waiting for the rain

Waiting for the rain

for rain drops to fall on my face

to hear the rat-a-tat on the roof

to see everything turn green

am waiting for the rains

when thousand souls come alive

cradle of life brims over

am waiting for the rains

when deep despairs pour out

heavens cry alongside you

and the tears bring joy

am waiting for the rains

to come home drenched

to long for something warm

to rejoice once again

to live once again

 

 

 

Road trip - I

I am sitting in a shady internet cafe in suburban Mumbai, trying to type on a keyboard that doesn't always work. The agitation creeps in, but this time I am determined not to delete the post and keep typing no matter what..
Am in Mumbai, not for work, nor for pleasure. Am visiting my folks, who had this long standing complaint that I have not been to Mumbai even though I am fokat for last 3 odd months. Yes it is true I quit my job some 3 months back. And I don't get disturbed when I think about it. In fact I feel a kind of relief that is difficult to explain.
Anyway, so I decided to drive up to Mumbai, I should say that It was a great drive, accept for 150 odd KM from chitradurga to Hubli, It is a very well kept four lane highway, and yes the dessert of course is the Expressway from Pune to Mumbai.
But once in Mumbai, I am suddenly surrounded by boredom, that I am trying my best to fight against. Milan Kundera is very helpful in warding off the boredom. A chance introduction to the writer's work by Abhishek, and I am hooked.
Am looking forward to the return trip and am missing Bangalore. I am amazed by the fact though.

Learn to love

me, my car and a never ending road,
that is all I have, that is all I need,
racing through unknown lands,
trying to leave the hurt behind,
seeing the sun go down
witnessing the dawn of Venus
the Orion shows himself
but my north star still alludes me
the arid wasteland, I am driving through
can use a good rainfall this year
the rain gods are not merciful though
the land remains parched and wanting
like the unquenchable thirst in my heart
the smell of burning wood overwhelms me
reminds me of the smouldering soul inside
no matter how many tears I shed
they fail to put out the fire
the wells have dried up too
and there is no music to be heard
I am heading for sea
but the water is of no use

Nothing seems right
and i don't belong
so I drive on
to the edge of that green mountain
and feel jealousy take me over
I go blind in rage and fury
but hidden from me
the scars of the mountain weep too
I don't know them
I don't see them
All I want is to be green
but green with envy I am

I meet a vagabond en route
ask him his secret of happiness
"hate none, love all" he utters
how, I exclaim
I cannot stop hate from running through my veins
I weep and wail and unwittingly call names
"love all" is the key he says
"hate none" will follow in duress
but to start, love yourself
love what you are, love what you have become
no one can cheat you
because love cannot be cheated
Once found love doesn't end
all you know is hate right now

I muse myself over what he said
and I move on towards my destination
a city where dreams come true
or so they say
I don't have anything to loose now
have lost everything that I held dear
and I am ready to learn to love

Eklavya - A collosal waste

Had high expectation from Vidhu Vinod Chopra's Eklavya, All i heard was a faint thud as the movie fell into a timeless graveyard of unfulfilled expectations.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya
http://ankitbchhibber.googlepages.com/home

just to be sure - borrowed

Was reading an old friend's blog and came across this post titled "Just to be sure".

It moved me. Some of the best things in life are so innocent and naive. I have to post the content here. I think it is from "Winnie the Pooh"

 

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you.""

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya
http://ankitbchhibber.googlepages.com/home

Gabble

i see two hands

i see a face with eyes closed

is the face in ecstasy or pain

another story for another day

i see a smile now

and a kiss with wet lips

i hear the proclamation of love

i don't see myself anywhere

I feel a naked body besides me

the body wriggles like a snake

and i wish it was dead

the phone rings in distance

two voices communicate

the talk is endearing

the face has a glow

I have seen this glow before

or so i like to think

i think I thought i was hurt

but love still blooms

instant love instant gratification

he sits there and tonsures his head

he wails out, lets celebrate death

I can hear my heart beat

i think i am very scared

a female with red eyes gives me a drink

i feel better but am drowsy now

i sit in the corner and watch them mate

i find myself engulfed in rage

the rage subsides and I am stoic

i am poisoned just like life

 

some memories get ingrained in mind

like snap shots of horror

and I keep visiting them again and again

in my house of sorrows

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya
http://ankitbchhibber.googlepages.com/home

Virgin Mountain

on a distant horizon, she waits for him

in a world gone mad, she craves for him

what is love, she asks naively

but she is a seductress alright

a siren she is and she sings for him

she lures him, entices him

she calls herself his destiny

and he is a sucker for belief

he thinks he will find lasting love

he feels he can tame the medusa

make her hiss for him

little does he know his doom awaits

and his heart will turn to stone

 

but she loves him, or so she muses

he will have the heart that beats

and emotions that run deep

he would not freeze in pain

he would win her over she feels

she wants redemption too

she wants out of this purgatory

he would be her knight

and she her fair maiden

she beckons him and he gets drawn

and they have the mating dance

by the side of river styx

 

his eyes closed and his soul content

he reaches for her touch

she gives all she has to the bliss of a kiss

yes they stay together

and salvation is theirs for keeps

they still live on that mountain top

that no one dares to win.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya
http://ankitbchhibber.googlepages.com/home

Casino

Watched the Martin Scorsese film after a gap of about 7 odd years and I saw it in a very different light. First time around i had found the movie very disturbing, I was devastated by Ginger (Sharon Stone's character), guess I was naive back then :-). this time around i saw it as a tale of survival in a world gone wrong. I fell in love with Joe Pesci's performance once again. It is his story, his zest to make it on his own, his dislike for authority, his want to possess what is off limits. and eventually his downfall.

One of the scenes that had remained etched in my memory forever has Joe Pesci stabbing a guy in his neck with a pen. and De Nero narrating in the background "No matter how big a guy might be, Nicky would take him on. You beat Nicky with fists, he comes back with a bat. You beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun. And you beat him with a gun, you better kill him, because he'll keep comin' back and back until one of you is dead."

The opening scene also sticks out, It has the power of compelling you to watch the story of the guy who gets blown away :-) De Nero walks out to his car and turns the key and the car blows up, and all through this sequence he is narrating the following lines

When you love someone, you've gotta trust them. There's no other way. You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the point? And, for a while, I believed that's the kind of love I had.

Some other memorable quotes from the movie

 

A lot of holes in the desert, and a lot of problems are buried in those holes. But you gotta do it right. I mean, you gotta have the hole already dug before you show up with a package in the trunk. Otherwise, you're talking about a half-hour to forty-five minutes worth of digging. And who knows who's gonna come along in that time? Pretty soon, you gotta dig a few more holes. You could be there all fuckin' night. (Nicky -  Joe Pesci's Charatcer)

 

 think in all fairness, I should explain to you exactly what it is that I do. For instance tomorrow morning ill get up nice and early, take a walk down over to the bank and... walk in and see and uh... if you don't have my money for me, I'll... crack your fuckin' head wide-open in front of everybody in the bank. And just about the time that I'm comin' out of jail, hopefully, you'll be coming out of your coma. And guess what? I'll split your fuckin' head open again. 'Cause I'm fuckin' stupid. I don't give a fuck about jail. That's my business. That's what I do. (Nicky -  Joe Pesci's Charatcer)

 

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya
http://ankitbchhibber.googlepages.com/home

A drifter on prowl

moving from one green pasture to another

a lost ignorant soul

not absorbed by anything around

when he feels hungry he steals

when he feels scared he ravages

when he is happy, he sings

and dances to the tune
tune of an unheard song

he lives for today

with no thought of tomorrow

tomorrow might be a bright dawn

or a gloomy rainy day

he will face it when it comes

he will live it if it happens

 

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya
http://ankitbchhibber.googlepages.com/home

I saw you in his arms
I saw you making love to him
I saw a tear drop rolling down your cheek
what was the tear drop for
I probably never will understand
I saw you hawking love
I saw you proposition men
I saw you smile and be happy
and i saw you sad too
I saw you use your body
I saw you sell your soul
I was untouched unmoved
I had long back turned to stone

Why.........

Why the heart burn, why the despondency
why the delusional self, why the desperateness
why the flutter of heart, why the breathlessness
why the agony of loss, why the desolation
why the wild flight of imagination
why the unfulfilled dreams
why the never ending tirade of wants and desires
why a mind immersed in sorrow
why a soul lost in transition
why a sour heart that bleeds
why the gut wrenching want to die
why the intelligence to comprehend it all
why the deception of momentary bliss
why the lies, why the truth
why can't he rest in peace


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

summit

heart beats faster
lungs are out of breath
and i climb atop the summit
not stopping once
people have become memories
and memories don't haunt anymore
my body breaks into sweat
and it is very cold here
the wind makes me shiver
legs refuse to budge
still i carry on
weight on my shoulders is overbearing
feels i might fall anytime
there is no one in sight
true, it is lonely at the top
but i don't have time to ponder
not a moment to waste
till i conquer the summit
rest, i will then
lie down, i will then
but only for a moment
cause the next summit beckons me

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Sing along dear friend of mine
sing along in the ring of fire
when cherubs will descend
hold their hands and dance
the smoke will be your curtain
and no one will pester
the fire shall cleanse you
and wind shall carry you
to places you have never seen

The pyre has been lit up now
and the fire god appeased
you are the offering today
listen to the chants of priests
everything is silent now
and you have become one with gods.
go to their heaven and rule
don't look back, don't be a fool
you are free from elements now
you are free from all the rules


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Some snaps

check out some snaps from my latest trip up north

 

http://picasaweb.google.com/ankitbchhibber/AuliTrip

 

http://picasaweb.google.com/ankitbchhibber/AuliTrip2

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Life - Review I

This would the first review to Ankit's short "Life". It gets a little difficult to critique some one's work when he is one of your very good friends. But the best thing I can give him as a friend is a brutally honest opinion. So here goes. 

The project is quite ambitious. "Life" follows the emotional journey of the protagonist over a period of four seasons (though all in a day). I have seen similar attempts at documentation of human soul in a monologue (though there is no dialogue here). The best I have seen is by Korean filmmaker (don't remember who) where the protagonist totally obliterates the fourth wall and directly interacts to the camera/ audience. The biggest flaw of "Life" is that the protagonist seems to be aware of the camera all the time. Ignoring the camera is acknowledging the camera. An actor in this medium should either forget that there is a camera or break the fourth wall and challenge the intelligence of the audience by directly talking to the camera. There is no halfway.  

The depiction of emotions is brilliant. But there are few emotions depicted. All the emotions from solitude to frustration to sadness to depression to ultimately tired stoicism are very well executed. But my peeve here lies with the writing. Depiction of human emotions comes forth best when there is a glaring contrast. All the emotions depicted here are negative and hence loose the bite. If you have seen "Leon" by Luc Besson, you might remember the portrayals of the naïve innocence of Mathilda and Leon was so good because they were painted against a very contrastingly sinister world of New York's underbelly. In "Life" I would have liked to see more contrasting emotions like joy/ hysteria and anger (I would have personally enjoyed to see the frustration in "autumn" to turn more darkly sinister towards anger or better yet depravation). The sorrow of the protagonist would have come out to be more heartbreaking and ultimately beautiful. 

All in all it is a good first attempt. I also should mention that the music selection is really good. Looking forward to seeing Ankit's next project. 

Pranay

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Babel

Ba·bel   
1.    an ancient city in the land of Shinar in which the building of a tower (Tower of Babel) intended to reach heaven was begun and the confusion of the language of the people took place. Gen. 11:4–9.
2.    (usually lowercase) a confused mixture of sounds or voices.
3.    (usually lowercase) a scene of noise and confusion.

It was a treat watching this movie, three separate tales in three distinct locations on the globe. US-Mexico border, Morocco and Japan. Beautifully narrated, fitting all the pieces of jigsaw puzzle.
what I took away from movie
human emotions are not bound by any culture, All of us share the same streaks and display them unwittingly when pressed to a corner. Be it the teenage boys in Morocco, a deaf-mute girl in Japan, an illegal immigrant in US, an American couple caught in Morocco, all of them are susceptible, all of them feel the same pain, all of them feel trapped helpless for no apparent fault of theirs.
In fact at close quarters the body language of all humanity is same, we all fidget the same way, we all cry the same tears, we all crave for attention, we all want to be loved and we all rise above our fears and define human spirit.
In short all of us are a shade of grey

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Life is a lemon and I want my money back

Each time I listen to this song I live it again.

am quoting a few verses from the song :-)

 

"It's all or nothing, and nothing's all I ever get
Everytime I turn it on, I burn it up and burn it out

It's always something, there's always something going wrong
That's the only guarantee, that's what this is all about

It's a never ending attack, everything's a lie and that's a fact
Life is a lemon and I want my money back

And all the morons and all the stooges with their coins
They're the ones who make the rules,
It's not a game, it's just a rout"

 

"What about love?
It's defective - it's always breaking in half
What about sex?
It's defective - it's never built to really last
What about your family?
It's defective - all the batteries are shot
What about your friends?
They're defective - all the parts are out of stock
What about hope?
It's defective - it's corroded and decayed
What about faith?
It's defective - it's tattered and it's frayed
What about your Gods?
They're defective - They forgot the warranty
What about your town?
It's defective - it's a dead end street to me
What about your school?
It's defective - it's a pack of useless lies
What about your work?
It's defective - it's a crock and then you die
What about your childhood?
It's defective - it's dead and buried in the past
What about your future?
It's defective - and you can shove it up your ass!

I want my money back - life is a lemon
"

 

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

happy new year

another year gone by...
I guess I need to remind myself more than ever that time gone by doesn't come back.....

How better to say it but with this great song. This is one of my all time favourites

Drishtant

What is life
Life is because it is, there is nothing more to it.

How should we live
As you please, live life on your terms, totally completely. At least that is what i think as of now. I mean what the hell, there is no meaning to life anyway, and there are times when one is bound to feel bad or good about certain things. All this happens in our brains. There is no truth, but the truth we concoct in our brains. We listen to what we want to listen to, we interpret everything as per our own convenience. We blame others for all the ills that are within us. We fake everything, all the time, just to survive in a world that we hate with all our guts. Why not live for oneself then. At least this way you will be happy. But it is not as easy as it seems, for this to work, you will have to work yourself out of all your conditioning. In other words, you will have to forget a whole lot that you have learnt till now.

What is conditioning.
all of us were brought up with certain values, that constitute our Moral system. it doesn't matter what the values were, what matters is that they stick. they stick like super glue to you for the whole of your life. Girls being taught to be coy, boys conditioned to be aggressive, what is right, what is wrong, what is good, what is bad, what is beauty, what is ugliness, what is love, what is family, what is marriage, what is life, how to lead one's life, how to understand expectations, how to understand responsibilities. All of us, have been trained like "good animals" all our life to follow these edicts. Who gave these edicts?? well these edicts evolved, they evolved over centuries of living in a commune, but that doesn't mean one set of edicts is better than other. they are just different. There is nothing right or wrong, what might be casual in one culture might be totally unacceptable in other.

Once you understand this, you have a choice, you can consciously choose what you want out of life, and what you don't.
And it won't matter what others think, or what others want you to do. you will be your own master.




--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Time once again wants me to be dead

cease to exist and vanish from here

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Some Songs

Some songs have their way of getting into one's Psyche.
am posting some such songs.


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Stoned i sit, with everything turned to stone

guess i have a heart somewhere

and it beats too

but it is hidden under the icy chillness of me

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Why have i stopped writing?? Do I have nothing to say anymore? Or have I started to believe that expression of thought is after all not a noble exercise. I decided to watch the movies, watched Arth and Silsila after Kaabuliwala and DDLJ , I am trying to watch all the wrong combinations I guess. Silsila left me completely unmoved, though Rekha was striking. To me it seemed like a real life psychological experiment done on Amitabh, Jaya and Rekha. It is rumoured that Amitabh was involved with Rekha at the time, Jaya came back to do this movie after a request from Yash Chopra, she was no longer active as an actress. Now think about this, Yash Chopra plans to get the Indian family together and brings Jaya and Rekha face to face on the movie sets. What happened was expected. Amitabh and Rekha never worked again :-)Arth was a better movie. Well then it is by Mahesh Bhatt isn't it.What i lied about the movie, well lets say the characters are honest and believable. Shabana Azmi in her portrayal of the wronged woman is simply superb, Smita Patil and a disturbed Praveen Babi is simply unbelievable. Kulbhushan Kharbanda is also good, but the ladies steal away the show for sure. As for directorial technique, Arth is an honest film. Actors are honest, sets are honest, story is honest.
I watched DDLJ with a very different perspective this time. I watched it from Simran's perspective. I never could understand her character, but this time around I think i got the hang of her. 

Jugulate me
when my lips touch
the ambrosia of love

With time i will understand it too
Time is the wisest counselor

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Kabuli waala

Kabuli waala is too honest for this world. he is an Afghan national, who comes to India to make some money, leaving behind his 5-6 years old daughter with her grandaunt. He misses his daughter like crazy, so much so that he decides to go back. Then he meets mini. A small gift of laughter and happines that god had chosen to bestow to a couple in the city. What follows is a very strong chemistry between Balraj Sanhi and mini. Beautifully executed on screen by Hemen Gupta, the director.
A good lesson to the world, "if you are too honest, you will just know sorrow in your life"
As for myself, I cannot imagine Kabuliwaala in today's world. Till recently i would have believed that there could be someone like him. But now i think it is too rare a phenomenon to be experienced in real life.
Real life kabuli waala would be a child lifter, or a paedophile, or a dishonest man with one good streak of a positive relationship with a kid. But he would not be larger than life.
Bimal Roy's Kabuliwaala is larger than life.
But nevertheless a beautiful movie.




--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

chariots

Thoughts have a mind of their own
they bring to me a rainbow of emotions
each hue darker than the other
each hue engulfing me in its eternity
and i keep floating through them
if only it was all real
if only thoughts were chariots
i could ride
but try I will, Try I will to have them
on my beck and call.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Task to be done

I am going to try and watch one movie a day and write up its review.
Dunno how long i would be able to carry on with this, but most of the times, I have to proclaim something to make myself do it.
Whatever i said, does it make any sense
who cares
whatever, whenever
Nevermind

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Space-dye Vest

Beautiful lyrics of a beautiful song, I was listeing to this when i got a call from someone i thought i once knew :-)
I think i am getting out of a spell.
I think i can fly again.................................................


--lyrics Begin ---------

Falling through pages of martens on angels
Feeling my heart pull west
I saw the future dressed as a stranger
Love in a space-dye vest

Love is an act of blood and Im bleeding
A pool in the shape of a heart
Beauty projection in the reflection
Always the worst way to start

But hes the sort who cant know
Anyone intimately, least of all a
Woman. he doesnt know what a woman
Is. he wants you for a possession,
Something to look at like a painting or an ivory box.
Something to own and to display. he doesnt want you to be real,
Or to think or to live. he doesnt love you, but I love you.
I want you to have your own thoughts and ideas and feelings, even when
I hold you in my arms. its our last chance... its our last chance...

Now that youre gone Im trying to take it
Learning to swallow the rage
Found a new girl I think we can make it
As long as she stays on the page

This is not how I want it to end
And Ill never be open again

...i was gonna move out...ummm...get,
Get a job, get my own place, ummm,
But... I go into the mall where i
Want to work and they tell me, im,
I was too young...

Some people, gave advice before,
About facing the facts, about
Facing reality. and this is, this
Without a doubt, is his biggest
Challenge ever. hes going to have to face it.
Youre gonna have to try, hes gonna to have to try and,
Uh, and, and, and get some help here. I mean no one can
Say they know how he feels.

That, so they say that, in ya know
Like, houston or something, youd
Say its a hundred and eighty degrees,
But its a dry heat
. in houston they say that?
Oh, maybe not. Im all mixed up.
Dry until they hit the swimming pool.

...i get up with the sun... listen.
You have your own room to sleep in,
I dont care what you do. I dont
Care when. that door gets locked,
That door gets locked at night by nine oclock.
If youre not in this house by nine oclock, then youd better find some
Place to sleep. because youre not going to be a bum in this house.
Supper is ready...

Theres no one to take my blame
If they wanted to
Theres nothing to keep me sane
And its all the same to you
Theres nowhere to set my aim
So Im everywhere
Never come near me again
Do you really think I need you

Ill never be open again, I could never be open again.
Ill never be open again, I could never be open again.

And Ill smile and Ill learn to pretend
And Ill never be open again
And Ill have no more dreams to defend
And Ill never be open again

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya