Dwandh

अगर मैं यूं ना होता, तो भी क्या होता
अगर मैं बेचैन न होता तो भी क्या चैन होता
अगर मैं उदास न होता, तो भी क्या खुश होता
अगर अभी ज़िंदा न होता, तो भी क्या आराम होता
यूं सोचना इन सब के बारे मैं
कोई काम होता, तो भी क्या मैं बेकार होता?

पश्चाताप न करूँ तो मैं बुरा पश्चाताप करूँ तो उदासीन
उदास रहूँ तो बेरुख, खुश रहूँ तो आनन्दभोगी
कोई संतुलन नहीं इस जीवन मैं
सब या तो काला या सफ़ेद
क्यों अपने आप को इंसान मानने को मैं तैयार नहीं
क्यों अपने से यह द्वन्द्ध

The thought that I want to write about cannot be written about.

It is not fair to be this way. It is not a just world though.

emptiness, come devour me now

i want to be empty, of everything

all emotions purged

all dead forgotten

stoic, still, peace let me be

nothing should touch me

nothing should move me

no anger to yield

no love to possess

beyond material

beyond time.

peace let me be

peace let me be

It is always a struggle to forget
always a struggle to remember
always a struggle to be real

Tiredness

I am tired of my rants

like a millions hammers 

pounding away in my brain

constant chatter drowns sanity

expectations love and affection

comfort insecurities and misadventures

regrets lost and found

a million lives not lived

what could be and what is

hauntings and remembrances

shadows looming large on today

today that is not perfect

perfection that is just in mind

mind on verge of lunacy

constant screams drowned

in the agonizing void

void that is my life

I am tired, very tired

tears they have a mind of their own

roll down when you least expect

open your soul to strangers

strangers that glare

stay in dark away from glare

tucked in blanket of oblivion

lost and lonely yet sane

lost and lonely yet sane

Everything seems fake

each day a new low

don't know if I am riding a wave

or it is a crest I have fallen into

questions that need answers

questions that don't have answers

answers that make me squirm

answers I am not sure of

and while this happens

i sink into a new abyss

light is rushing away

darkness engulfs

It is cold too

and my body feels broken

No soul left in me

no warmth to give any more

Caustic Tongue
Lash lash lash
Who are you
Bang bang bang
Low esteem
Am better than you
Low confidence
I will demolish you
I love you
My pound of flesh

Heer - Jab Tak Hai Jaan - Translation

I am in love with the song..

Cannot stop listening.

Heer Ranjha and Mirza Sahibaan are love stories from Punjab.

no connection between two :-) 

now the song or at least my interpretation.

Heer thinks she is in love with Ranjha but discovers that she is actually Mirza's Sahiban.

In other words it is a song of discovering that your heart beats for someone else.

In ways it is about the deep wish to fight fate and following hearts desire.

but above all it is a beautiful love ballad, heart rendering music and deep deep lyrics.

Heer Heer na akho odiyo, Main te Sahibaan hoyi,
Khodi (Mare) leke aaye le jaaye, Khodi leke aaye le jaaye,
Le jaaye Mirza koi, Le jaaye Mirza koi

Don't call me Heer, I am but Sahiban

May he come and take me away

May some Mirza come my way

Ohde je hi main te oh mere varga,
hansda ae sajra sawere varga,
ankha bandh kar la te thande hanere varga

I am like him and he like me

When he laughs he ushers in bright morning

when he closes his eyes he is like cool of night.

ohde je hi main te o Mirza mere varga

I am like him and he like me

Naal naal tur na te vith rakhna
hadd rakh lena wich dil rakhna,
chhanve chhanve paawe assi teri parchhawe tur na

Lets walk together but keep some distance
Lets keep our hearts in that distance
but lets walk together even if it is walking as your shadow.

As well be Dead

Surrounded by darkness

Venom of retribution

Closed doors, empty corridors

No trespassing

No sacred earth

Just a no man’s land

Every step fraught in minefield

Nothing escapes the watchful eye

Nothing spared off memory

All transgressions etched in time

Void of story, just the basic facts

Unrelenting judgment

Unforgiving hatred

Halfhearted compromises

Missing touch

As well be dead

As well be dead

Blank

Voices in my head

they don't heed to me anymore

have a life of their own

and me as a slave

critique everything I do

fight over each small detail

perspectives and bitter hurt

and they keep it alive

keep rambling

keep mumbling

keep ranting

For a second all is silent

and then the racket returns

YOU ARE A LOSER

WILL ALWAYS BE TAKEN FOR RIDE

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE

THINK ABOUT YOURSELF MAN

THE GUILT YOU FEEL IS YOUR UNDOING

I AM SO SORRY MAN

I WISH I COULD CHANGE PAST

I WISH I CAN CHANGE PRESENT

I WANT TO BREAK FREE NOW

NOBODY OWNS YOU

NOBODY CARES

THERE IS NO LOVE HERE

THERE IS NO PEACE TO BE HAD

LET GO LET GO LET GO

BULLET THROUGH HEAD

WHY FIGHT, FOR WHAT FOR WHOM

IT IS OVER MAN, WHEN WILL YOU NOTICE

BE A MAN AND TAKE CONTROL

YOU WUSS, GO FUCK YOURSELF

YOU CAN DO BETTER

YOU DESERVE BETTER

I DON'T BELONG

I DON'T BELIEVE

I FEEL LONELY

THINK POSITIVE

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO THINK

CIRCLES, YOU GO IN CIRCLES

YOU BET ON WRONG PEOPLE

I WANT TO DIE

I WANT SOME PEACE

YEAH RIGHT, YOU COWARD

YOU BLOODY NO GOOD PIECE OF WRETCH

WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE

close my eyes

try to usher in some sanity

try to think something good and warm

and all i hit is a blank

blank as a desert

blank as the void that fills cosmos

blank as my life has become

blank as the mind wants to feel

Happy Diwali

After a long hiatus, I think I am ready to write again.
and hopefully this time around I will make sure that I keep coming back to write.

Have seen pretty much everything there is to see in life. Last 11 years have been a journey for self realisation and discovery. Lost a lot and gained a lot. All in all a much wiser and mellowed down version of me is writing this post today.

Back from dead, hope to stay this way.

Many happy returns of the day

Wish you all the happiness and luck this 31st year of your life :-)

Good bye, Blue Sky!!

Another phase another life
Time to lift up my wares
Move to the next fair
Like a true vagabond
Gained nothing, lost some
Chanced upon sacred earth
Though someone else’s
Committed sacrilege
Though never believed
Expected the world
Fell on my face
Another day another place
Another face another phase




Allure of solitude lies in it being perennial.

Broken

Broken into a hundred little pieces

broken hope

broken lies

broken highs

Happiness

Playing with perspectives, I lost the original one
Lost the hope of ever finding it even
and then I saw it coming back to me
like a slow motion capture
of moments gone by
I could see what it meant to be happy
I have juggled perspectives
but not lived my own
in quest to understand
I have let the experience slip by
pre-occupied with black and white
I ceased to believe in greys
I trying to be human
I forgot the essence of humanity
am happy and content for a change.

Allure of Solitude

I seem to be doing something wrong
cannot get the hang of it
perhaps too desperate for good things
perhaps a bit naive as always
I have begin to expect I guess
the evil that expectations are
was untouched by them for some time
not prepared for the invasion
"protect yourself", screams out each pore
and yet I don't heed to warning
and plunge deep into treacherous currents
I deserve it, me thinks
for forgetting my own saying

"Allure of Solitude lies in it being perennial"

Scarlet is the color of choice

scarlet were you when I saw you
scarlet were your eyes
scarlet was rage in you
scarlet was desire
scarlet was the passion
the blood that gushed was scarlet too

Barnacles, thousands of blistering barnacles !!

Sitting at Pondi seafront, I saw some stones, partially submerged in
water. They had marine growth on them. This made me think of Barnacles
and the challenge they face to the sea faring vessels. Then I
questioned myself "why the hell do you know about barnacles" and
realized I read a book marine vessel maintenance as a kid.
I used to love book fairs. But didn't have money to spend buying
books. At best I would have 5-20 INR. Russian books were the coolest
stuff I could lay my hands on.
Choice of books was not decided by interest, but by how much it costs
and how big/thick it is. A bigger book presumably had more to offer.
It was in one such fair that I picked up my book about barnacles.

Had a big grin on my face when I concluded this chain of thought.

Happy Diwali

My blog I miss thee

Nothing reminds one of the blog than a bad day. I have had my share of bad days and today was another one I could add to the list. Started normally, but then somewhere it just went downhill and I for one did not try to recover. I let the whirlwinds of misfortune engulf me and stoke my fire of discontent.

Opened up to someone, felt embarrassed about the same. Got lectured by a few, did not feel anything about it. Was mistook, but did not care,  gave it back in kind. Was rejected, felt bad, but decided not to let my guard down.

Simple asks, small expectations and none of them can be met.

Hope to have a better day tomorrow.

In search of belief

Sore with discontent
Oblivion beckons
Fade out or live long
Perhaps not an option
Choices are illusions
Life a big lie
Return to innocense
Most desired
Loath and anguish
No logic to talk about
Haze of negativity
Call it depression
Yet it is life still
No pride no prejudice
Just an unflinching death wish
Nothing to hang on to
Or so it seems
Can this all end please
Cannot watch the re-runs again
Cannot see the downward spiral
Cannot live without belief
Cannot make room for belief as well.

Animal Within

Am an animal

a pig, an ape, a wolf

satiating the instincts, is all I seek

then I wear the robe of intellect

and have a mental fuck.

Welcome 2010

White tiger

I can understand why people didn't like White Tiger. Why there was so much of criticism, you know the lieks of "this is meant for western audience" "he is selling it to the world" and such crap.

But I loved the book. It takes gumption to look into the mirror and take account of reality as it exists.

I can relate to the world of Balram, I can see his dilemmas can feel his pain and his eventual breakdown to freedom.

Only V S Naipul can be more scathing of the "Indianness" that surrounds us.

Must read I must say.

The Road

I have been reading "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy. Simply put one of the most disturbing books I have read in a long time. I am a cynic, my flavor of cynicism is "Cynical optimism", but this book stomps out any faint ray of hope I might have with regards to Humanity.

We humans are so frail and our social morality to fickle, that a single catastrophe can make all the accomplishments of human race fall like a house of cards.

There is no collective vision. We lack ideals, we are too busy surviving. When people talk about environmental issues I get pissed off, Environment is not a concern at all. Nature was there and will always be there, it will re-surface, re-mutate, re-evolve. We humans are doomed. There is no question about the impending doom. and no environment is not going to make us fall.

Let one catastrophe befall us, like a comet strike, or a foolish zealot launching a nuke, and you will see us break the thin fabric of humanity and become animals. We will rape/kill/eat each other.

No there is no hope.

Even without the catastrophe we are so close to being animals. how many liberals do you know? how many people in your circle support gay rights? how many people in your circle see religion as a propaganda? how many of you believe that humans are essentially good? How many can rise above individual concerns? Do we even believe in heroes? Is there a universal truth we all adhere to?

Freud says that eminent sense of danger makes people hypocrites. You know what, we are all hypocrites. We lie and we cheat and we loath ourselves. Or we live in oblivions.

Nothing can help us, Nothing...

Kya Haasil

kya haasil hai yun zinda rehkar

inteha ki ummeed baaki hai jo

khwaishon ko ummeed ki nazr kar

diwangi main mashroof hain hum

bemisaal hai is shehar ka manzar

har koi tanha is bheed main gum hai

dhoondta hun khud ko sare bazaar

jab ki bik chuka hai har ik zarra mera

Pink Noise at Kyra

Wet Dreams

Cityscape

Lone Flower

Cloudy Bangalore