He is an Island

In a desert all alone,
where there had been life once,
allured by the radiance of  solitude,
he trudges along,
stepping on fossils,
from times gone by.
Waiting for a mirage to happen,
to seduce his senses to insanity,
so that life becomes bearable.
But the pain doesn't go away,
and he breaks down and wails,
for someone to end the misery,
but no one listens, nobody can,
for he is an island

When will she fly

have hit a writers block I guess, am not finding any inspiration to write something about the world anymore, or maybe I am concentrated too much on my own world. I have to bring order to chaos somehow, bring sanity back to my life.

when will she fly
the fledgling that is a bird now
testing out her wings
tasting the first fruits of flight
leaving behind the nest
she thought would be her home for life
she is preparing for the flight
when will she fly

there is just so much hurt one can take
and she is reaching the threshold fast
heavens will cry once more
when she takes the final flight

It had rained that night
just as someone had predicted
it had poured wild
as a million angels cried
her faith was lost
and never again will she believe
things cannot last
dreams cannot come true
at least not hers
as she looks up and asks
with the eyes of a child
why me, why me, why me
the child is not yet lost
but will soon be

Just Believe

An innocent face
redness in eyes
wild tresses
made more wild
by the blowing wind
a pained expression
smile that is lost
laughter like a brook
lost somewhere for now
lost she looks
incapable she calls herself
torn by love
she questions herself
"to what consequence"
"Why did you happen"
"why did you barge in"

All he can feel is tenderness
all he can feel is her pain
His pain is pushed back to oblivion
he is ready to die
for the tenderness that he sees in her
for the sense of belonging she brings in
for the love of his life
for his soul mate
for she made him see the beauty
for she told him what love was
for she is the precious
he doesn't want to possess her
just wants her to believe
just wants her to gather her torn wings
and take a flight
he cannot make her
she is her own master
he cannot guide her
for she knows better
he just wants her to see in herself
what she forgot as a child
he wants her to believe
believe in herself
believe in her strength
he prays for her to believe

Man in the mirror

Looked into his eyes
had the slithering look of a snake
looked at his face
had the vileness of the devil
felt his heart beat
could hear the booming loath
heard him breath
had the fire of hell in them
he was the man in the mirror
and I got scared of him
the ugliest of all that live
the scariest of all that move
the meanest of all that breath
If only I could
turn him inside out
make a hide of his skin
hang his guts to dry
let his flesh rot
let his eyes by gouged
let his heart fry
and keep him alive
to bear all this agony
would he have paid
the penance in part

How much loath can I handle

Every once in a while each one of us is forced to question the basic fabric of humanity that we claim to wrap around us. I have been forced to question the very basic aspect of my existence. Today I was forced to see the filth in me. I was forced to turn myself inside out and ponder about the only stated goal that I had for life for as long as I remember
"To grow into a good human being"
And today I found myself way short of the yard stick, I am prejudiced, jealous, full of envy and hatred. I am manipulative, cheat, hypocrite and basically an asshole.
What do I do about it? Don't know for now. Really don't know except for that fact that I am feeling like low-life scum, cheap, slutty and essentially very small. I feel the whole notion of having "inherent goodness" inside me shattered. I feel l am devil's advocate, only I am not good enough for that too.
I have not felt so loathsome about myself in ages.
And nothing seems to set it right, nothing..................................

--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin

Voyage

Have been low since yesterday, but then feeling low is relative, there are a few things that are finally dawning on me, there are a few things that I cannot push to the back burner anymore, I have to know and only then can I decide what course my life will take. Cannot have anyone decide that for me and I have to decide things considering my own limitations.

I have limitation of being Emotionally unstable and each and every time I try to overcome it, it just pushes me back to a more deep caveran. Lets see if I am triumphant this time or not :-)

 

Delhi has been OK, the audacity of the whole thing is that I am no longer interested in Delhi as a city. Another change that has come on me.

 

anyway whatever nevermind

Delhi

Am in Delhi, the city of hearts, I practically grew up in Delhi and have a special feeling for the same. I used to say

"Delhi hai dil waalon ki, albelon ki mastaano ki"

I don't know what I would be doing here for next so many days, but if I can have my way I would like to see all the places I knew as a kid, when I was growing up, the destinations include the house of my first GF (the place of pilgrimage I guess :-) ) and my school apart form the neighborhood I lived in. then i would like to visit all the monuments that I had visited as a kid, but a lot depends on my friend Smarth. He is not too keen on all this stuff I guess :-(

Probably I will let him go to office and take his Thunderbird and go grazing in Delhi :-)

--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin

Zindagi

Tanhaion ko dhoondna ek bahana hai
inmein kho jaana bas ek khwaish hai
kaun hona chahta hai asiir-e-khalwat
yeh koi shauk to nahin farmaane ke liye

chahta hoon koi dhoond le mujhko
palkon pe muza' iyan kare
mere har naaz ki parwah kare
mujhe kabhi koi zakhm na de

lekin shayad yeh mumkin nahin
lekin shayad yeh mumkni nahin

is hi wiiraane main dam tod doonga ek din
yahi maayusi mera sabab hai
yahi aawaragi meri zindagi

Chuppi

aankhein sab dekhti hain
dil sab samajhta hai
unko pata hai, humko pata hai
lekin hakikat koi bayaan nahin karta

jhulas rahe hain is aag main dono
zaban pe kuch aur dil main kuch
dhadkano main kuch
saanson main kuch
phir bhi chup hain hum tum
jhoot bhi chup
sach bhi chup
lab bhi chup
aankh bhi chup
sparsh bhi chup
muskaan bhi chup
intezaar bhi chup
khamoshi bhi chup
dhadkanein bhi chup
saansein bhi chup
gham bhi chup
khushi bhi chup

What has become of me

what has become of me
in this land of nonsense
where I trivialize myself
for the notion called love

why do I expect
what is not to be
why do I desire
what is not mine
why do I seek
what I call solace
why do I live
in a fools paradise
why do I get hurt
by frivolous gestures
why do I feel the pain
over lost causes

what has become of me
in this land of nonsense
where I hawk myself
for the fickleness of love

main aur meri tanhaai :-)

Went to railway station today after a loooooooooooong time. Or was it really long, well i don't care about that, for once I was going to see off someone. And this time the experience was different, I did not relive all the farewells I have said in life, It was OK to let go, probably because I have already let go of the person in question. But more importantly I got the feeling that life still goes on. It is one thing to say it, another to really feel it.
Tomorrow will be another day, and things that hold good today won't matter maybe. things that cling on and claw at heart won't be so bad. With passing time things tend to settle down.
Getting a grip, maybe I am
but is it worth anything, well time will surely tell.
but the Horizon looks brighter than ever and for sure it helps not to live in a world of dreams. Do what you want to do, don't dream. dreams seldom come true for there is so much left to fate, there is so much left to destiny, there is so much left to others. Act on what you believe and remember that you are all alone in your quest, what-so-ever it might be.
Lessons learnt.
1. It is OK to be alone
2. It is a bliss to be alone
3. Only alone can you do what your heart desires the most


--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin

Trying to get a grip

A part of me seems missing, eyes search for something, soul is in turmoil......
Why I ask myself, why the gloom, why this despair, why can't I be Normal anymore. Normal the word hits me. What is normal, I don't know anymore, probably I am normal right now, I am alright right now, or am I. Don't know. It is one of those days when how so ever much I write I am unable to purge myself of thoughts. thoughts that have come to haunt me. The feeling of being a vagabond is more strong than ever. The restlessness has settled in, I feel like I am on the edge, desperately waiting for someone to push me off the cliff, so that I can fall again, for falling is only thing I know to do gracefully.
Have a splitting headache, and cannot make sense out of simple things.
Have to get out of this, have to get a grip.
Don't know how, but I really have to get a grip.......
and the worst part is that I have to do it alone :-(

I am alive

The day has been ghastly
but I have survived
the desolation desperate
like a mast-less ship
at the high seas
with the anchor lost too
just waiting for fate
to toss and turn
and throw me to a shore
but the shore seems very distant
and chances of survival bleak
but for now I am alive

Requiem for a dream

a half wept tear
a silent wail
sorrow in voice
and tremor in stride
when all turns to dust
and all is washed away
the cause is lost
and so are feelings
trivial seems love
and loath rules
when darkness is effervescent
and soul drowns deep
let me sing then
requiem for a dream

there was peace
there was hope
there was love and
there was accord
the days were beautiful
the nights were starry
the wind that blew
was cool and soothing
I could see
the moon over the hillock
i could see
the sun rise from the east
there was gloom
but it was like clouds
and you were
the wind beneath my wings
i could soar high
or so I dreamed
but all that seems distant
and I am frail
am beaten and bruised
I cannot see the horizon
and fate makes me disconsolate

I still trudge along
still seek solace
but there is no hope now
just a morbid essence
of what could have been
the dream was just a dream maybe
and as i breath my last
I want to see for once
all I desired come true
but that is not to be
but that is not to be
but that is not to be

--
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
~Calvin