Pain is all mine

Open the door and usher in some light
watch the dismal darkness fade away
question your sorrow, your beliefs
ponder what was good, forget the bad
bury the visions that haunt you
they are but ghosts of time gone by
no one to speak to, nothign to speak about
all that ails me is in my head
a smoke filled room, where I cannot breath
a lost love that I can't feel
blind to plight of people around me
I walk like the ghost of my dreams
obsessed with self and all that i desire
time heals all and time is my recluse
but till that happens, pain is all mine

Nightmares

Dreams, they strike again
or should i call them nightmares
themes beyond comprehension
days spent deliberating the subconscious
relationships of hate and betrayal
and yet they hurt so much
as the days go by
and the dust starts to settle
there is just devastation to be seen
as far as one could see

Winter is setting in

did you see the leaves fall
the clutter on the roads
all the shades of brown and yellow

the winter would be long this year

I don't dread the cold
nor do I fear the depressing mornings
brooding afternoons are welcome
as are restless evenings
but there is no spring in offing
no promise of summer as far as i can see

the winter would be long this time around

the chill is setting in my bones
my heart has gone all but cold
some times there is a flutter at the core
but thaw is no more in sight
the clots are beginning to form
the hurt oozes out of wounds still
each passing day is endearing
each morbid thought welcome
the hush after the rush
the summer that lasted a bit too long

the winter promises to last a long time too

Weekend getaway

Diwali - Festival of Lights

Marlboro Lights


555 Lights


B&H Lights

Racing along

I have been thinking about this one incident for quite some time now. am not able to get it out of my mind. I don't know how I came to remember it, It just flashed in my mind as I was driving down to office after a whole week of being sick.
I would have been in 4th or 5th standard, so that means i would have been 8 or 9 year old. School was having the annual sports day, and this was the first time we were taken out from school premises to a big ground somewhere near the school. I remember being excited, because I had my birthday approaching.
anyway, it was 100m or maybe 50m race that I lined up to participate in. I had a friend, Manish Kr Sinkoo, standing next to me. I started running along with other kids, and soon everyone started getting ahead of me, i ran as hard as I could, but it was no good, I was not good enough. I called Manish to wait, he wouldn't listen and when i felt him getting away too, I held him. I held his arm and tried to stop him, he yelled out to some teacher for help, and yanked his arm away from me.
I had tears in my eyes, no breath in my lungs, legs giving way under me.
I think Abhishek Rawat won the race, Manish Kr Sinkoo lost out because of me. I don't remember if I completed the race.

Shadow of a Ghost

Have written a million words
still there is want for more
have wandered a thousand miles
still no destiny in sight
each day pegs a new hope
some of it denial
some of it pure hope
struggle to keep my sanity
fails me at times
there is life and love beyond lucidity
so i like to believe
the smoldering bars keep me captive
scare of burns keeps me in check
scarred beyond recognition
I try to find myself in mirror
witness I do, a shadow of a ghost

Untouched, Unfazed, Unmoved
A place to rest, re-vitalize
fill up the venom before another crusade
Forget all, remember self, just the self
No love no hate, couldn’t care any less
Caught amidst strangers, but stranger to none
Long lost look in the eyes again
Amnesia in setting, peace in offing
How long will it last
Hope for a lifetime…………..

Ghosts of Anguish

Will the ghosts ever lie down and rest

they rose from the anguish of the soul

in an instant of morbid pain

and they have kept him haunted

he walks like a zombie

trying to escape the wrath they inflict

like true ghosts, they cannot be seen 

but by the one who is haunted.

They concoct ethereal images of despair

string of events with cause and effect

the cause often misunderstood

the effect that doesn't seem to heal

tortured soul asking for reprieve

everything in sight,broken and shattered

logic defied by slew of perspectives

they show up when least expected

and draw the life force out of him

he is happy in a moment of ignorant bliss

and the next moment finds him in abyss

triggered by thoughts he cannot control

powered by mind he cannot fight

They dance around him

like long shadows around a bonfire

fire of his soul flickers

by the constant pokes from these shadows

and he loses the will to live

Destination Nowhere

I read a book
it doesn't seem to end
thousand pages i have read
and yet the end is nowhere near
characters keep appearing and vanishing
no apparent design no apparent destiny
sarcasm without wit
irony without intent
maybe i should finish this chapter
close the book and pick up another one
Perhaps I have to read this one
cover to cover

a trail of talking pictures
it seems like the soap opera
it never ends
new twists, new plots
new actors for old cliches
facts stranger than fiction
no sir, no truth here
just an unabashed indulgence
no shame, no remorse
take it or leave it
but leave it i can't
the reels keep rolling
am glued to the spot
till end credits roll out

I witnessed death the other day
a giant came from behind my left
missed me by a few feet
carved an arc towards my right
mangling everything in its way
for a moment there was deafening silence
followed by a wail from a child
then the honking to get out of way
people rushing to destinations
destinations important than crushed humans
I stopped for a few moments
then continued on my course too
shaken but not stirred

Venom and lonliness

A creepy crawling snake
wrapped around a twig
slithering its way
up the rotten branch
remnants of a tree trunk
after termites had there way
the branch snaps
the snake falls down
creepy crawly snake
the vicious venomous snake
it is hurt and it is hurt bad
oh please will no one help it
It tosses in agony
poor helpless snake
everyone is scared of it
yet all it wants
is not to be alone just then

walking a lone path

Fallen petals from wilted flowers

spread on the  road to horizon

bloom is over, warmth is receding

it is going to be a long night

last hint of light at horizon faints

and we are left alone

I didn't see the clouds come in

did you?

the stars and moon have disappeared

under the thick blanket

It will pour soon

lets get cosy in some place dry

will you?

I search frantically for cover

everything is so dark now

can't see my hands in front of me

and yet hurry we must

can you?

We let go of each others hand

and now we are lost in this abyss

suddenly I am scared

have I lost you forever

i call out you name

i wait for you to call

did you?

Stranger in strange land

Strange is the land on which he treads
seeking blood for vengeance within
he stops and sniffs, yes there is hatred here
someone will fall for the false hope again
some eyes will always be moist
some hearts will beat with deception
someone will be every ones fool

he enters a cave marked red
a thousand eyes stare back unconvinced
they have seen the ascent
they have witnessed the retreat
the darkness engulfs him now
and yet he keeps walking along
something is squelching under his feet
some faded whimpers, some squealed threats
he can't see what he treads on
unseen unnoticed unforgiven,
they die under his feet

just as sudden is the advent of light
his feet are red, blood red, red
his hand still holds the sword of malice
and he wears the shield of ignorance
forever protected in his own heaven
oblivious of any agony but his own
he yearns for satisfaction
he yearns for instant gratification

It keeps raining

It keeps raining
everything has become damp
I can feel the mist inside my head
wooden doors don't close anymore
windows don't shut to keep the water out
I feel like drowning in this flood
and it keeps raining still

The food i eat is moist with water
thoughts are laden with crumbling wetness
eyes are always on verge of tears
skin yearns for some dryness someplace
someplace without the slimy touch
the rot is rot deep now
and it is raining still

the haze in my mind is getting dense
the coldness of solitude disturbs me
it plays peek-a-boo
catching me unawares each time
clouds have cluttered out all the light
I ride around desperately
seeking golden sunshine
and yet it rains still
it rains cats and dogs

Lost Cause

A thousand ships sail towards sun
each one carrying the hope of life
each searching for the island of life
sails set high, urgency in air
cover the maximum ground
or drown in the star dust
burnt by sun, skin peeling off
they still manoeuvre the vessel
charting set co-ordinates
under the shade of stars

the last of the scions
the last of the czars
the last of humanity
all bundled up inside
scrouging over morsels
already inhuman
they are the lost hope
oblivious of the fire
concerned about nothing
they fight the trivialities

No redemption sought
yet the men at top
toil so hard
to set the right course
time will make them see perhaps
the cause that was already lost

The land white
sky purest of blue
settlements rising on distant hills
taking the form of the hill
the lines of slope
going all the way up to the hilltop
then suddenly bursting into a monastery
flags flying high
chants flowing along with wind
people humbled by nature
searching the meaning of life
yet life continues in the wretches of nature
no rain, no snow, a few lakes and desolation
a cold desert, with a few specks of life
hard mountains, soft valleys
a few passes here and there
here nature is unforgiving
it will eat you alive if you stray
no help for thousands of miles
and yet people want to live
no conveniences of a sprawling metropolis
no rapid transport systems
a lonely walk down the hill to fill water
a steep climb uphill to the destination
life slowed down to enable sustenance
life slowed down to a breathtaking reverie

You Are 84% Feminist

You are a total feminist. This doesn't mean you're a man hater (in fact, you may be a man). You just think that men and women should be treated equally. It's a simple idea but somehow complicated for the world to put into action.

Are You a Feminist?

Evil

You Are 48% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Maybe i need a haircut
or maybe i need a new head
when nothing fits
one has to be one's own tailor
a fish eye lens would help
to see all at the same time
a ride up in clouds will comfort
and when we fall, no one will complain
lust for life will be quenched
by the fire from hell
and the innocents will walk
the sinners will fly
the pious will crawl
nothing will be real
nothing really is
maybe i need a haircut
maybe i need a new head

vanish

Desperation again, delusion revisited
unreal reality, imagined homeland
mythical fables, illusionary expectations
we live in make believe world
not a single shred of truth around
each one of us running
towards a distant horizon
no sign of arriving, no sign of travel
and then one day we all vanish

Could fulfillment ever be felt as deeply as loss? Romantically she decided that love must surely reside in the gap between desire and fulfillment, in the lack, not in the contentment. Love was an ache, the anticipation, the retreat, everything around it but the emotion itself
~ Inheritance of Loss
   <Kiran Desai>

Of Gods and Goddesses

My mom told me this story today, I was having my lunch along with Ganesh when the topic veered off to religion and gods. She would have been 4 years old and was playing with a long bamboo spline, she would burn the end of the spline in the embers of earthen stove and will move it round in circles to see the pattern formed by the red burning end in dark of the room.

Her aunt (paternal aunt) told her not to do the same, she told her that if she keeps doing it "sheron waali maata" or maa Bhagwati, will come out of the photograph hanging on the wall and scold her. My mom didn't like what was told to her and kept staring at the photo-frame. After some time she figured that no one can come out of that photo-frame and stuck out her tongue to the goddess, teasing her, asking her for her wrath. Nothing happened, she did it once more, and kept staring at the photo-frame. What follows next is amazing. She says that she felt some sort of a figure came out from the adjacent photo-frame and entered the frame where goddess was sitting on her tiger, the goddess pointed her finger at my mom and told the figure that she is the one who has been dis-respectful. The figure ran towards my mom carrying a smouldering "angeethi" on his head. mom was scared for sometime, but regained her composure, and reasoned that she was imagining stuff. She again stuck out her tongue in a teasing way at the goddess, this time the vision of the figure wouldn't leave her. She doesn't remember anything more, she might have screamed, or hid under the bed, or ran, she doesn't remember. 

true lies

sifting through the sands of time
trying to make out truth from lies
i realize that there is no telling the truth
everything is a lie, everything is a truth
the moments color the perception
emotions add the hues
shades of jealousy are evident
and the theme is painted by possessiveness
hypocrisies blend it all
and we paint it in shadow of our ugliness
then the picture is ground by the ego
till truth and lies are inseparable
like twins in a womb





--
Allure of solitude lies in it being perennial
http://ankitbchhibber.googlepages.com/home

generally speaking

Sometime back I stopped writing about the movies I have been watching. I did so because I was just posting about the movies and nothing else. It felt weird, This blog was about nothing so it cannot become of movies :-)

anyway, I have not stopped watching movies though and I am using unlimited membership from seventymm to the max.

Nothing much is happening apart from that though, life has kind of mellowed down and settled down, so I am waiting for the next chance I get to disrupt it.
--
Allure of solitude lies in it being perennial
http://ankitbchhibber.googlepages.com/home

...

I saw you alright, but I am not noticing you yet

you have come at the wrong moment

and I cannot be your destiny

I cannot yield to myself anymore

and yes the flame has died down

there is nothing more appealing here

than the wrinkles on old skin

or the paint peeling off the roofs

the rails are rusting and windows don't shut

and this place has not seen a living soul

in millions of years.......

so don't try to come in now

because no one is welcome anymore

--
Allure of solitude lies in it being perennial
http://ankitbchhibber.googlepages.com/home

Alice in NormalLand

In spring, when woods are getting green, I'll try and tell you what I mean.. In summer, when the days are long, Perhaps you'll understand the song..
These words borrowed from "alice in wonderland" have always captivated me, but off late the person I used to associate them with has become kind of anti thesis of the same :-)
It is strange what love can do :-)

Love re-defined

Read it somewhere, love is nothing but a chemical addiction between two people...
I think this line of reasoning holds a lot of weight.

--
Allure of solitude lies in it being perennial
http://ankitbchhibber.googlepages.com/home

इल्तेजा

वोह जो निशान् बाक़ी रह गए हैं
उन्हें मिटा दो,
मेरे कहे जो सवाल हैं
उन्हें भुला दो
जहाँ कुछ याद ना रहे
ऐसे जहाँ मैं ले चलो
जहाँ तुम्हें भीड़ मैं ना खोजूं
तुम्हारे गुम होने पर अश्रु ना बहें
तुम्हारे मिल जाने पर आँख नम ना हो
तुम रकीब भी ना हो
और अपने भी नहीं

songs that I sung are off key now

places I visited fading away

only thing left of love is illusion

to get lost is no more romantic

to fall no more exciting

have to collect some dues

some more insane trips of pleasure

some more howling for ecstasy

some more drunken stupors

and then I would walk on

with chains around my heart

and dead weight on my ankles

 

Maya Memsaab

I always had this grudge that I have not seen Maya Memsaab, I had loved the concept back then as a kid, I had been excited about it, I wanted to fall in love with Maaya, just like the nubile SRK. But I am glad I didn't see the movie back then, I would have loved the movie then too, but would have failed to comprehend it.

Watching Maya Memsaab was a treat. The way Maya begins with innocent love and ends up in all consuming passionate hatred, self loath.

And all she wants is freedom from herself. and then the fact that you can take away from movie whatever ending you want to imagine.

Jazba hai junoon hai yeh kaisi maya hai :-)

--
Allure of solitude lies in it being perennial
http://ankitbchhibber.googlepages.com/home