance artist, teacher (art, drama, music), writer, painter, massage therapist, costume designer, choreographer, make up artist

&

poet, painter, freelance artist, musician, writer, art therapist, teacher (art, music, drama), songwriter, art historian, library assistant, composer, work in the perfoming arts, art curator, playwrite, bookseller, cartoonist, video editor, photographer, philosopher, record store owner, digital artist, cinematographer, costume designer, film producer, philosophy professor, librarian, music therapist, enviromentalist, movie director, activist, bookstore owner, filmmaker

Disfavoured Career
business professional, manager, executive, administrator, business owner, supervisor, office manager, business analyst, financial analyst, public relations manager, ceo, executive assistant, judge, event coordinator, lawyer, office worker

&

data analyst, scientist, researcher, financial advisor, business analyst, govt employee, office manager, mathematician, investment banker, office worker, computer tech, it professional, network engineer, strategist


Dunno what to make out of it, other than the fact that I might be in the wrong profession afterall :-)

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Simple pleasures of life

• Listening to a good Rock number and being tempted to head bang along with it.
• Getting high on pot and philosophising about life
• Sitting in silence with someone you want to be with
• Being in midst of Nature, on top of a hill, with your arms opened and you let the cloud pass through, small droplets on your eye lashes, wet hair and a rejunevated soul
• Driving my car to 160 Km/h, all my mind on the road
• Riding my bike to 120 Km/h on the way to office
  
• driving non-stop for hours, no thoughts in mind, nothing except the road ahead
• Getting a call from someone having blues and letting then know that this is not the end
• Calling up someone when I have blues and talking about things totally un-related.
• Reading good humour
• Reading a book that engrosses me so much that I become a part of the characters
• Watching movies and getting lost in the celluloid dreams
• Imagining ideal relationships, ideal humans, ideal society.
• Living in future
• Living in remote past
• Being comfortable with my dark self, relishing it, to the point of modest Narcissism

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Thinking about it

Some one who is doomed,
his days left for counting,
how would you know his pain?
How would you know
million little deaths he dies
every moment worse than before
how he conquers his mind
body and soul
and set course on a life
waiting for death
how would you know
the battles that rage
in the middle of his heart
tearing him apart
making him think
what he did
what he wanted to do
there is no second chance coming
there is no life anymore

you will feel the pain
but once
before it all ceases to matter

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Quoting Ghalib

Have been listening to a lot of Ghalib these days and man as always I have no doubts that the man rocks :-)

he would have been "the" rock-star, if only he was born a century and a half later....

Phir kuch ik dil ko bekarari hai

seena jo ya hai zakhmkaari hai

fir us hi bewafa pe marte hain

fir wahi zindagi hamari hai

Bekhudi be-sabab nahin Ghalib

Kuch to hai jiski parda-daari hai
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Adrenaline

love me hate me
hold me thrill me
kiss me kill me
make be bow down
strike that chord again
all you want is darkness
all you want is hope
all places you have been pierced
and painted and loved so much
and still you live on
don't give them the death they want
don't die when you are still young
I will be your boatman on styx
I won't even charge you the fare
but wait for your time to come

break me if you have to
kill me if you have to
I will be your shadow still
don't call the bluff on them
they don't care for it
all they want is something barbarous
don't play to them
don't play for them
you are a star
go be one in your own galaxy
no one knows what you are worth
nobody cares too
live it up star
and fly as high as you can
never say never again
never say die

yes I know some of it is a U2 song, but I couldn't care less.
Come to think of it palagarism is one of the best tributes one can give.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Eerie Silence

There is a eerie silence before the storm, then the gods of wrath descend and tear apart the fabric of life, continuity, saneness, that binds us together.
and then there is eerie silence once more

It feels that the storm has not abated still
the winds can start blowing any time now
trees will be uprooted and houses torn apart
Inhabitants will become vagabonds again
heavens will open up and cry floods
lightning will strike the place we hide

Eerie silence has descended on me
the void inside me is very quiet now
waiting for the next onslaught of emotions
waiting for the fury to be unleashed
can i drown in this slush of my own making
can i sleep for sometime before I burn



--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Sometimes life seems absolutely unbearable, other times it just sucks.... :-)
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Wake up

Wake up oh sleeping giant
wake up and steer your destiny
I know slumber is comforting
don't be beholden by land of nod though
eons have passed
all memories are distant smudges
on the windshield of time
all those who were with you
all those whom you loved
all those who were your world
all of them have moved on
everyone belongs
some in palaces
some in places far away
what do you crave for still
what do you wait for still
no one is waiting
stop searching for things in past
they are buried and lost
will never happen to you again
make the present pleasent
and future will be happy
don't turn into the bitter man
you are turning into
don't be sad
people will accompany you
they will adore you too
show them the way you are going
and start moving towards that horizon
Horizon of the promises
horizon beyond which
dreams come true
everything you touch turns to gold
everything you believe becomes real
yes the people won't be same
but dreams will be
someone else will walk alongside you
but you will walk too

wake up and get going
wake up for you are late
wake up for you are alone.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Jhoote vachan sab saari baatein

"I will be the father figure for your child" <when I have time ofcourse>
"I don't believe in marriage" <but I am married ofcourse>
"I will always be there for you" <though with someone else, or maybe on a different continent>
"you can call me anytime, you want to talk" <though in slices of 15 minutes>
"I will marry you" < I will induct you in the harem>
"There will always be a room for you where I live" < though you might not feel like dropping in, for where I live>
"I will never sleep with anyone except for you" <though I might go to 1st 2nd base> <once you are done, who needs to sleep with the person anyway>
"you are the most important person in my life" < Except for my wife and some ex flames of course>
"My choices are clear" <But I have to go ask for permissions from people in my past>
"I am confused" < You are no longer the single most important thing in my life>
"I am sorry that I happened to you" <I am sorry that you happened to me>
"Life is beautiful still" <I miss you, but don't care enough to let you know>
"Please forgive if I move on" <I am desperate for your attention>
"I will have to root out a few people from my life" <But I will always be available and accesible to them>
"I cannot hurt her anymore" <She will see the better of it, and I don't trust you>

"I love you"  <With a whole lot of "if then else" clauses>


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Despondent

Have you ever felt lost
lost beyond hope
beyond comprehension
beyond care
when you don't want to be found
when hope becomes blasphemy
and something tells you
"this is how it will be, always"

Have you ever been in company
yet lonely
lonely as the oasis in desert
brimming with life
yet so out of place in desert
lonely like an island
lonely like a sheer cliff
you talk, you laugh
but all is an aberration
your mind wanders
setting its own course
through the myriad of memories
not contemplating though
just reliving the agony
again and again

have you ever been with nature
yet incomplete
when nothing seems to fill the void
nothing carries the allure anymore
with mind in state of exasperation
unknown anger brewing inside you
and the wish to smoulder
everything in line of sight
and the erudition
that there is no deliverance
no escaping the wrath
an acquiescence of doom

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

 

 

Saudade

A Portuguese word for a feeling of longing for something that one is fond of, which is gone, but might return in a distant future. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Lost in translation

What is lost, what did we gain
what was possible then
what makes it impossible now
answers lost in translation
questions re-phrased
to mean different things
feelings are still the same
thoughts wander off though
I saw a vision
and chased it
couldn't describe it maybe
but there were no contradictions
there still are none

Anything is "can do",
and will always be for me..........
maybe i missed "won't do"
or maybe I did not
you never saw it maybe

I won't grieve anymore
have grieved enough for a life time
have not made compromises
for i don't barter
I know how to give
but am a fool when it comes to ask

will give up everything
before it can be snatched away
all have stolen enough
and continue they will
don't want the hurt that follows
so give up I will.........

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Innocence

A long time lived in agony
thinking, pondering, decimating self
being overly critical
holding self responsible
for ruining lives
not wanting to be drawn
in to the brawl
all over again
and it takes just one simple word
to melt all that away
and feel tender once again

each time I let the bitterness win
the whole world conspires
to keep the innocence alive

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Laakad

Was listening to this song from Omkara, penned down by Gulzaar, and it leaves no doubts why he is the best........
wish I could write like this

Laakad jal ke koyla hoye jaaye
koyla ho jaaye khaak
jiya jale to kuch na hoye re
na dhuaan na raakh
jiya na jalaiyo re
jiya na jalaiyo re
jiya na lagaiyo re

Baraf pighal ke paani hoye jaaye re
badal ban ud jaaye
peed jiya main aisi baithi re baithi
aisi baithi re baithi
na pighle na jaayere
nadi kinaare behte sahare
naav na lagaiyo re
na lagaiyo re
jiya na lagaiyo re
jiya na jalaiyo re

jhoote vachan saari baatein
jhoote vachan sab saari baatein
rut bharkha ka paani
garaj baras sab beh jaave re
jee ne jitni maani
sawan se ye na bhujne ki
jaan na jalaiyo re
jiya na jalaiyo re
jiya na jalaiyo re

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Resurrection

some moments overwhelm so much,
that it is difficult to breath,
one such moment,
when i held my breath
for, i don't know how long,
It seemed I had passed away
had left the mortal me behind
there was nothing I wanted
nothing that I longed for
I was complete, a whole

when i am tired
and lie next to you
let my head rest
on your shoulders
and let me go
to the land of nod
where everything is magical
where everything is warm
let me rise again from slumber
and see me smile
a content smile
let me be complete, a whole

when I have lost everything
when I have lost my soul
take me into your arms then
and let me sob
let me wash away all the hurt
let me wail and let me mourn
and when I am spent
see the calm on my face
a content calm
let me have that calm
let me be complete, a whole

when i turn to ashes
take the urn
to the top of a cliff
and let me fall
let me mingle with the air
let me mix with water
let me be lost in elements
let the nature resurrect me
I would be content once again
I would be complete, a whole

Death

All things that have a beginning have an end too, then why is it that we cannot accept the end? We question it like crazy, we want to stop it from ending, we want to run back into time and salvage whatever is left of it. But we forget that it has to end. That is what life is all about.
Everything has to end one day or other.
Still we weep
still we mourn

Death is supposed to be mourned
and mourn I will................

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

gloom

dark clouds of gloom

descend on me once again

am not able to see far or near

the darkness engulfes me

and takes me on a wild ride

ride where I meet all my emotions

all my insecurities

ride where I live through my life once again

some moments that hurt

some moments that are still raw

and I am totally lost

in the eddy of time

where present seems like past

past seems like future

and there is no trace of hope

 

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Life or something like that

Some times we just stand as life passes us by. We fail to comprehend what is happening, we fail to react to the prompts thrown up by fate to shape up the script of your lives. We just stand rooted to ground, wondering why things are not going the way we would expect them to.
Some of us just can't stop being mute witness to the play of fate, (that is what they call it) for a complete lifetime.
Not able to decide what needs to be done
Not able to make out wrong from right
Not able to define the morality
Not able to define their life

Sometime I got a mail with the punch line "After all life is all about the choices we make". It couldn't have been better said. We, I repeat we have the onus of making the choice.
It is "I" who decides what happens in my life, no one else can decide that.
If I let someone else decide what happens in my life, then
I am weak,
I need crutches all the time,
I don't believe in myself.......

There is no other way of saying it.
As long as one will try to find happiness in others, happiness will allude one.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Mat ro

kis kis baat par royega
kis kis ko royega
yoon hi apne aap se bhaagta rahega
yoon hi apne se baatein karega
kaun tha jo tere saath aaya tha
kaun hai jo tere saath jayega
kyon yaad karta hai beete hue pal
kyon hain teri aankehin ateet se nam
mat ro un sab par jo chale gaye
mat ro un sab par jo jaane waale hain

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

we all want to be in one

Illusions and how we chase them
like mirage gives one the hope
often an false one though
but one who is lost
will chase them still
for that is all he has
that is what remains sane
in the insanity that surrounds him
It is alright to chase illusions
and become one with them maybe
for all is insignificant
for all will be lost anyway

like the phantom
leading one to jump off the cliff
like the oblivion
promised by the dope
like the life
given to you in womb
like the love
showered on you by beloved
like the integrity
that makes one sacrifice
like the guilt
that kills from within
everything is but illusion
and yet we like to be in one
no, we all want to be in one

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

A million little pieces

Why do I do the things I do,
and why do I feel bad after doing them,
It is as if I have a constant desire to desecrate
all that i thought sacred once
want to be a man with no land
no religion, no identity
a man without sacred earth
a man not in search of sacred earth
each unsaid rule i break
each expectation I breach
each score that I even
leaves me feeling shattered
into a million little pieces
and yet I manage to rise up again
only to fall again

I wish I could be
a million little pieces
spread all over
someones sacred earth


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Superstition

Bad dreams, omens, read correctly, interpreted wrongly...
Is this what my life has become now, waiting for things to go wrong, one after another?
Why am I becoming overtly superstitious, is it because a whole lot has already gone bad ??
but then all these are consequences of my own actions and I think I take responsibility for my actions, or do I ??
doubts cloud my judgement, like the mist in the dream, emotions cloud my reason, like the massive waves in the dream.
I think I should not think about this at all.
I think I should just be.......

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Regret

re·gretter n.

    Synonyms: regret, sorrow, grief, anguish, woe, heartache, heartbreak
    These nouns denote mental distress. Regret has the broadest range, from mere disappointment to a painful sense of dissatisfaction or self-reproach, as over something lost or done: She looked back with regret on the pain she had caused her family. Sorrow connotes sadness caused by misfortune, affliction, or loss; it can also imply contrition: sorrow for his... children, who needed his protection, and whom he could not protect (James Baldwin). Grief is deep, acute personal sorrow, as that arising from irreplaceable loss: Grief fills the room up of my absent child,/Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me (Shakespeare). Anguish implies agonizing, excruciating mental pain: I pray that our heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement (Abraham Lincoln). Woe is intense, often prolonged wretchedness or misery: the deep, unutterable woe/Which none save exiles feel ( W.E. Aytoun). Heartache most often applies to sustained private sorrow: The child's difficulties are a source of heartache to the parents. Heartbreak is overwhelming grief: Better a little chiding than a great deal of heartbreak (Shakespeare).
   
   
Do I really regret anything?? why do I grieve ?? of what consequence is sorrow? what does anguish leave me with? why the heartbreak, why the heartache??

Wish i could take these words out of Dictionary and the feelings associated with them out of my psyche.
That is the only regret I have.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya