Reach out

Sometimes you reach out to share, share how you feel, how everything seems futile, how you are losing the battle of sanity, how you would like to be.

Sometimes this is all one can do.

and most times there is no one to reach out to

यहीं कहीं ज़िंदा हूँ अभी

यहीं कहीं ज़िंदा हूँ अभी 

तुझे देखे की ख़ातिर शायद

दिल की धड़कने टूटी नहीं 

आँखों की आस भी बाक़ी है 

शायद एक दिन तू मिल भी जाए

साँस का रुकना बाक़ी है अभी

सुबह को तेरी याद, रात को तेरी फ़रियाद

हाथ बढ़ाऊँ और छू लूँ तुझे 

यह ख़्वाब भी बाक़ी है अभी 

सीने में समा न पायें

सब अरमान बाक़ी हैं अभी 

यहीं कहीं ज़िंदा हूँ अभी 

तेरे मिलने की उम्मीद मैं शायद 

Gold at the end of rainbow

I see you, in every breath I take

sitting next to me

oblivious of my pain

like a veiled dagger

piercing my soul

that embarrassed smile

those bright eyes

play that we make

things that I do

thoughts I wish I could project

to embrace you to oblivion

die next moment

nothing unique

nothing new

peak of intensity though

didn't know I could feel it again

was safe and forgotten wasn't I

melancholy but sane

low but balanced

broken but trudging along

lonely, yes a lot

like an acid trip kicking in

you make all this beautiful, yet unbearable

wish I could cry

tears, they dried up long time back

infatuations don't last they say

mine do and don't go away

please be gone

let me breathe easy again

let me not know what i miss

let me not worship the idea of you

cause notions are all I have chased

and none had gold at end of rainbow

Motive

Why is love so hard

why does love change at all

why do we yearn 

why is silence a premium

why do we find ourselves tied

why oh why

when life is but a fleeting moment

all you stand for will turn to dust

years from now no one will know

no one will bother

why can't we be the way we want to be

desiring someone with all you have

missing someone will all you are worth

lovers all done and gone

lovers to be in waiting

it is not that my love is fickle

I just feel and want to live a bit more

to possess someone is fleeting

to catch that fleeting moment

and live a lifetime in it is the motive

Numb

I just want to numb the pain, thats all

don't mean to run, don't mean to hide

don't want to hurt, don't want to be found out

don't want a high, don't want a low

I just want to numb the pain, thats all

dreams, they make the loss so real

relived I have, over and over

the agony I can't share

the truth I cannot speak

the love I cannot expect

the loss I cannot accept

and the pain goes throbs on

I can't think of anything else

I just want to numb the pain, that's all

Bright Side

Bemoan the fate as you will

the emptiness would still eat you away

futility of existence and facade of importance

the glitter of attention and tears of oblivion

loath of loneliness and fear of attention

no one can feel you, no one can understand

people would claim they do

but don't you pretend otherwise

An emotional mess, a tangled self

the inner calm when you embrace the death

to be part of someone's final journey

to bathe them and dress them 

and then offer them to fire

the calm you saw on the face

the lifeless body of an illustrious man

some mourn, some pay respect

all move on, life is death

Nothing is static, not even misery

a lot is gained and all is lost

the material you possess

the dress you like

the expensive gold watch 

and that beautiful sapphire

your favourite son, your beloved daughter

your loving wife and all your lovers

strings holding you down

strings waiting to be snapped

look at the bright side though,

there is none

Dope Rambling

After a very long time, I am stoned again, and ready to my mind wander. I am going to let it wander while I stay oddly unmoved, in the centre of it all. It is as if I can suspend ego and think like a human. a fair human if you may. Yet again I start building the illusions of grandeur, but the current "state of being" doesn't let me do that. It strips me to bones, my bones, bare bones. Bones that are naked with the shallowest and the basest of of human emotions on display. It reduces me to the animal in me. And strangely I can empathise with my ugly self, but I know that this is not it.

I know that something better can happen and will happen. Isn't it odd, that egoless state is hopeful? but perhaps not. Think of it. Ego has not really succeeded in getting what it wants, ever. one always had to pay the "big" price for ego, so ego has to be cynical. It is existential for ego to be cynical. A rising star, in early stages of "the rising", might have had a positive and hopeful ego. But I ain't one. So for me, cynical is a survival tool. But if I can let go of ego and let it be, I can be positive and hopeful.. And that is the space I want to be at right now. Ego is a tricky thing though. The reason of having an ego is perhaps to encourage survival. Survival against barbaric world. Some day, when the world has ceased to be barbaric, else extinct, our present ego will be a relic of our animal past. The ego on display then would be far more complex. To be alive and conscious will have a very different meaning. It would not be about survival, but about harmony. I think true objectivity might then be possible. But not today, not tomorrow, eons must pass before that could happen, i.e. if we survive.

Ok mind, now canter off to some new quest. Find me something to think of, Find me something profound yet very intuitive. Such that the answer is staring at us, yet we fail to see.

I believe earth has gone to ruins multiple times and there is no way to say how-many-times-and-how. Everything on earth eventually gets recycled. Each chunk of land is sent back to core, to be forged again as a virgin land. All the material is broken down to elemental state churned inside out. The oldest of life forms, which by the way, might have been more advanced than us, won't have a trace left. Time is immaterial to a dirt ball called earth. It existed before us and hopefully it will exist long after us.

Woven by life to stay alive

Strange dreams a strange bearings
not sure if it is good bad or ugly
waking up disoriented
coming from a world far removed
people I once knew
people I once cared about
all had become strangers
the void within screaming out loud
love lust passion, all lost
just this thing with hope though
it doesn't know death yet

Hope of warmth was there
Hope of peace at last
hope of forgiveness,
from me, of me, for me.
Hope that dreams can be realised
hope that life is special
hope that hope will survive

All mirages, all facades
woven by life to stay alive

Who am I to ask

Oh the fine feeling of despair
hits in again and makes me take note
of all that is lost and all that will be
nothing static yet all in circles
what has come to pass will happen again
and again and again and again
hard to let go tougher to fight
oblivion is not so easy any more
paradise in waiting
and I float on clouds
oh wait, is it that hangover again
hangover of a high
a low that creeps up unawares
and draws the last ounce of your soul
no soul, no hope, no deliverance
just a sadness beyond comprehension
sit and stare at walls
or star outside the window all you want
this will not pass
and if it does, it will come back again
in circles
more like spiral
each subsequent one drawing you deeper in misery

How long can a man be lost
who am I to ask…...

Dwandh

अगर मैं यूं ना होता, तो भी क्या होता
अगर मैं बेचैन न होता तो भी क्या चैन होता
अगर मैं उदास न होता, तो भी क्या खुश होता
अगर अभी ज़िंदा न होता, तो भी क्या आराम होता
यूं सोचना इन सब के बारे मैं
कोई काम होता, तो भी क्या मैं बेकार होता?

पश्चाताप न करूँ तो मैं बुरा पश्चाताप करूँ तो उदासीन
उदास रहूँ तो बेरुख, खुश रहूँ तो आनन्दभोगी
कोई संतुलन नहीं इस जीवन मैं
सब या तो काला या सफ़ेद
क्यों अपने आप को इंसान मानने को मैं तैयार नहीं
क्यों अपने से यह द्वन्द्ध

The thought that I want to write about cannot be written about.

It is not fair to be this way. It is not a just world though.

emptiness, come devour me now

i want to be empty, of everything

all emotions purged

all dead forgotten

stoic, still, peace let me be

nothing should touch me

nothing should move me

no anger to yield

no love to possess

beyond material

beyond time.

peace let me be

peace let me be

It is always a struggle to forget
always a struggle to remember
always a struggle to be real

Tiredness

I am tired of my rants

like a millions hammers 

pounding away in my brain

constant chatter drowns sanity

expectations love and affection

comfort insecurities and misadventures

regrets lost and found

a million lives not lived

what could be and what is

hauntings and remembrances

shadows looming large on today

today that is not perfect

perfection that is just in mind

mind on verge of lunacy

constant screams drowned

in the agonizing void

void that is my life

I am tired, very tired

tears they have a mind of their own

roll down when you least expect

open your soul to strangers

strangers that glare

stay in dark away from glare

tucked in blanket of oblivion

lost and lonely yet sane

lost and lonely yet sane

Everything seems fake

each day a new low

don't know if I am riding a wave

or it is a crest I have fallen into

questions that need answers

questions that don't have answers

answers that make me squirm

answers I am not sure of

and while this happens

i sink into a new abyss

light is rushing away

darkness engulfs

It is cold too

and my body feels broken

No soul left in me

no warmth to give any more

Caustic Tongue
Lash lash lash
Who are you
Bang bang bang
Low esteem
Am better than you
Low confidence
I will demolish you
I love you
My pound of flesh

Heer - Jab Tak Hai Jaan - Translation

I am in love with the song..

Cannot stop listening.

Heer Ranjha and Mirza Sahibaan are love stories from Punjab.

no connection between two :-) 

now the song or at least my interpretation.

Heer thinks she is in love with Ranjha but discovers that she is actually Mirza's Sahiban.

In other words it is a song of discovering that your heart beats for someone else.

In ways it is about the deep wish to fight fate and following hearts desire.

but above all it is a beautiful love ballad, heart rendering music and deep deep lyrics.

Heer Heer na akho odiyo, Main te Sahibaan hoyi,
Khodi (Mare) leke aaye le jaaye, Khodi leke aaye le jaaye,
Le jaaye Mirza koi, Le jaaye Mirza koi

Don't call me Heer, I am but Sahiban

May he come and take me away

May some Mirza come my way

Ohde je hi main te oh mere varga,
hansda ae sajra sawere varga,
ankha bandh kar la te thande hanere varga

I am like him and he like me

When he laughs he ushers in bright morning

when he closes his eyes he is like cool of night.

ohde je hi main te o Mirza mere varga

I am like him and he like me

Naal naal tur na te vith rakhna
hadd rakh lena wich dil rakhna,
chhanve chhanve paawe assi teri parchhawe tur na

Lets walk together but keep some distance
Lets keep our hearts in that distance
but lets walk together even if it is walking as your shadow.

As well be Dead

Surrounded by darkness

Venom of retribution

Closed doors, empty corridors

No trespassing

No sacred earth

Just a no man’s land

Every step fraught in minefield

Nothing escapes the watchful eye

Nothing spared off memory

All transgressions etched in time

Void of story, just the basic facts

Unrelenting judgment

Unforgiving hatred

Halfhearted compromises

Missing touch

As well be dead

As well be dead

Blank

Voices in my head

they don't heed to me anymore

have a life of their own

and me as a slave

critique everything I do

fight over each small detail

perspectives and bitter hurt

and they keep it alive

keep rambling

keep mumbling

keep ranting

For a second all is silent

and then the racket returns

YOU ARE A LOSER

WILL ALWAYS BE TAKEN FOR RIDE

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE

THINK ABOUT YOURSELF MAN

THE GUILT YOU FEEL IS YOUR UNDOING

I AM SO SORRY MAN

I WISH I COULD CHANGE PAST

I WISH I CAN CHANGE PRESENT

I WANT TO BREAK FREE NOW

NOBODY OWNS YOU

NOBODY CARES

THERE IS NO LOVE HERE

THERE IS NO PEACE TO BE HAD

LET GO LET GO LET GO

BULLET THROUGH HEAD

WHY FIGHT, FOR WHAT FOR WHOM

IT IS OVER MAN, WHEN WILL YOU NOTICE

BE A MAN AND TAKE CONTROL

YOU WUSS, GO FUCK YOURSELF

YOU CAN DO BETTER

YOU DESERVE BETTER

I DON'T BELONG

I DON'T BELIEVE

I FEEL LONELY

THINK POSITIVE

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO THINK

CIRCLES, YOU GO IN CIRCLES

YOU BET ON WRONG PEOPLE

I WANT TO DIE

I WANT SOME PEACE

YEAH RIGHT, YOU COWARD

YOU BLOODY NO GOOD PIECE OF WRETCH

WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE

close my eyes

try to usher in some sanity

try to think something good and warm

and all i hit is a blank

blank as a desert

blank as the void that fills cosmos

blank as my life has become

blank as the mind wants to feel

Happy Diwali

After a long hiatus, I think I am ready to write again.
and hopefully this time around I will make sure that I keep coming back to write.

Have seen pretty much everything there is to see in life. Last 11 years have been a journey for self realisation and discovery. Lost a lot and gained a lot. All in all a much wiser and mellowed down version of me is writing this post today.

Back from dead, hope to stay this way.

Many happy returns of the day

Wish you all the happiness and luck this 31st year of your life :-)

Good bye, Blue Sky!!

Another phase another life
Time to lift up my wares
Move to the next fair
Like a true vagabond
Gained nothing, lost some
Chanced upon sacred earth
Though someone else’s
Committed sacrilege
Though never believed
Expected the world
Fell on my face
Another day another place
Another face another phase




Allure of solitude lies in it being perennial.

Broken

Broken into a hundred little pieces

broken hope

broken lies

broken highs

Happiness

Playing with perspectives, I lost the original one
Lost the hope of ever finding it even
and then I saw it coming back to me
like a slow motion capture
of moments gone by
I could see what it meant to be happy
I have juggled perspectives
but not lived my own
in quest to understand
I have let the experience slip by
pre-occupied with black and white
I ceased to believe in greys
I trying to be human
I forgot the essence of humanity
am happy and content for a change.

Allure of Solitude

I seem to be doing something wrong
cannot get the hang of it
perhaps too desperate for good things
perhaps a bit naive as always
I have begin to expect I guess
the evil that expectations are
was untouched by them for some time
not prepared for the invasion
"protect yourself", screams out each pore
and yet I don't heed to warning
and plunge deep into treacherous currents
I deserve it, me thinks
for forgetting my own saying

"Allure of Solitude lies in it being perennial"

Scarlet is the color of choice

scarlet were you when I saw you
scarlet were your eyes
scarlet was rage in you
scarlet was desire
scarlet was the passion
the blood that gushed was scarlet too

Barnacles, thousands of blistering barnacles !!

Sitting at Pondi seafront, I saw some stones, partially submerged in
water. They had marine growth on them. This made me think of Barnacles
and the challenge they face to the sea faring vessels. Then I
questioned myself "why the hell do you know about barnacles" and
realized I read a book marine vessel maintenance as a kid.
I used to love book fairs. But didn't have money to spend buying
books. At best I would have 5-20 INR. Russian books were the coolest
stuff I could lay my hands on.
Choice of books was not decided by interest, but by how much it costs
and how big/thick it is. A bigger book presumably had more to offer.
It was in one such fair that I picked up my book about barnacles.

Had a big grin on my face when I concluded this chain of thought.

Happy Diwali

My blog I miss thee

Nothing reminds one of the blog than a bad day. I have had my share of bad days and today was another one I could add to the list. Started normally, but then somewhere it just went downhill and I for one did not try to recover. I let the whirlwinds of misfortune engulf me and stoke my fire of discontent.

Opened up to someone, felt embarrassed about the same. Got lectured by a few, did not feel anything about it. Was mistook, but did not care,  gave it back in kind. Was rejected, felt bad, but decided not to let my guard down.

Simple asks, small expectations and none of them can be met.

Hope to have a better day tomorrow.

In search of belief

Sore with discontent
Oblivion beckons
Fade out or live long
Perhaps not an option
Choices are illusions
Life a big lie
Return to innocense
Most desired
Loath and anguish
No logic to talk about
Haze of negativity
Call it depression
Yet it is life still
No pride no prejudice
Just an unflinching death wish
Nothing to hang on to
Or so it seems
Can this all end please
Cannot watch the re-runs again
Cannot see the downward spiral
Cannot live without belief
Cannot make room for belief as well.

Animal Within

Am an animal

a pig, an ape, a wolf

satiating the instincts, is all I seek

then I wear the robe of intellect

and have a mental fuck.