Blabber

teary eyes with a tear drop rolling down
and the voice that said, I am fine
the smile that said it all
the touch that sealed my fate
a love for the lovelorn
a symphony of wails
a requiem for a notion
and he fades away into a golden sunset

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Question

What am I doing with my life? This question crops up every now and then and has been on my radar for such a long time now that I have a strange kind of familiarity associated with it. But really, am I looking for a solution or just whiling away my time. Close to 11 at night, and waiting to get into an offshore call with onsite bosses, I ponder over it once again.
Something has to be done, something quick, something decisive.
Cannot keep my eyes closed anymore. Have to wake up.
Listen man..... this is a wake up call.
How many more of these are you going to need, you lazy bum

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Jala hai jism jahan, dil bhi jal gaya hoga
Kuredte ho jo ab raakh, justju kya hai
~ghalib

Epitaph

No better no worse
not a sage nor a devil
not a lesser man
nor a man enough
not a loser
nor a success
not a prodigy
nor senile
a bit depressed
a bit unwell
a bit dreamy
a bit weepy
like a breeze that flows
a flicker of light
lost in the thick of dark
a bundle of thoughts
and ideas
lost in translation

mostly harmless.
 

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

I have to apologize to myself...........
for being the foul mouth I never wanted to be
for becoming what I hate the most


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Jung Revisited

I again took the Jung's test and this time around I am more of a feeling type (whatevre that crap means) am actually an ambivert (50% introvert/50% extrovert)
so I am INFP or ENFP
INFP
creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

ENFP
outgoing, social, disorganized, easily talked into doing silly things, spontaneous, wild and crazy, acts without thinking, good at getting people to have fun, pleasure seeking, irresponsible, physically affectionate, risk taker, thrill seeker, likely to have or want a tattoo, adventurous, unprepared, attention seeking, hyperactive, irrational, loves crowds, rule breaker, prone to losing things, seductive, easily distracted, open, revealing, comfortable in unfamiliar situations, attracted to strange things, non punctual, likes to stand out, likes to try new things, fun seeker, unconventional, energetic, impulsive, empathetic, dangerous, loving, attachment prone, prone to fantasy

Career options
performer, actor, entertainer, songwriter, musician, filmmaker, comedian, radio broadcaster/dj, some job related to theater/drama, poet, music journalist, work in fashion industry, singer, movie producer, playwright, bartender, comic book author, work in television, dancer, artist, record store owner, model, freelance artist, teacher (art, drama, music), writer, painter, massage therapist, costume designer, choreographer, make up artist

&

poet, painter, freelance artist, musician, writer, art therapist, teacher (art, music, drama), songwriter, art historian, library assistant, composer, work in the perfoming arts, art curator, playwrite, bookseller, cartoonist, video editor, photographer, philosopher, record store owner, digital artist, cinematographer, costume designer, film producer, philosophy professor, librarian, music therapist, enviromentalist, movie director, activist, bookstore owner, filmmaker

Disfavoured Career
business professional, manager, executive, administrator, business owner, supervisor, office manager, business analyst, financial analyst, public relations manager, ceo, executive assistant, judge, event coordinator, lawyer, office worker

&

data analyst, scientist, researcher, financial advisor, business analyst, govt employee, office manager, mathematician, investment banker, office worker, computer tech, it professional, network engineer, strategist


Dunno what to make out of it, other than the fact that I might be in the wrong profession afterall :-)

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Simple pleasures of life

• Listening to a good Rock number and being tempted to head bang along with it.
• Getting high on pot and philosophising about life
• Sitting in silence with someone you want to be with
• Being in midst of Nature, on top of a hill, with your arms opened and you let the cloud pass through, small droplets on your eye lashes, wet hair and a rejunevated soul
• Driving my car to 160 Km/h, all my mind on the road
• Riding my bike to 120 Km/h on the way to office
  
• driving non-stop for hours, no thoughts in mind, nothing except the road ahead
• Getting a call from someone having blues and letting then know that this is not the end
• Calling up someone when I have blues and talking about things totally un-related.
• Reading good humour
• Reading a book that engrosses me so much that I become a part of the characters
• Watching movies and getting lost in the celluloid dreams
• Imagining ideal relationships, ideal humans, ideal society.
• Living in future
• Living in remote past
• Being comfortable with my dark self, relishing it, to the point of modest Narcissism

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Thinking about it

Some one who is doomed,
his days left for counting,
how would you know his pain?
How would you know
million little deaths he dies
every moment worse than before
how he conquers his mind
body and soul
and set course on a life
waiting for death
how would you know
the battles that rage
in the middle of his heart
tearing him apart
making him think
what he did
what he wanted to do
there is no second chance coming
there is no life anymore

you will feel the pain
but once
before it all ceases to matter

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Quoting Ghalib

Have been listening to a lot of Ghalib these days and man as always I have no doubts that the man rocks :-)

he would have been "the" rock-star, if only he was born a century and a half later....

Phir kuch ik dil ko bekarari hai

seena jo ya hai zakhmkaari hai

fir us hi bewafa pe marte hain

fir wahi zindagi hamari hai

Bekhudi be-sabab nahin Ghalib

Kuch to hai jiski parda-daari hai
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Adrenaline

love me hate me
hold me thrill me
kiss me kill me
make be bow down
strike that chord again
all you want is darkness
all you want is hope
all places you have been pierced
and painted and loved so much
and still you live on
don't give them the death they want
don't die when you are still young
I will be your boatman on styx
I won't even charge you the fare
but wait for your time to come

break me if you have to
kill me if you have to
I will be your shadow still
don't call the bluff on them
they don't care for it
all they want is something barbarous
don't play to them
don't play for them
you are a star
go be one in your own galaxy
no one knows what you are worth
nobody cares too
live it up star
and fly as high as you can
never say never again
never say die

yes I know some of it is a U2 song, but I couldn't care less.
Come to think of it palagarism is one of the best tributes one can give.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya