Thursday, July 7, 2022

In the desert, on foot, how else could one be
Walking north, chasing one’s pole star
Oases abound, no fresh water though
Parched as the soul is, no solace in sight
Keep walking one must, one foot after another
Gods to be have forgotten, are forgotten
Eons spent tumbling with the wind
Long forgotten hope revitalized
Why can’t it be stamped out though
Would be simple, to stare at stars
As they fade away, as do memories
As do expectations, as does the hurt

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Watch it all burn

Sudden onset of melancholy
world is a depressing place right now
Famine, hunger and war
People dead and uprooted
a girl searching for her brothers killer
politicians making statements
Jackdaws are democratic
and humans morons
I wish to be in a better world
Place of peace, quiet and happy coexistence
People free of enforced rules and values

Thursday, August 12, 2021


Some hurts are way to deep
Justified or not, thrive they do
Feeding fearful frenzy
Of being lonesome
Fretful needy soul
Craving to belong
To be given precedence over all
Acceptance of relegation does dawn
Misery gnaws at heart though
And mind seeks deliverance
From all that binds and all that holds
From the curse of breath
And nightmare of thoughts

Sunday, December 27, 2020

reminiscing  comes easy these days

not that life was a bouquet of roses

small islands of happiness exist though

and in these I like to dwell at times

no substitute for touch though

or the glee of true human presence

hope allures as I indulge in reverie

imagining things to come

have come to pass

Thursday, December 24, 2020

All the times

That feeling of inadequacy

the way it gnaws at one

no one to rescue

stuck in eternal loop

self damnation

collosal regret

for not being who I am not

handicap of unrequited desires

unfulfilled prophecies

like being stuck in quick sand

only way appears to be down

I wish I could be what I wanted

all the times

Wednesday, September 23, 2020

so it goes on

all that has been 

all that that was not

all that could have been

and all that I want

no end to asks of heart

and so it goes on

Sunday, September 20, 2020

Quest

all the bindings

threads that pull at you, how deep you feel

detached, dissociative experiences  

how you reconcile with reality as you see it

I stick around and hope to alleviate pain

chasing me own quest of being whole

discerning how I have to find it within

Maya

“The sages answered with a story still told after thousands of years. Imagine, they said, a man dreaming that he is being attacked by a tiger. His pulse will race, his fists will clench, his forehead will be wet with the dew of fear – all just as if the attack were real. He will be able to describe the look of his tiger, the way he smelled, the sound of his roar. For him the tiger is real, and in a sense he is not wrong: the evidence he has is not qualitatively different from the kind of evidence we trust when we are awake. People have even died from the physiological effects of a potent dream. Only when we wake up can we realize that our dream-sensations, though real to our nervous system, are a lower level of reality than the waking state.

The sages called the dream of waking life – the dream of separate, merely physical existence – by a suggestive name, maya.


Easwaran Ed., Eknath. The Bhagavad Gita”


Think of it this way, there is one eternal truth or universe or energy-space or Brahaman. The day to day reality we see and believe in  is manifestation of this Brahaman through the filters of our mind. Just like when you see with naked eye, you see a metal table, but if you look close enough with an electron microscope, you see atoms and molecules, with vast spaces between them. What appears whole and tangible, is not whole and tangible, it is a collection of discontinuous specs of matter, which in themselves are just energy trapped in form of matter.


So in a sense, we are all in a dream state of this life. What we consider real, for example, our body, our ego, our prestige, our honor, are all artificial constructs borne out of the very nature of this illusion. This illusion is Maya. 


We love Maya, we are attached to it, we think it is all there is and we do everything to get totally immersed in it and live our fleeting lives in its consumption. 


As per Geeta, one who can be immersed in Maya, yet knows the reality, one who does his/her karma, playing the role one has in this Mayajal, yet remains detached from Maya, she/he is the one who truly lives a good life.


Friday, January 10, 2020

Purgatory


How does one state
What is means to miss living
To know it and to put it to rest
And wait to be alive furthermore

inexplicable solitude
In midst of crowd and those hailed dear
Seeking one meaningful connect
To behold this existence and accept

To know the elixir of life
One drop, one oasis at a time
Visions for a demented soul
Voyaging through desert of life


They know to be whole
Know the missing bits of their soul
Perceptible yet out of reach
Purgatory is where they dwell

Tuesday, November 19, 2019

Small piles of gold

small piles of gold
that house you own
car you drive
clothes you wear
attachments you foster
expectations you build
rules you follow
rhythm of society 
live by and for, 
small piles of gold

Ignore the soul
unfettered freedom it desires
like a distant dream we dream
flowing with the tide of time
locust, the time
eating through our lives
will live tomorrow, one day, some day
promises hollowing our intentions
sitting on fence
ruing the very existence
bound like slaves in chains
to small piles of gold

conflicted mind
pure heart
misinterpreted actions
lonesome thoughts
imagined regrets
stomping of desires
bindings of fate
tethers of emotions
Last breath you take
none of this will matter
you shall cease to be
as will piles of gold

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Smile




A haunting would best describe
what I have felt this life to be
can't ascribe a reason to wishes
can't ride or live on them either
pining for past present and yes future
knowing well the illusion of control
Why can't for once I be at peace
journey into nothingness
in search for equanimity
The smile is still the same
but eyes, they can't hide the pain

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Anger

I am disconcerted. Conflicted and irritated too

Perhaps it is time to take back seat

who am I to contemplate or proclaim

I don't understand social constructs

I don't understand confirming

I have burnt all bridges I crossed

I don't get why free will is curtailed

Or how expectations work

 

Today for the first time in a long long time I felt that angst of wanting something to change. I am angry and agitated. It is as if I am expecting something from someone who cannot possibly fathom the rationale of the same or doesn't have the strength to swim against the current, at least not for now anyway.

I have never felt anger in this context

It bothers me

Because I tend to burn everything down with my anger. If there is one pattern in my life, it is my anger and how I have hurt myself because of it. So I guess I need to learn and observe it and not let it get in the way.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Yesterday was a low
today ain't it though
tomorrow would see
a whole new aspect of me
yet there is a constant
yearning perhaps, if I may

Monday, March 18, 2019

Why

peeking through memories
life not mine
window dressing deceives
make them seem mine
I ain't that thou
like Sy in OneHourPhoto
wish to be part of tableau
breathe and live a dream
wishes, oh they have wings
to fly far and high
no place to land though
just a dreamland to survive
melancholy of existence
flamed by false sense of loss
and a vision to die for

why do I live, oh why!

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Wail

Hold on to the semblance of sanity
chaos anyways rules the soul
some wishes just can't be
no matter how the innards mourn

Friday, January 18, 2019

Deliverance be mine

gaping hole in the soul
discovered by fate
gnawing at his core
his incapability he knows
karma unfolding he understands
yearning he can't control

each day sobers his want
progression for peace
to be undone once more
for he is not worthy
of the gift he seeks
judgment bemoans

finality of binding causation
banality of his damnation
challenged to rise
bound down by chains
he bows to the destiny
"deliverance be mine"
 
  

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Magic

Some days, music is your savior. Who says magic is dead J
My playlist today started as such

Yes, Wonderwall

High and Low J

The System Only Dreams in Total Darkness

Yes, something to believe in

And finally


sometimes, if you really do listen,
magic speaks to you

Monday, December 10, 2018

What he saw

He saw himself in mirror
Off of veneers
Ugly, petty, selfish him
Inane, laughing, lunatic him
Delusional, hurt, diabolic him
Inconsolable, broken, loser him
Desperate, illogical, emotional him
Unloved, unappreciated, despicable him
Misunderstood, misrepresented, mistaken him

He saw himself long and hard
Stared into his eyes and did not blink
Till everything faded but the fiery dots
Ablaze as a funeral pyre
Lit up by some random hire
No today no tomorrow
No celebration no sorrow
Gone like a speck of dust
No one cared and why they would

His untended wants
His life lessons
His works of art
His silent obsession
Of that one word
How he wished to be called
Won't happen, it's not his to have
One thousand promises
Made and kept
No rhyme no reason
Yet still it hurts

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Mortal Struggle

Something is not right
I am sure 
or I am delusional paranoid
hard to say which one it is

mind won't let me rest
heart ready to explode
or implode perhaps
hard to say which one it is

Immerse my senses or run fast
numb my senses or pretend
feel so alive, oh the pain
am I really alive, oh the pain

moments of bliss, welcome breeze
agony, misery, masochism in the same vein
bound, trapped yet freer than ever
loved, accepted yet lonelier than ever

count my blessings they say
flickering glow of a firefly
hope and despair
light and dark

mortal fight with mortal dilemmas
immortal path to immortal ideals
limits of body and limits of mind
limit transcendence, limit my life

soul free of vessel, I seek
pure consciousness 
devoid of pain
pure love, hope and peace incarnate


Friday, August 17, 2018

Vagabond, thats who

A vagabond, thats who
Searching for what
Elated and devastated
Alone yet with company
perpetrator  and sufferer alike
Lost in this life and that too
Looked for love, found illusions
Cherished and abandoned 
No grudges to hold
Trampled and misunderstood
Taken for granted and judged
No judgement or vengeance sought
A fool who believed the fable
Longing to belong
Undoing all
Labelled yet again

A vagabond, thats who

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Ignorance is Bliss

How does it come to pass that the most authentic people feel like frauds to themselves?
It is because they are striving for a higher standard than anyone around them?
People who care about the dichotomy of thoughts, who hang on the hons of dilemma. People who don't like having double standards, people who take reality for what it is.
Why do such people have the worst of fights inside of them? when everyone around them is not even aware of the fake and double lives they are living.
I guess ignorance is truly bliss.

Monday, June 4, 2018

Pain so sweet

Heart in a blender
Feeling as raw as one could
seething mass of emotions
like big waves at a stormy sea
need to dive deep
away from the churn
find the pearls of wisdom
that bind us within
fickle mind treads on surface
eludes from peace to be had
to many what ifs and why nots
fight them all though I do
they keep coming back
and drown me out
I die and am reborn
with faith still intact
calm doesn't last long 
blender goes churning again
feels like purgatory of sorts
with heaven and hell in balance
give me strength give me wisdom
give me patience and let me be
show me how I can heal
give me fortitude, and gleaming hope
lift my blinds and let me run
make it bearable, this pain so sweet
for I want to live till it bears fruit

Monday, May 28, 2018

Find me some solace please

Pretending to be alright
with my heart in a vice
hazy vision, clouded thoughts
laboured breaths, heavy feet
a low that seems to drown
smile on my face
and a welcome song in heart
I force myself to hum
tone deaf cheery tune
every moment a fight 
denial of negativity
hope that i sow
it crumbles before it finds root
yet I keep sowing
waiting for benevolent rain
drench me in your essence
make me see what I see not
guide me, help me, rescue me
prayers after a long pause
not to lose self to dark
show me a glimmer
a light i can follow on
tell me to have heart
tell me it will be alright
remind me to love
remind me to live
remind me to be

Monday, January 8, 2018

Some Vs Most

Some days, things I will never be, bother me
Most days, things I am supposed to be, do motivate
Some days, the agony of desire derails me
Most days, I am able to keep a sane head
Some days, need for a warm body overwhelms
Most days, need for an understanding soul dominates
Some days, lows fog my brain and I yearn for light
Most days, light you shine sees me through

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Why

What goes up, has to come down
Circles must be completed
Life must be celebrated
Misery must be endured
Melancholy must be embraced
Squalid quagmires of present reveled
Hope and faith nurtured
Belief for a deliverance nurtured

Overwhelmed by the tall ask
Knowing what the heart wants
Song that soul yearns for
Embrace that is truly mine
Love waiting beyond the chasm
Mind livid with current excess
Being sounds like a wail
Stars that guide don’t give warmth

Not just yet anyways

And the lows engulf, desolation descends
Darkness dances, eyes well over
Rage within wants the world to burn
Voices inside question existence
Why suffer, oh why at all
Why pretend to play
Make believe happiness

Live off the fumes at all

Monday, October 30, 2017

One Last Stand

Surrounded by shroud of haze
One can't see both ways
What's in mind cannot be felt
What I feel cannot be conveyed
What can be conveyed cannot be acted on
A spiral sucking me into its vortex

Coming undone is easy
Staying whole a different ball game
To make a blind leap requires faith
Belief isn't easy to come by though
Auto tuned to desecrate
Heart is frivolous, needs to be tamed

Mind over matter
Light over darkness
Love over indifference
Stoic in the face of misery
Blossoms over the gloom of winter
Soul knows what it wants, but knowing isn't living

Here I sit and let the time go by
A stream of memories never made
Remembrances like dreams they come
Vivid and abstract at the same time
I can feel the emotions yet the specifics elude me
Wish to be done with stronger than ever

Harp on all the goodness
The vile me lies hidden
Waiting to catch me off guard
Looking to square it off
Yet I stand brave and tall
Ready for one last stand

Saturday, October 21, 2017

He saw a prayer once.


He saw a prayer once
She was pretty and innocent still
An ode to gods and their creation
A garland of wishes, a bouquet of devotion
Hopes for bounty, affirmation to beliefs. 
Serenity of acceptance, certainty of fate
Heart ripe with emotions, soul that is content. 


She saw him too and accepted his gratitude.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Shall We


Shall we shall we
Play the game shall we
I play dumb you play mute
Both play blind and both play crude

I saw your web
I saw you tease
I saw you try hard to please
I heard you laugh
I heard you cry
Till those damn tears turned dry

In the lair so deep
Rotting away in sleep
Endless ego senseless mind
Breathless body in a bind
Battered and bruised by daily grind 

Wake up wake up
Sun is up and stars are lost
Dreamers are done cutting cost
In the offing is something new
Known only to a select few

Treasure hunter and storm chasers
All gather to build a phaser
Target locked destruction decided
People of power won't be chided
No one fight was ever one sided


Thursday, October 12, 2017

Delusion

Delusion is important. Without Delusion there is no greatness. Think of any visionary, were they not called delusional? Love is delusion but without love nothing is possible. Faith is delusion, belief is delusion, the world we live in, the world we crave for, all delusions.
We can't do without it, we are all delusional.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Pain that is love ❤️

Being in love is experiencing pain
Pain that doesn't die out
Even when love does.