Dope Rambling

After a very long time, I am stoned again, and ready to my mind wander. I am going to let it wander while I stay oddly unmoved, in the centre of it all. It is as if I can suspend ego and think like a human. a fair human if you may. Yet again I start building the illusions of grandeur, but the current "state of being" doesn't let me do that. It strips me to bones, my bones, bare bones. Bones that are naked with the shallowest and the basest of of human emotions on display. It reduces me to the animal in me. And strangely I can empathise with my ugly self, but I know that this is not it.

I know that something better can happen and will happen. Isn't it odd, that egoless state is hopeful? but perhaps not. Think of it. Ego has not really succeeded in getting what it wants, ever. one always had to pay the "big" price for ego, so ego has to be cynical. It is existential for ego to be cynical. A rising star, in early stages of "the rising", might have had a positive and hopeful ego. But I ain't one. So for me, cynical is a survival tool. But if I can let go of ego and let it be, I can be positive and hopeful.. And that is the space I want to be at right now. Ego is a tricky thing though. The reason of having an ego is perhaps to encourage survival. Survival against barbaric world. Some day, when the world has ceased to be barbaric, else extinct, our present ego will be a relic of our animal past. The ego on display then would be far more complex. To be alive and conscious will have a very different meaning. It would not be about survival, but about harmony. I think true objectivity might then be possible. But not today, not tomorrow, eons must pass before that could happen, i.e. if we survive.

Ok mind, now canter off to some new quest. Find me something to think of, Find me something profound yet very intuitive. Such that the answer is staring at us, yet we fail to see.

I believe earth has gone to ruins multiple times and there is no way to say how-many-times-and-how. Everything on earth eventually gets recycled. Each chunk of land is sent back to core, to be forged again as a virgin land. All the material is broken down to elemental state churned inside out. The oldest of life forms, which by the way, might have been more advanced than us, won't have a trace left. Time is immaterial to a dirt ball called earth. It existed before us and hopefully it will exist long after us.

Woven by life to stay alive

Strange dreams a strange bearings
not sure if it is good bad or ugly
waking up disoriented
coming from a world far removed
people I once knew
people I once cared about
all had become strangers
the void within screaming out loud
love lust passion, all lost
just this thing with hope though
it doesn't know death yet

Hope of warmth was there
Hope of peace at last
hope of forgiveness,
from me, of me, for me.
Hope that dreams can be realised
hope that life is special
hope that hope will survive

All mirages, all facades
woven by life to stay alive

Who am I to ask

Oh the fine feeling of despair
hits in again and makes me take note
of all that is lost and all that will be
nothing static yet all in circles
what has come to pass will happen again
and again and again and again
hard to let go tougher to fight
oblivion is not so easy any more
paradise in waiting
and I float on clouds
oh wait, is it that hangover again
hangover of a high
a low that creeps up unawares
and draws the last ounce of your soul
no soul, no hope, no deliverance
just a sadness beyond comprehension
sit and stare at walls
or star outside the window all you want
this will not pass
and if it does, it will come back again
in circles
more like spiral
each subsequent one drawing you deeper in misery

How long can a man be lost
who am I to ask…...

Dwandh

अगर मैं यूं ना होता, तो भी क्या होता
अगर मैं बेचैन न होता तो भी क्या चैन होता
अगर मैं उदास न होता, तो भी क्या खुश होता
अगर अभी ज़िंदा न होता, तो भी क्या आराम होता
यूं सोचना इन सब के बारे मैं
कोई काम होता, तो भी क्या मैं बेकार होता?

पश्चाताप न करूँ तो मैं बुरा पश्चाताप करूँ तो उदासीन
उदास रहूँ तो बेरुख, खुश रहूँ तो आनन्दभोगी
कोई संतुलन नहीं इस जीवन मैं
सब या तो काला या सफ़ेद
क्यों अपने आप को इंसान मानने को मैं तैयार नहीं
क्यों अपने से यह द्वन्द्ध

The thought that I want to write about cannot be written about.

It is not fair to be this way. It is not a just world though.

emptiness, come devour me now

i want to be empty, of everything

all emotions purged

all dead forgotten

stoic, still, peace let me be

nothing should touch me

nothing should move me

no anger to yield

no love to possess

beyond material

beyond time.

peace let me be

peace let me be

It is always a struggle to forget
always a struggle to remember
always a struggle to be real