Leave him be

Bleak is the light
that shone once on horizon
it is dusk again
before it could be dawn
he took the flight
thinking love would heal
flew too close to sun
had not read the fable of Icarus perhaps
now strangely contended with life
in the darkness he searches
for the pieces that were him
could they be glued together
eventually they will become dust
so why give a damn now
why care for the one who is lost
leave him be
he won't be heard again

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Surging Ahead

Has it happened to you
you wanted something desperately
for the whole of your life
and when you got it
you were shit scared
because you didn't know how life would turn out
because all your life till that moment
was just about desperately wanting it
and it is very scary
to let go of what you have known
for the whole of your life
and surge ahead into unknown.

but there might be positive here too
one just has to look for it.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

getting high

Meandering through the thoughts
wisps of smoke from smouldering tobacco
formless just like the smoke
has this life been
as i walk through the moments
revisiting them again
enshrined, entombed in past
in some culvert of my mind
i see the chaos that has ruled
i see the agony that has drained me
I see the hurt i have inflicted
on to myself
again and again
without any fail
life seems like a house of horrors
It is like getting high on pot
but not knowing what to do with it


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Ankit took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offe..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Die each day,
don't let your ego live for the next day
don't carry hurt
don't carry happiness
when you go to sleep
let the slumberland engulf you
like the earth in 'dust to dust'
and wake up a new being
free from tiresome thoughts
thoughts of self doubt
of inadequacy
of freedom
of passion

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Rockstar - Modern Poetry at best

Every once in a while we come across a song that goes back to the true meaning of rock, when poetry weds music. when the artist sees the naked truth.
This is one of my current favourites

Rockstar by Nickelback

I'm through with standin' in line
at clubs I'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth
and I'm never gonna win
this life hasn't turned out
quite the way I want it to be
(Tell me what you want)

I want a brand new house
on an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub big enough
for ten plus me
--(So what you need)--

I need a a credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club
At thirty-seven thousand feet
--(Been there done that)--

I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
My own star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and
James Dean is fine for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

[CHORUS]
'Cause we all just wanna be a big rockstars and
Live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
in the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blonde hair
And well...

Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
--(I'll have the quesadilla, ha-ha)--

I'm gonna dress my ass
with the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to
blow my money for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this life
For fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair
And change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
we'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
in the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blonde hair
And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary of
today's who's who
They'll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody's got a
drug dealer on speed dial, well
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

I'm gonna sing those songs
that offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills
from a Pez dispenser
Get washed-up singers writing all my songs
Lip --sync-- 'em every night so I don't get 'em wrong

Well we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in Hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
in the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair
And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary of
today's who's who
They'll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody's got a
drug dealer on speed dial, well

Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Seneca says

Begin at once to live, and count each day as a separate llife
~Seneca

A profound statement, I think i understand it :-)

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

burning star

I am the burning star
the beacon you have been looking for
I will show you the way, every day
and i will never complain
just burn all day, every day
give away my light
so that you can see
what it means to be
a burning star


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

no good without evil

look at me now
stare me in my eyes
feel the pain, do you
feel the loss of being right
wings torn and clipped
lend me some glue
let me soar up to the moon
lets party where no one has been
live for the moment
get wasted beyond senses
come down on the altar
they want their sacrifice
when the blood will flow
and trickle down to dirt
demons will rise then
gods will be appeased
they have someone to slay
to conquer to plunder
good vs evil
and good will win
but all will forget
there is no good without evil

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

The voilets and the reds
the yellows and the pinks
bloom all of you bloom
paint the town with all the hues
let the scented breeze blow
and engulf me ever so softly
in the careless whispers of time
let me revel, let me rejoice
let me be born again
let me die


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

What does deliverance mean
is there peace somewhere
hidden from naked eye
beyond the distant horizon
waiting for me as my destiny
do I have to relinquish everything
do I have to walk alone
on the path shown by seers
does it even matter
why do we want to live in make believe
why are we so desperate
why do I think
why doesn't the chatter stop


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

thoughts

Some thoughts can be liberating,
some can make you weep
thoughts bind you in chains of slavery
where you toil hard to make sense of nothing
they weigh a tonn sometimes
and sometimes float like feathers
they are the enemy within

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Random thoughts

Had a strange thought, in a way I don't even own the moments of my own life. They are shared with a lot of people. the Good, the bad and the ugly. How can I talk about those moments, without being prejudiced. The truth is that my thoughts are my own, I don't owe them to anyone. but my experiences are not just my own. If I were to write aboutmyself I will have to write about people in my life. I am not sure that it is the right time for the same. It might be right time for me, but not for them.
I have to find will once again, or maybe for the first time. I have to find a cause. I have to define a reward system for myself devoid of any pretenses.
Till now I have seen all but pretenses. I have met people trying to help others working for NGO's trying to give back something to the community. but just below the surface I have always found lurking, some in-authenticity about them. As if they were chasing a different dream, but eneded up here and are fine with it.
I am unable to do that to myself, I know that I have limitations, I know that I am obsessed with self, I know that I demand perfection from myself. But just now, I am tired, very tired and don't seem to have the will to go on, the will to wage war. And by the way, war against whom??
My enemy is as nameless and as faceless as myself.
Will love bloom??
Who am I to say after all I am not the man in charge of "Garden of Eden"

We all have vices
Vices thrive in harmony, if you have one, be assured that you have the others too, they are just hidden beneath your skin, but they are there. And it is ok for them to be there. Without them you will no longer be a Human.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Recent Trip

 

I want to write something, but the words have the way of disappearing, when you need them the most. Thoughts become a hazy collage, and I get lost in the myriad of possibilities, all that could have been, all that are wishes and desires.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Silence

Can I kill he asked
the sun had just gone down
evening promised cool breeze
and a light shower to go along
love was in the air
and he had a gun in his hand
Can I kill he asked again
wait, replied the voice
keep walking some more
feel the breeze, feel the love
cannot feel them, he replied
children had come out
playing small meaningless games
so absorbed in what they did
without a care for tomorrow
taking life for granted
he crossed them on a trot
didn't have it in him to stop
Kill Kill Kill said the voice
he walked on
It was silence once again
he came to a park
lovers holding hands
elderly gathered in groups
some using the jogging track
Kill Kill Kill said the voice
he couldn't
his hands were rocks
his legs lead
his eyes fireballs about to explode
hi breath stale and sick
Kill Kill Kill
I cannot I cannot
you have to
this is where it ends
yes this is where it ends
clouds in his mind cleared
hands lifted themselves
bang
there were some shrieks as he fell
there was silence once again

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Blabber

teary eyes with a tear drop rolling down
and the voice that said, I am fine
the smile that said it all
the touch that sealed my fate
a love for the lovelorn
a symphony of wails
a requiem for a notion
and he fades away into a golden sunset

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Question

What am I doing with my life? This question crops up every now and then and has been on my radar for such a long time now that I have a strange kind of familiarity associated with it. But really, am I looking for a solution or just whiling away my time. Close to 11 at night, and waiting to get into an offshore call with onsite bosses, I ponder over it once again.
Something has to be done, something quick, something decisive.
Cannot keep my eyes closed anymore. Have to wake up.
Listen man..... this is a wake up call.
How many more of these are you going to need, you lazy bum

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Jala hai jism jahan, dil bhi jal gaya hoga
Kuredte ho jo ab raakh, justju kya hai
~ghalib

Epitaph

No better no worse
not a sage nor a devil
not a lesser man
nor a man enough
not a loser
nor a success
not a prodigy
nor senile
a bit depressed
a bit unwell
a bit dreamy
a bit weepy
like a breeze that flows
a flicker of light
lost in the thick of dark
a bundle of thoughts
and ideas
lost in translation

mostly harmless.
 

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

I have to apologize to myself...........
for being the foul mouth I never wanted to be
for becoming what I hate the most


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Jung Revisited

I again took the Jung's test and this time around I am more of a feeling type (whatevre that crap means) am actually an ambivert (50% introvert/50% extrovert)
so I am INFP or ENFP
INFP
creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

ENFP
outgoing, social, disorganized, easily talked into doing silly things, spontaneous, wild and crazy, acts without thinking, good at getting people to have fun, pleasure seeking, irresponsible, physically affectionate, risk taker, thrill seeker, likely to have or want a tattoo, adventurous, unprepared, attention seeking, hyperactive, irrational, loves crowds, rule breaker, prone to losing things, seductive, easily distracted, open, revealing, comfortable in unfamiliar situations, attracted to strange things, non punctual, likes to stand out, likes to try new things, fun seeker, unconventional, energetic, impulsive, empathetic, dangerous, loving, attachment prone, prone to fantasy

Career options
performer, actor, entertainer, songwriter, musician, filmmaker, comedian, radio broadcaster/dj, some job related to theater/drama, poet, music journalist, work in fashion industry, singer, movie producer, playwright, bartender, comic book author, work in television, dancer, artist, record store owner, model, freelance artist, teacher (art, drama, music), writer, painter, massage therapist, costume designer, choreographer, make up artist

&

poet, painter, freelance artist, musician, writer, art therapist, teacher (art, music, drama), songwriter, art historian, library assistant, composer, work in the perfoming arts, art curator, playwrite, bookseller, cartoonist, video editor, photographer, philosopher, record store owner, digital artist, cinematographer, costume designer, film producer, philosophy professor, librarian, music therapist, enviromentalist, movie director, activist, bookstore owner, filmmaker

Disfavoured Career
business professional, manager, executive, administrator, business owner, supervisor, office manager, business analyst, financial analyst, public relations manager, ceo, executive assistant, judge, event coordinator, lawyer, office worker

&

data analyst, scientist, researcher, financial advisor, business analyst, govt employee, office manager, mathematician, investment banker, office worker, computer tech, it professional, network engineer, strategist


Dunno what to make out of it, other than the fact that I might be in the wrong profession afterall :-)

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Simple pleasures of life

• Listening to a good Rock number and being tempted to head bang along with it.
• Getting high on pot and philosophising about life
• Sitting in silence with someone you want to be with
• Being in midst of Nature, on top of a hill, with your arms opened and you let the cloud pass through, small droplets on your eye lashes, wet hair and a rejunevated soul
• Driving my car to 160 Km/h, all my mind on the road
• Riding my bike to 120 Km/h on the way to office
  
• driving non-stop for hours, no thoughts in mind, nothing except the road ahead
• Getting a call from someone having blues and letting then know that this is not the end
• Calling up someone when I have blues and talking about things totally un-related.
• Reading good humour
• Reading a book that engrosses me so much that I become a part of the characters
• Watching movies and getting lost in the celluloid dreams
• Imagining ideal relationships, ideal humans, ideal society.
• Living in future
• Living in remote past
• Being comfortable with my dark self, relishing it, to the point of modest Narcissism

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Thinking about it

Some one who is doomed,
his days left for counting,
how would you know his pain?
How would you know
million little deaths he dies
every moment worse than before
how he conquers his mind
body and soul
and set course on a life
waiting for death
how would you know
the battles that rage
in the middle of his heart
tearing him apart
making him think
what he did
what he wanted to do
there is no second chance coming
there is no life anymore

you will feel the pain
but once
before it all ceases to matter

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Quoting Ghalib

Have been listening to a lot of Ghalib these days and man as always I have no doubts that the man rocks :-)

he would have been "the" rock-star, if only he was born a century and a half later....

Phir kuch ik dil ko bekarari hai

seena jo ya hai zakhmkaari hai

fir us hi bewafa pe marte hain

fir wahi zindagi hamari hai

Bekhudi be-sabab nahin Ghalib

Kuch to hai jiski parda-daari hai
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Adrenaline

love me hate me
hold me thrill me
kiss me kill me
make be bow down
strike that chord again
all you want is darkness
all you want is hope
all places you have been pierced
and painted and loved so much
and still you live on
don't give them the death they want
don't die when you are still young
I will be your boatman on styx
I won't even charge you the fare
but wait for your time to come

break me if you have to
kill me if you have to
I will be your shadow still
don't call the bluff on them
they don't care for it
all they want is something barbarous
don't play to them
don't play for them
you are a star
go be one in your own galaxy
no one knows what you are worth
nobody cares too
live it up star
and fly as high as you can
never say never again
never say die

yes I know some of it is a U2 song, but I couldn't care less.
Come to think of it palagarism is one of the best tributes one can give.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Eerie Silence

There is a eerie silence before the storm, then the gods of wrath descend and tear apart the fabric of life, continuity, saneness, that binds us together.
and then there is eerie silence once more

It feels that the storm has not abated still
the winds can start blowing any time now
trees will be uprooted and houses torn apart
Inhabitants will become vagabonds again
heavens will open up and cry floods
lightning will strike the place we hide

Eerie silence has descended on me
the void inside me is very quiet now
waiting for the next onslaught of emotions
waiting for the fury to be unleashed
can i drown in this slush of my own making
can i sleep for sometime before I burn



--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Sometimes life seems absolutely unbearable, other times it just sucks.... :-)
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Wake up

Wake up oh sleeping giant
wake up and steer your destiny
I know slumber is comforting
don't be beholden by land of nod though
eons have passed
all memories are distant smudges
on the windshield of time
all those who were with you
all those whom you loved
all those who were your world
all of them have moved on
everyone belongs
some in palaces
some in places far away
what do you crave for still
what do you wait for still
no one is waiting
stop searching for things in past
they are buried and lost
will never happen to you again
make the present pleasent
and future will be happy
don't turn into the bitter man
you are turning into
don't be sad
people will accompany you
they will adore you too
show them the way you are going
and start moving towards that horizon
Horizon of the promises
horizon beyond which
dreams come true
everything you touch turns to gold
everything you believe becomes real
yes the people won't be same
but dreams will be
someone else will walk alongside you
but you will walk too

wake up and get going
wake up for you are late
wake up for you are alone.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Jhoote vachan sab saari baatein

"I will be the father figure for your child" <when I have time ofcourse>
"I don't believe in marriage" <but I am married ofcourse>
"I will always be there for you" <though with someone else, or maybe on a different continent>
"you can call me anytime, you want to talk" <though in slices of 15 minutes>
"I will marry you" < I will induct you in the harem>
"There will always be a room for you where I live" < though you might not feel like dropping in, for where I live>
"I will never sleep with anyone except for you" <though I might go to 1st 2nd base> <once you are done, who needs to sleep with the person anyway>
"you are the most important person in my life" < Except for my wife and some ex flames of course>
"My choices are clear" <But I have to go ask for permissions from people in my past>
"I am confused" < You are no longer the single most important thing in my life>
"I am sorry that I happened to you" <I am sorry that you happened to me>
"Life is beautiful still" <I miss you, but don't care enough to let you know>
"Please forgive if I move on" <I am desperate for your attention>
"I will have to root out a few people from my life" <But I will always be available and accesible to them>
"I cannot hurt her anymore" <She will see the better of it, and I don't trust you>

"I love you"  <With a whole lot of "if then else" clauses>


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya