Couldn't have been the star,
that guides from horizon,
ushering into the twilight
what destiny holds for thee
Couldn't have been the angel
whose thoughts inspire goodness
calling you to a sinless abode
ringing the bells of virtue
Couldn't have been a hero
who would rescue thee
from the fire and fury of the world
taking you in his arms
and riding off to horizon
couldn't have been a start
Couldn't have been a star...........
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Sunday, May 29, 2005
hey Ram
It was his revolution, he had started it, he had built it, he had sown the seeds, he had envisioned it. The final blow to the corrupt and non functional legislature would be given tomorrow morning and then the nation would be born again, the triumph would have to be sustained and he was already neck deep in calculations and planning to make things perfect. he knew that there would be suffering, he knew that there might be bloodshed too, but he was not prepared for ethical degradation of the revolution. as he stood by the window of his secret headquarters, these were his very thoughts.
How would he make sure that all the people that undertook this journey with him, will withstand the trials of time and shut themselves off from basic human emotion of greed. How would he make sure that the people along with him will respect the thought that created the revolution and won't get busy in amassing wealth and power. He didn't have an answer and he was worried. He knew that the only way he could become truly great was, if he is successful in making this revolution glorious, and history, not just his story, but rather story of the times when a new paradigm of governance came into being.
He thought about his closest aides, and how they respect him, but how he was slowly loosing trust in them, How he wanted so very often to spy on them, to know what they were up to
He thought about the people, who were the foot soldiers of this revolution and how they have hope and believe in him, but he felt that they knew nothing about the vision, or at the best had their own philosophy about the vision. It seemed a mammoth job to even get them to think on the same lines.
he thought about the people he was about to over throw, they seemed wicked and fake, and source of all that was evil. But they had been elected by the very same people who wanted a change now. "Why did they choose such a bunch of Jokers ?", he thought. and there was no answer. he thought about the first time when he had thought about this revolution, the first time when he had thought that the democracy can be taken over by democracy, that all it takes is to have a revolution at the time when nation goes to polls.
His Idea was simple, he re-invented the word leader and showed people what leadership should mean. He spent so much time amongst people, making them realize that eventually they have the power to overthrow the biggest of tyrants. He taught them hope and inculcated the habit of asking questions.
Then he chose the best among them to be his leaders, and he surprisingly got away with all this, because he never talked about politics.
Then finally after 20 years of hard work, hi leaders declared their candidature for general elections as independents. He knew they are sure to win, he knew that the power belongs to him, he knew that he can now walk the last mile and finally make his nation what he dreamt of.
"Enough of this crap", he said, and walked of his office to meet a delegation of people who had come to see the great leader and visionary and talk to him about their concerns. He folded his hands in the traditional salutation, just then he felt a piercing pain in hi chest. He looked down and could see a hole, just above his heart. Blood was oozing out and his green shirt was becoming black. He tried to regain balance, but fell to his side and world heard the famous words once again "Hey Ram"
--
Arise, awake and stop not, till the goal is achieved.
~Vivekanand
How would he make sure that all the people that undertook this journey with him, will withstand the trials of time and shut themselves off from basic human emotion of greed. How would he make sure that the people along with him will respect the thought that created the revolution and won't get busy in amassing wealth and power. He didn't have an answer and he was worried. He knew that the only way he could become truly great was, if he is successful in making this revolution glorious, and history, not just his story, but rather story of the times when a new paradigm of governance came into being.
He thought about his closest aides, and how they respect him, but how he was slowly loosing trust in them, How he wanted so very often to spy on them, to know what they were up to
He thought about the people, who were the foot soldiers of this revolution and how they have hope and believe in him, but he felt that they knew nothing about the vision, or at the best had their own philosophy about the vision. It seemed a mammoth job to even get them to think on the same lines.
he thought about the people he was about to over throw, they seemed wicked and fake, and source of all that was evil. But they had been elected by the very same people who wanted a change now. "Why did they choose such a bunch of Jokers ?", he thought. and there was no answer. he thought about the first time when he had thought about this revolution, the first time when he had thought that the democracy can be taken over by democracy, that all it takes is to have a revolution at the time when nation goes to polls.
His Idea was simple, he re-invented the word leader and showed people what leadership should mean. He spent so much time amongst people, making them realize that eventually they have the power to overthrow the biggest of tyrants. He taught them hope and inculcated the habit of asking questions.
Then he chose the best among them to be his leaders, and he surprisingly got away with all this, because he never talked about politics.
Then finally after 20 years of hard work, hi leaders declared their candidature for general elections as independents. He knew they are sure to win, he knew that the power belongs to him, he knew that he can now walk the last mile and finally make his nation what he dreamt of.
"Enough of this crap", he said, and walked of his office to meet a delegation of people who had come to see the great leader and visionary and talk to him about their concerns. He folded his hands in the traditional salutation, just then he felt a piercing pain in hi chest. He looked down and could see a hole, just above his heart. Blood was oozing out and his green shirt was becoming black. He tried to regain balance, but fell to his side and world heard the famous words once again "Hey Ram"
--
Arise, awake and stop not, till the goal is achieved.
~Vivekanand
Saturday, May 28, 2005
The truth about secret garden
"So how is everything", exclaimed the princess, because the stars were no longer lit and the moon was a bit dull, and she felt that she had to be re-assured that everything was in perfect order. The maid knew the princess and knew what was wrong with the world, but she dared not to tell the princess about the uprisings in the far north and the bloodshed in west. She wanted to protect her from the misinformation for as long as she could. but now as the princess posed the question to the King himself, the maid could do nothing much but fidget around, hoping that the king would understand and won't make life tough for his daughter.
she had been born with the curse of a weak heart, she would be moved to pity by slightest of plight of people around her, she would be so pained by the sorrow of people that she won't sleep for nights altogether. It was only after the flower boy episode that the King realized the vulnerability of her daughter.
one fine day the flower boy, who used to gather flowers from the estates and then make bouquets out of them, was busy pruning the Rose bushes, when Princess happened to be in the gardens with he maid and governess taking French lessons, the flower boy heard her voice, the sweetest voice he had ever heard and he got completely transfixed by her spoken words. Even though he didn't understand what was being said, but he felt the peace he had never felt before. From that they onwards he would take special care and make loveliest of the bouquets for the princess. The most he wanted to do was meet princess once and hand her the bouquet himself. One day mesmerized by the ever blinding affection and with his inhibition reduced to nothing, he did the unthinkable.
He waited for princess to be in Garden once again, it took months for that to happen, but he never lost hope. Everyday he would go to the gardens, toil hard, and make beautiful bouquets. He started growing the reddest of the roses, he has a secret recipe for that, he would daily mix few drops of his own blood in the watering can so that the roses become as dark as his blood and remind the princess of his un-fathomable love.
After about 8 months he heard the princess again, she was walking with the King and they were discussing the spring bloom and how she loved to see the trees in bloom. His heart was pounding and he knew he had waited so much and if he didn't go and meet her now, he might never see her again. He gathered all his courage and went towards the voices, but first he choose the darkest of red roses for his fair maiden. As he got close, he was stopped by the guards, he requested them and told them he had to see the princess, the guards laughed at him and tried to dissuade him. But he was determined and stood his ground. Hearing the commotion the King excused himself, told the princess to be where she was and approached the guards to check out what the matter was.
On seeing the boy and the flowers, the king lost his temper and ordered the guards to slaughter the boy. Two guards held the boy and the third swiftly be-headed him. The blood from the boy fell on the flowers. and he collapsed in a heap. His body was lifted and stowed away, but they forgot about the roses. Princess had heard the screaming and wailing of the boy, requesting the king to let him meet her once before he dies. Even though she had not understood what was being said and done, she had this strange sinking feeling. she ran towards the spot and saw the King standing with some guards, and just next to king lay the roses, now soaked in blood, more darker than ever.
She fainted, regained consciousness, and cried for 7 whole nights and days, she refused to eat. She didn't know what had descended on her, she could feel the sorrow, but of what, she didn't know.
on 8th when she got up, the King was sitting next to her. He looked at her and said, "don't worry I will create a paradise for you and you shall be happy then". It is then that the secret garden was born. The princess lived in this secret garden away from all sorrows and all things bad, with her maid and governess and occasional visits by the King.
She grew to be a noble woman, but still she was very soft at heart, and whatever King tells her now will shape the future of the country.....
--
Arise, awake and stop not, till the goal is achieved.
~Vivekanand
she had been born with the curse of a weak heart, she would be moved to pity by slightest of plight of people around her, she would be so pained by the sorrow of people that she won't sleep for nights altogether. It was only after the flower boy episode that the King realized the vulnerability of her daughter.
one fine day the flower boy, who used to gather flowers from the estates and then make bouquets out of them, was busy pruning the Rose bushes, when Princess happened to be in the gardens with he maid and governess taking French lessons, the flower boy heard her voice, the sweetest voice he had ever heard and he got completely transfixed by her spoken words. Even though he didn't understand what was being said, but he felt the peace he had never felt before. From that they onwards he would take special care and make loveliest of the bouquets for the princess. The most he wanted to do was meet princess once and hand her the bouquet himself. One day mesmerized by the ever blinding affection and with his inhibition reduced to nothing, he did the unthinkable.
He waited for princess to be in Garden once again, it took months for that to happen, but he never lost hope. Everyday he would go to the gardens, toil hard, and make beautiful bouquets. He started growing the reddest of the roses, he has a secret recipe for that, he would daily mix few drops of his own blood in the watering can so that the roses become as dark as his blood and remind the princess of his un-fathomable love.
After about 8 months he heard the princess again, she was walking with the King and they were discussing the spring bloom and how she loved to see the trees in bloom. His heart was pounding and he knew he had waited so much and if he didn't go and meet her now, he might never see her again. He gathered all his courage and went towards the voices, but first he choose the darkest of red roses for his fair maiden. As he got close, he was stopped by the guards, he requested them and told them he had to see the princess, the guards laughed at him and tried to dissuade him. But he was determined and stood his ground. Hearing the commotion the King excused himself, told the princess to be where she was and approached the guards to check out what the matter was.
On seeing the boy and the flowers, the king lost his temper and ordered the guards to slaughter the boy. Two guards held the boy and the third swiftly be-headed him. The blood from the boy fell on the flowers. and he collapsed in a heap. His body was lifted and stowed away, but they forgot about the roses. Princess had heard the screaming and wailing of the boy, requesting the king to let him meet her once before he dies. Even though she had not understood what was being said and done, she had this strange sinking feeling. she ran towards the spot and saw the King standing with some guards, and just next to king lay the roses, now soaked in blood, more darker than ever.
She fainted, regained consciousness, and cried for 7 whole nights and days, she refused to eat. She didn't know what had descended on her, she could feel the sorrow, but of what, she didn't know.
on 8th when she got up, the King was sitting next to her. He looked at her and said, "don't worry I will create a paradise for you and you shall be happy then". It is then that the secret garden was born. The princess lived in this secret garden away from all sorrows and all things bad, with her maid and governess and occasional visits by the King.
She grew to be a noble woman, but still she was very soft at heart, and whatever King tells her now will shape the future of the country.....
--
Arise, awake and stop not, till the goal is achieved.
~Vivekanand
Change
Was talking to R for a long time today, I think I needed that chat so very much, Am feeling very relieved now and full of new found confidence too. after all I have nothing to loose, I do have brains, just have to apply them and work hard. Also I talked about depression and how it happens and understood that I am not the only one in grip of this vicious thing. Anyway have decided to take things in the proper perspective and live out life without being unnecessarily despotic.
Today I am going to have a party and tomorrow when I wake up I would wake up as a new man, with a few basic things in place. I really should feel thankful to all who saw me through this. I know the way ahead is not going to be easy, but I am not scared anymore, I know it will take a long time to regain what you have lost, but you shall regain it and then relinquish it.
and once you have done that you will never ever feel that you are running away from life. Trust yourself believe in yourself and your powers of perception, goddammit man you have an IQ of 156.
--
Arise awake and stop not till the Goal is achieved
~Vivekanad
Today I am going to have a party and tomorrow when I wake up I would wake up as a new man, with a few basic things in place. I really should feel thankful to all who saw me through this. I know the way ahead is not going to be easy, but I am not scared anymore, I know it will take a long time to regain what you have lost, but you shall regain it and then relinquish it.
and once you have done that you will never ever feel that you are running away from life. Trust yourself believe in yourself and your powers of perception, goddammit man you have an IQ of 156.
--
Arise awake and stop not till the Goal is achieved
~Vivekanad
few things to do..........
I caught myself while I still had time, now is the time to act and act i will.
1. Discipline. I don't know this term, this is not in my dictionary. This is a big chunk completely missing from my mind. So I have to inculcate the discpline and have a rythm in life.
2. work . Work is work. no second thoughts about it. Pick up geeta and read it, listen to geeta and understand it. No compromise whatsoever with work, whether you find it suitable or not. You are free to re-invent yourself, but no disloyalty to bread and butter.
1. Discipline. I don't know this term, this is not in my dictionary. This is a big chunk completely missing from my mind. So I have to inculcate the discpline and have a rythm in life.
2. work . Work is work. no second thoughts about it. Pick up geeta and read it, listen to geeta and understand it. No compromise whatsoever with work, whether you find it suitable or not. You are free to re-invent yourself, but no disloyalty to bread and butter.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
maa ka aanchal
jab bachpan main kabhi
jhagad kar apne sahbaalon se
daud ke ghar chala jaata tha
koi shararat kar ke jab main
apne aap ko ghira hua paata tha
tab main maa ke
us aanchal ko dhoondta tha
sochta tha ki maa mujhe bacha legi
daante gi, shayad maaregi bhi
lekin bacha legi
maa se maar kha sakta tha main
woh aakhir apni jo thi
aaj jeevan main main maa ka
woh aanchal fir talaash raha hoon
shayad ab main bahut bada ho gaya hoon
shayad bahut akela bhi
lekin chahta hoon ek nayi shuruaat
koi mujhe maa ki tarah maaf kar de
daante dapate, fir pyaar se maaf kar de
--
I am one hell of a guy, I can do anything I want, only I just don't have the
faintest idea what.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox, in The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy
jhagad kar apne sahbaalon se
daud ke ghar chala jaata tha
koi shararat kar ke jab main
apne aap ko ghira hua paata tha
tab main maa ke
us aanchal ko dhoondta tha
sochta tha ki maa mujhe bacha legi
daante gi, shayad maaregi bhi
lekin bacha legi
maa se maar kha sakta tha main
woh aakhir apni jo thi
aaj jeevan main main maa ka
woh aanchal fir talaash raha hoon
shayad ab main bahut bada ho gaya hoon
shayad bahut akela bhi
lekin chahta hoon ek nayi shuruaat
koi mujhe maa ki tarah maaf kar de
daante dapate, fir pyaar se maaf kar de
--
I am one hell of a guy, I can do anything I want, only I just don't have the
faintest idea what.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox, in The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy
killing oneself
I have been feeling exceptionally miserable for last 2-3 months.
Nothing seems to be working and nothing seems to be right, I think I have reached the so called mid-life crises.
Following are the questions that give me the Titanic sinking feeling.
1. what do I aspire to be in life ?
2. What am I doing to achieve that ?
All my life has been one big marathon, running from one problem to another, digressing from actual issue and trying to heal the outer peel, whereas the core is rotting, there is not much left there and whatever is left is so lacking in conviction and confidence. It is as if I am the same 5 year old child, sent to write an essay in essay competition and I don't have a clue what the topic is going to be about, the same old child who got up and told the organizer that he can't write the essay, because the topic had not been taught to him, the same boy who feels humiliated when the organizers laugh, cries all the way home to find some shelter and get humiliated again, because he doesn't live up to expectations.
That child in me refuses to die.
The child who refused to see authority, who didn't like what he was made to do, i remember the child me, not wanting to do the homework, but wanting to play, I remember the child me, tinkering with the homework diary, not noting down the homework, the child me, beaten and broken and twisted to confirm to the authority. the Child me, who loved to dream. They tried to kill it completely and I was with them, but still the child me, refuses to die, refuses to give up, wakes up inside me and argues, "What the fuck are you doing man". he comes up to me and says "You have become what you used to loath"
The child me, who was waiting on his desk, for the wrath of the teacher to break loose, praying desperately for the bell to ring before she reaches my desk and figures out that my notebook is not in shape and strips me in front of the whole class, Just as she had stripped all the deviant ones.
the child me still shudders at the thought, still feels that drain of energy, still has that big sinking feeling, when someone asks me to perform what I don't want to do.
but coming back to the questions.
I aspire to be an artist. An artist who brings joy to people's life, and artist that touches their soul, an artist that guides them, at times warns them about evil, at other times even makes them love evil. An artist who talks about change, sometimes just for the heck of change.
An artist who doesn't confirm to notions of morality, religion, society. An artist who defines his own morality, who develops his own un-biased perspective and amazes all who see it.
And I am doing nothing about it, and that really kills me. I am doing nothing about it because nothing seems to be sacred anymore. I don't believe in the child me. All my senses tell me that child me, has always got me into trouble. all my virtual existence in this world tells me to strangle the child me. Tells me to smother him to death and then bury him in the remotest possible location. And exist happily ever after. "Yes you won't be able to live, but that is ok", figures out my brain "Nobody lives, and the pain will fade away gradually, kill the child you, kill your soul, don't fucking listen to it. and you will be happy living the mediocre life, that you are living right now"
And I am caught up in the dilemma, that is pushing me more and more towards a breakdown. I am really killing myself
--
I am one hell of a guy, I can do anything I want, only I just don't have the
faintest idea what.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox, in The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy
--
I am one hell of a guy, I can do anything I want, only I just don't have the
faintest idea what.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox, in The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy
Nothing seems to be working and nothing seems to be right, I think I have reached the so called mid-life crises.
Following are the questions that give me the Titanic sinking feeling.
1. what do I aspire to be in life ?
2. What am I doing to achieve that ?
All my life has been one big marathon, running from one problem to another, digressing from actual issue and trying to heal the outer peel, whereas the core is rotting, there is not much left there and whatever is left is so lacking in conviction and confidence. It is as if I am the same 5 year old child, sent to write an essay in essay competition and I don't have a clue what the topic is going to be about, the same old child who got up and told the organizer that he can't write the essay, because the topic had not been taught to him, the same boy who feels humiliated when the organizers laugh, cries all the way home to find some shelter and get humiliated again, because he doesn't live up to expectations.
That child in me refuses to die.
The child who refused to see authority, who didn't like what he was made to do, i remember the child me, not wanting to do the homework, but wanting to play, I remember the child me, tinkering with the homework diary, not noting down the homework, the child me, beaten and broken and twisted to confirm to the authority. the Child me, who loved to dream. They tried to kill it completely and I was with them, but still the child me, refuses to die, refuses to give up, wakes up inside me and argues, "What the fuck are you doing man". he comes up to me and says "You have become what you used to loath"
The child me, who was waiting on his desk, for the wrath of the teacher to break loose, praying desperately for the bell to ring before she reaches my desk and figures out that my notebook is not in shape and strips me in front of the whole class, Just as she had stripped all the deviant ones.
the child me still shudders at the thought, still feels that drain of energy, still has that big sinking feeling, when someone asks me to perform what I don't want to do.
but coming back to the questions.
I aspire to be an artist. An artist who brings joy to people's life, and artist that touches their soul, an artist that guides them, at times warns them about evil, at other times even makes them love evil. An artist who talks about change, sometimes just for the heck of change.
An artist who doesn't confirm to notions of morality, religion, society. An artist who defines his own morality, who develops his own un-biased perspective and amazes all who see it.
And I am doing nothing about it, and that really kills me. I am doing nothing about it because nothing seems to be sacred anymore. I don't believe in the child me. All my senses tell me that child me, has always got me into trouble. all my virtual existence in this world tells me to strangle the child me. Tells me to smother him to death and then bury him in the remotest possible location. And exist happily ever after. "Yes you won't be able to live, but that is ok", figures out my brain "Nobody lives, and the pain will fade away gradually, kill the child you, kill your soul, don't fucking listen to it. and you will be happy living the mediocre life, that you are living right now"
And I am caught up in the dilemma, that is pushing me more and more towards a breakdown. I am really killing myself
--
I am one hell of a guy, I can do anything I want, only I just don't have the
faintest idea what.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox, in The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy
--
I am one hell of a guy, I can do anything I want, only I just don't have the
faintest idea what.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox, in The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy
Rise of the phoenix
My wings are clipped
my heart bleeds
my eyes have sorrow
that you haven't come to pass
my soul lies battered and debauched
and my limbs are but wasted
my senses make no sense
and I am all alone
Wish I could die
consumed by fire
maybe then rise again
to be a golden flame
discover myself afresh
and make my presence felt
--
I am one hell of a guy, I can do anything I want, only I just don't have the
faintest idea what.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox, in The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy
my heart bleeds
my eyes have sorrow
that you haven't come to pass
my soul lies battered and debauched
and my limbs are but wasted
my senses make no sense
and I am all alone
Wish I could die
consumed by fire
maybe then rise again
to be a golden flame
discover myself afresh
and make my presence felt
--
I am one hell of a guy, I can do anything I want, only I just don't have the
faintest idea what.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox, in The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy
Sunday, May 15, 2005
so what
So what if life doesn't work out,<br> so what if you don't get what you aspire for<br> so what if dawn seems like the mouth<br> of a deadly dungeon<br> so what.........<br> <br> Nothing is ever gonna change and just to think that life will someday somehow work out, is the biggest of illusions that we cherish. It is going to be the same, if not worse than what it is today. And we will all keep on running and playing the wheel of fortune all through this rough bumpy ride.<br> <br> life is like that<br> <br><br>-- <br>I am one hell of a guy, I can do anything I want, only I just don't have the<br>faintest idea what.<br><br>- Zaphod Beeblebrox, in The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy<br>
Saturday, May 7, 2005
Never speak up
So I thought I will talk...... but talking is a very dangerous thing, Most of the times I have felt that I would have been better off If I had not spoken, If only I had kept quite and not told others what is in my skewed mind. At times I just see the truth so starkly that I don't have any other choice, but to tell the folks around me what I see. This has so far been one of my biggest weaknesses, I mean cummon who wants to hear the truth, If I know the truth I should probably keep quite and keep it with me always. Never ever tell people the truth becasue they don't want to listen to the truth. the truth will surprise them and it will scadalize them and then the relationship will no longer be the way it was before you decided to put your foot in your mouth.<br> <br> never speak up, with people who matter, or might matter.<br><br>-- <br>I am one hell of a guy, I can do anything I want, only I just don't have the<br>faintest idea what.<br><br>- Zaphod Beeblebrox, in The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy <br>
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)