words

Words and words are all I have.............

thus goes the lyrics of a song dear to me. Things that we like are symbolic of our nature, we like things we can identify with. So if someone likes jazz they can identify with the music, someone who loves rock can identify with noise, someone who loves alternate rock can identify with the paranoid hyperactive mental activity, which is not directed properly, but let loose on all..... no mercy to anyone, so much so that these guys think that we are doomed...... Well enough gory details, but the fact of the matter is that.... I really do, only have words.

The glory of this world may live on
may live on the tales of valour
may there be recitals of history
may the greatness be talked of
this is the land where i belong
this is the land I was born
This is the earth that accepted me
this is the sky that saw over me
this is the water that nourished me
this is my land.
may my land's name last
for the time till humanity lives


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Setting oneself free

Delving into a very dark aspect of Human behavior. I just want to say, I am in no way suicidal at this point and time of my life..

Suicide, the Dictionary defines it as " The act or an instance of intentionally killing oneself." Further Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary says "the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally <the legalistic concept of suicide while of sound mind, which psychiatrically speaking is not possible <Year Book of Neurology, Psychiatry, & Neurosurgery>"
So essentially the medical fraternity believes that it is impossible to commit suicide while of sound mind, that is a very interesting observation. have known at least one person who killed himself.I am not a proponent of suicide, nor do I think it is a sin to commit suicide. I think of it as an option, of course the last option that one might have.

To quote from Wikipedia
"Suicide is frequently highly stigmatized, and those experiencing suicidal ideation struggle to be heard and understood. Suicidal ideation frequently results from the experience of pain outweighing the individual's coping strategies and resources for dealing with that pain."

This is something very unique to humans, no member from the animal kingdom is known to kill itself, where the intent is just one's own death.

Interestingly Suicide is viewed very differently in different cultures, religions, social and legal systems. For example Japan has "harakari" which is nothing bu suicide for upkeep of honour. Suicide as means of honourable exit is nothing new to Indians, Sati, Jauhar are glaring examples of the same.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Third Eye

Essentially nothing is essential.
I have this raging fury building up inside me and I don't know how to vent it out, without causing a catastrophe. It is much like Shiva's third eye, waiting to be opened and destroy all that was held dear by someone or another at some point or other.
man this is massive.
The irritation and restlessness is going to destroy something, what I don't know................

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Dreams

Living through the feverish sleep and dreams that occupy the land on nod, the disturbing images that float around, some of the desires that one might have, some of the fears that engulf the mortal soul, living through the panic that follows, when you see the worst of your fears becoming true and for a moment there they are absolutely true, till you realize that you are asleep.
I have been having weird dreams, dreams that have no semblance to reality or normal way of life. I see people I have not seen for a long long time, I see people I will never ever see in my life, I see them suffering, I see them happy, I see myself in Misery i see myself surrounded by temptations I see myself hurtling down the path of deceit and I see myself a winner.
But more often than not these dreams leave me with a sense of un-belonging as if I don't know true from false anymore, as if the reality and the paranormal have merged in a strange cocktail of deception and I find myself trying to look for clues to solve this puzzle.
But more often than not I find myself utterly incompetent in doing so. The sights allure me, the temptations make me yield, Sometimes I am scared to yield, sometimes I am not, some times there is a whole lot of blood and gore, and I am the perpetrator.
there used to be a time, when I would go to sleep just because i would get to dream....... will this last.......
will I always look forward to dreams.........


--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Bangalore Burning

I have not been keeping well, well there is nothing new to that, I have cribbed about it enough. So this is a long weekend and I am stuck at home. Yesterday was a very very dry day. It was Bangalore Bandh and hooligans had taken over the streets. It was a sad occasion for it was the day Destiny had chosen for Dr. Rajkumar to pass over, and it was a day the crowds had chosen to go berserk.

Were they really fans?? What was the violence about ??? Did they get violent because they were just too many and the arrangement made to pay last tributes to their Hero were non-existent (I think the authorities had not considered such a big turnout). Or was there an element of Mob psychology playing its part.

The visuals on the screen were of helpless Policemen being cornered and beaten up. The faces in the crowd were not really grief stricken, they were enjoying their 5 minutes on Glory in front of the camera. Why do mobs react in this way? I don't have any answers, but I am deeply bothered by it.

One of my first experience on mob mentality is from College days, One fine day in first year, we came to know that some guys from our batch had a tiff of sorts with a tailor in a shopping complex. The shopping house had a Hotel, was Hotel Pisal. So in the evening, instigated by some old goons from our college, the guys pelted stones and broke the glasses of some of the shops. The guys on the other side retaliated and some 4-5 guys were apprehended by the Police (not all of them were actually part of the mob that went berserk). We spent that night outside the TT Nagar Police station requesting for the release of our guys. Nothing happened. after about 2-3 days it was decided to stage a protest at Roshanpura Square, This was to put pressure on the Hotel Pisal and shopping complex proprietors to take back the cases they had lodged against the students.

It went on fine for sometime, there was heavy presence of police, and the scene was a bit tense. This was my first such demonstration. All of a sudden some guys started teasing girls who were part of traffic. After some time police resorted to mild Lathi charge and dispersed the students. I for one don't blame police at all for what happened.

Not all the guys present there were actually there for a cause, they were there because they were expected to be there. Noting more than that.

I would like to add the fact that I was grossly disappointed that I was not present when the stone pelting happened, because I was one of the first to go to the scene and take account of how we can beat up the concerned guys. But my approach was different, I wanted a SWAT like attack on the premises and not something unplanned. (the way it finally happened). And i would have objected to police lathicharge and even fought for a cause (which now looks stupid), if it was not for these few stupid guys who started a chain reaction of sorts. Imagine how stupid they have to be to start teasing girls in front of such a big police gathering.

 

Second experience that took my faith away from the mob way of dealing with things happened in second year. A good friend of mine committed suicide, now why he did that is something I will never understand. Anyway in his suicide note he took names of a few students and few profs. See the issue was that this guy was expelled from college for ragging, but he maintained that he was not alone ragging the freshers, he was supposed to be back on the rolls in 2 months time when he decided to take the drastic step after his appeal for mercy didn't find favour with the faculty. All he had to do was wait for some more time. But I guess when one is desperate, reasoning does gets foggy.

College authorities provided for a bus to take his body to his hometown and about 30-40 students accompanied his body.

I did not go, for by that time I was on loggerheads with my whole batch, I was supposed to be ostracized by my whole batch back then.

After the cremation when these guys were returning, they acted like an unruly and stupid college crowd would. They laughed and made merry as if they were returning from a fun trip.

All this while I was busy making sure that the college came to a halt, we went and got everything shutdown. the whole student community assembled at the SAC (student activity centre) and we wept and gave fiery speeches. Finally the guys who had accompanied Pardhi on his final journey came back and we decided to observe a running hunger strike till our demands are met (we had asked for suspension of the concerned profs and a few more things that I don't remember now)

I really felt for the guy, though if I really reason, I don't think he was justified in what he did, but anyway a friend is a friend, so I took special permission from the so called leaders of our batch to observe the token fast.

It was quite hot those days and i sat there for close to 8 hours without food and water. But I think it was a waste. The pandal where the fasting was happening was more of a meeting ground for girls and guys. I mean by evening they had started playing antakshri, to me this was unacceptable. I mean what the hell the guy is not even dead for a week and this is the integrity these folks choose to show, the solidarity that they talked about was just a fib, nothing else.

That was the last time I ever considered being part of a big group, that was the last time I believed in people's revolution.

 

coming back to the question of Hooliganism on Bangalore streets, It was a shame to watch my beloved city burn, I think it goes to show how depraved we have become as a society, perhaps it is the angst of a perverse society, that has had enough of authority, enough of bureaucracy and enough of all other bullshit, that comes out as Hooliganism, the hooliganism we witnessed on the roads of Bangalore

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Agni

Fire rages and destroys one and all
doesn't distinguish between good or bad
beautiful or ugly, black or white
cast or creed, king or serf
one of the elemental forces, that we humans have come in contact with since the earliest times.
Agni, Atar , lokapala are some of the names it goes with.

Kurt Cobain's Suicide note

To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Nirvana

Well how do I put it, there is just one band i can swear by, only one band I sort of worshipped. Nirvana.
and Kurt Cobain was my god for some time :-)
I am ripping off his small bio from the web and posting it here, Ironically he was 27 when he ended it all. If you don't understand the irnoy part, just leave it. Don't ponder too much..............

Kurt Donald Cobain was the leader of Nirvana, the multi-platinum grunge band that redefined the sound of the nineties.

Cobain was born on the 20th of February 1967 in Hoquaim, a small town 140 kilometers south-west of Seattle. His mother was a cocktail waitress and his father was an auto mechanic. Cobain soon moved to nearby Aberdeen, a depressed and dying logging town.

Cobain was a happy child, always smiling, not being able to wait till the next day. But then matters were made worse when Cobain's parent's divorced when he was seven and by his own account Cobain said he never felt loved or secure again. He became increasingly difficult, anti-social and withdrawn after his parent's divorce. Cobain also said that his parent's traumatic split fueled a lot of the anguish in Nirvana's music.

After his parent's divorce Cobain found himself shuttled back and forth between various relatives and at one stage, he says, homeless living under a bridge, but this is not true.

When Cobain was eleven he heard and was captivated by Britain's Sex Pistols and after their self-destruction Cobain and friend Krist Novoselic continued to listen to the wave of British bands including Joy Division the nihilistic post-punk band that some say Nirvana are directly descended from in form of mood, melody and lyrical quality.

Cobain's artistry and iconoclastic attitude didn't win many friends in high school and sometimes earned him beatings from "jocks" Cobain got even by spray painting "QUEER" on their pick-up trucks. By 1985 Aberdeen was dead and Cobain's next stop was Olympia. Cobain formed and reformed a series of bands before Nirvana came to be in 1986. Nirvana was an uneasy alliance between Cobain, bassist Krist Novoselic and eventually drummer and multi-instrumentalist Dave Grohl.

By 1988 Nirvana were playing shows and had demo tapes going around. In 1989 Nirvana recorded their rough-edged first album Bleach for local Seattle independent label Sub-Pop.

In Britain Nirvana received a lot of recognition and in 1991 their contract was bought out by Geffen, they signed to the mega label, the first non-mainstream band to do so. Two and a half years after Nirvana's first C.D. Bleach was released they released Nevermind, a series of different, crunching, screaming songs that along with it's first single Smells Like Teen Spirit would propel Nirvana to mainstream stardom.

Smells Like Teen Spirit became Nirvana's most highly acclaimed and instantly recognizable song. Not many people can decipher it's exact lyrics but Cobain used a seductive hook line to hook the listener. Nevermind went on to sell ten million copies and make a reported $550 million (US) leaving Nirvana overnight millionaires. Cobain was shocked at the reception of his highly personal and passionate music repeatedly telling reporters that none of the band ever, ever expected anything like this. It quickly became obvious that the obsessively sickly and sensitive 24yr old was not going to cope well with the rock 'n' roll lifestyle. "If there was a rock star 101 course, I'd really have like to take it," Cobain once observed. Cobain fell into heroin in the early 90's, he said he used it as a shield against the rigorous demands of touring and to stop the pain of stomach ulcers or an irritated bowel. Through the touring and pressure Cobain continued to write his very personal acutely focused lyrics.

Cobain was distressed to find out that what he wrote and how it was interpreted could quite often be miles apart. He was appalled when he found out that Polly a heavily ironic anti-rape song had been sung by 2 men as they raped a young girl. He later appealed to fans on the Incesticide liner notes "If any of you don't like gays or women or blacks, please leave us the fuck alone." It was to no avail, Cobain found that as an overnight millionaire musician control was something he had very little of. Cobain also worried that his band had sold-out, that it was attracting the wrong kind of fans (i.e the type that used to beat him up).

In February 1992 Cobain skipped off to Hawaii to marry the already pregnant Courtney Love. Later in the year Nirvana released Incesticide and in August Cobain had hospital treatment for heroin abuse. Shortly after Frances Bean Cobain was born. In early 1993 In Utero was released into the top spot on the music charts. In Utero was widely acclaimed by the music press and it contains some of Cobain's most passionate work. In Utero was a lot more open than Nirvana's previous albums. Songs like All Apologies and Heart Shaped Box detailed aspects of Cobain's sometimes shaky marriage, other songs like Scentless Apprentice detailed the agonies and struggles of Cobain's experiences.

Nirvana embarked on a support tour and recorded and filmed an "unplugged" (acoustic) performance for MTV in November of 1993. Nirvana's choice to honor bands and people that had influenced them and Cobain's passionate and intense vocals especially on "Where Did You Sleep Last Night?"silenced many of their who had labeled Cobain talentless. Rumors circulated that the MTV Unplugged compilation would be Nirvana's last album and the band were splitting up.

Cobain was a gun fanatic and always had several in his possession or in various forms of confiscation. In the northern winter of 1993-94 Nirvana embarked on an extensive European tour. Twenty concerts into the tour Cobain developed throat problems and their schedule was interrupted while he recovered. While recovering Cobain flew to Rome to join his wife who was also preparing to tour with her own band.

On March the 4th Cobain was rushed to hospital in a coma after what has been labeled an unsuccessful suicide bid in which he washed down about fifty prescription painkillers with champagne. It was officially called an accident and was not even made known to close friends and associates. Several days later he returned to Seattle. Cobain's wife, friends and managers convinced Cobain, who was still in deep distress to enter a detox program in L.A. According to a missing person's report filed by Courtney Love, pretending to be Wendy O'Connor Kurt's mother, Cobain fled after only a few days of the program.

Cobain was cited in the Seattle area with a shotgun. Days later on the 5th of April Kurt Cobain went into the small room above his garage in his Seattle home and ended it all.

Cobain's body was found when an electrician visiting the house to install a security system was walking around outside when no one answered the front door and peered through windows. He thought he saw a mannequin sprawled on the floor until he noticed a splotch of blood by Cobain's ear. When police arrived on the scene they found Cobain with a shotgun still pointed at his chin and on a nearby counter a suicide note written in red ink addressed to Love and the couples then 19 month old daughter Frances Bean.

The suicide note ended with the words "I love you, I love you." Two days after Kurt Cobain's body was found about 5,000 people gathered in Seattle for a candlelight vigil. The distraught crowd filled the air with profane chants, burnt their flannel shirts and fought with police. They also listened to a tape made by Cobain's wife in which she read parts from his suicide note. Kurt Donald Cobain was 27.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Nothing at all

Setting -> Ayn Rand's Fountainhead

After having screwed up Howard Roark, and having thought that he had defeated him, Ellseworth toohey chances upon Howard Roark, at the temple that had been desecrated. Temple that howard roark had designed, EllseWorth Toohey asks him, "Well, What do you think about me" Howard Roark gets amused, smiles and says "I don't think of you at all"

All of a sudden the phrase has started looking so familiar, I know now what it means.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Nothing

1.9 × 10^33 cubic light years
- Volume of Universe

7 × 10^22
- Number of stars in observable Universe

100 Billion
- Number of Galaxies these stars are organized into

Milky way
- One of the Galaxies, about 80,000 to 100,000 light years in diameter, about 3,000 light years in thickness, and about 250-300 thousand light years in circumference. Composed of 200 to 400 billion stars. As a guide to the relative physical scale of the Milky Way, if the galaxy were reduced to 130 km (80 mi) in diameter, the solar system would be a mere 2 mm (0.08 in) in width.

Solar System
- Consists of the Sun, nine planets and their 158 currently known moons; however, a large number of other objects, including asteroids, meteoroids, planetoids, comets, and interplanetary dust, orbit the Sun as well. Astronomers are debating over the presence of a tenth planet.The star which we call "sun" is 25,000 and 28,000 light years from the galactic center.It Completes one revolution of Milky way every 226 million years.

Earth
- Earth is the third planet in the Solar system. It is the largest of its planetary system's terrestrial planets. Scientific evidence indicates that the Earth was formed around 4.57 billion (4.57×109) years ago and that its single natural satellite, the Moon, was orbiting it shortly thereafter, around 4.533 billion years ago.

Earthlings
- Earth has approximately 6,500,000,000 human inhabitants (February 24, 2006 estimate).Projections indicate that the world's human population will reach seven billion in 2013 and 9.1 billion in 2050. It is estimated that only one eighth of the surface of the Earth is suitable for humans to live on three-quarters is covered by oceans, and half of the land area is desert, high mountains or other unsuitable terrain.

Dilemma
- 99 % of Earthlings think they are significant, that they are the center of the universe, that whether they live or not makes a difference. They fail to notice just how fragile life is, they fail to notice that the odds to have life on this planet are approximately 1 in 10^415. they fail to understand that just one small, utterly insignificant event at a galactic scale, like an astray asteroid, trying to find it's way, can completely knock the daylight off the planet.

Conclusions
- Nothing
- be happy for nothing
- be satisfied for nothing
- be at peace and absorb nothing with all its nothingness.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Afghanistan

Have been reading "Kite Runner" and am falling in love with Afghanistan. somehow I feel it is one of the most beautiful place in the world, and like all beautiful places is cursed.
And by beautiful places I mean the beauty that haunts one with the sheer magnitude of magnificance and solitude. Places where you feel one with the nature and yet feel very inadequate and insignificant. Beauty that humbles one and puts the perspective of self worth right.
Like Kashmir........

sad day

Medha Patkar was arrested, admitted in a hospital and an FIR lodged against her.
What was she doing ?
she was on satyagrah, satyagrah for something she believed in, something that she has been involved in for 20+ years.
Somehow, sometimes the voices of people need to be heard,
sometimes the giants have to pause and for a second look at the lives they are trampling.
Sometimes revolution has to be started
sometimes a blood bath is needed
sometimes wheels have to be set in motion
people have to rise and become giants

Nobody should be allowed to rule us. nobody should be allowed to monitor. we have to rise above this feeling, this need, of order. Nobody wants to be killed, raped, duped, defrauded. no body wants to be ruled. If each one of us understands it, and accepts it, we will resolve all the issues we have.

--
~asto' ma sat gamaya

Mrityorma` amritam gamaya

Unable to reach out
with arms wide spread
words escaping mouth
uttered for the benefit of ears
his own ears
no one can listen
no one can see
no one is around
it is cold and desolate
not a blade of grass
barren landscape
air is too thin to breath
sun is too hot to bear
wind is cold and bitter
his is the only soul
for miles and miles
he cries, nothing happens
he wails in horror
he screams in agony
he howls a blood curdling howl
he sings to the envy of nightingale
he laughs like the jester
he weeps like the hero
of the great tragedy
nothing happens
no one reaches out
no one says a soothing word
no one is amused
no one is around
his is perfect solitude

he wishes he was dead
he wants reprieve
he wants life
but his is perfect life
and he is banished for eternity
for he cannot be killed
for he cannot die
Mrityorma` amritam gamaya
--
~asto' ma sat gamaya