allured, I am, by the dark side of the force

I think I have finally buried the ghost that haunted me for better half of last month. Finally I figured out that there is no point of being self critical beyond a certain point. Being self critical won't allow you to live in peace and if you follow what you interpret out of it, you won't be in peace either.
so have no self doubt, no guilt, no fear, and when you have killed these you become your own master. Maybe an Evil one, but then who cares.
Good and Evil are relative, People say that absence of good is evil, I say there is nothing called goodness, we defined it ourselves and think that it works most of the times, but then if goodness is so apparent then it should rule, in reality it rarely does.
My good friend will say "that is because we have not yet gotten on to that level of consciousness" I say, "If we have not, I don't even care about it, I was born in these times and let me try the best that is available, and no I don't believe in self denial, that is like enslaving yourself, I don't want to serve anyone except for the masters I choose. This is my small tribute to Human ego"

--
In the end, it doesn't even matter........

take me out
and cut me into tiny pieces
and let them be strewn all over the place
cause i feel torn
take out my heart
and carve in it
the choicest of blasphemy
cause i don't know peace
sheer me and make bow down
under the weight of hundred pound iron
cause i know defiance
slaughter me the very last of me
and make me orb of pulp
and crush my bones and mind alike
cause I know desire
smother me and let me drown
and get eaten by the slimy scavengers
cause i know pride
strip me and show the ugly me
for the world to judge
and prosecute and crucify
and then stone me to death
cause i know love


--
In the end, it doesn't even matter........

I am torn

I look around
i see things that I don't have to
I feel things that are sacrilegious
i do things that are desecration
i can't breath anymore
I can't smile
I can't laugh
I am dragging a dead corpse
everywhere I go
and the corpse is mine
I am a dead man walking
I am torn

Don't know what to say anymore
don't know where to go
feel like running far and fast
before the corpse starts to stink
before the stench becomes un bearable
before flesh starts to rot
before my mind becomes a vegetable
but my feet have become of lead
my heart has ceased to beat
the way it used to
I don't have any dreams left
and everything is getting shattered
I am torn

feel i should finish this all
look into those eyes
eyes of Apocalypse
and pray them to take me away
on the wings of death
to a far off place
a place called hell
a place where I will finally belong



--
In the end, it doesn't even matter........

this is the end

I think I have finally decided what I want. the choice is not tough, though it asks a lot of me, but the realization that I have to kill myself the way I know it has dawned on me.
Freedom comes with a price, in my case it is loneliness, My mistake to open my mouth, don't have to do it anymore, I just have to keep it shut, shut with a big duct tape wrapped around it. I am evil and nothing inside of me is capable of any goodness. So just keep shut, don't challenge people don't interact with people, just be alone. no more sunday sermons, no more sermons on the hill.
kill and submit yourself to everybody around you, don't have to think anymore, don't have to feel anymore, just shut myself off from all the illusions. There is nothing called miracle, there is no dream, just an empty and meaningless life that I have to submit to, but I think eventually it would ease the pain. There is no point to anything, no cause or means is good enough to stand up to. every cause is relative, when Gandhi can be blamed for being an asshole, I am definitely an asshole, and I don't have to brag about being one.
nobody will accept or even try to comprehend what I am thinking, explain and I myself will land into dilemmas, senses lust for things that are not required, instincts lie, so don't submit to them, never.
and if you feel the sorrow, bow down and submit to the notion of god and pray for deliverance.............
that is what I have to do, kill myself completely, cause the basic belief that I had, that I have some inherent goodness in me, has come crumbling down. I am a sick asshole, a sick, very sick human being, or rather an animal. And nothing I do is going to change that. So I will heed to silence and submit my soul to the purgatory and let my requiem play loud.
finally to quote from one of my idols, Jim the fuckin' Morrison

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land

Lost in a roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die

This is the end



--
In the end, it doesn't even matter........

ek gharonda ho

Us pahad ke pare
ek gharonda ho
jo ki taaron ki chaon main
chandni ko lapete hue
mujhe apni aur pukaare
aur ek thake hue yoddha ko
ek lamha ruk kar araam de

us pahad ke pare
ek gharonda ho
bahar ek bada peepul ka ped ho
us ped ki shakaon pe ek jhoola
jo ki hava ke jhaunko se hil raha ho
aur ek  lakdi ka jangla ho
jo ki prakriti ko bahar rakhe
prakriti ka ho kar bhi
aur us ghar ke baramde main
main baith kar kuch chain ki saans le sakoon

us pahad ke pare
ek gharonda ho

us gharonde main kuch yaadein hon
kuch logon ka aks ho
har deewar, har darwaaza koi dastaan kehta ho
har pag par main itihaas ke sammukh hoon
uther woh royi thi
ither usne mujhe daanta tha
uther woh jhagdi thi
abhi bhi uske hasne ki awaaz
aangan main maano goonj rahi ho
us ghar main chahe main akela hi hoon
lekin yeh ghar mujhe jeene dega
mujhe yaadon main jeene dega
woh mere jeevan naamak marusthal main
ek mrigyatrishna ki bhaanti upasthit hoga

us pahad ke pare
ek gharonda ho



--
In the end, it doesn't even matter........

why do i let it get away

why do i let it get away

I know it is just an urge
I know it just a thought
I know it is just a dream
but why do i let it get away

I know i will have to justify
defy, and be a non conformist
if i were to let it get away
and fly with its wings open
dancing all around me
making be believe that
being alive can be magical
but still i let it get away

I can't think a moment with out it
that is why maybe i let it get away

--
"would you make the dreams come true?" she asked,
"Do you want them to come true ?" replied he
"yes"
"Then realised they would be, just believe in them, completely".

Sin City

Watched SinCity yesterday,
This is adaptation of Graphic novel and hence the movie is veru stylised with lots of volience and lots of gore.
but I didn't like it that much, it talks of a society that has decayed so much that blood gore and raw strength becomes the norm and survival of fittest means a whole different ball game.
The characters are very two dimensional, I felt that they were not developed, there is no excuse given as to why they are the way they are. the movie is stylised, but that is not all that one looks for. the star cast is very heavy and almost everybody gets lost in the mayhem.
Though the start of the movie was very promising, with strong narrative, and signature style, but the whole thing fizzles down, because I didn't find much substance in the voilence, but just for the heck of it.
A movie that can be avoided, if not for the technique used to bring the novel onto screen


--
races condemned to one hundered years of solitude did not have a second opportunity on earth.

Aah ko chahiye

This is what Ghalib says.
Heis one of the best poets I have ever read

Aah ko chaahiye ik umr asar hone tak

 

Aah ko chaahiye ik umr asar hone tak
Kaun jeetaa hai terii zulf ke sar hone tak

 

Aashiqii sabr-talab aur tamannaa betaab
Dil kaa kyaa rang karun Khuun-e-jigar hone tak
[sabr-talab=patient]

 

Ham ne maanaa ke taGaaful na karoge lekin
Khaak ho jaayenge ham tumko Khabar hone tak
[taGaaful=neglect/ignore]

 

Gam-e-hastii kaa 'Asad' kis se ho juz marg ilaaj
Shamm'a har rang mein jaltii hai sahar hone tak
[juz=other than; marg=death]

--
Arise, awake and stop not, till the goal is achieved.

~Vivekanand

yeh hakikat to nahin

yeh hakikat to nahin
jo main bayan kar raha hoon
yeh deewanagi to nahin
jo main mehsoos kar raha hoon
yeh kaisi justzu hai
jiska koi nishkarsh nahin
ek apahij sa ho gaya hoon
aur baisakhian bhi aisi
ki unpar jhuk nahin sakta
is dwand main main mita ja raha hoon
lekin mitne ka mujhe gham bhi nahin

Sochta hoon ki yeh khwaab hai
abhi pau fatne par chetna aa jayegi
lekin is khwaab ko jee loon pehle
in dhadkano ko sune umr guzar gayi hai
unki dhadkan fir se sun loon
in aankhon ko intezaar nahin tha
intezaar main palkein jhapak loon fir se
woh awaaz jo madhosh sa kar jaati hai
madhosh hona bhool gaya tha main
us awaaz main kho kar fir madhosh ho jaoon
prarthna hai ki chetna na aaye
ya jab aaye to main na rahoon

yeh hakikat to nahin
lekin swarg ki anoobhooti lagti hai

--
Arise, awake and stop not, till the goal is achieved.

~Vivekanand

want for fall

I think I am doomed, want to complicate my life.
Inspite of having everything normal mortals aspire for
I have a strange longing for more
I think I want to have a fall
a big free fall

Just hope that I never hit the ground
hope I fall into a bottomless abyss
and  If I do hit the ground
hope that I would perish along the fall.

--
Arise, awake and stop not, till the goal is achieved.

~Vivekanand

life is beautiful still

Life is beautiful still
there is hope
though at a far away horizon
there is light
though it is beyond the promised dawn
there is love
though it is full of peril
there is peace
though the path to it is through turmoil
there is warmth
though the winter is still not over
life is beautiful still


--
Arise, awake and stop not, till the goal is achieved.

~Vivekanand

Renderings from the bottom of my heart.

my conversation with a fellow human, made me think about a question that is so elusive.
Love.
What is love, now to some it might sound a notion from bygone era, but I would still like to define love. I for one don't want to believe that love is "this chemical" mixing with "that chemical" with "hormones pitching in" to produce "side effects like palpitation, sudden dizzy feeling, quickening of breath, and  psychological phenomenon, that induces the will for total submission"
I want to define love in the most poetic way possible, you can say that I am impractical, but I say, "we are already in hell, so why not glorify the  biggest sinner of all, love, and feel good about it".

love is complete submission, love is complete acceptance, love is complete tolerance, love is going to the most horrifying of places, the ugliest and scariest places ever imaginable, and still accept them and tolerate them, (maybe tolerate is not the right word, but I wanted to use it anyway, because I believe that humans do get angry, and this has to be tolerated too. ) and submit to them your soul for safekeeping.
love is destiny trying to conspire against all odds to catch up with you.
love is the whole of cosmos trying to nurture and keep the life alive, love is the existence of humans on the face of this earth. love is two lovers meeting in clandestine, love is a whole nation joining hands for freedom, love is a peaceful negotiation of war, love is the deepest of ocean that hides away so many lives, love is the fertile planes of ganges that gave life to millions of humans.
Love is Nature.
Love is the prayer that is said without any asking, love is the will to survive and exist. Love is what makes us feel, (in case you are one of us software geeks, love is the baseline against which we measure feelings) love is to muse, love is to indulge, love is to risk everything for one soulful encounter.
love is the healing touch, love is mother nurturing a baby.

It is strange why we don't love anymore, it is strange that we hide from the true emotion, why do we suffocate it and give it meanings, why do we differentiate it. Love cannot be interpreted according to ones wishes, then why do we let a small coterie define the appropriateness or dis-appropriateness of love. why do they still slaughter the ones who love, why do we have Romeo Juliet, Heer Ranjha being repeated everywhere. Why do we define the boundaries of love, why do we say that love is exclusive, why don't we accept love, why do we brand it.

this is probably the best love letter I will ever write, but please don't use the word "love letter" for they have depraved the meaning of the same. They have made love trivial and unimportant, they have ravaged love and they still are not satisfied. So please don't call it that.

but you can surely call it , renderings from the bottom of my heart...............


--
Arise, awake and stop not, till the goal is achieved.

~Vivekanand

will go away, if you want me to

Will go away if you want me to
I am one of those omens
one of those spells
that someone has cast on thee
to make you feel again
for better or worse
how can I say
that is for you to decide
but the curse is reversible
just wish me to go away
and do it earnestly
and I would have vanished
long before you open your eyes

though I want you to see
the other world I promised
but I have not been there myself
want to make the journey though
but I am jinxed, cause I am a thought
need someone to understand it
and take me to new horizon
but if that horizon is not yours
so be it
the thought will vanish
the thought will be forgotten
never to rise again
will go away if you want me to

I was but languishing
in the dark corners of my hell
with nothing but morbid gloom,
covering the whole of me,
one moment and I was zapped
out of my silent recluse
and told, to be to you
what slingshot was to david
hope, medium, tool
in your search for yourself
but who knows what you will find
who knows if it woulld be good
who knows even if it is worth it
who cares, but maybe you,
I am but intangible
in your life that is
so wish me to go away
and go away I will

--
Arise, awake and stop not, till the goal is achieved.

~Vivekanand