The End

sab khaak main mil gaya hai
kuch bhi nahin bacha hai ab
kya dekhte ho is manzar ko
jise tum jaante the
woh ab nahin hai ither
bahut behaal tha woh
bahut roya bhi tha
tumhein shayad pukara bhi tha
lekin aatish se khel raha tha woh
aatish main bhasm ho gaya woh


To be born again, one has to die,
I have grieved enough
So much so that all I feel is agony
clawing at my heart
wanting to cut me open
like a piece of metal in my brain
I have suffered enough
and I think it is time to move on

Everything that has a beginning has an end
this is the end..........

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Paradise Lost

I have a whole lot of work, but all my thoughts are converged on her.........

sprawling greens in midst of concrete jungle
ruins of bygone era,ushering in nostalgia
life at breakneck speed
frolicking aristocrats
loitering politicians
a place where you need to know "someone"
a place that was once close to my heart
I weep for Delhi today
I weep for paradise lost
The city that raised me
the city that gave me identity
the city where I lost everything
the name which is all but agony now
the name that doesn't let me live
Delhi


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Is this life?

A lot in life depends on chance, roll of dice, the thought that next moment can bring in complete wrath of the gods, prompts us to take chance, because the odds of life are very bad, very very bad, and to survive one needs to gamble, every moment, putting self at stake, putting everyone around at the stake.
This is what makes life interesting.
and this is what makes life suck
depends on how you interpret it.
If you believe that you are a gambler all right
and embrace the gambler within,
you might as well win the gamble.
but if you live any other way
then the life will suck you into its deep slimy pit
and let you rot and let you be fed to the scavengers, while you still breath.

So learn to become a true Gambler and you shall be happy.

Yeh Zindagi hai ik jua
yahan jeet bhi aur haar bhi
yahan dushmano ki bheed main
mill jayegne tujhe yaar bhi
toon khelta ja, khelta ja
baaziyon pe baazian.........

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Ghalib Revisited

Am posting something fro Ghalib again, I just can't have enough if this soul. Wish I could write like him.

dil hee to hai na sang-o-KHisht dard se bhar na aaye kyoN ?
royeNge ham hazaar baar, koee hameiN sataaye kyoN ?
[ sang = stone, KHisht = brick ]

dair naheeN, haram naheeN, dar naheeN, aastaaN naheeN
baiTHe haiN rehguzar pe ham, GHair hameiN uTHaaye kyoN ?
[ dair = temple, haram = mosque, dar = gate, aastaaN = abode,
rehguzar = path/way ]

jab woh jamaal-e-dil_faroz, soorat-e-meher-e-neem_roz
aap hee ho nazzaara_soz, parde meiN muNh chupaaye kyoN ?

[ jamaal = beauty, faroz = shining/luminous, meher = sun,
neem_roz = mid day, nazzaara_soz = beautiful/worth seeing ]

dashna-e-GHamza jaaN_sitaaN, naawak-e-naaz be_panaah
tera hee aks-e-ruKH sahee, saamne tere aaye kyoN ?

[ dashna = dagger, GHamza = amorous glance, jaaN_sitaaN = distroying
life, naawak = a kind of arrow, aks = image ]

qaid-e-hayaat-o-band-e-GHam asl meiN dono ek haiN
maut se pehle aadmee GHam se nijaat paaye kyoN ?

[ hayaat = life, band-e-Gham = conceled sorrows,
nijaat = release/liberation ]

husn aur uspe husn_zan rah gayee bulhawas ki sharm
apne pe 'eitmaad hai, GHair ko aazmaaye kyoN ?

[ husn_zan = favourable view, bulhawas = slave of passions/very
greedy, 'eitmaad = reliance/dependance ]

waaN wo GHuroor-e-iz'z-o-naaz yaaN yeh hijaab-e-paas-e-waz'a
raah meiN ham mile kahaaN, bazm meiN wo bulaaye kyoN ?

[ GHuroor = pride, iz'z-o-naaz = respect and beauty,
hijaab = veil/modesty, paas = regard, waz'a = behaviour ]

haaN wo naheeN KHuda_parast, jaao wo be_wafa sahee
jisko ho deen-o-dil 'azeez, uskee galee meiN jaaye kyoN ?

[ parast = worshipper, deen = religion/faith ]

'GHalib'-e-KHasta ke baGHair kaun se kaam band haiN ?
roiye zaar-zaar kya, keejiye haay-haay kyoN ?

[ KHasta = sick/injured, zaar-zaar = bitterly ]
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Mayoosi

yeh ghar bayabaan sa kyon hai
is aaine main yeh shakla itni malool kyon hai
is manzar par bichadne ki khushboo si kyon hai
maloom hota hai vehshat ka bahut tajirba hai yahan
har koi apne gham main ghul raha hai yahan
kuch saanse chal rahi hai abhi bhi
kuch tootne ki hadd par hain
jahan dekho mayoosi si nazar aati hai
arsh bhi mayoos
deewarein bhi mayoos
farsh bhi mayoos
bazicha bhi mayoos
baithak bhi mayoos
naqquashi bhi mayoos
rang bhi mayoos
sajawat bhi mayoos
raunak bhi mayoos

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Cursed

A man cursed, can never bring happiness, a man condemned can never bring justice, whatever he touches, will turn to dust, whatever he makes will rot.
whatever he desires, will never be his, whatever he loves, will get condemned too..............

Banished from the land
he searches for his soul
he has but questions
he has but anguish
all he feels is pain
he walks across a desert
he sails across the sea
he walks past the mountains
he walks past the fields
he walks tirelessly for years
his agony keeps him going

he stops by a small pond
to get a drink of water
he looks down at his reflection
and how old he has become
he looks frail, but for his eyes
which are burning embers
his fury knows no bounds now
and he unleashes his wrath
the wind blows from hell
and burns everything in its way
the water dries away
the sun becomes too hot
the place becomes a desert
and he moves on
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Broken Flowers

Just finished watching "Broken Flowers". It was good, a dark comedy and sad but light take at the life of a ageing bachelor, who has some reputation of being Don Juan. All of a sudden he gets a letter in Pink, from an ex-flame, saying that he is father of a 19 year old guy, who is out on a crazy road trip trying to find him. We never know who sent the letter, he never finds the son. But that is not the point of the movie.
The things to watch out for, stellar performance from Bill Murray, A short appearance from Sharon Stone (I cannot not mention her, am her big fan, after all which other star is a MENSA member and can discuss Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, on TV, wearing a see through shirt :-) ). The conflict going on in Don's (Bill Murray), how he hopes that he will find his son, how he disbelieves the letter as a prank, but something inside him wants him to believe that he belongs, something inside him desperately wants to change the situation he is in. His fear of commitment, but still his quest to find the ultimate commitment.
Don's Interaction with all his past girlfriends and what it does to them and to him, the uncomfortable silence, the uncomfortable ambiance, the feeling of not belonging to anyone from his past. The realization that past is really just past and nothing more, and yet the compulsive optimism, in fact wishful optimism of finding a future in past.
What this movie really symbolizes is what we all go through in life, chasing the demons of past, hoping for forgiveness and a calm to descend onto us, so that we can live our lives without any grudges. It also symbolizes the unrelenting hope, hope that life will turn out better, better than what it has been so far :-)

I think I am making no sense anymore.
So off I go to the land of nod.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

I am not disturbed

I am supposed to be sick, but I am in office, I am supposed to be working then, but I am goofing away my time, reading a whole lot of stuff that folks have written. And trust me some of them are good, really good :-)

I don't always brood
I don't always weep
I laugh at times
I live too
I don't worship sadness
there is happiness too
always round the corner
hiding like a wicked child
to spring out and scare
and put you off balance
at moments least expected

I don't hate
love is all I know
but then love hurts too
and I paint the place
with the love I have
and the hurt I feel
I really am not disturbed
it is the world around me
and I am just trying to take
each day as it comes

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

A promise made

I just got a call from nana. It was great talking to him. My oldest memories of affection are for him and nani. Somehow Dehradun and nani's place was a safe heaven of my childhood. I didnot like it at my paternal grandparents house. I guess it was because I had to fight too often with my aunts and uncle, I had to fight to get my point through, they would not treat me like a kid, but will fight with me and boss me around. none of this crap happened at Nani's place.
they are very old now and nana wants me to visit them once. I have promised to go down to Dehradun before April. I owe them this.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

When love hurts

Today morning I was going through an article in TOI Bangalore Times, (now a days that is the only thing i read, when news becomes gossip, then it is best to read what gossip coloumn has to offer). there was this article "When love actually hurts" a few excrepts from the same.

Mental or emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, though it is often harder to recognise, and therefore to recover from. Emotional abuse causes long term self-esteem issues and profound emotional repercussions for the partners of abusers. Abuse typically alternates with declarations of love and statements that they will change, providing a "hook" to keep the partner in the relationship. The process of 'enslavement'
• The perpetrator feels the need to humiliate, disempower, isolate and gain control over as much of their partner's life as possible
• Slowly, they start to gain control over them financially (for example, not wanting her to work), what they wear, weigh, look like, where they go and who they associate with
• They try to disconnect their partner from any social, religious or family relationships
• They're jealous of their partner's past relationships and try to make her destroy anything that reminds her of the past
• The more they can isolate their partner, the more control they'll have over them
• The abuser needs to become the most important and most powerful thing in his victim's life. They need their affirmation and demand respect, gratitude and love. Over time, they become unpredictable and erratic in their behaviour towards their partner
• Their jealousy makes them becomes violent and angry. Afterwards they feel guilty and upset, and worry that they've lost control over their partner.

It was pretty insightful, do I have the traits of a perpetrator. I guess so, so the only way I can except a relationship is if I have the upper hand ? I am not too sure about that though.
I fight against the enslavement instinct at all times. I am very sure about this.
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

back to office tomorrow - Hopefully

I will be resuming office from tomorrow. Last few days have been the most taxing on me health wise in a long long time. I have been on and off grappling with fever. I never thought that I could fall sick this way. In fact I have never been sick this way, but now I know for sure how to get a fever, just say no to pain killers for some time and lo-behold the fever comes rushing in.
Today I am feeling very very weak; but I guess another day of rest is not going to do me any good. I think I just have to stop thinking too much and bring discipline in my life. Could this sickness be because of mental stress, it might be, there is no denying that. So what do I do? Well for one I can start living for the day.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Bleeding Pen

Whatever had to be said
has been said
whatever had to be brought out
has been brought out
it had hoped for a revolution
it had orchestrated a few in past
thought this time around too
pen will be mightier than sword
but the pen is bleeding
and no one cares to look
no one cares to read

there were times when people were ready to sacrifice their lives, for a cause they believed in. Those times seems like a thing of past, only cause our generation seems to have is "get rich and comfortable, any which way". If it means trampling people, so be it. If it means leaving the nation and everybody that comprises the nation, so be it. But I cannot go on lashing out on us forever. I think the problem is that the stink is so strong, that no one among us has any idea wher to start. And again, we want results, any which way, without the will to sacrifice the comfort of our living rooms.
It is high time that we woke up to abother revolution. Revolution doesn't necessary has to have bloodshed, this time around we can have a revolution of peace, of greater consciousness. 

Don't seem to heal

It has been a week now and I show no sign of healing :-( right now I just popped some painkillers and a paracetamol (don't know if I have spelled it correctly). am running 102 F temperature. I am not sure why I get this fever. But it follows the body ache, and the ache is so bad that I am unable to move without moaning.
The doc says that I might have some allergy to the Bangalore dust and weather. I am not sure though. I plan to take control, probably by starting to go for walks as a first measure.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

An Ode to the setting sun

Why does the sun set ?
asked he of me
to rise again
to rest for the night
to let evrybody rest
to let the night in
to let the earth cool off
to die a momentary death
to signify the circle of life

I was with a friend yesterday and we were watching the sun set and she reminded me of this dialog from QSQT "Dhalte suraj ke saath photo nahin kheenhte" :-)
It was sort of cute 

Shantaram

Have started reading another big book :-)
This one is called Shantaram
Read the review http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/reviews/2004-11-17-shantaram_x.htm

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Addiction

Finished reading "A Million Little Pieces" yesterday. It is a memoir by James Frey on his fight against addiction. A Good book to read, I could associate myself with James. We are all addicted to something or other. All of us are addicts. What we are addicted to may be different.
Habits taken to extreme are addiction, though they might not be harmful, but they are phsycologically as alarming and as bad as drug addiction, yes I will be killing myself with drugs, but with other seemingly non harming addictions, I am essentially killing the free mind.
tea, coffee, love, sex, weakness of mind and body, food, books, music, movies, just about anything that we might take to obsession.
Biggest addiction of all times is religion and god. It is used as an alibi to deal with all other addictions. "If I trust in God, I will never do bad things, because some one is watching me, so I will be nice and try to please him" the sense of guilt kills all addicts, the fall from grace, the loss of self respect, the loss of standing in front of loved ones.
why are few addictions taboo and others all right.
If a fellow is addicted to sex and goes whoring around, he would be treated as a big misfit, not fit enough for the society
whereas addiction to food is alright is some ways, Obsessive need of parents to control and shape the future of kids is perfectly OK.
Doing drugs is bad, but becoming a zealot for religion is OK as long as we are not violent.

Cummon man I don't see this working, I really don't see this working. how can one form of addiction be better than another, It is all the same.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Am Sick

I am sick :-( have been down with fever for 2 days now, went to the doc and they decided to stick some needles into me. Have another appointment on Wednesday, till then I have been advised to rest and take it easy. In a way it is good, in a way it is bad, I mean that not going o office is good, but then sitting at home when one is sick is not exactly my idea of celebrating the times :-)
Will catch up a couple of movies tomorrow, and I plan to read big time. Have started reading a "Million little Pieces" it seems to be a nice book.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Roll of dice

The questions have cropped up again,
the roll of dice eminent again
what has been lost,
when nothing was gained
why the pain
when there is no conviction
why the hurt
when there is no faith



--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Let me live

Let me live
for I have a life
let me get a life
for I have discovered
what zest for living is
let me climb the mountains
let me swim the oceans
let me walk across deserts
for all can be claimed
for all can be tamed
let me live to inspire
let me live for love
let me live to live

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya