Small piles of gold

small piles of gold
that house you own
car you drive
clothes you wear
attachments you foster
expectations you build
rules you follow
rhythm of society 
live by and for, 
small piles of gold

Ignore the soul
unfettered freedom it desires
like a distant dream we dream
flowing with the tide of time
locust, the time
eating through our lives
will live tomorrow, one day, some day
promises hollowing our intentions
sitting on fence
ruing the very existence
bound like slaves in chains
to small piles of gold

conflicted mind
pure heart
misinterpreted actions
lonesome thoughts
imagined regrets
stomping of desires
bindings of fate
tethers of emotions
Last breath you take
none of this will matter
you shall cease to be
as will piles of gold

Smile

A haunting would best describe

what I have felt this life to be

can't ascribe a reason to wishes

can't ride or live on them either

pining for past present and yes future

knowing well the illusion of control

Why can't for once I be at peace

journey into nothingness

in search for equanimity

The smile is still the same

but eyes, they can't hide the pain

Anger

I am disconcerted. Conflicted and irritated too

Perhaps it is time to take back seat

who am I to contemplate or proclaim

I don't understand social constructs

I don't understand confirming

I have burnt all bridges I crossed

I don't get why free will is curtailed

Or how expectations work

 

Today for the first time in a long long time I felt that angst of wanting something to change. I am angry and agitated. It is as if I am expecting something from someone who cannot possibly fathom the rationale of the same or doesn't have the strength to swim against the current, at least not for now anyway.

I have never felt anger in this context

It bothers me

Because I tend to burn everything down with my anger. If there is one pattern in my life, it is my anger and how I have hurt myself because of it. So I guess I need to learn and observe it and not let it get in the way.

Yesterday was a low
today ain't it though
tomorrow would see
a whole new aspect of me
yet there is a constant
yearning perhaps, if I may

Why

peeking through memories
life not mine
window dressing deceives
make them seem mine
I ain't that thou
like Sy in OneHourPhoto
wish to be part of tableau
breathe and live a dream
wishes, oh they have wings
to fly far and high
no place to land though
just a dreamland to survive
melancholy of existence
flamed by false sense of loss
and a vision to die for

why do I live, oh why!

Wail

Hold on to the semblance of sanity
chaos anyways rules the soul
some wishes just can't be
no matter how the innards mourn

Deliverance be mine

gaping hole in the soul

discovered by fate

gnawing at his core

his incapability he knows

karma unfolding he understands

yearning he can't control

each day sobers his want

progression for peace

to be undone once more

for he is not worthy

of the gift he seeks

judgment bemoans

finality of binding causation

banality of his damnation

challenged to rise

bound down by chains

he bows to the destiny

"deliverance be mine"

 

  

Magic

Some days, music is your savior. Who says magic is dead J

My playlist today started as such

https://youtu.be/bx1Bh8ZvH84

Yes, Wonderwall

https://youtu.be/ntlpTad3PLM

High and Low J

https://youtu.be/2O6duDDkhis

The System Only Dreams in Total Darkness

https://youtu.be/m_ZRWZv14SA

Yes, something to believe in

And finally

https://youtu.be/QeMriDOkn7U

sometimes, if you really do listen,

magic speaks to you

What he saw

He saw himself in mirror

Off of veneers

Ugly, petty, selfish him

Inane, laughing, lunatic him

Delusional, hurt, diabolic him

Inconsolable, broken, loser him

Desperate, illogical, emotional him

Unloved, unappreciated, despicable him

Misunderstood, misrepresented, mistaken him

He saw himself long and hard

Stared into his eyes and did not blink

Till everything faded but the fiery dots

Ablaze as a funeral pyre

Lit up by some random hire

No today no tomorrow

No celebration no sorrow

Gone like a speck of dust

No one cared and why they would

His untended wants

His life lessons

His works of art

His silent obsession

Of that one word

How he wished to be called

Won't happen, it's not his to have

One thousand promises

Made and kept

No rhyme no reason

Yet still it hurts

Mortal Struggle

Something is not right

I am sure 

or I am delusional paranoid

hard to say which one it is

mind won't let me rest

heart ready to explode

or implode perhaps

hard to say which one it is

Immerse my senses or run fast

numb my senses or pretend

feel so alive, oh the pain

am I really alive, oh the pain

moments of bliss, welcome breeze

agony, misery, masochism in the same vein

bound, trapped yet freer than ever

loved, accepted yet lonelier than ever

count my blessings they say

flickering glow of a firefly

hope and despair

light and dark

mortal fight with mortal dilemmas

immortal path to immortal ideals

limits of body and limits of mind

limit transcendence, limit my life

soul free of vessel, I seek

pure consciousness 

devoid of pain

pure love, hope and peace incarnate

Vagabond, thats who

A vagabond, thats who

Searching for what

Elated and devastated

Alone yet with company

perpetrator  and sufferer alike

Lost in this life and that too

Looked for love, found illusions

Cherished and abandoned 

No grudges to hold

Trampled and misunderstood

Taken for granted and judged

No judgement or vengeance sought

A fool who believed the fable

Longing to belong

Undoing all

Labelled yet again

A vagabond, thats who

Ignorance is Bliss

How does it come to pass that the most authentic people feel like frauds to themselves?
It is because they are striving for a higher standard than anyone around them?
People who care about the dichotomy of thoughts, who hang on the hons of dilemma. People who don't like having double standards, people who take reality for what it is.
Why do such people have the worst of fights inside of them? when everyone around them is not even aware of the fake and double lives they are living.
I guess ignorance is truly bliss.

Pain so sweet

Heart in a blender

Feeling as raw as one could

seething mass of emotions

like big waves at a stormy sea

need to dive deep

away from the churn

find the pearls of wisdom

that bind us within

fickle mind treads on surface

eludes from peace to be had

to many what ifs and why nots

fight them all though I do

they keep coming back

and drown me out

I die and am reborn

with faith still intact

calm doesn't last long 

blender goes churning again

feels like purgatory of sorts

with heaven and hell in balance

give me strength give me wisdom

give me patience and let me be

show me how I can heal

give me fortitude, and gleaming hope

lift my blinds and let me run

make it bearable, this pain so sweet

for I want to live till it bears fruit

Find me some solace please

Pretending to be alright

with my heart in a vice

hazy vision, clouded thoughts

laboured breaths, heavy feet

a low that seems to drown

smile on my face

and a welcome song in heart

I force myself to hum

tone deaf cheery tune
every moment a fight 

denial of negativity

hope that i sow

it crumbles before it finds root

yet I keep sowing

waiting for benevolent rain

drench me in your essence

make me see what I see not

guide me, help me, rescue me

prayers after a long pause

not to lose self to dark

show me a glimmer

a light i can follow on

tell me to have heart

tell me it will be alright

remind me to love

remind me to live

remind me to be

Some Vs Most

Some days, things I will never be, bother me

Most days, things I am supposed to be, do motivate

Some days, the agony of desire derails me

Most days, I am able to keep a sane head

Some days, need for a warm body overwhelms

Most days, need for an understanding soul dominates

Some days, lows fog my brain and I yearn for light

Most days, light you shine sees me through

Why

What goes up, has to come down

Circles must be completed

Life must be celebrated

Misery must be endured

Melancholy must be embraced

Squalid quagmires of present reveled

Hope and faith nurtured

Belief for a deliverance nurtured

Overwhelmed by the tall ask

Knowing what the heart wants

Song that soul yearns for

Embrace that is truly mine

Love waiting beyond the chasm

Mind livid with current excess

Being sounds like a wail

Stars that guide don’t give warmth

Not just yet anyways

And the lows engulf, desolation descends

Darkness dances, eyes well over

Rage within wants the world to burn

Voices inside question existence

Why suffer, oh why at all

Why pretend to play

Make believe happiness

Live off the fumes at all

One Last Stand

Surrounded by shroud of haze

One can't see both ways

What's in mind cannot be felt

What I feel cannot be conveyed

What can be conveyed cannot be acted on

A spiral sucking me into its vortex

Coming undone is easy

Staying whole a different ball game

To make a blind leap requires faith

Belief isn't easy to come by though

Auto tuned to desecrate

Heart is frivolous, needs to be tamed

Mind over matter

Light over darkness

Love over indifference

Stoic in the face of misery

Blossoms over the gloom of winter

Soul knows what it wants, but knowing isn't living

Here I sit and let the time go by

A stream of memories never made

Remembrances like dreams they come

Vivid and abstract at the same time

I can feel the emotions yet the specifics elude me

Wish to be done with stronger than ever

Harp on all the goodness

The vile me lies hidden

Waiting to catch me off guard

Looking to square it off

Yet I stand brave and tall

Ready for one last stand

He saw a prayer once.

He saw a prayer once

She was pretty and innocent still

An ode to gods and their creation

A garland of wishes, a bouquet of devotion

Hopes for bounty, affirmation to beliefs. 

Serenity of acceptance, certainty of fate

Heart ripe with emotions, soul that is content. 

She saw him too and accepted his gratitude.

Shall We

Shall we shall we

Play the game shall we

I play dumb you play mute

Both play blind and both play crude

I saw your web

I saw you tease

I saw you try hard to please

I heard you laugh

I heard you cry

Till those damn tears turned dry

In the lair so deep

Rotting away in sleep

Endless ego senseless mind

Breathless body in a bind

Battered and bruised by daily grind 

Wake up wake up

Sun is up and stars are lost

Dreamers are done cutting cost

In the offing is something new

Known only to a select few

Treasure hunter and storm chasers

All gather to build a phaser

Target locked destruction decided

People of power won't be chided

No one fight was ever one sided

Delusion

Delusion is important. Without Delusion there is no greatness. Think of any visionary, were they not called delusional? Love is delusion but without love nothing is possible. Faith is delusion, belief is delusion, the world we live in, the world we crave for, all delusions.
We can't do without it, we are all delusional.

Pain that is love ❤️

Being in love is experiencing pain
Pain that doesn't die out
Even when love does.

Ghalib got it so right!!!

Mohabbat me nahi hai farq jeene aur marne ka
Usi ko dekh kar jeete hain, jis kaafir pe dum nikle. 


Think of it, there really is no difference between the feeling of longing for someone or a low that descends on you when depressed. Only silver lining is perhaps the fact that you can do wishful thinking while pining away and make it enjoyable (in a masochist kind of way).

Essence of Sadness

Nothing is sad till its over
Then everything is

- Dr Who

More than a decade

Has been more than a decade
Wheels were set in motion
Life was to be lived
Love was to be won
Norms had to be broken
I wasn't alone, or was I
couldn't get out unscathed
yet lived on, for better or worse

now all I want is to be in the moment
scared to feel, scared to fall
constantly on guard
loss makes one understand
the true nature of yearning
and vividness of regrets
and desperateness for a time machine
and finally acceptance dawns
yet the loss is still so real
in the nightmares that visit
wake up soaked in sweat
crying and heaving still

If I could apologize, I would
If I could burn the world
I would
If I could forgive myself
I should

Prayer

Wish I could cry out loud

All I want is to cry
To let the cathartic wave engulf me
Tears they don't flow any more
If only I could shed a few
All the low stacked up
Wants to ebb over and flow
If only it could have the passage

SAPPY

Some days, they are exceptionally bad

today being one

I know why I am low

but don't see a point to it

all I can do is listen to Sappy and feel more low.

He'll keep you in a jar,
And you'll think you're happy...
He'll give you breathing holes,
And you'll think you're happy...
He'll cover you with grass,
And you'll think you're happy...  

Such is life

To weave a story, where there is none
A malady, an anomaly
but life is such

फूँक दे

This songs reverberates so well with what I feel right now. 

जब नशा टूटता है 

कितने टुकड़े गिरे हैं

होश चुनने लगे हम 

हम भी क्या सिर फिरे हैं 

लब पर जल रही है 

वो बात फूँक दे 

होंठों से रात की 

यह राख फूँक दे 

हयात फूँक दे

हवास फूँक दे 

साँस से सिला हुआ लिबास फूँक दे। 

~ankit

_____________

sent from mobile

life as I want it

craziness should abate

life should get to normal

stoic me should prevail

don't need love

don't need malice

enough of mediocrity

no bleeding hearts

may the gushing stop

like a soft putty I shall mold

and then in inferno I shall burn

to come out strong and tall

won't give in

won't let go of life as I want it

Yearning

Soar up in the sky

leave the horizons behind

venture into the void beyond

it feels a lot like one inside of me

vast expanse of nothing

bogged down by inconsequential tidbits

but they tease me and make me yearn

make me want to want some more

beyond the first star

the second and the third

the count goes on

lost in near infinity

trying to find my way home

where is home

it used to be here but no more

it used to be there but no more

an acid trip to get back home

to get back to the love and the pain

move on now, says ground control

there is nothing to move on to

says the voice in my head

traces of a dream linger on

she had revealed the intimate secret

I saw her with vermilion

didn't register it was for me

saw two boys and a happy extended family

like heaven that would never be

and then it fades to oblivion

still fighting demons I fought

trying to be strong when I am not

brave when I am not

feet primed to run

I am rooted to the vision

a lonely oddball among stars

no unsolicited love

no solicited sorrow

just plain abstract agony

and emotions too strong

emptiness inside me that yearns

and yearns and yearns some more