I think I am addicted to Ultracet, the painkiller I have been on for past 6 months, I get withdrawal symptoms if I don't have 2 tablets a day. But anyway I cannot live without it, because the pain is simply unbearable most of the times.

Slivers of despair

slivers of despair
scattered till horizon
isles of hope
invisible they are though
coarse sand of times
slowing the stride
wearing down life

Sooner or later

Will I always debate the futility of it all
or will the realization dawn on me somehow
I cannot contemplate for ever
something that is of no consequence what so ever
I need to shut off the lights
and go on towards the dark
shut off the brain and embrace oblivion
shun the life and make love to death
sooner or later, sooner why not

Good bye

Terse is not the name
for the note I got
distant, frail, tired is more like it
weeding out the past
to make a new beginning perhaps
a good bye I deserve though
or so I seem to believe

4th of July

Has been seven years since I started working, seven years since I moved out of college, seven years in which I saw life in its raw form, seven years that finally made me grow up and be myself.

perched precariously at crossroads
mind has decided the outcome of this one
heart is with mind on this one
have to take a step at a time
and fall towards the elixir called life
am excited and am nervous
am scared too, but am not afraid
pangs of mortals touch me now and then
I feel like a monolith, caught up in a storm
little do I care for the gusty winds
I know they will pass

conversation

i dunno am sort of depressed today

need for a simulating conversation is what I feel

or perhaps a quiet company

transitions are always tricky

they have their way of eating into you

nothing is decided, dunno where one is headed

but then the irony is that life it self is transitional in nature

sometimes I think I obsess too much about life

about birth, death and the goriness of existence in between

why don't other people do it

I see people blissfully unaware of all this

living life, planning for eons, for generations to come

people caught up is stupid trivialities of small issues

like what did the neighbor say, how did the relatives behave

trying to read between lines for each and everything

trying very hard to find meaning in a meaningless world

and they don't even know that they exist

they take that for granted

there is no effort to experience life

and then there are some, who are absolutely driven to succeed

what do they gain

I fail to understand this breed

running after money, though money is awesome to have

but still running madly in a race to make money

studying hard for exams

aiming for jobs

the more I try not to be part of this rat race

the more I get sucked in

I am learning to accept it, and not get upset over the fact that I seem to be losing out on some cheese, as I refuse to run like a hamster in a cage

sometimes I get upset and as soon as I realize what I am getting upset over I forgive myself :-) and move on

what a shit hole

how can anyone be happy

I wish I was like them, sometimes

but most of the times I wish they were all like me :-D

Slog Slog Slog...
and you know what, I am loving it...... :-)

pleasurably sinful

The poison of thoughts drinks me again
the wrath of individuality eats me up
smiles my heart though at all this
for I know am alive for sure
feel bliss each moment as it passes
relish each fragrance of passing season
joyful is each escapade I undertake
pleasurably sinful is life of mine

farewell o kid, for you are grown up now
no longer the carefree one,
no fight and make up anymore
innocence and faith will kill you here
learn malice and a crude tongue
utopia is a dream, let it be one
disturbia is the norm, embrace it now
love doesn't last, human spirit is a myth
what loss do you feel
what gain did you see
lost souls meet at a transit point
chaos rules and engulfs all
nothing you do would stop the change

Hope

dark is the shadow that fell
dark is the alley in which the shot rang
deep is the abyss in which he fell
no echo to be heard of his scream
no reverberations from the hard fall
no body suits, no white chalk marks
his face seems of ivory in moonlight
his blood soaked body, ebony
dead as one could be in death
he still longs for the sight to behold
dead as one is in death
he still hopes for the pair of hands
to wash him up
the pair of eyes to cry over him
dead as one is in death
he longs to be mourned
his head pressed against the bosom
and the arms to lay him to rest

streak of silver

Another evening with hues of red
merging into blue, blue morphing into grey,
Grey turning black marred with tiny specks of silver
I sit and watch this metamorphosis
my eyes lusting for a streak of silver
a falling star
want to wish my fortune on it
they say these wishes come true
a speck of dust, rushing to meet a mass of dirt
burnt before it can reach its destiny
a bright end to a splendid rush

Wheels are in motion again

Wheels are in motion again
clank clank
the gypsy in me is packing up
unsettling the settled
starting afresh
no want for hope
no desire for sorrow
subdued is the word
put my books in a box
pack my clothes in another
pangs of anxiety
flashes of excitement
charting a new way
away from all I know as real
gloom over loss
inertness over gain
the wheels are in motion again
clank clank

What lies on the other end, I know not
unable to figure the allure, yet I walk on
live recklessly die young, shall I ?
or confirm I will, one day of my life ?

Searching for a mirage
People tell him it is long gone
They have not seen her for ages
He keeps looking though
Unable to cull his hope
Arrives at the cave of the goddess
Has to squeeze in with great pain
The goddess does smile on him
The one he desires is close
Frantically he searches
Finds her hiding her face
She is much younger than he expected
Very frail too
They become one into a spider
And weave a strong web
Symbiotically woven into each other
And he is at peace
He wakes up from dream
Reality stings him into submission
The web torn and tattered
Symbiotic parasites
Feeding off each other
Till nothing is left of them
Then they pass each other as strangers

Need to cry overwhelms me now,
Nothing around me seems right.
I am sleep walking through everything,
will I ever wake up
Nothing to guide me
nothing to hold me back
I am at high seas
and don't know which way is land
should I set sail
or should I drop the anchor
hey but my anchor is lost too
some old memories occupy my mind
the future as I had seen it long time back
that future is so far gone
I cannot even imagine to fit it in
I have a blank slate in front of me
and I am too scared to draw anymore

Jee le Ishq main

I have been going crazy over this song :-) U me aur Hum, Jee le. I just hope the movie is as good as the music :-)

Jinko jinko bhi, milna hai likha, Ishq milaayega
Door door se, dhoond dhoond ke, paas le aayega
kahin bhi jaa ke chupo, ishq wahin aayega
kitna bhi na na karo, utha ke le jaayega
mano ya na mano, ye sari hi duniya,
is hi ke dam pe chale, jee le jee le ishq main
marna hai to a mar bhi le ishq main

Everybody Hurts

I love REM, I mean I don't know why I didn't listen too often to them before. And this song never ceases to move me.

I find myself .. in everyone

I find it so true to myself, this is the cause of half my troubles :-)
and finally someone pointed it out point blank, and I was stumped, couldn't help but post it.

"u find urself ... in everyone"

A Quote to remember

Some quotes make the day.
This one did it for me today :-)

On orkut profile, under "From my past relationships I learnt" => My life has been filled with terrible relationships; most of which never happened.

Thanks E.S. for beautiful quote

Gods that fell

pangs of loneliness
unholiness of worship
fallen gods becoming idols
idolaters seeking redemption
crass waste of endeavor
and yet it seems like yesterday
the silence is deafening
where once stood the revered
now stands a debauched figurine
some folks visit to see the lost glory
but all that is lost cannot be stated
it is gone like a puff of smoke
it is lost in the sands of time

Carrying on

Annual flower show is on at lalBagh, Bangalore's Botanical Garden, and I have promised myself to go visit at any cost. I was not able to make it this weekend though. I can give excuses, but the truth is that I get tired so easily now a days that there is nothing much I can do except for sleep and office.
I have to gather myself somehow and fight back, fight this Fibromyalgia and do what I want to do. All the plans of shooting short films have been put on hold, I have been doing some photography, but again my subjects are limited to what I can get hold of nearby. Travel has come to a stand still, last trip to Murudeshwar was a bit too taxing on my health. I had to take 3 days off from work to recover from the bout of immobility.
Headaches have become part and parcel and they have their own disabling effect.
But I am not going to give up that easy, I have to fight :-)
The problem is that I somehow wish it will go away and I will be magically cured. But I guess that will not happen.

my head is heavy
with thoughts of what could be
and what is not
I toil hard to get up
from the cozy confine of my bed
I can do with a dose of inspiration
I can do with a joint

A Blog about Nothing

I sit down to blog, to write something, the want to have something to day, something to share with the unknown readers, (who more often than not, never turn up) is overwhelming. I search my mind, all its depth, for something to write about, and I measure up the shallowness, because nothing comes up, nothing, Zilch.
I wonder if it is writer's block, then I ponder, am I a writer at all. Yes it is true that I have written a lot of poetry, some of it is beautiful, some of it is bearable, but all of it is very personal. I guess with poetry it has to be personal, and only someone going through the pain will ever understand the depth of thoughts the moment pen goes wild and words get a life of their own and poetry flows as if it was blood in my veins. None of the poems posted here were laboured over. all of them were written in a flow. So I guess I have a way with the words.
Should I write about the current issues? I don't feel up to it. the circus all around me is too self absorbed to serve any purpose writing about it.
So I can write about my passion, photography and music and movies and ideas I get for my movies. Nope. I like playing with them in my mind, the written medium kills the exuberance they have in my mind.
so what do I write about?
Nothing.....
that is what I have done in this post. I have written about Nothing.
And yes this was the original title of the blog.....
A Blog about Nothing.

Fibromyalgia

So I have Fibromyalgia, this is the latest diagnosis after a torrent of tests in last few days. Nothing came out positive, and yet the pain exists and is more disabling than ever.
Finally read about it here and it is a point by point description of all I have been through.
Phew at least now I know what I am suffering from.

Why am I sick

Somedays I feel like climbing to the top of a hill and screaming my lungs out, screaming about how I feel, how I hate being sick, how I am tired of trying to be good, how I hate myself.
Just then a voice inside my head says "Leave it man, who will do the hike"

I am sure there is a pattern here, my only problem I am not able to see it.
I am sure some good is coming out of me being perennially sick, but am not sure what is it.

Tomorrow I go to the doc again, and all he will say is that "there seems to be some infection, somewhere"
I am allergic to something, it might be Bangalore I guess.

subdued mind, trying to seek patterns
in the chaos that surrounds it
colorful pyramids of light
playing the cosmic music in abundance
they dance and they light up some insight
and then they vanish without a trace
the constant throbbing at temples
involuntary breathing and pain from severed nerves
eyes with grainy vision
an itch where I cannot reach and scratch
an itch where it hurts the most

Appetite for crying

While commuting to office and back I hope there would be lots and lots of traffic on Bangalore roads, so that I can get more time to turn up the volume and listen to songs from TZP [Taare Zameen Par], and cry my heart out, in the privacy of my car, sunglasses shielding my eyes :-)
Have been doing this since Sunday, and I can't seem to stop the tears each time I listen to the music.
Kholo Kholo, Mera Jahan, Maa and Jame Raho, these are my favourites form the soundtrack and I have not gotten tired of listening to them again and again.

Another Sunset

Kholo Kholo - Taare Zameen Par

Kholo Kholo Darwaze
Parde Karo Kinare
Khuntey Se Bandhi Hai Hawa
Mil Ke Chhudao Saare

Aajao Patang Leke
Apney Hi Rang Leke
Aasmaan Ka Shamiyana
Aaj Hamein Hai Sajana

Kyun Is Kadar Hairaan Tu
Mausam Ka Hai Mehmaan Tu
O, Duniya Sajee Tere Liye
Khud Ko Zara Pehchaan Tu

Tu Dhoop Hain Cham Se Bikhar
Tu Hai Nadee O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jahan Teri Toh Manzil Hai Wahin

O, Kyun Is Kadar Hairaan Tu
Mausam Ka Hai Mehmaan Tu

Baasi Zindagi Udaasi
Taazi Hasney Ko Raazi
Garma Garma Saari
Abhi Abhi Hai Utaari

O, Zindagi To Hain Patasha
Meethi Meethi Si Hai Aasha
Chakh Le Rakh Le
Hatheli Se Dhak Le Ise

Tujh Mein Agar Pyaas Hai
Baarish Ka Ghar Bhi Pass Hai
O, Roke Tujhe Koi Kyon Bhala
Sang Sang Tere Aakash Hai

Tu Dhoop Hain Cham Se Bikhar
Tu Hai Nadee O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jahan Teri Toh Manzil Hai Wahin

Khul Gaya Aasmaan Ka Rasta Dekho Khul Gaya
Mil Gaya Kho Gaya Tha Jo Sitara Mil Gaya, Mil Gaya

O, Roshan Hui Saari Zameen
Jagmag Hua Saara Jahaan
Udne Ko Tu Azad Hai
Bandhan Koi Abh Hai Kahan

Tu Dhoop Hain Cham Se Bikhar
Tu Hai Nadee O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jahan Teri Toh Manzil Hai Wahin

O, Kyun Is Kadar Hairaan Tu
Mausam Ka Hai Mehmaan Tu

Taare Zameen Par

If you are going to watch just one Hindi movie this year, let this be your choice and trust me you won't come out disappointed. A Brilliant film, that put all my apprehensions about Amir Khan's directorial debut to rest from the very first frame, and it never ever slipped, not even once.
Mera to saara childhood hi revise ho gaya. I was absolutely high strung after watching the movie and still am after having slept over it. It is not a sad film, it is an overwhelming experience.
It was amazing to watch what I have always believed in, being played on screen,
and all I could do was wish that a character like Nikumbh Sir would have been part of my life.
Each and every moment in the movie is worth cherishing. the antics of eshaan, his insecurities his fears. This is not a film about dyslexia, This is a movie about childhood and all the fantastic voyages we all took back then.
If you want to know just how vulnerable a child can get, get off your ass and go watch this movie.

And the music is simply superb. I know I am running out of superlatives, but this movie deserves that.