Jee le Ishq main

I have been going crazy over this song :-) U me aur Hum, Jee le. I just hope the movie is as good as the music :-)

Jinko jinko bhi, milna hai likha, Ishq milaayega
Door door se, dhoond dhoond ke, paas le aayega
kahin bhi jaa ke chupo, ishq wahin aayega
kitna bhi na na karo, utha ke le jaayega
mano ya na mano, ye sari hi duniya,
is hi ke dam pe chale, jee le jee le ishq main
marna hai to a mar bhi le ishq main

Everybody Hurts

I love REM, I mean I don't know why I didn't listen too often to them before. And this song never ceases to move me.

I find myself .. in everyone

I find it so true to myself, this is the cause of half my troubles :-)
and finally someone pointed it out point blank, and I was stumped, couldn't help but post it.

"u find urself ... in everyone"

A Quote to remember

Some quotes make the day.
This one did it for me today :-)

On orkut profile, under "From my past relationships I learnt" => My life has been filled with terrible relationships; most of which never happened.

Thanks E.S. for beautiful quote

Gods that fell

pangs of loneliness
unholiness of worship
fallen gods becoming idols
idolaters seeking redemption
crass waste of endeavor
and yet it seems like yesterday
the silence is deafening
where once stood the revered
now stands a debauched figurine
some folks visit to see the lost glory
but all that is lost cannot be stated
it is gone like a puff of smoke
it is lost in the sands of time

Carrying on

Annual flower show is on at lalBagh, Bangalore's Botanical Garden, and I have promised myself to go visit at any cost. I was not able to make it this weekend though. I can give excuses, but the truth is that I get tired so easily now a days that there is nothing much I can do except for sleep and office.
I have to gather myself somehow and fight back, fight this Fibromyalgia and do what I want to do. All the plans of shooting short films have been put on hold, I have been doing some photography, but again my subjects are limited to what I can get hold of nearby. Travel has come to a stand still, last trip to Murudeshwar was a bit too taxing on my health. I had to take 3 days off from work to recover from the bout of immobility.
Headaches have become part and parcel and they have their own disabling effect.
But I am not going to give up that easy, I have to fight :-)
The problem is that I somehow wish it will go away and I will be magically cured. But I guess that will not happen.

my head is heavy
with thoughts of what could be
and what is not
I toil hard to get up
from the cozy confine of my bed
I can do with a dose of inspiration
I can do with a joint

A Blog about Nothing

I sit down to blog, to write something, the want to have something to day, something to share with the unknown readers, (who more often than not, never turn up) is overwhelming. I search my mind, all its depth, for something to write about, and I measure up the shallowness, because nothing comes up, nothing, Zilch.
I wonder if it is writer's block, then I ponder, am I a writer at all. Yes it is true that I have written a lot of poetry, some of it is beautiful, some of it is bearable, but all of it is very personal. I guess with poetry it has to be personal, and only someone going through the pain will ever understand the depth of thoughts the moment pen goes wild and words get a life of their own and poetry flows as if it was blood in my veins. None of the poems posted here were laboured over. all of them were written in a flow. So I guess I have a way with the words.
Should I write about the current issues? I don't feel up to it. the circus all around me is too self absorbed to serve any purpose writing about it.
So I can write about my passion, photography and music and movies and ideas I get for my movies. Nope. I like playing with them in my mind, the written medium kills the exuberance they have in my mind.
so what do I write about?
Nothing.....
that is what I have done in this post. I have written about Nothing.
And yes this was the original title of the blog.....
A Blog about Nothing.

Fibromyalgia

So I have Fibromyalgia, this is the latest diagnosis after a torrent of tests in last few days. Nothing came out positive, and yet the pain exists and is more disabling than ever.
Finally read about it here and it is a point by point description of all I have been through.
Phew at least now I know what I am suffering from.

Why am I sick

Somedays I feel like climbing to the top of a hill and screaming my lungs out, screaming about how I feel, how I hate being sick, how I am tired of trying to be good, how I hate myself.
Just then a voice inside my head says "Leave it man, who will do the hike"

I am sure there is a pattern here, my only problem I am not able to see it.
I am sure some good is coming out of me being perennially sick, but am not sure what is it.

Tomorrow I go to the doc again, and all he will say is that "there seems to be some infection, somewhere"
I am allergic to something, it might be Bangalore I guess.

subdued mind, trying to seek patterns
in the chaos that surrounds it
colorful pyramids of light
playing the cosmic music in abundance
they dance and they light up some insight
and then they vanish without a trace
the constant throbbing at temples
involuntary breathing and pain from severed nerves
eyes with grainy vision
an itch where I cannot reach and scratch
an itch where it hurts the most

Appetite for crying

While commuting to office and back I hope there would be lots and lots of traffic on Bangalore roads, so that I can get more time to turn up the volume and listen to songs from TZP [Taare Zameen Par], and cry my heart out, in the privacy of my car, sunglasses shielding my eyes :-)
Have been doing this since Sunday, and I can't seem to stop the tears each time I listen to the music.
Kholo Kholo, Mera Jahan, Maa and Jame Raho, these are my favourites form the soundtrack and I have not gotten tired of listening to them again and again.

Another Sunset

Kholo Kholo - Taare Zameen Par

Kholo Kholo Darwaze
Parde Karo Kinare
Khuntey Se Bandhi Hai Hawa
Mil Ke Chhudao Saare

Aajao Patang Leke
Apney Hi Rang Leke
Aasmaan Ka Shamiyana
Aaj Hamein Hai Sajana

Kyun Is Kadar Hairaan Tu
Mausam Ka Hai Mehmaan Tu
O, Duniya Sajee Tere Liye
Khud Ko Zara Pehchaan Tu

Tu Dhoop Hain Cham Se Bikhar
Tu Hai Nadee O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jahan Teri Toh Manzil Hai Wahin

O, Kyun Is Kadar Hairaan Tu
Mausam Ka Hai Mehmaan Tu

Baasi Zindagi Udaasi
Taazi Hasney Ko Raazi
Garma Garma Saari
Abhi Abhi Hai Utaari

O, Zindagi To Hain Patasha
Meethi Meethi Si Hai Aasha
Chakh Le Rakh Le
Hatheli Se Dhak Le Ise

Tujh Mein Agar Pyaas Hai
Baarish Ka Ghar Bhi Pass Hai
O, Roke Tujhe Koi Kyon Bhala
Sang Sang Tere Aakash Hai

Tu Dhoop Hain Cham Se Bikhar
Tu Hai Nadee O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jahan Teri Toh Manzil Hai Wahin

Khul Gaya Aasmaan Ka Rasta Dekho Khul Gaya
Mil Gaya Kho Gaya Tha Jo Sitara Mil Gaya, Mil Gaya

O, Roshan Hui Saari Zameen
Jagmag Hua Saara Jahaan
Udne Ko Tu Azad Hai
Bandhan Koi Abh Hai Kahan

Tu Dhoop Hain Cham Se Bikhar
Tu Hai Nadee O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jahan Teri Toh Manzil Hai Wahin

O, Kyun Is Kadar Hairaan Tu
Mausam Ka Hai Mehmaan Tu

Taare Zameen Par

If you are going to watch just one Hindi movie this year, let this be your choice and trust me you won't come out disappointed. A Brilliant film, that put all my apprehensions about Amir Khan's directorial debut to rest from the very first frame, and it never ever slipped, not even once.
Mera to saara childhood hi revise ho gaya. I was absolutely high strung after watching the movie and still am after having slept over it. It is not a sad film, it is an overwhelming experience.
It was amazing to watch what I have always believed in, being played on screen,
and all I could do was wish that a character like Nikumbh Sir would have been part of my life.
Each and every moment in the movie is worth cherishing. the antics of eshaan, his insecurities his fears. This is not a film about dyslexia, This is a movie about childhood and all the fantastic voyages we all took back then.
If you want to know just how vulnerable a child can get, get off your ass and go watch this movie.

And the music is simply superb. I know I am running out of superlatives, but this movie deserves that.

The Bad Touch

Love the lyrics of this song, have been humming it ever since I heard it.

Jaadu

Raagapella – Jaadu Teri Nazar

Still on Nat geo

To all the guys who think that they are perverts or over-obsessed with sex {which we all are}, relax. We are far better than males of a particular species, who are literally on a suicide mission to get laid.
yes I am talking about black widow spider.

Mating Dance

Ever watched Nat Geo, when they play those animal kingdom mate stories? Well I did and had a blinding flash of an insight.
Males of all species participate in a primal ritual labeled "mating dance" to woo the female of the species. They go to great lengths and odds to stand out as the best mate a female can get.
We as humans, are supposed to be intelligent, but just look at us, we have the most complex mating dance of all times.
It is called Marriage.

Trainspotting

I so loved this that I had to post it.
This sums up everything one can do in ones mediocre life....

shared intimacies and a lonesome whisper
love that blooms and withers on cue
where no one is just your own
every moment shared with a select few
all travellers converge at one port
no one owns it, no one can claim to
his was a journey so defiant
he crossed the desert to arrive
another one swam across oceans
yet another bled his heart out
all converge at the mecca of their calling
and pray for the boons to be bestowed
It was long ago, but still it seems fresh
the blood is still hot as it was in veins
imagination riots in unimaginable directions
each one reason for his own misery
like the strings plucked in harmony
they weep the music of their souls
no other tribute will do
no other sacrifice will register

This is hilarious

Pain is all mine

Open the door and usher in some light
watch the dismal darkness fade away
question your sorrow, your beliefs
ponder what was good, forget the bad
bury the visions that haunt you
they are but ghosts of time gone by
no one to speak to, nothign to speak about
all that ails me is in my head
a smoke filled room, where I cannot breath
a lost love that I can't feel
blind to plight of people around me
I walk like the ghost of my dreams
obsessed with self and all that i desire
time heals all and time is my recluse
but till that happens, pain is all mine

Nightmares

Dreams, they strike again
or should i call them nightmares
themes beyond comprehension
days spent deliberating the subconscious
relationships of hate and betrayal
and yet they hurt so much
as the days go by
and the dust starts to settle
there is just devastation to be seen
as far as one could see

Winter is setting in

did you see the leaves fall
the clutter on the roads
all the shades of brown and yellow

the winter would be long this year

I don't dread the cold
nor do I fear the depressing mornings
brooding afternoons are welcome
as are restless evenings
but there is no spring in offing
no promise of summer as far as i can see

the winter would be long this time around

the chill is setting in my bones
my heart has gone all but cold
some times there is a flutter at the core
but thaw is no more in sight
the clots are beginning to form
the hurt oozes out of wounds still
each passing day is endearing
each morbid thought welcome
the hush after the rush
the summer that lasted a bit too long

the winter promises to last a long time too

Weekend getaway

Diwali - Festival of Lights

Marlboro Lights


555 Lights


B&H Lights

Racing along

I have been thinking about this one incident for quite some time now. am not able to get it out of my mind. I don't know how I came to remember it, It just flashed in my mind as I was driving down to office after a whole week of being sick.
I would have been in 4th or 5th standard, so that means i would have been 8 or 9 year old. School was having the annual sports day, and this was the first time we were taken out from school premises to a big ground somewhere near the school. I remember being excited, because I had my birthday approaching.
anyway, it was 100m or maybe 50m race that I lined up to participate in. I had a friend, Manish Kr Sinkoo, standing next to me. I started running along with other kids, and soon everyone started getting ahead of me, i ran as hard as I could, but it was no good, I was not good enough. I called Manish to wait, he wouldn't listen and when i felt him getting away too, I held him. I held his arm and tried to stop him, he yelled out to some teacher for help, and yanked his arm away from me.
I had tears in my eyes, no breath in my lungs, legs giving way under me.
I think Abhishek Rawat won the race, Manish Kr Sinkoo lost out because of me. I don't remember if I completed the race.

Shadow of a Ghost

Have written a million words
still there is want for more
have wandered a thousand miles
still no destiny in sight
each day pegs a new hope
some of it denial
some of it pure hope
struggle to keep my sanity
fails me at times
there is life and love beyond lucidity
so i like to believe
the smoldering bars keep me captive
scare of burns keeps me in check
scarred beyond recognition
I try to find myself in mirror
witness I do, a shadow of a ghost

Untouched, Unfazed, Unmoved
A place to rest, re-vitalize
fill up the venom before another crusade
Forget all, remember self, just the self
No love no hate, couldn’t care any less
Caught amidst strangers, but stranger to none
Long lost look in the eyes again
Amnesia in setting, peace in offing
How long will it last
Hope for a lifetime…………..