Welcome 2010

White tiger

I can understand why people didn't like White Tiger. Why there was so much of criticism, you know the lieks of "this is meant for western audience" "he is selling it to the world" and such crap.

But I loved the book. It takes gumption to look into the mirror and take account of reality as it exists.

I can relate to the world of Balram, I can see his dilemmas can feel his pain and his eventual breakdown to freedom.

Only V S Naipul can be more scathing of the "Indianness" that surrounds us.

Must read I must say.

The Road

I have been reading "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy. Simply put one of the most disturbing books I have read in a long time. I am a cynic, my flavor of cynicism is "Cynical optimism", but this book stomps out any faint ray of hope I might have with regards to Humanity.

We humans are so frail and our social morality to fickle, that a single catastrophe can make all the accomplishments of human race fall like a house of cards.

There is no collective vision. We lack ideals, we are too busy surviving. When people talk about environmental issues I get pissed off, Environment is not a concern at all. Nature was there and will always be there, it will re-surface, re-mutate, re-evolve. We humans are doomed. There is no question about the impending doom. and no environment is not going to make us fall.

Let one catastrophe befall us, like a comet strike, or a foolish zealot launching a nuke, and you will see us break the thin fabric of humanity and become animals. We will rape/kill/eat each other.

No there is no hope.

Even without the catastrophe we are so close to being animals. how many liberals do you know? how many people in your circle support gay rights? how many people in your circle see religion as a propaganda? how many of you believe that humans are essentially good? How many can rise above individual concerns? Do we even believe in heroes? Is there a universal truth we all adhere to?

Freud says that eminent sense of danger makes people hypocrites. You know what, we are all hypocrites. We lie and we cheat and we loath ourselves. Or we live in oblivions.

Nothing can help us, Nothing...

Kya Haasil

kya haasil hai yun zinda rehkar

inteha ki ummeed baaki hai jo

khwaishon ko ummeed ki nazr kar

diwangi main mashroof hain hum

bemisaal hai is shehar ka manzar

har koi tanha is bheed main gum hai

dhoondta hun khud ko sare bazaar

jab ki bik chuka hai har ik zarra mera

Pink Noise at Kyra

Wet Dreams

Cityscape

Lone Flower

Cloudy Bangalore

Why not

Sometimes I seek vengeance

And I know it is easy to achieve

Am so tempted to burn the gold city

To unleash unforgiving fury

Not so much for realization to dawn

But for pure sadist pleasure of mine

To make things fair in perspective

 

But the third eye still remains shut

And  the venom stuck in the throat

Green green in CBD

In love with Bangalore

Bangalore never ceases to amaze me. This is an abandoned house on St.
Marks road. Am sure a big high rise will come up here shortly. Enjoy
it till it lasts.

Khatauli

Somewhere while crossing khatauli.

Selling water???

Let me be

Quite frankly I am tired. Of what, I don't even want to ponder. My fibromyalgia has not improved wee bit and right now am in middle of another flare up. Am tired of people who proclaim understanding, I am tired of all the phonies. Am tired of thinking about stuff that is beyond my control, and no I refuse to entertain and please anyone. Anyone at all. I am trying to be cold, so if that is what you think I have become, I am succeeding. I have had enough of unpleasant situations and people exhorting me to face them. No I refuse to be part of any stupid discussion, no matter how desperate one might feel about it. I cannot assuage people and refuse to indulge in this perversion. I live for myself and yes I am the asshole whole world warned you about. So just let me be and go burden someone else with your meaningless rhetoric.I am trying to cope with my illness and I don't rely on anyone to ease it for me, am not fishing for anything, no empathy no sympathy, not even acceptance of any sort.Just leave me alone and let me be.I don't owe anyone anything, nor do I expect anything.

Brigade Road at night.

What have you come to be

Have you had that feeling

when you wish you were gone

far away on the fluffy cloud

Have you had the want

to meet acceptance

draped in undress

have you had the need

to make love with destiny

on the golden chariots of fate

to run, to laugh, to riot

usher in the rush of the first joint

to rest, to sleep, to weep

tears surging on the first heartbreak

to leap, to dance, to live

far from what you have come to be

another sunset awaits you

what you seek, doesn’t exist

why then the quest

go back and lie down now

stop searching the horizon

like a man possessed

why let the ghosts haunt

they are but ghosts

why feel sad and hurt

it was written all over from start

another day another place

another sunset awaits you

keep your wits together till then

walk on and play on till then

whore me a slut

find me a life

sell me some dreams

call me on my phone

leave a message atleast

push me to a corner

hit me with a club

hit me with a jab

sell me some highs

dope away the lows

sold my body

sell my soul

kill me everyday some more

kick me in the groin

laugh at my puckered face

sell the snapshot of agony

don't leave anything unsold

cash me in, cash me out

sell them the deepest desires

sell the sacred earth a dime

make all you can till I die

cut my veins and let me bleed

cut me to pieces and sell the pork

dry my hide and sell some more

whore me a slut

whore me now

whore me love, whore me passion

whore me instant gratification

whore me death and the world beyond

we are all whores, pimp me now.

Needs

I need to get out, I really need to get out of this god forsaken place. I need to go run on a beach, I need to go climb a mountain, I need to drive on a scenic road, I need to get lost. And all this seems like a fantasy as of now. I don’t want love, I don’t want people around me. But am I being truthful. I am love sick, and I crave for company. But I want to get to a point where I don’t need love nor people around me. I need to find happiness in myself. I need to love myself. I need to forget the nightmares of my life and remember the beautiful dreams and imagine myself in those dreams.

I need to eat good food, I need to have my breakfast daily, I need to eat healthy, but what do I do when each morning getting out of bed itself is the biggest fight of the day.

I am stressed out and nothing I do seems to help. Yet I carry on and keep piling on more stress.

People who see me don’t see the frayed nerves. People who meet me don’t meet the scared me. People who love me don’t touch my soul. People who despise me don’t know that I loathe myself. People whom I make laugh don’t see the tears I weep, people who see the passion in me don’t see the cynic smirk. I am a ball of contentions, always bubbling with contradictions and acceptance is all I sought. Acceptance is not mine though. I need to accept myself first, I need to sleep with myself first.

I need to sleep a long deep sleep, I need to pass on I guess.

Guess who's back

Udane ko toon azaad hai

bandhan koi ab hai kahan

toon dhoop hai cham se bikhar

toon hai nadi aie bekhabar

ud chal kahin, beh chal kahin

dil khush jahan 

teri to manzil hai wahin

Lyrics of one of my favourite song, and it captures my mood so aptly. It has been long that I have not really written on this blog. But now I am back and I promise myself to write. 

Each society that calls itself civilized has an official period of mourning, the purpose of this time is to act as a disconnect between two disjoint worlds. People mourn out of respect, out of guilt, out of love. But for all it serves the same purpose, to pay the price for being free by punishing oneself. Yes I mean it, human mind is really crazy, crazy enough to do this :-)

Anyway I was in no mourning, I have learned to move on very quickly. I lived through this hiatus, just so nothing is read between the lines for what I say.

Nothing I write reflects on anything of consequence anymore :-)

This blog truly returns to its roots. After all it is a blog about Nothing...

It pains to see another one fall

it pains to see them bow down

It doesn't hurt much though

in time pain will be gone too

and I will watch detached

the cut down trunks

the uprooted remains

the wilted blossoms

Each time I see another fall

willed, I become all the more 

I will survive.

I will survive

Dream on

Some dreams unleash fury

giving life to ghosts

egging them on to haunt

some dreams are just dead

no ghosts can be roused here

they are buried and shall remain so

some dreams give hope

elusive, gentle, hope

no guarantees for hope

all dreams are yearnings though

remembrances of soul

and no, day dreams don't qualify

Amazing shades of green

Came across this green barked tree. Pretty captive photo.