I have been feeling exceptionally miserable for last 2-3 months.
Nothing seems to be working and nothing seems to be right, I think I have reached the so called mid-life crises.
Following are the questions that give me the Titanic sinking feeling.
1. what do I aspire to be in life ?
2. What am I doing to achieve that ?
All my life has been one big marathon, running from one problem to another, digressing from actual issue and trying to heal the outer peel, whereas the core is rotting, there is not much left there and whatever is left is so lacking in conviction and confidence. It is as if I am the same 5 year old child, sent to write an essay in essay competition and I don't have a clue what the topic is going to be about, the same old child who got up and told the organizer that he can't write the essay, because the topic had not been taught to him, the same boy who feels humiliated when the organizers laugh, cries all the way home to find some shelter and get humiliated again, because he doesn't live up to expectations.
That child in me refuses to die.
The child who refused to see authority, who didn't like what he was made to do, i remember the child me, not wanting to do the homework, but wanting to play, I remember the child me, tinkering with the homework diary, not noting down the homework, the child me, beaten and broken and twisted to confirm to the authority. the Child me, who loved to dream. They tried to kill it completely and I was with them, but still the child me, refuses to die, refuses to give up, wakes up inside me and argues, "What the fuck are you doing man". he comes up to me and says "You have become what you used to loath"
The child me, who was waiting on his desk, for the wrath of the teacher to break loose, praying desperately for the bell to ring before she reaches my desk and figures out that my notebook is not in shape and strips me in front of the whole class, Just as she had stripped all the deviant ones.
the child me still shudders at the thought, still feels that drain of energy, still has that big sinking feeling, when someone asks me to perform what I don't want to do.
but coming back to the questions.
I aspire to be an artist. An artist who brings joy to people's life, and artist that touches their soul, an artist that guides them, at times warns them about evil, at other times even makes them love evil. An artist who talks about change, sometimes just for the heck of change.
An artist who doesn't confirm to notions of morality, religion, society. An artist who defines his own morality, who develops his own un-biased perspective and amazes all who see it.
And I am doing nothing about it, and that really kills me. I am doing nothing about it because nothing seems to be sacred anymore. I don't believe in the child me. All my senses tell me that child me, has always got me into trouble. all my virtual existence in this world tells me to strangle the child me. Tells me to smother him to death and then bury him in the remotest possible location. And exist happily ever after. "Yes you won't be able to live, but that is ok", figures out my brain "Nobody lives, and the pain will fade away gradually, kill the child you, kill your soul, don't fucking listen to it. and you will be happy living the mediocre life, that you are living right now"
And I am caught up in the dilemma, that is pushing me more and more towards a breakdown. I am really killing myself
--
I am one hell of a guy, I can do anything I want, only I just don't have the
faintest idea what.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox, in The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy
--
I am one hell of a guy, I can do anything I want, only I just don't have the
faintest idea what.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox, in The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy
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