Fibromyalgia

So I have Fibromyalgia, this is the latest diagnosis after a torrent of tests in last few days. Nothing came out positive, and yet the pain exists and is more disabling than ever.
Finally read about it here and it is a point by point description of all I have been through.
Phew at least now I know what I am suffering from.

Why am I sick

Somedays I feel like climbing to the top of a hill and screaming my lungs out, screaming about how I feel, how I hate being sick, how I am tired of trying to be good, how I hate myself.
Just then a voice inside my head says "Leave it man, who will do the hike"

I am sure there is a pattern here, my only problem I am not able to see it.
I am sure some good is coming out of me being perennially sick, but am not sure what is it.

Tomorrow I go to the doc again, and all he will say is that "there seems to be some infection, somewhere"
I am allergic to something, it might be Bangalore I guess.

subdued mind, trying to seek patterns
in the chaos that surrounds it
colorful pyramids of light
playing the cosmic music in abundance
they dance and they light up some insight
and then they vanish without a trace
the constant throbbing at temples
involuntary breathing and pain from severed nerves
eyes with grainy vision
an itch where I cannot reach and scratch
an itch where it hurts the most

Appetite for crying

While commuting to office and back I hope there would be lots and lots of traffic on Bangalore roads, so that I can get more time to turn up the volume and listen to songs from TZP [Taare Zameen Par], and cry my heart out, in the privacy of my car, sunglasses shielding my eyes :-)
Have been doing this since Sunday, and I can't seem to stop the tears each time I listen to the music.
Kholo Kholo, Mera Jahan, Maa and Jame Raho, these are my favourites form the soundtrack and I have not gotten tired of listening to them again and again.

Another Sunset

Kholo Kholo - Taare Zameen Par

Kholo Kholo Darwaze
Parde Karo Kinare
Khuntey Se Bandhi Hai Hawa
Mil Ke Chhudao Saare

Aajao Patang Leke
Apney Hi Rang Leke
Aasmaan Ka Shamiyana
Aaj Hamein Hai Sajana

Kyun Is Kadar Hairaan Tu
Mausam Ka Hai Mehmaan Tu
O, Duniya Sajee Tere Liye
Khud Ko Zara Pehchaan Tu

Tu Dhoop Hain Cham Se Bikhar
Tu Hai Nadee O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jahan Teri Toh Manzil Hai Wahin

O, Kyun Is Kadar Hairaan Tu
Mausam Ka Hai Mehmaan Tu

Baasi Zindagi Udaasi
Taazi Hasney Ko Raazi
Garma Garma Saari
Abhi Abhi Hai Utaari

O, Zindagi To Hain Patasha
Meethi Meethi Si Hai Aasha
Chakh Le Rakh Le
Hatheli Se Dhak Le Ise

Tujh Mein Agar Pyaas Hai
Baarish Ka Ghar Bhi Pass Hai
O, Roke Tujhe Koi Kyon Bhala
Sang Sang Tere Aakash Hai

Tu Dhoop Hain Cham Se Bikhar
Tu Hai Nadee O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jahan Teri Toh Manzil Hai Wahin

Khul Gaya Aasmaan Ka Rasta Dekho Khul Gaya
Mil Gaya Kho Gaya Tha Jo Sitara Mil Gaya, Mil Gaya

O, Roshan Hui Saari Zameen
Jagmag Hua Saara Jahaan
Udne Ko Tu Azad Hai
Bandhan Koi Abh Hai Kahan

Tu Dhoop Hain Cham Se Bikhar
Tu Hai Nadee O Bekhabar
Beh Chal Kahin Ud Chal Kahin
Dil Khush Jahan Teri Toh Manzil Hai Wahin

O, Kyun Is Kadar Hairaan Tu
Mausam Ka Hai Mehmaan Tu

Taare Zameen Par

If you are going to watch just one Hindi movie this year, let this be your choice and trust me you won't come out disappointed. A Brilliant film, that put all my apprehensions about Amir Khan's directorial debut to rest from the very first frame, and it never ever slipped, not even once.
Mera to saara childhood hi revise ho gaya. I was absolutely high strung after watching the movie and still am after having slept over it. It is not a sad film, it is an overwhelming experience.
It was amazing to watch what I have always believed in, being played on screen,
and all I could do was wish that a character like Nikumbh Sir would have been part of my life.
Each and every moment in the movie is worth cherishing. the antics of eshaan, his insecurities his fears. This is not a film about dyslexia, This is a movie about childhood and all the fantastic voyages we all took back then.
If you want to know just how vulnerable a child can get, get off your ass and go watch this movie.

And the music is simply superb. I know I am running out of superlatives, but this movie deserves that.

The Bad Touch

Love the lyrics of this song, have been humming it ever since I heard it.

Jaadu

Raagapella – Jaadu Teri Nazar

Still on Nat geo

To all the guys who think that they are perverts or over-obsessed with sex {which we all are}, relax. We are far better than males of a particular species, who are literally on a suicide mission to get laid.
yes I am talking about black widow spider.

Mating Dance

Ever watched Nat Geo, when they play those animal kingdom mate stories? Well I did and had a blinding flash of an insight.
Males of all species participate in a primal ritual labeled "mating dance" to woo the female of the species. They go to great lengths and odds to stand out as the best mate a female can get.
We as humans, are supposed to be intelligent, but just look at us, we have the most complex mating dance of all times.
It is called Marriage.

Trainspotting

I so loved this that I had to post it.
This sums up everything one can do in ones mediocre life....

shared intimacies and a lonesome whisper
love that blooms and withers on cue
where no one is just your own
every moment shared with a select few
all travellers converge at one port
no one owns it, no one can claim to
his was a journey so defiant
he crossed the desert to arrive
another one swam across oceans
yet another bled his heart out
all converge at the mecca of their calling
and pray for the boons to be bestowed
It was long ago, but still it seems fresh
the blood is still hot as it was in veins
imagination riots in unimaginable directions
each one reason for his own misery
like the strings plucked in harmony
they weep the music of their souls
no other tribute will do
no other sacrifice will register

This is hilarious

Pain is all mine

Open the door and usher in some light
watch the dismal darkness fade away
question your sorrow, your beliefs
ponder what was good, forget the bad
bury the visions that haunt you
they are but ghosts of time gone by
no one to speak to, nothign to speak about
all that ails me is in my head
a smoke filled room, where I cannot breath
a lost love that I can't feel
blind to plight of people around me
I walk like the ghost of my dreams
obsessed with self and all that i desire
time heals all and time is my recluse
but till that happens, pain is all mine

Nightmares

Dreams, they strike again
or should i call them nightmares
themes beyond comprehension
days spent deliberating the subconscious
relationships of hate and betrayal
and yet they hurt so much
as the days go by
and the dust starts to settle
there is just devastation to be seen
as far as one could see

Winter is setting in

did you see the leaves fall
the clutter on the roads
all the shades of brown and yellow

the winter would be long this year

I don't dread the cold
nor do I fear the depressing mornings
brooding afternoons are welcome
as are restless evenings
but there is no spring in offing
no promise of summer as far as i can see

the winter would be long this time around

the chill is setting in my bones
my heart has gone all but cold
some times there is a flutter at the core
but thaw is no more in sight
the clots are beginning to form
the hurt oozes out of wounds still
each passing day is endearing
each morbid thought welcome
the hush after the rush
the summer that lasted a bit too long

the winter promises to last a long time too

Weekend getaway

Diwali - Festival of Lights

Marlboro Lights


555 Lights


B&H Lights

Racing along

I have been thinking about this one incident for quite some time now. am not able to get it out of my mind. I don't know how I came to remember it, It just flashed in my mind as I was driving down to office after a whole week of being sick.
I would have been in 4th or 5th standard, so that means i would have been 8 or 9 year old. School was having the annual sports day, and this was the first time we were taken out from school premises to a big ground somewhere near the school. I remember being excited, because I had my birthday approaching.
anyway, it was 100m or maybe 50m race that I lined up to participate in. I had a friend, Manish Kr Sinkoo, standing next to me. I started running along with other kids, and soon everyone started getting ahead of me, i ran as hard as I could, but it was no good, I was not good enough. I called Manish to wait, he wouldn't listen and when i felt him getting away too, I held him. I held his arm and tried to stop him, he yelled out to some teacher for help, and yanked his arm away from me.
I had tears in my eyes, no breath in my lungs, legs giving way under me.
I think Abhishek Rawat won the race, Manish Kr Sinkoo lost out because of me. I don't remember if I completed the race.

Shadow of a Ghost

Have written a million words
still there is want for more
have wandered a thousand miles
still no destiny in sight
each day pegs a new hope
some of it denial
some of it pure hope
struggle to keep my sanity
fails me at times
there is life and love beyond lucidity
so i like to believe
the smoldering bars keep me captive
scare of burns keeps me in check
scarred beyond recognition
I try to find myself in mirror
witness I do, a shadow of a ghost

Untouched, Unfazed, Unmoved
A place to rest, re-vitalize
fill up the venom before another crusade
Forget all, remember self, just the self
No love no hate, couldn’t care any less
Caught amidst strangers, but stranger to none
Long lost look in the eyes again
Amnesia in setting, peace in offing
How long will it last
Hope for a lifetime…………..

Ghosts of Anguish

Will the ghosts ever lie down and rest

they rose from the anguish of the soul

in an instant of morbid pain

and they have kept him haunted

he walks like a zombie

trying to escape the wrath they inflict

like true ghosts, they cannot be seen 

but by the one who is haunted.

They concoct ethereal images of despair

string of events with cause and effect

the cause often misunderstood

the effect that doesn't seem to heal

tortured soul asking for reprieve

everything in sight,broken and shattered

logic defied by slew of perspectives

they show up when least expected

and draw the life force out of him

he is happy in a moment of ignorant bliss

and the next moment finds him in abyss

triggered by thoughts he cannot control

powered by mind he cannot fight

They dance around him

like long shadows around a bonfire

fire of his soul flickers

by the constant pokes from these shadows

and he loses the will to live

Destination Nowhere

I read a book
it doesn't seem to end
thousand pages i have read
and yet the end is nowhere near
characters keep appearing and vanishing
no apparent design no apparent destiny
sarcasm without wit
irony without intent
maybe i should finish this chapter
close the book and pick up another one
Perhaps I have to read this one
cover to cover

a trail of talking pictures
it seems like the soap opera
it never ends
new twists, new plots
new actors for old cliches
facts stranger than fiction
no sir, no truth here
just an unabashed indulgence
no shame, no remorse
take it or leave it
but leave it i can't
the reels keep rolling
am glued to the spot
till end credits roll out

I witnessed death the other day
a giant came from behind my left
missed me by a few feet
carved an arc towards my right
mangling everything in its way
for a moment there was deafening silence
followed by a wail from a child
then the honking to get out of way
people rushing to destinations
destinations important than crushed humans
I stopped for a few moments
then continued on my course too
shaken but not stirred

Venom and lonliness

A creepy crawling snake
wrapped around a twig
slithering its way
up the rotten branch
remnants of a tree trunk
after termites had there way
the branch snaps
the snake falls down
creepy crawly snake
the vicious venomous snake
it is hurt and it is hurt bad
oh please will no one help it
It tosses in agony
poor helpless snake
everyone is scared of it
yet all it wants
is not to be alone just then

walking a lone path

Fallen petals from wilted flowers

spread on the  road to horizon

bloom is over, warmth is receding

it is going to be a long night

last hint of light at horizon faints

and we are left alone

I didn't see the clouds come in

did you?

the stars and moon have disappeared

under the thick blanket

It will pour soon

lets get cosy in some place dry

will you?

I search frantically for cover

everything is so dark now

can't see my hands in front of me

and yet hurry we must

can you?

We let go of each others hand

and now we are lost in this abyss

suddenly I am scared

have I lost you forever

i call out you name

i wait for you to call

did you?

Stranger in strange land

Strange is the land on which he treads
seeking blood for vengeance within
he stops and sniffs, yes there is hatred here
someone will fall for the false hope again
some eyes will always be moist
some hearts will beat with deception
someone will be every ones fool

he enters a cave marked red
a thousand eyes stare back unconvinced
they have seen the ascent
they have witnessed the retreat
the darkness engulfs him now
and yet he keeps walking along
something is squelching under his feet
some faded whimpers, some squealed threats
he can't see what he treads on
unseen unnoticed unforgiven,
they die under his feet

just as sudden is the advent of light
his feet are red, blood red, red
his hand still holds the sword of malice
and he wears the shield of ignorance
forever protected in his own heaven
oblivious of any agony but his own
he yearns for satisfaction
he yearns for instant gratification

It keeps raining

It keeps raining
everything has become damp
I can feel the mist inside my head
wooden doors don't close anymore
windows don't shut to keep the water out
I feel like drowning in this flood
and it keeps raining still

The food i eat is moist with water
thoughts are laden with crumbling wetness
eyes are always on verge of tears
skin yearns for some dryness someplace
someplace without the slimy touch
the rot is rot deep now
and it is raining still

the haze in my mind is getting dense
the coldness of solitude disturbs me
it plays peek-a-boo
catching me unawares each time
clouds have cluttered out all the light
I ride around desperately
seeking golden sunshine
and yet it rains still
it rains cats and dogs

Lost Cause

A thousand ships sail towards sun
each one carrying the hope of life
each searching for the island of life
sails set high, urgency in air
cover the maximum ground
or drown in the star dust
burnt by sun, skin peeling off
they still manoeuvre the vessel
charting set co-ordinates
under the shade of stars

the last of the scions
the last of the czars
the last of humanity
all bundled up inside
scrouging over morsels
already inhuman
they are the lost hope
oblivious of the fire
concerned about nothing
they fight the trivialities

No redemption sought
yet the men at top
toil so hard
to set the right course
time will make them see perhaps
the cause that was already lost

The land white
sky purest of blue
settlements rising on distant hills
taking the form of the hill
the lines of slope
going all the way up to the hilltop
then suddenly bursting into a monastery
flags flying high
chants flowing along with wind
people humbled by nature
searching the meaning of life
yet life continues in the wretches of nature
no rain, no snow, a few lakes and desolation
a cold desert, with a few specks of life
hard mountains, soft valleys
a few passes here and there
here nature is unforgiving
it will eat you alive if you stray
no help for thousands of miles
and yet people want to live
no conveniences of a sprawling metropolis
no rapid transport systems
a lonely walk down the hill to fill water
a steep climb uphill to the destination
life slowed down to enable sustenance
life slowed down to a breathtaking reverie