Mortal Struggle

Something is not right

I am sure 

or I am delusional paranoid

hard to say which one it is

mind won't let me rest

heart ready to explode

or implode perhaps

hard to say which one it is

Immerse my senses or run fast

numb my senses or pretend

feel so alive, oh the pain

am I really alive, oh the pain

moments of bliss, welcome breeze

agony, misery, masochism in the same vein

bound, trapped yet freer than ever

loved, accepted yet lonelier than ever

count my blessings they say

flickering glow of a firefly

hope and despair

light and dark

mortal fight with mortal dilemmas

immortal path to immortal ideals

limits of body and limits of mind

limit transcendence, limit my life

soul free of vessel, I seek

pure consciousness 

devoid of pain

pure love, hope and peace incarnate

Vagabond, thats who

A vagabond, thats who

Searching for what

Elated and devastated

Alone yet with company

perpetrator  and sufferer alike

Lost in this life and that too

Looked for love, found illusions

Cherished and abandoned 

No grudges to hold

Trampled and misunderstood

Taken for granted and judged

No judgement or vengeance sought

A fool who believed the fable

Longing to belong

Undoing all

Labelled yet again

A vagabond, thats who

Ignorance is Bliss

How does it come to pass that the most authentic people feel like frauds to themselves?
It is because they are striving for a higher standard than anyone around them?
People who care about the dichotomy of thoughts, who hang on the hons of dilemma. People who don't like having double standards, people who take reality for what it is.
Why do such people have the worst of fights inside of them? when everyone around them is not even aware of the fake and double lives they are living.
I guess ignorance is truly bliss.

Pain so sweet

Heart in a blender

Feeling as raw as one could

seething mass of emotions

like big waves at a stormy sea

need to dive deep

away from the churn

find the pearls of wisdom

that bind us within

fickle mind treads on surface

eludes from peace to be had

to many what ifs and why nots

fight them all though I do

they keep coming back

and drown me out

I die and am reborn

with faith still intact

calm doesn't last long 

blender goes churning again

feels like purgatory of sorts

with heaven and hell in balance

give me strength give me wisdom

give me patience and let me be

show me how I can heal

give me fortitude, and gleaming hope

lift my blinds and let me run

make it bearable, this pain so sweet

for I want to live till it bears fruit

Find me some solace please

Pretending to be alright

with my heart in a vice

hazy vision, clouded thoughts

laboured breaths, heavy feet

a low that seems to drown

smile on my face

and a welcome song in heart

I force myself to hum

tone deaf cheery tune
every moment a fight 

denial of negativity

hope that i sow

it crumbles before it finds root

yet I keep sowing

waiting for benevolent rain

drench me in your essence

make me see what I see not

guide me, help me, rescue me

prayers after a long pause

not to lose self to dark

show me a glimmer

a light i can follow on

tell me to have heart

tell me it will be alright

remind me to love

remind me to live

remind me to be

Some Vs Most

Some days, things I will never be, bother me

Most days, things I am supposed to be, do motivate

Some days, the agony of desire derails me

Most days, I am able to keep a sane head

Some days, need for a warm body overwhelms

Most days, need for an understanding soul dominates

Some days, lows fog my brain and I yearn for light

Most days, light you shine sees me through

Why

What goes up, has to come down

Circles must be completed

Life must be celebrated

Misery must be endured

Melancholy must be embraced

Squalid quagmires of present reveled

Hope and faith nurtured

Belief for a deliverance nurtured

Overwhelmed by the tall ask

Knowing what the heart wants

Song that soul yearns for

Embrace that is truly mine

Love waiting beyond the chasm

Mind livid with current excess

Being sounds like a wail

Stars that guide don’t give warmth

Not just yet anyways

And the lows engulf, desolation descends

Darkness dances, eyes well over

Rage within wants the world to burn

Voices inside question existence

Why suffer, oh why at all

Why pretend to play

Make believe happiness

Live off the fumes at all

One Last Stand

Surrounded by shroud of haze

One can't see both ways

What's in mind cannot be felt

What I feel cannot be conveyed

What can be conveyed cannot be acted on

A spiral sucking me into its vortex

Coming undone is easy

Staying whole a different ball game

To make a blind leap requires faith

Belief isn't easy to come by though

Auto tuned to desecrate

Heart is frivolous, needs to be tamed

Mind over matter

Light over darkness

Love over indifference

Stoic in the face of misery

Blossoms over the gloom of winter

Soul knows what it wants, but knowing isn't living

Here I sit and let the time go by

A stream of memories never made

Remembrances like dreams they come

Vivid and abstract at the same time

I can feel the emotions yet the specifics elude me

Wish to be done with stronger than ever

Harp on all the goodness

The vile me lies hidden

Waiting to catch me off guard

Looking to square it off

Yet I stand brave and tall

Ready for one last stand

He saw a prayer once.

He saw a prayer once

She was pretty and innocent still

An ode to gods and their creation

A garland of wishes, a bouquet of devotion

Hopes for bounty, affirmation to beliefs. 

Serenity of acceptance, certainty of fate

Heart ripe with emotions, soul that is content. 

She saw him too and accepted his gratitude.

Shall We

Shall we shall we

Play the game shall we

I play dumb you play mute

Both play blind and both play crude

I saw your web

I saw you tease

I saw you try hard to please

I heard you laugh

I heard you cry

Till those damn tears turned dry

In the lair so deep

Rotting away in sleep

Endless ego senseless mind

Breathless body in a bind

Battered and bruised by daily grind 

Wake up wake up

Sun is up and stars are lost

Dreamers are done cutting cost

In the offing is something new

Known only to a select few

Treasure hunter and storm chasers

All gather to build a phaser

Target locked destruction decided

People of power won't be chided

No one fight was ever one sided

Delusion

Delusion is important. Without Delusion there is no greatness. Think of any visionary, were they not called delusional? Love is delusion but without love nothing is possible. Faith is delusion, belief is delusion, the world we live in, the world we crave for, all delusions.
We can't do without it, we are all delusional.

Pain that is love ❤️

Being in love is experiencing pain
Pain that doesn't die out
Even when love does.

Ghalib got it so right!!!

Mohabbat me nahi hai farq jeene aur marne ka
Usi ko dekh kar jeete hain, jis kaafir pe dum nikle. 


Think of it, there really is no difference between the feeling of longing for someone or a low that descends on you when depressed. Only silver lining is perhaps the fact that you can do wishful thinking while pining away and make it enjoyable (in a masochist kind of way).

Essence of Sadness

Nothing is sad till its over
Then everything is

- Dr Who

More than a decade

Has been more than a decade
Wheels were set in motion
Life was to be lived
Love was to be won
Norms had to be broken
I wasn't alone, or was I
couldn't get out unscathed
yet lived on, for better or worse

now all I want is to be in the moment
scared to feel, scared to fall
constantly on guard
loss makes one understand
the true nature of yearning
and vividness of regrets
and desperateness for a time machine
and finally acceptance dawns
yet the loss is still so real
in the nightmares that visit
wake up soaked in sweat
crying and heaving still

If I could apologize, I would
If I could burn the world
I would
If I could forgive myself
I should

Prayer

Wish I could cry out loud

All I want is to cry
To let the cathartic wave engulf me
Tears they don't flow any more
If only I could shed a few
All the low stacked up
Wants to ebb over and flow
If only it could have the passage

SAPPY

Some days, they are exceptionally bad

today being one

I know why I am low

but don't see a point to it

all I can do is listen to Sappy and feel more low.

He'll keep you in a jar,
And you'll think you're happy...
He'll give you breathing holes,
And you'll think you're happy...
He'll cover you with grass,
And you'll think you're happy...  

Such is life

To weave a story, where there is none
A malady, an anomaly
but life is such

फूँक दे

This songs reverberates so well with what I feel right now. 

जब नशा टूटता है 

कितने टुकड़े गिरे हैं

होश चुनने लगे हम 

हम भी क्या सिर फिरे हैं 

लब पर जल रही है 

वो बात फूँक दे 

होंठों से रात की 

यह राख फूँक दे 

हयात फूँक दे

हवास फूँक दे 

साँस से सिला हुआ लिबास फूँक दे। 

~ankit

_____________

sent from mobile

life as I want it

craziness should abate

life should get to normal

stoic me should prevail

don't need love

don't need malice

enough of mediocrity

no bleeding hearts

may the gushing stop

like a soft putty I shall mold

and then in inferno I shall burn

to come out strong and tall

won't give in

won't let go of life as I want it

Yearning

Soar up in the sky

leave the horizons behind

venture into the void beyond

it feels a lot like one inside of me

vast expanse of nothing

bogged down by inconsequential tidbits

but they tease me and make me yearn

make me want to want some more

beyond the first star

the second and the third

the count goes on

lost in near infinity

trying to find my way home

where is home

it used to be here but no more

it used to be there but no more

an acid trip to get back home

to get back to the love and the pain

move on now, says ground control

there is nothing to move on to

says the voice in my head

traces of a dream linger on

she had revealed the intimate secret

I saw her with vermilion

didn't register it was for me

saw two boys and a happy extended family

like heaven that would never be

and then it fades to oblivion

still fighting demons I fought

trying to be strong when I am not

brave when I am not

feet primed to run

I am rooted to the vision

a lonely oddball among stars

no unsolicited love

no solicited sorrow

just plain abstract agony

and emotions too strong

emptiness inside me that yearns

and yearns and yearns some more

Reach out

Sometimes you reach out to share, share how you feel, how everything seems futile, how you are losing the battle of sanity, how you would like to be.

Sometimes this is all one can do.

and most times there is no one to reach out to

यहीं कहीं ज़िंदा हूँ अभी

यहीं कहीं ज़िंदा हूँ अभी 

तुझे देखे की ख़ातिर शायद

दिल की धड़कने टूटी नहीं 

आँखों की आस भी बाक़ी है 

शायद एक दिन तू मिल भी जाए

साँस का रुकना बाक़ी है अभी

सुबह को तेरी याद, रात को तेरी फ़रियाद

हाथ बढ़ाऊँ और छू लूँ तुझे 

यह ख़्वाब भी बाक़ी है अभी 

सीने में समा न पायें

सब अरमान बाक़ी हैं अभी 

यहीं कहीं ज़िंदा हूँ अभी 

तेरे मिलने की उम्मीद मैं शायद 

Gold at the end of rainbow

I see you, in every breath I take

sitting next to me

oblivious of my pain

like a veiled dagger

piercing my soul

that embarrassed smile

those bright eyes

play that we make

things that I do

thoughts I wish I could project

to embrace you to oblivion

die next moment

nothing unique

nothing new

peak of intensity though

didn't know I could feel it again

was safe and forgotten wasn't I

melancholy but sane

low but balanced

broken but trudging along

lonely, yes a lot

like an acid trip kicking in

you make all this beautiful, yet unbearable

wish I could cry

tears, they dried up long time back

infatuations don't last they say

mine do and don't go away

please be gone

let me breathe easy again

let me not know what i miss

let me not worship the idea of you

cause notions are all I have chased

and none had gold at end of rainbow

Motive

Why is love so hard

why does love change at all

why do we yearn 

why is silence a premium

why do we find ourselves tied

why oh why

when life is but a fleeting moment

all you stand for will turn to dust

years from now no one will know

no one will bother

why can't we be the way we want to be

desiring someone with all you have

missing someone will all you are worth

lovers all done and gone

lovers to be in waiting

it is not that my love is fickle

I just feel and want to live a bit more

to possess someone is fleeting

to catch that fleeting moment

and live a lifetime in it is the motive

Numb

I just want to numb the pain, thats all

don't mean to run, don't mean to hide

don't want to hurt, don't want to be found out

don't want a high, don't want a low

I just want to numb the pain, thats all

dreams, they make the loss so real

relived I have, over and over

the agony I can't share

the truth I cannot speak

the love I cannot expect

the loss I cannot accept

and the pain goes throbs on

I can't think of anything else

I just want to numb the pain, that's all

Bright Side

Bemoan the fate as you will

the emptiness would still eat you away

futility of existence and facade of importance

the glitter of attention and tears of oblivion

loath of loneliness and fear of attention

no one can feel you, no one can understand

people would claim they do

but don't you pretend otherwise

An emotional mess, a tangled self

the inner calm when you embrace the death

to be part of someone's final journey

to bathe them and dress them 

and then offer them to fire

the calm you saw on the face

the lifeless body of an illustrious man

some mourn, some pay respect

all move on, life is death

Nothing is static, not even misery

a lot is gained and all is lost

the material you possess

the dress you like

the expensive gold watch 

and that beautiful sapphire

your favourite son, your beloved daughter

your loving wife and all your lovers

strings holding you down

strings waiting to be snapped

look at the bright side though,

there is none

Dope Rambling

After a very long time, I am stoned again, and ready to my mind wander. I am going to let it wander while I stay oddly unmoved, in the centre of it all. It is as if I can suspend ego and think like a human. a fair human if you may. Yet again I start building the illusions of grandeur, but the current "state of being" doesn't let me do that. It strips me to bones, my bones, bare bones. Bones that are naked with the shallowest and the basest of of human emotions on display. It reduces me to the animal in me. And strangely I can empathise with my ugly self, but I know that this is not it.

I know that something better can happen and will happen. Isn't it odd, that egoless state is hopeful? but perhaps not. Think of it. Ego has not really succeeded in getting what it wants, ever. one always had to pay the "big" price for ego, so ego has to be cynical. It is existential for ego to be cynical. A rising star, in early stages of "the rising", might have had a positive and hopeful ego. But I ain't one. So for me, cynical is a survival tool. But if I can let go of ego and let it be, I can be positive and hopeful.. And that is the space I want to be at right now. Ego is a tricky thing though. The reason of having an ego is perhaps to encourage survival. Survival against barbaric world. Some day, when the world has ceased to be barbaric, else extinct, our present ego will be a relic of our animal past. The ego on display then would be far more complex. To be alive and conscious will have a very different meaning. It would not be about survival, but about harmony. I think true objectivity might then be possible. But not today, not tomorrow, eons must pass before that could happen, i.e. if we survive.

Ok mind, now canter off to some new quest. Find me something to think of, Find me something profound yet very intuitive. Such that the answer is staring at us, yet we fail to see.

I believe earth has gone to ruins multiple times and there is no way to say how-many-times-and-how. Everything on earth eventually gets recycled. Each chunk of land is sent back to core, to be forged again as a virgin land. All the material is broken down to elemental state churned inside out. The oldest of life forms, which by the way, might have been more advanced than us, won't have a trace left. Time is immaterial to a dirt ball called earth. It existed before us and hopefully it will exist long after us.

Woven by life to stay alive

Strange dreams a strange bearings
not sure if it is good bad or ugly
waking up disoriented
coming from a world far removed
people I once knew
people I once cared about
all had become strangers
the void within screaming out loud
love lust passion, all lost
just this thing with hope though
it doesn't know death yet

Hope of warmth was there
Hope of peace at last
hope of forgiveness,
from me, of me, for me.
Hope that dreams can be realised
hope that life is special
hope that hope will survive

All mirages, all facades
woven by life to stay alive

Who am I to ask

Oh the fine feeling of despair
hits in again and makes me take note
of all that is lost and all that will be
nothing static yet all in circles
what has come to pass will happen again
and again and again and again
hard to let go tougher to fight
oblivion is not so easy any more
paradise in waiting
and I float on clouds
oh wait, is it that hangover again
hangover of a high
a low that creeps up unawares
and draws the last ounce of your soul
no soul, no hope, no deliverance
just a sadness beyond comprehension
sit and stare at walls
or star outside the window all you want
this will not pass
and if it does, it will come back again
in circles
more like spiral
each subsequent one drawing you deeper in misery

How long can a man be lost
who am I to ask…...